Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Anywho, every once in a while I'll tell Jonah "I had a long day, have a drink for me... take one for the team." He laughs and says, "MOM, kids do not drink!!" I always say, "Just testing to make sure you still feel that way."
SOOO the other night we were coming back from Modesto. I turned to go toward the house and Jonah asked why I turned. I laughed and told him that I was driving home. He says... "Oh, duh, I must be drunk." We both laughed and I said, "Jo you TOLD me you don't drink!!" He said, "Well, you told me to take one for the team!!" LOL I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. He just giggled and said, "That was a good one, huh?" Yea, buddy, it was.. .. ..
Logan spits out funny stuff all the time, though I can't think of one thing right now. LOL. OH he has discovered a new word.. .. .. 'finally'. So now it's 'finally' everything.. .. .. "Mom WE ARE HOME FINALLY"... "Can we eat finally?" ... everything is finally now.. .. ..
OH there was one thing. The other night I got a little upset and was crying. Logan came up to me, grabbed my face, and said - oh so seriously - "Mommy don't cry. Let's talk about it". All I could do is laugh at that point.. .. ..
God love the children and all their character!!
Here's the run down:
GOOD NEWS: Gained 1 pound in two weeks.. BP 110/70.. Urine was beautimus.. Strep B culture taken and sent off..
EH NEWS: Cervix is CLOSED but "very very soft"..
BAD NEWS: Complete Breech. Complete. Head in my ribs, butt on my cervix with her little legs tucked.
We still have 3 weeks so MAYBE she'll turn. I have read umpteen websites on how to turn her and I'll try (almost) anything. My doctor said NO VERSION, as with a previous scar on the uterus it could be risky. Everything else is worth a try, though. Otherwise C-Section is scheduled for November 20th at 12:30 p.m.
I am hoping and praying she turns. I really don't want another c-section. I know in the end all that matters is her getting here, but I have a vision darn it! I know how I want it to go, how I want this delivery to be. How I want them to meet their daughter.
UGH, any prayers for a turning baby are MUCH appreciated!!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Just wanted to post a quick update. I'm going to go pop a few tums and lay down now!! LOL
"Mommy I don't want a bed anymore. Let's make it go away and I'll just sleep with you."
Oh DOH time to start sending him back to his bed.. .. ..
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sunday we decided to go to Stockton to see my friend Cyn (hi Cyn!!) at her daughters softball tournament. The boys had so much fun. Logan sat around playing in the dirt with his cars most of the day. He had a nice film of dirt on him by the time we left and a super big grin to go with it!! Sooo cute. Jonah played with Cyn's son most of the time, playing football out behind the fields. It was great being outside with the boys, letting them run around and play. I had a great visit with Cyn and I love softball so it was so much fun watching the girls (who won Championships by the way! Whoohoo). It was a great Sunday afternoon!!
BUT.. .. .. then it turned on me. LOL. I can look back and laugh now, but not at the time. We went out to the car and it had been broken into. Mind you this is the second time in less than a year, probably the 7th or so time in the 10-years I've had the car. The stereo was gone and everything was ransacked. I couldn't tell that much else was gone until later that night when I realized Logan's Nintendo DS was in the backseat and that somehow they had broken the latch to the trunk and stolen - of all things - the boys costumes and candy from the night before. That broke my heart. I guess I felt like stealing the stereo was violating ME. Stealing the costumes was attacking my kids and - IMHO - takes a specail breed of low-life. Anywho, on Monday I went and got an estimate and will get the car fixed. AGAIN. It's become more of a headache than it's worth, but I'm finding it difficult to get a loan for a new(er) vehicle with the debts still on my credit from my past relationship. Until those are resolved I'm stuck with my car and the paranoia of another break in.. .. .. ugggggg.. .. ..
Really, though, it was a great weekend.. .. .. LOL.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thank goodness he's only four!! ROFL
Yes, LOGAN has three girlfriends.
His first girlfriend is S, the big sister to the baby-on-the-way. They hit it off immediately when they first met. S is quite shy, but she took to Logan. This past weekend they were two peas in a pod. They get along SOOOO amazingly well. One morning they were building a train track and setting up all the little figures. They had made up a song and were singing together - "Teamwork, teamwork, it takes teamwork". It was so cute. They let each other take turns and treat each other so well. So, by the time we left Logan had decided that S was his girlfriend.. .. ..
Girlfriend #2 is a long-running girlfriend. Her name is Tatum and her grandma is one of my BEST friends, Mary. Tatum is a year younger than Logan, but they get along so well (she is so grown up and mature!!). They spent the summer playing in the pool, hanging out, and sharing toys. He asks often if he can go to Mary's and "see my girlfriend Tatum". Cutest story.. .. .. Tuesday night he was at Mary's and Tatum came over. Logan was telling them about his girlfriends and Tatum said, with quite the attitude I hear, "WHO is S.....??!!" ROFL. Yes, little Tatum was JEALOUS!! Logan better watch out.. .. .. nothing worse than a jealous woman!!
The third girlfriend is a little too old for him. But I must say I think this is his true love. He is completely smitten with her. He gets the most blushed and shy when he talks to her or sees her. He is completely twitterpated. She returns his love and affection unconditionally and they are very close. But if Tatum knew Grandma was girlfriend #3 she might flip!! LOL, yep, Mary is his third girlfriend. Aw, geez, it's so cute to see them together. He really adores her to pieces. Heck, he asks to spend the night at her house allll the time. Last night when we left ball he said to me, "Mommy, you go live with Ron and Mary can come live with me and she can be my Mommy." I told him that she couldn't be his girlfriend anymore then and he said, "Uh huh, she's BOTH". Such a stinker, but such a cutie. And, obviously, he knows it!! LOL
I am just glad that my four year old and not my eleven year old has three girlfriends. I hope and pray Jonah continues to think girls are cute, but not THAT cute for awhile! LOL. Because LORD HELP ME when Logan becomes a teen!!! .. .. ..
Ever want to do something just to do it, knowing you probably shouldn't and will regret it, but still want to anyways??!! Yea, vague, I know, but the situation really isn't the point here.
Anywho. I was in one of those moments today. I could have done the knee-jerk reaction and just did it. But I stopped and thought about it. I petitioned the advice of friends (amazingly wonderful friends