Happy Holidays?

I am making the best of it I guess. This year has been such a roller coaster that being "happy" is somewhat of an effort. This is my first Christmas at "home" all by myself. Well, with Logan. Okay, without being a family. Okay, the more I say those things I call bull shit on myself. Family is what you make it and if family is just Logan and I well then so be it!! New traditions, new definitions of family!!

Overall I don't care that I'm not the family I was two years ago. I don't miss the ex at all and that's not a bone of contention. Now, Jonah, that's another story. I miss him with every ounce of me. It is so painful to not have him here with me. I miss him beyond words. That's my baby and he isn't here with us. Every morning this last week (and a few times throughout the day) Logan has said, "I want my Jonah". It breaks me. Logan knows this is a special time of the year and he is feeling down that Jonah isn't here with us too. That's the part of my family I truly miss....

We don't do anything traditionally. It wouldn't be ME if we did. Tonight I will wrap presents (yes, I am a procrastinator). My brother is spending the night and in the morning we'll open presents with Logan. Then have a Christmas breakfast. Then it's off to visit friends and end the day having dinner with some very close friends of mine. I feel so fortunate for the friends who take us in and love us as part of their families. It makes me happy for Logan, that he can see that family is who you make them, not just the ones you're born into.

Anywho, this year is coming to a close and I was super bummed. I felt dead-ended and just ... shitty ... about it all. I am lucky my 'family' has pulled me out of my funk. Things always get worse before better, now I think I'm passing through the worst of it. I finally feel a little optimistic about what's to come. I have a plan and a plan to back that up. And I'm confident my life and where I'm at this time next year will be completely different and wonderful!! I found an awesome quote that I'm making my mantra...

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Blessed Christmas to all and many wishes for a SUPER New Year!!! xoxo

Addiction

I have an addiction. I go through withdrawl like with any drug. I get moody, irritable, irrational, and sad. I find fixes in the wrong ways, just to have a fix. I am addicted.

Sometimes addicts put themselves in destructive situations to have their fix of their drug of choice. For me, its happened more and more. Allowing myself to be in situations that are dead-end or a temporary fix. Desperate to fill that need, I will neglect what is best for me in the long-run for that momentary high. I refuse to see the writing on the wall and try to believe that what is good right now is good enough.

You try to convince yourself you're not doing any harm. It's no big deal. That it's FINE. Is it though?? Is it okay to cry when you don't have what you NEED (so you think)? Is it okay to be sick to your stomach, waiting to know if you'll get your fix?? Is it okay to live each day waiting for the next time you have your drug??

No it's not okay. You have to find that inner strength to say "I'm better than this". To walk away and find that fix within yourself. To rely on your inner happiness to fill the void the drug smokescreens and pretends to fulfill.

That's where I am now... having to pick myself back up, stop relying on my fix, and rely on myself. Know I'm worth more and need to take care of myself.

And that I don't need anyone else.

And that my inner happiness is more than anyone can give me.

My name is Jennifer. I am addicted to love.

Another month...

Another month has gone by. Funny how time seems to just slip away.

So there seems to be so much going on yet so little to share. No guys in my life right now to really speak of. Not even sure what's happened/happening on that front. I know that I am standing up for myself and making sure I am getting what I want/need, which limits the dating pool. Haha. I really don't care at this point. Just too much energy to try to even invest into it. Single really isn't so bad. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes it is. Overall though it's managable and it's not as bad as a bad relationship. So for now I'm just fine where I am...

The house is officially in foreclosure. Got the notice on Saturday. I will contact the company one more time this week to see if there is ANYTHING they will do. If not I will start packing and wait for them to evict me. I am not leaving until they make me!! I knew it was coming so I am not too sad. A home is what you make it, so wherever I go will be home. The reasons I am upset are very fun and rediculous mostly, so I'll just leave it at that. But moving definitely seems on the horizon.

I have had a hard time lately reconciling that I don't have the family I wish I did. Thanksgiving was spent with me, Logan, and my brother. My mom didn't even bother to come by. Christmas will probably be the same. My friends have invited me to be with them Christmas day, but how pathetic and sad is that??? I just feel ... alone ... sometimes. In the deepest, saddest of ways. I feel most bad for Logan. That my brother and I are basically all he has... I am lucky to be surrounded by awesome friends. I suppose, though, at the holidays you think about how important family is and not really having any ... well, sucks a little. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all I have. Just feel Logan is being cheated... Which is another whole story and saddness...

Anyways, besides that crap things are good. Work is good and I am overall happy. I have been dieting and will start working out again today. For real, today. I realized I need to tone and no amount of dieting will help that. I will say I am thankful that for a year now I have maintained a size 6/8 and feel good in clothes. Naked, not so much, but clothes hide it all well.

I really am just kinda in a state of limbo right now. I know the responsible things to do in my life, and I know what my whimsical life wants. I just want to leave. Start over. Though I know that I can't. I just want to.

Oh well, I am sure things will get better. They really aren't BAD so I shouldn't be complaining. Just in a funk. It's the holiday's. I always feel this way at the holidays.... UGG.

Miss you Dad...

Things that make you go hmmmm....

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Wow....

Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..

Can't stop smiling ...

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!

And another great weekend.. .. ..

What an awesome weekend!

Friday I left work a little early to help N out ... he needed to go to Fresno to pick up another car and so I went with him to drive it home for him. The ride down there was so nice. We talked some, he took a phone call, I was texting ... just being!! Things are just so comfortable with him ... so normal. So we got down there, then headed right back in the separate cars. It was nice, to have the time to think, to reflect on how things are going... When we got back to his house I used his computer for a few and hung out with him and L, his daughter. They got into a WWIII wrestling match, which was HILARIOUS!! We were all joking and hanging out; having a good time. L wanted to go to the football game, so I took her and dropped her off. We had all the windows down, the moon roof open, and the music up ... so much fun! N came over and hung out for the few hours she was at the game. At least I *think* he was there ... Logan stole him! LOL

Saturday morning Logan and I got up and went to L's cross-country match. Holy smokes, talk about impressed. She ran a 3 mile course in 22:35. YES, a little over 7 minutes a mile!!! I was exhausted FOR HER. She had to stay the day, so Logan and I took off to his soccer game.... and N came too!! After that N went home and Logan and I went to clean house!! I had three kids on their way!! LOL. I babysat for a friend ... her three kids, 12, 7, and 3. =) My brother came over, too, and N and L. The kids all got along SO well and had a great time!! They were so well behaved ... I would watch them ANYTIME.

The downer was ... 10 minutes before dinner time N got a call-out. =( Had to respond to a crime scene. So he had to take off, but L decided to stay and hang out. And stayed. I offered to take her home, but she wanted to hang out. So we played Guitar Hero, Wii Fit, and talked ... until dad got home at 4 a.m.!!! YIKES!! It was so awesome though. Such a good time getting to know her!!

Sunday Logan and I were LAZY until soccer time at 1:00. N & L came out (N plays with us now). We had a good game, but lost, but I was too tired to care!! We left to go home for dinner, and L rode with me. ... . Told her dad "meet you there!". =) Soooo, I *think* she might like me!! Whooohoooo!! They came for dinner, and while it was cooking all four of us went out front and played soccer together. It was so nice and such fun!

After they went home (N had to work at 6) we relaxed and went to bed early. It was such a nice weekend and a great way to start the week. Here's hoping for many more good times with the people I adore!!! =)

(Little Less) Cautiously Optomistic

Last night I went to my friend Mary's house. Just to stop by and drop off some stuff. It turned into a long visit, which is always a treat with Mary. We were sorting candle orders and just kinda b.s.'ing when she asked about N. She said, "You haven't talked much about him, what's up?"

She's right. I don't talk about N much. I do not feel like this relationship is ANYTHING like the ones I have had in the past. I know I've already talked about this, but I don't feel fireworks and butterflies. I feel peace and security. And I am slowly, cautiously, falling in love with the man he is. I don't feel a need to grasp to him or make labels. I don't need a plan or a commitment. I don't need anything but the moment with N. I talked those things through with Mary and she was beaming. She said, "this one is so different, and different is good."

I have talked to Nikki, Mary, my brother, and my counselor about N. And all have said that he could be "the one". I think maybe, though I'm in no rush to make that happen. I weigh everything with him. Pro's/con's ... likes (no dislikes yet) ... On paper, he is everything I want and need. He is secure, he has a great career, he's a phenomenal father, and he treats me like a princess. In my heart, he is everything I want. And some stuff I didn't even know I wanted. Goofy as heck, silly, and just full of life.

After talking to Mary I went home and N and I started talking. We shared a lot of the thoughts we both were hesitant to share. We have both been able to see ourselves sharing a home. Sharing our families. We are both willing to take our time getting there though. And I think that balance is what will make it work. I told him I am not ready to share all of me. I am scared and I can't be hurt again. I have to keep him at arms length and slowly allow him in. He is okay with that and willing to put in the time and effort to make this work. He is such a good man and words cannot fully express how good he is to me. How caring, compassionate, and patient.

So we will continue building this foundation we have started. Letting it go as naturally as possible, and puling back the reigns when necessary. I will say, I am ubber excited today. N is working overtime and his daughter needs picked up from school so I am going to get her. And she's happy about that. ;) She likes me, and Logan likes N, so at least one big hurdle has been cleared!!

Still hesitant, still scared, however holding faith in God, myself, and N ... and just trusting the process!!

Great Weekend

I had such a fun, great weekend!!

Friday night was so great. Logan and I went home and I made dinner. Which used to be a normal thing for me, but lately I had been lagging. It's so hard to make a dinner for two. Leftovers go to waste and it's a lot of effort for just the two of us. Soooo... we had company! I invited my brother and N over!! I made ranch chicken, rice pilaf, and broccoli. Yummmmmmy. They all enjoyed dinner so much. It was kind of nerve wrecking, and exciting, to make dinner for N. Luckily he doesn't cook, so anything is good, and he absolutely loved it and is still raving about it. For good measure I also made him brownies (his favorite) for dessert. We (brother, N, and I) stayed up late visiting and them getting to know each other. We had such a great night!!

Saturday was another great day. Logan had woke up Friday night coughing and ended up throwing up from it. We had a long night because of it, so we stayed home Saturday morning to rest and hopefully feel better. He was doing good, so he went with friends to a huge pumpkin patch and to spend the night so I could go off with my friend Kelli for the night. We went to a San Jose Sharks game! I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a hockey game, so it was an awesome time!!! Sooo much fun. We got home super super late, but it was so worth it!!

Since Logan spent the night with friends, I got to sleep in!! And boy did I ... until 11:15!! Wooohooo!! It was soooo nice and for once I felt fully rested and not tired!! I got up and went to get Logan and then soccer. N started playing soccer with us, so we met out there. It was a lot of fun playing soccer together. He did pretty well besides feeling like he'd die because he's out of shape. hehe. We'll take care of that. ;) He also brought his daughter, and it was nice to meet her! We all had lunch together afterwards and I *think* it went well. After that Logan got a much-needed haircut then we went home to veg. We left the house one last time, to take N some snacks and say good night. Then it was a peaceful, happy night at home.

So ended a great weekend and started a great week!!

Feeling Well-Balanced

So another relationship has started for me. And I think I'm as tired of my relationships as my friends are. Always someone new I'm excited about and head over heels about. I know my friends are hesitant and tired of hearing about it. Hell I am out of enthusiasm myself.

And I don't have that zest and enthusiasm this time. I am not head over heels. I am not in love. I am, however, very happy and very at peace.

Things with N have been easy. This relationship feels a lot like the last. Those things I was so devastated I was losing are all right here again. N and I communicate very well. We can talk for hours. We check in on how our days are (his are always much more exciting, lol). We are very comfortable with each other. The ease of sharing our time together is so nice.

My brother met him the other day and really, really likes him. He said "This guy is really great. I hope it works". N has a good balance about him. He is a man's-man, being the big-bad cop ... yet he has a heart of gold and treats me like a complete princess. I have NO doubts he would NOT hurt me and will value and treasure me for a long time to come...

He has spent time with Logan and they are the best of friends now. They play Lego's (N bought three sets the other day for them to build together). Now that's all Logan wants to do. He asks when N is coming over all the time. They have a definite bond.

And yesterday I met his daughter. She is 15 and beautiful, sweet, and a lot of fun. We talked some at soccer, and then all went out to lunch together. I *think* she likes me and N says he's pretty sure she does too. I sincerely hope so.. .. .. It frightens the heck of me that I could potentially have a 15y old step-daughter someday, but she is a good girl and I can see us having a great relationship.

So, I guess I will say I'm very cautiously optimistic. I don't want to invest too much of my heart or get my hopes up. I do enjoy N's company very much though and cannot deny that the comfort of our company feels great and is something I long to have long-term.

We'll just keep going day-by-day and see how it goes. I do feel blessed, though. And fully realize and appreciate that truly when one door closes another does open. Normally with greater potential and possibilities than the last!!

Hmmm....

You know, life really is sweeter when you take it one day at a time. When you appreciate the moments. And so is a relationship, as I'm learning. So I have been on the fence with how I feel about N. There still aren't mad crazy sparks and "I am dying to see you" feelings. There isn't a need for a label or to know "what's next". And I like it. A lot. I like that I am uncertain on how I feel, however I know that each time we talk I want to know a little more. I like that he is interested in me, though he's patient to take the time to get to know me. I like that we smile ... a lot. Laugh a lot. And can sit in silence and still be grinning just as much. There is a level of comfort that is soothing. Like hanging out with a good friend. I can see a future with him though I'm in no rush to make that happen. It's nice to be "going with the flow". We spend a lot of time together, and balance time apart. It's good.

And he is the single most genuine, sincere, sweet person I know. He treats me like an absolute princess and I have no doubt he would not even imagine to look elsewhere while we are together. He appreciates the small things and shares those with me. It's nice to hear randomly "you are beautiful". And then in the next sentence picking and laughing at each other.

He is coming over again tonight. I was looking forward to maybe watching a movie and hanging out. He is headed to Target right now, though. To get Lego sets. To build with Logan. Guess my date night will be another night. Tonight is fun with Logan night. Guess the boys will have to teach me how to build with Lego's. And just the thought makes me grin from ear to ear .. .. ..

Wonderful weekend and new possibilities.. .. ..

This weekend was really good. Surprisingly good.

Friday night I had a date. I was set up with this guy by a very close friend of mine. She said he's a sweetheart and thought we'd click. So, why not??

The first thing that impressed me about him was his take-charge attitude. Instead of beating around the bush, he just straight out asked me out. Then he asked if I'm okay with surprises and set up the date and just told me what time to be ready. It was nice not having to make any decisions or figure out anything beyond what to wear.

So I wasn't really nervous OR excited about the date. I felt really relaxed and just viewed it as an opportunity to hang out with someone new.

The date ended up being fantastic. He (N) picked me up right on time and we instantly clicked. I was good to keep conversation light and had low-key talk and banter. He took me to play putt-putt which I LOVE. And it's such a fun, light-spirited thing to do. Provided plenty of time to hang out and talk and be goofy and silly. Which we did all the above. We ended up golfing all three courses and had such a fantastic time. After that we played some air hockey. Then we were off to "part two" of the date. :) He took me to Marie Calendar's for dessert! We had such good conversation and just really enjoyed the company!

Afterwards he took me home and stayed until 4 am. We got to know each other, but I was careful to keep a lot back. I have two 'major' things I think is important to share, and did, and he wasn't phased by either. Besides that, though, I kept the conversation more on him and a little lighter, for the most part.

Saturday was going to be a low-key, hang around the house kind of day. Logan was chilling and I decided to ask N if he wanted to just come hang out. So he did. What surprised me the most was Logan's immediate draw to him. Which surprised and worried me. Lately Logan has had an ambivalence towards people...not really interested in making new friends. I was kinda counting on that when I invited N over. But within five minutes Lo was showing him toys and before I knew it they were building Lego spaceships and flying them around the house. They definitely instantly clicked. N stayed and hung out throughout the evening and we all three were having a good time.

Sunday he came back again, for my soccer game. He came back to the house for just a few before Lo and I had to go to a football party and N had to go home to sleep before work. (He is a police officer, working through the nights). Logan was very upset that he was not staying with us. I really feel bad about that because what if it doesn't work?? hmpf.

I am a wee bit confused with N. I like him. He is very very sweet and treats me like a princess. The things he says and does blows my mind. I have absolutely no doubt he would hurt me like I have been hurt. And I look forward to talking to him again and seeing him again. I just feel almost too comfortable ... I don't even know how to explain it. We'll just have to see how it goes I suppose. I will say, it was a very nice weekend. I am just very hesitant. Very guarded. So we will see.. .. ..

Overall though I am very happy besides this situation. I feel good about things again. I had a great day with my friends yesterday. This week is busy with friends and sports. ((OH I am going to start playing softball on Friday nights, too!)) And we'll see what the weekend holds. I am just happy right now and that feels good!

Moving Forward

This week has been really good for me. I have continued to reflect and learn. I continue to grow from the experiences of my life. I feel so much lighter in the last two days and I let go of the past and am moving forward. So, emotionally, I am doing FANTASTIC and am optimistic for "what's next", whatever that may be...

Logan has been a little out of whack, as I think I mentioned before. He misses Jonah A LOT and keeps asking "when will he come home". I am hoping in time he will adjust. Right now we just spend a lot of time snuggling and sharing love. He is definitely more insecure lately and I want to do all I can to change that for him. He is doing fantastic in school though. He is suddenly interested in learning and having a good time with school. I am very proud of him. He is definitely growing up too fast though. Every day I look at him I think "where did my baby go?".

Things continue to be busy in our lives. I always think "this week will slow down". HA! This week I had my chiro appt/dinner/counseling on Monday, a candle party last night, softball tonight, soccer tomorrow night, a date Friday night, soccer Saturday and MUST clean the house, soccer for me Sunday and a football party. Exhausting just writing it out!! And that doesn't include work, union meetings, and negotiations. Oh the joys of life!!

Really, though, I cannot complain. Logan and I are healthy. We have good quality time together. We are active and share time with friends and together. Life really is good.

So irritated with myself.. .. ..

I am so irked with myself for not being able to just say "screw you" and walk away. And I'm not even positive anymore that it's M that I'm more upset about or just the path my life is on all together. I am so tired of being alone. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I am a good mother, and I am so proud of that. However, I want someone to share my life with. I want to be a good woman to my partner and share my day with someone. Have someone to go do things with or do nothing at all with. I don't NEED anyone, though it sure would be nice to have someone. I so get why some people are codependent or stay in bad relationships. I do NOT want relationships like that .... I "get" though the thought that it's better than being alone. NOT SAYING I WILL SETTLE because I will NOT. And I don't ever want to be in another codependent relationship. Just ready for more ... I know I need to be patient. I need to stick to what I want and deserve. I will not settle, I will not compromise. Just pray a lot that God decides it's "my turn" soon and the right match, right relationship comes my way.. .. ..

Not sure what's up...

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went out with friends, which ended up being a babysitting adventure that should have included stitches, but butterfly bandages instead. NO not for me... Reminds me why I don't go out often much anymore...

I slept so much this weekend. That's all I wanted to do. I was asleep by 830 both Saturday and Sunday night. And I still feel exhausted. Don't know what's up with that.

Mr. Logan has been full of p&v this past week and it's driving me insane. So I need to figure out what's up there and get that worked out.

Tonight is counseling again. Hopefully more progress can be made. Just in such a funk and I hate it. Wish I had the Magic 8 ball.. .. ..

And then there is anger ....

They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.

Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!

Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!

Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.

I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.

Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.

Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!

My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.

((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))

May I phone a friend?

When stuff like this happens in life you KNOW you aren't the ONLY ONE this has EVER happened to, though sometimes it sure does feel like it. So when you find someone who completely understands, who says "OMG, YES, that' exactly it" ... well, you hate they are hurting too, but you take comfort in knowing you really AREN'T alone....

Last night one of my longest-running friends (since we were 7!!) and I got to talking. And it's so unfortunate, but our lives are parallelling right now and we both know how bad it sucks butt!!!

We talked for over three hours. It was so enlightening. I think we both learned a lot about the people that have hurt us, though I am so proud that wasn't our focus. We both know that others can only change if they chose to. I had a few epiphanies that I want to share and, more important, write down to revisit when I get discouraged...

First, accept that people only as good as they know how to be. We cannot expect more than someone has to offer. If people are emotionally inept in certain areas, we cannot expect them to fulfill our needs in that area. We cannot hold them to a standard above their abilities to accomplish. So we have to decide if where they're at is adequate for what we need or if we need more. If so, we need to be strong enough to not settle and seek out a match to our criteria and needs.

Second, inspect what you expect. Don't be afraid to talk, ask questions, seek answers when you don't understand, when you're insecure, or when you have that 'gut instinct'. If you chose not to, then you're allowing deceit by omission or insecurities to sneak in....

Third, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk on you, they will. If you allow them to maintain relationships with others, they will. If you don't require them to respect you, they won't. If you don't set the minimum standards and expectations they will not meet them. It's so important to know what you want, need, will tolerate, and won't. If YOU don't know what you expect, if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

I also really realized a big issue I have. My greatest attribute and fault. I love and give with every ounce of my heart, without reservation. Is that a good thing? I think so ... but not when I don't pace it and don't moderate to whom and how quickly I share it.

I own a lot of responsibility for the way this situation turned out. Though the sharing and the communication and connection were GREAT it WAS overwhelming on both ends. And I contributed and pushed that a lot. I regret that. I think had I been wiser to moderating how much I shared, pacing myself, keeping more mystery about myself, then things *may* have turned out differently. I do believe he feels he needs to finish this other situation, however I truly believe he also ran in fear. Of how close we were getting, of where it might go, of the situation as a whole. And I know a lot of that is my doing. I sincerely didn't have the intention of pressuring him into ANYTHING. I had no time frame, no pressure, no need for concrete answers on us, yet I know that's the impression I gave. In retrospect, hell, I'd be scared of me. I won't say that I will stop caring with every ounce of me, however I will be smarter to moderate that and keep some mystery in the relationship. I have learned how the best of heart and intentions can be your biggest enemy.. .. ..

Overall I feel more at peace today. I am not sure what comes next or what will happen. BUT I know my expectations, my wants, and more importantly, how to buffer myself and hopefully give the "next try" with whomever a better chance.

Baby steps and faith ...

Today...

Is a little better than yesterday ... baby steps, right?

I saw a sign today at daycare. It's probably been there forever, but I just noticed it today. It says, "Faith is hope when you don't understand". I think I need more faith...

I will say, last night was better. I was surprised I did so well. Tuesday was supposed to be our standing date night. We were supposed to get together and watch the Biggest Loser (we had already picked our favorite team) and spend time together. So I was dreading last night ... big time ... and considered not even watching my favorite show. BUT I refuse to let this sadness and void rule my life.

Before Biggest Loser time, though, I helped my friend out with transporting her kids around. She had somewhere to be, her husband somewhere else, and her kids yet another place. So I brought them home to her. This is the friend that hooked M & I up.... So she asked what was wrong and I told her. She was so shocked and disappointed. She apologized and I told her there was no need; she couldn't have known this would happen... heck, I didn't know until it did. I was (am) pretty stunned too. It did help to talk things through with her, though. I know I have exhausted other friends. I just don't "get" it, so talking I find myself talking it through over and over, trying to make sense of it.

Anyways, I got home and was determined I was NOT going to give up watching BL because of this. I already am switching the radio every time Rascal Flatts comes on (the concert we had planned to go to together). So no more power over me!!

And I started watching the show. And I found myself thinking of last week, laying on the couch together watching it together. We would randomly look at each other ... nothing said, just staring at each other and smiling. That connection. That peace. That pure happiness. And I found myself smiling. What we share is something so special. We could say nothing and say a million things all at once. We were ourselves. It was easy.

I want to love and embrace those things. I want to remember and enjoy what we had. That was real. And it was awesome. I know that the love I want, the relationship I want IS possible. Would I love to share it with M, since we so obviously have it? Absolutely. However if he is unable or doesn't want to share it with me, at least I know it can exist. It may take a long time to find again ... I deserve that relationship. And I won't settle for anything less. Do I still hope and pray he has a V8 moment and we start over and share that again? Absolutely. I won't just sit and cry though. I will pray and I will have faith (see above) and I will continue forward. I do hope he catches up, however I cannot just stand still.

Mornings are the hardest time. We always messaged good morning. And I would tell him to be safe, and we missed each other and have a good day. So maybe putting it here will relieve some of the grief of not being able to tell him.. .. .. =(

WHY

does doing the 'right' thing feel 'wrong' and hurt so much??!!

So very hard.

I am in a much better state of mind today than yesterday. It has not been easy by any stretch. I finally just kept praying for peace and God delivered. In an amazing, awe striking way. And I was able to do what I had to do.

I told him not to contact me anymore. It's not what I WANT but what we both need. If he wants to give it one last go with the ex it is unfair to HER for him to continue to message me about how he misses me and is thinking about me. And it's unfair to me. I will not take half-ass. I deserve 100% and will not settle.

I figure one of two things will happen. He will be happy there and forget about me OR he'll miss me so much he'll realize he made the wrong choice and come back. Either way it will give me the time to think and heal and take care of ME.

I hate that people think that thinking of yourself first is selfish. You have to think of yourself first. If you are not happy with yourself, if you are not loving yourself, you cannot share those things with anyone else. You have to be comfortable with yourself and complete to share yourself anywhere else. So I need to reestablish that for myself and he needs to find that for himself. Either it will lead him back or ...

One thing I DO know is I found exactly what I want. The relationship we shared is everything I have hoped for. So whether it's with him or someone else, I know it exists and I won't settle for less.

So for now I fight the urge to message him ... I fight the urge to tell him I love him, be safe, I miss you ... and I pray to God to do his will and trust that He will take care of the details....

So confused and STILL crying....

Which just pisses me off. I swore NO ONE would ever effect my emotions this much ever again. Yet I woke up throwing up for 20 minutes, almost called into work, and when I got here my boss tells me I can go home if I need to ... I think the swollen red eyes gave it away that things aren't okay...

I am really torn as to what to do. I really don't understand or know how he feels about me. "Thinking about you" sends a lot of mixed signals right now.

Should I just suck it up and accept whatever he is willing to share? I don't know if I could handle being "friends" if he and his ex are back together. I have NO respect for her. NONE. And I know she does not love him ... Love is not selfish, manipulative, and conniving. So it would bother me that he's settling for less than he deserves. Not even that he has to be with me ... maybe I'm not what he wants or needs, but KNOWING he is settling for less would bother me.

He really does have a great heart and I love him dearly. I am torn so much and don't know what to do. I think not really understanding where he's at, what he's thinking and feeling, complicates things. I don't know that I even know what *I* think or feel right now.

I just wish there was an easy cut-and-dry answer. I guess there isn't. Life is never that easy, right??

I will just keep praying, keep hoping His will will become evident, and pray for peace in my heart... Just want peace ...

My heart just hurts.. .. ..

I sit here, again, sobbing. I can't stop crying. I feel like my hearts been ripped out and is in someone else's hand, being squeezed. I can't catch my breath. I can't focus...

I felt so bad at lunch. More than once my friends had to ask if I was okay ... to 'snap me back to reality' when I was staring off into the void I feel. I would hear the words people said, but couldn't comprehend the context. I had to excuse myself to purge lunch as the knot in my stomach won out ...

And he messaged me ... off and on all day ... Good morning. Drive safe. Hope you're having a good time. He even asked if maybe he should leave me alone for awhile ...

It's such a catch-22. On one hand NO, please don't stop messaging me. Please don't stop caring. On the other, please stop squeezing... I love him. Like I have never loved before. I wish he would just think ... for just a second ... about how good it is between us. I thought maybe I was delusional, but my friends say "he can't fake happiness like his smile shows in that picture". My brother says, "Jenn, the way he looked at you, it was real". So why?? Why wouldn't you want that? Why message me TODAY that "...but I have to say that i love u an u can always make me smile... thank u for that :)" ...?? Then WHY wouldn't he want that as part of his day-to-day life?!

Or maybe he does. Maybe he continues to hold on to me, not because he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, but because he wants to make himself feel better. Maybe he could care less about how I'm hurting as long as he can proverbially "have his cake and eat it too".

Or maybe he does love me and maybe he will decide he wants to be with me. Yes, I would still in a heartbeat say "Let's start over and let's keep writing this chapter of life together". Things would be different. Definitely slow down. Definitely make sure he's working through his past and I'm working through mine. And we would work together on a future. But I don't hate him; I love him very very much. And, sincerely in my heart, I think he feels the same. I just can't pretend to understand all this ... but I just do not feel that this chapter is over...

As for contact, I don't know what to do. Consensus is cut it off. Either he'll realize how much he misses me and come to his senses or I will be able to heal. Right now it's just seemingly false hope and extra pain. The idea of him not in my life at all, though, is excruciating as well. I don't know what to do.

I wonder if I'm just fooling myself to believe he cares and he will come back. I don't know if I am just in denial. I just know I love him unconditionally, with all the pieces of my hurting heart ...

Crazy how quick things can change...

I sit here in tears. It's numbing how quick things can change ... without any warning, without any 'signs'. Actually, much to the contrary.

Friday was a good day. M and I were getting along great. He was happy, I was happy. We were texting and being goofy and sweet. Flirty and fun. It felt like things were back to "normal". He tells me that his ex is coming over that night to let the boys play. He knows I am not comfortable with this, but that I trust him. He even states there isn't anything to be worried about ... he joked "I want to tell her face to face about our upcoming nuptials"... totally a joke, but reassurance he isn't interested in going back there and I am where he wants to be.

Then he just stops messaging ... and doesn't again until the next morning. I didn't sleep all night. I knew... I knew in my gut.

Sure enough, they had a "long talk" and rekindled the flame and he "is confused". (Not so confused that they haven't spent most of the weekend together). And he doesn't know what will happen but hopes we can still be 'friends', he loves our 'friendship', and doesn't want to lose that.

I will tell you, I was a whole spectrum of emotion at that time. I was crushed, crumbled, mad, FURIOUS, ... and hurt. So so so hurt. And felt so lied to. We talked for a little bit and I let some of that out. Then I just closed up. And so now it's been 24 hours and I am coming here to get it out...

First, I am angry. At him and his ex. First at him for lying to me. For making me believe I had nothing to worry about, when obviously I did. For abusing and violating my trust. And for being blind and stupid to her antics.

I am angry with her for not respecting the relationship between M and I. ESPECIALLY because she does know me!! And she had no regard for hurting me or HIM. That's what makes me really angry. Her motivation is selfish. She is jealous he had moved on, she is lonely, and she wants him back... she, she, she. She couldn't give a rats ass about HIS needs and his happiness. She is blowing the smoke screen of "I miss you so much, your son misses me, I have changed, I will be better ... " BS. If you were going to change and be better you would have during the relationship. And SAYING it and DOING it are two different things ... and you don't change in a few weeks!!! FUNDAMENTALLY people DON'T change!!!! And do you WANT to be with someone who has to change who they are to be with you??!! But she knows M, and knows how to play every bit of that big heart. So my question is, is emotional blackmail and manipulation love? NO, it's codependency, selfishness, and neediness. And it kills me, because he's fallen for it and will go back to not hurt her more. And he, his son, and her will end up more hurt when it's the SAME EXACT THING all over again.... I believe she believes she loves him... but it's not love... it's her NEED to not be alone and have him take care of her. It has nothing to do with what's best for him. And THAT'S not love....

It kills me for him. I truly just want him happy. I know he wasn't with her, for the most part. We all have the good times, the connection, the moments that will forever make us smile. However, I know that there was so much hurt, so many issues, that those things will never mend and will never change.

There is nothing I can do to change that though. He has to make his own choices and see how they play out for him.

Crazy thing? I'd take him back and start over in a heartbeat. Our relationship was damn good. Easy communication, great with honesty, trust, and friendship as the basis. Great chemistry. And most importantly, the ability to just be ourselves and enjoy each others company.

I won't fight for him though. I am not going to whine and cry and plead my case. I am not going to be her... I will not manipulate him and blackmail and guilt him into missing me. He asked last night how I was and I made the mistake of being honest. Numb, hurting, hurting, hurting.... I won't do that again. He messaged me first thing this morning. My initial reaction was to tell him how empty and sad I am. Then to be hateful and tell him not to worry about me. BUT those are all from pain and hurt and I would regret it. So I took a few minutes and messaged back all I could muster "have a good day". It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to love him and I know he needs me to just back off and let him figure things out. So I love him in my heart, from a distance, and pray ... a lot.

I pray that God will work in his heart. Lead him in the right direction for his life. Lead him to where he will be happy. Bring peace in his heart that he's making the right choices. I pray for peace in my heart and patience. It's the one time in my life I believe the saying, "If you love someone set them free, they will come back if it's meant to be". I don't believe our chapter is complete. And I pray that he'll chose me. That he'll resolve his issues with the past and realize how great we are together and choose, for once, peace and happiness in his life. Most of all, I just want him to be happy, wherever that is in his life. I truly love him, and I only want what's best for him. Only he can figure out what that is for him. I just pray for that ... for us to be right where we are supposed to be ... whether it's together or apart...

As for me... I keep praying for peace in my heart. For the tears and the numbness to go away. And selfishly, for M to see how great we are, how easy it is, and to chose me... = ( Like I said though, I won't beg, I won't even plead my case. IF what we share means as much to him as it does to me, his heart will tell him. And he will have to chose what to do.

Until then I just pray.. and hope that God will either work to bring us back together or heal my broken heart... the sobbing and vomiting is taking it's toll...

And the beat goes on...

(I think I have used that before... maybe... hmmm... oh well....)

So there IS life beyond M... Promise. =)

Logan is on the UP-SWING!! YEA!! This week was so much easier as far as homework went. He is suddenly more interested and moving through the work with much more ease, with much less fight. He has started sharing with me the songs they are learning, and he seems happier to be going at all. THANK GOODNESS. Overall he has been a bit moody. He is exceptionally tired lately. School, soccer, it's just kicking his little bum. He has also had a hard week in regards to Jonah. He is missing his brother A LOT. He doesn't get the concept of time and he says "Jo has been gone FOREVER, he needs to come home." =( I wish it were that easy. I know with time he will adjust, but it has been hard. Overall though I think we're moving forward and each day is getting a little better.

I am doing well overall. Work has been busy. So many committees and commitments too; hopefully those will slow down soon. Besides that we have just fallen into our routine. Softball is Wednesdays and soccer on Sundays for me... Logan has soccer Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. So what little time we have left we VEG OUT. =)

Life just keeps moving on in all other fronts. I figure if I have nothing to complain about then it's a good week!! Lots of prayers it keeps going that way!!

Communication IS Key

So I was obviously feeling a little confused and out of whack yesterday. Well, I figured the one super great thing about my relationship with M is the ability to be honest and communicate. So I just talked to him about how I was feeling. And everything is good. He understands my insecurities, shared a little more with me, and reassured me that we are good. And we made it clear that if either of us feel that things aren't going forward we'll tell the other. Having that open communication and trust is SO IMPORTANT and really is making a difference. Like I have acknowledge a few times ... this relationship is SO different, BUT things haven't worked in the past sooooo maybe it's a good thing!! ; )

Security Induced Insecurity

So, the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. And it's frustrating because I should just be happy. Things are good! But NOOOOO I am paranoid and insecure, all because I am feeling SECURE!!

How to explain?

I feel very confident and comfortable in my relationship with M. We are becoming very close, as friends and as potentially more. I trust him wholeheartedly. We have great conversations and continue to learn more about each other. In the beginning it was a mixture of "wanting to take it slow" and the eagerness of wanting to talk all the time, missing him like mad, and butterflies. As the time has gone by, especially in the last few days, I don't feel the need to talk/text all day. I am not stressed on "when will I see him again?". I know I WILL see him again, so when isn't as stressful. Our texting has slowed down some.... Things are changing some. And in one way that feels great and makes me happy. I think it signifies a security and comfort in the relationship. That you know that the relationship is strong and moving forward. No need to rush, no need to be needy, just enjoy it as it goes along. On the other hand....

He has been acting the same way in return. He's also been a little stressed and reflective of all the stuff that's happened the last year. (He's had a hell of a year). So he's been a little more reserved. Or so it feels. A little withdrawn, or so it feels. I have started to over analyze EVERYTHING that he does now. I am so secure with how I feel, where he stands with me, and where I want things to go. But I find myself more INsecure with how he feels, where I stand with him, and where he wants things to go (if at all). I did ask him and he said we are good, though I still wonder. I feel neurotic!! I don't doubt what he says ...

I am scared. Guess that's the only way to sum it up. I feel AMAZING with him and am happier than I have ever felt. My friends have noticed and commented to the same regard. This is so different, so great, and so WHAT I WANT. So what if it's all gone tomorrow? What if he changes his mind? What if the stress of the last year makes him run from this? What if, what if, what if....

And that makes me feel stupid. Because I know we can't live in what if's. I know that alone will destroy anything that's happening because I will become insecure and push him away. Hence the writing it out. (though it suddenly feels like I'm talking to myself and need a straight jacket....).

So here is rational me again.... Things are GOOD. We have a great relationship and enjoy each other very much. So there is NOTHING to stress about. I need to just enjoy the security and the comfort of the relationship and let it unfold each day, one day at a time. I need to have faith in him, that what he says is true and that we are okay. I need to remember to just breath ...

And, honestly, if he walked away he'd be an idiot. =)

Deep breath in, deep breath out, and on to enjoying another day .. .. ..

Love and it's many definitions.. .. ..

So M and I have been seeing each other a lot and not a day goes by that we don't talk. Things are truly amazing and so ... different. He is becoming such a good friend first and foremost. I can talk to him about anything, and he can do the same. We talk about random stuff, important stuff, and share a little more about ourselves each day. We laugh, comfort, care so much about each other. The relationship is so special in so many ways.

This past weekend was great together. Saturday night he came over and we shared a super evening. We had champagne and strawberries and pineapple with chocolate fondue. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. Often we both share how comfortable it is with one another. No pressures, no stress. No expectations. No censoring. Nothing but acceptance and shared enjoyment of our company. It was a wonderful night ... Sunday we got together again and things took a little bit of a turn...

So we went to pizza and were watching the football game. On another TV they had the MTV awards on. Well, Beyonce was on singing her single ladies song. And so I looked at M and asked, "She says all the single ladies should put their hands up... should I put my hands up?" He smiled and gave me a kiss, but didn't say anything ... Later we went back to his house to hang out for awhile and he said he wanted to talk about something....

The "L" Word. My heart was RACING. There had been many times over the last week or so when he'd say/do something and my first thought was "I love you". BUT I was NOT going to say it!!! NOT FIRST anyways. So I was nervous ... what was HE thinking?? So he said he believes there is all type of love in varying levels and then there is "in love". Long story short (because we could talk things to death ... communication is GREAT between us...) we both agreed that we love each other. The exact definition of that love is uncertain, however it's very much there. So... the "L" word has been introduced to our relationship. And then he also said, "BTW, to answer your question earlier ... I'd appreciate if you kept your hands down" and winked at me. So... guess we're officially more than just "kinda dating". =) (Not sure WHAT we are .... it's irrelevant anyways ... just know it's wonderful).. .. ..

The great thing is we are both so very honest with each other. It's easy to talk to one another and share how we feel and what we think. Even if we don't know how the other will react/feel, we promise each other to be honest and open. It's extremely refreshing and has been wonderful!

I won't lie ... I am not sure where my love for him falls today ... but I do know that it's headed down the path to being in love with him. I have more than once thought to myself "I can see myself with this man for the rest of my life". The best part is there is no rush. We both feel so comfortable and confident and happy where we are that there isn't a rush to move on to the "next level" or stake claim on one another. We do get swept away sometimes, but reground each other and remind ourselves that if this is true and right we have a lifetime to experience things together. So one day at a time, enjoy every moment, and no overthinking or rushing things!!

It's a different approach ... for both of us ... And it's working better than anything that's happened before for either of us! Definitely don't want to think too far ahead ... will acknowledge that we're pretty certain there is an "ahead" for us though!!! =)

((Oh for those that have asked ... He's 5'11"-ish, brown hair, green eyes ... GREAT body ... One kid ... Great career - law enforcement ... And has a heart big as the world. I am soooo lucky!!!))

Wow.

Just out of interest.... I looked back to when I started this blog. Just a few days over a year ago. Is it crazy I don't recognize that person? That I have grown so much and changed so much that I am almost embarrassed that I was so ... weak? I know that all that I experienced molded me into who I am today and for that I must be grateful. I have learned so very very much.

I heard a quote yesterday ... "The further you look into the past the farther you can see into your future". LOOK at those past mistakes, look at where you were, where you're at, and where you want to go. BE a better person today than yesterday, and tomorrow than today!!

Life is Crazy!!

But good. =) I thought with the end of summer would come some relief from the constant go-go-go of life. Of course I was just kidding myself! Things seem to be just as busy or busier here on this end. Logan started Kindergarten and "it sucks" ... oh boy! He is adjusting "okay" though homework is a challenge and his overall enthusiasm with school is ... lacking to say the least. I knew this would be a challenge with Logan. Jonah liked school (though he too dislikes homework), but Logan is much more of a goof-off and enjoys the "funner" things in life. I think he'll do fine and his teacher says he is smart and CAN succeed, he just needs to focus a little more. Tell me something I DIDN'T know!!

Jonah is doing well back east. He likes school a lot and says "the girls are prettier". Lord help me. Apparently he has a crush on FIVE girls ... hmpf. I talked to him this weekend and we both cried. There are so many feelings I have on the situation... I am so proud of him for making such an adult decision and the right choice for him. My heart aches and I miss him so much though. And I feel guilt ... when people ask about my kids and I have to say I have two, but only one with me. For some reason I feel like a failure. I KNOW I am not, but people look at you like you had to have sucked as a parent for your child to not want to live with you ... and I do wonder a lot. I wonder if choices and behaviors in the past led him to this decision. He says not, but..... Bottom line, though, I am happy that he is happy. That is all a momma could want for her child....

As for ME.... busy!! Between Logan's soccer practice and games, my softball and soccer, Union Board, Credit Union Board, management training, AND my "regular" job ... I have been swamped and overwhelmed!! But it's good. Keeps me busy. I think these next two weekends will be busy, then things should slow down ... relatively.

I am also seeing someone new... I felt bad in a lot of ways that things couldn't work out for me and F, but they just couldn't. We started things out WAY wrong and those would be issues that wouldn't go away. And we're really two different people, at two different places in life.

A good friend had "a friend" that she connected me with. We have been talking a few weeks and things are going beyond amazing. We have a lot in common, with a good balance of our "own things". He has a great career, good goals, level head ... he is a parent too so he understands that responsibility and role. And he's really turning into an amazing friend and potential partner ... We both want to take things slow .... really get to know each other and build from a friendship up. Sometimes it's hard ... the heart runs faster than the logical mind. However we keep each other grounded and remind ourselves that each day is an opportunity to learn more and to know each other better. I won't lie though... I am very optimistic!!!

So there goes the days of my life ... Now off to another meeting!!! =)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Isn't that the battle we all fight? Life can be so confusing sometimes. And you're not sure what to do; what's best for you, your family, your sanity! I have really tried to make a concerted effort to fully think through my decisions to try and avoid the position of wondering if what I'm doing is the right thing or not. But what do you do when it's not YOU having this issue, but the people around you? Do you stand by and wait to see what they do or do you decide that you must move forward and they can either ante up and come along or be left behind? I guess it really all comes down to what's right for YOU. For me, standing still or moving backwards isn't an option. So I move forward. And as unfortunate as it is, some people might be left behind because of that. Some people say I've become too hardened, too resistant to flexibility and change. I personally think I'm just not going to do it anymore. Not going to compromise myself or modify what I want or need, or damn it deserve, to accommodate others. Really, should a person have to? Hmmm, so much to ponder, so much to weigh...

The 10% Pendulum

We had an interesting talk at lunch yesterday that I am still contemplating and mulling over. It was called the 10% Pendulum... So here's the theory:

We all have a 10% Pendulum in our personality. The "other" 10%. You know, the 10% most people will never know or see in you.... The stuff like ... freaky, weird habits, dark thoughts. You know the stuff that others would think "what the hell" if they knew about you. So the question we all posed was, does everyone have that 10% pendulum?? Does everyone have their dirty secrets? That one (or more) thing they wouldn't want others to know or maybe only share with a few?

I think ABSOFREAKINLUTELY. AND now that we talked about it I am cracking myself up. I look at others and think "What's their 10% pendulum swing??" I KNOW that others would be shocked to know my little secrets. I so do not look like "that person" or act like it. So now I wonder what other people carry inside.

Oh and the point was made that those who let it become the 90% rather than the 10% are our freaks and serial-killers of society. Hmmm, are we really that closely on the edge of being on the wrong side of social acceptability??

Okay, so I know this is weird ramblings. But really think about it. Think about YOUR 10%. About those around you. If nothing else, you'll get a laugh at what you make up about them!! = )

Gooooooooal!!

Okay, so no goals yet. But soccer practice was a blast. Logan really loves it and was mad when practice was over. He is a left-footer just like his momma! He has great ball control and really enjoys it. AND I got asked to help coach. Oh boy, this will be fun. Back at it tomorrow night.

His attitude was also a little better last night too. He worked on his homework better and finally remembered how to say "yes m'am" and please & thank you again. PROGRESS!!! So we'll see how the rest of the week goes.... Prayers welcome. xoxo

What a night.

Last night wasn't fun at all. Yesterday morning I woke up with a killer back ache, which I recognized immediately. Yep, a good ol' kidney infection. Sucks having only one good kidney. So off to the doctor I went ... confirmed and antibiotics prescribed. Today it's killing me and I need to send a report for the boss, but he's not in yet, and I'm not sure I can make it much longer. The report may need to wait until tomorrow, I think my bed is calling me...

Logan was a poop last night too. We went to get his soccer gear and he kept walking off. I don't know where he got the idea that he's the boss and in charge, but he's about to get knocked down a few pegs... and soon. When we got home I tried to get him to do him homework, which he fought me on. I finally just sent him to bed. Between the migraine that had developed, the kidney pain that makes it hurt to breath, and his attitude I was done. Apparently he was too, as he was asleep in less than 5 minutes. I just keep praying for peace and patience ... hopefully soon that will come.

My heart is so heavy today too. So much turmoil and uncertainty.

I really think it's just time to go home, take a pill (or two), and go back to sleep for a bit ... oh and the serial-killer-hunting-me-nightmares didn't help either.. .. .. **long sigh**

First "good" Monday in awhile....

Normally I dread Monday's. Not that I don't like work, I really do. I think it's just that life gets so routine and mundane. And I get restless and just want each week to be over and done with. So it was with great surprise that I woke up this morning and smiled. Happy that another week was starting and wondering what excitement this week would bring.

I am sure that has a lot to do with having a great weekend too. Friday after softball I went on a date, of sorts. We went out to a favorite hang out and had a few drinks, played around, and did a lot of laughing and smiling. It was such a low-key, relaxed, fun time. Much needed!! Saturday was a full day. That morning we had an American Cancer Society pancake breakfast to go to. Then Logan and I went with my friend to a birthday party. It was such a great time. I was nervous; meeting new people still puts me a little on edge, however I ended up being very much at ease and having a great time. Logan had a GREAT time with all the kids!! I was appreciative of that. With Jonah being gone I like to have him around other kids as much as possible... Yesterday was a perfect day. Soccer was great, though we had no subs, so it was also quite the workout. Then we took Logan swimming and headed home for a quiet night of XBox and snuggling. Overall it was just a perfect weekend.. .. ..

This week will be busy but much fun. Tonight we have to get Logan's soccer gear and tomorrow (and Thursday) are his practice nights. I must say, I am so excited to see him out there playing soccer!! I think he'll enjoy it a lot. Friday is softball, last regular game of the season. Then Saturday is opening day for Logan's soccer, and Sunday is another game for me. Things are definitely going to stay busy, but I love it. Life is too short to not enjoy it!!! xoxo

Wow, gooserbumps....

... Just when I start questioning myself. Hoping I am making the right decision, hoping following my heart won't be a big mistake again...


Jennifer got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging. That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish.

TGI School Time!

My baby is back home!! I missed both my kids sooo much. So so much. It is still hurting a lot that Jo isn't home and I miss him something awful. I talked to him Tuesday and he seems to be adjusting well. It was his second day of JR HIGH. He said he had met some people and was making friends. He's getting used to changing classes and dressing out for PE, which I think was the biggest shock for him. He was pretty held-together when he talked to me, but talking to Logan sent him over the edge and he cried a little. They are best friends, so they are both missing each other a lot. I am hoping it gets easier over time. I know that I have my good moments and bad. As long as Jo is happy, growing, and finding whatever he's looking for then I am happy for and supportive of him.

Now Logan ... Logan is being a pill!! A complete little butt. It's going to be a task to get him back in-line and behaving again. He thinks it's cute to talk back, whine, and throw a fit. So he has been spending a lot of time on time out in bed. It kills me because I just want to spend time with him; we have to get his attitude under control first though. He is very much the "give an inch, I'll take a mile" type personality, so I have to be vigilant to stop it before it gets to bad. I am sure he'll adjust back soon, just a challenge so far.

He does LOVE Kindergarten though and was excited to start and go back today. He says he likes his teacher. I asked what he learned yesterday and he said, "You know, letters, songs, and how to play on the playground... stuff like that." =) He is adorable. This after rolling his eyes that morning at the mom and girl crying good-byes. Mr. Independent!! I am waiting to see how the next few weeks go, but he seems to love it and be adjusting well so far.

This summer was full of traveling and changes for me. I thoroughly enjoyed all my visits. Ohio, Phoenix, and Los Angeles were a blast. Seeing old friends, developing stronger relationships with new friends ... such good times. Three tattoo's later, many memories, and many smiles brought me back home. And, yes, a roller coaster of emotions, relationships, and internal drama. Before I get called out on why I haven't posted in a month!! =)

I also got to see my surrobaby girl while I was in LA. Since I haven't seen the triplets since they were 5 days old it was completely surreal to see her! She is 8 months old, crawling, smiling, cooing, and 'talking'. I got to hold her, snuggle her, and experience her in her own family and life. I was so proud to have helped create her and so blessed to see her interacting with her family, who love her so immensely. What a wonderful experience it was to see a child you carried with such love growing into such an amazing child!! I will always be appreciative to M&J for allowing me to remain part of their family!!

So the summer is at a close now. And it's time for life to settle back down. Which I am quite appreciative for. I am so happy to have my little man home and look forward to seeing him grow and learn this year in his FIRST year of school. Work is going well and I still love going to work every day. I am playing softball and soccer and Logan is starting soccer next week!! Someone I care VERY deeply for from my past has resurfaced and we are building a strong friendship with the foundation for possibly a great relationship. So life is good. And I am happy and at peace.. .. ..

What else could a girl ask for?? xoxoxo

Busy busy busy....

This weekend went by entirely too fast. I have been non-stop since ... awhile!!

Thursday was a good day. I worked the farmers market during the evening, so I got out of the house and got some OT. YEA!! Afterwards a few of us went out for a few drinks. It was the first time I had hung-out with one of them and we had a great time. She's a people watcher (and commenter) too so that was a riot.

Friday night we had softball. Of course it was against the team that spanks us every time. They used to be in a higher league, but registration was down and only one league formed this season. So we got our spanking and then chilled out after the game for a bit. I went home and got ready to hang out with my friend Mandi. We have been friends since grade school, but don't seem to see each other nearly enough!! We had such a good evening though! We both made a promise to try and do it more often! No excuses!!

On the way home from there I messaged B.... Long story short, I went up to where he was staying and we had a nice long talk. Cliff's Notes: I am giving him another chance. He knows he was wrong, he knows I won't put up with it again, and he knows he has a good thing and better now blow it. That said, I didn't rearrange my weekend for him. I still kept all my plans and saw him around those things. He needed to know I was serious and that things aren't "all better" and completely healed!! So ... we'll see where that goes....

So anyways ... Saturday. I was so excited to get to meet my friend from Maryland!! She's doing a cross-country trip and stopped in Turlock to visit with me and another friend of ours. She was so absolutely genuine. Just like I've always known her to be!! We hung out around the pool (even through the rain ... yes, RAIN??!!). Then met some of T's friends and just hung out and laughed for a bit.

After that I headed back to town to a GTG with work folk. We ordered the UFC fights!! Whoohoo. The fights were good and a lot of fun. Good friends, good food, and good entertainment!! LOL. After that I headed to a friends birthday party. The bar he chose was a complete dive, so not much dancing or doing anything but watch over your shoulder. But it was his birthday and so we were there to celebrate with him.

Sunday was a great day, too. I will actually make a post of it's own for the highlight of the day ... SOCCER!! Yes, I am playing soccer again. After that I crashed out. Between the weekend and then the game I was just spent!!!

This week is another busy one ... I need to go see Momma Ardene and then Wednesday B is back for his grandma's funeral. Friday morning I fly out to Phoenix for the weekend!!! Whooohoooo!! I can't wait for my mini-vacation!!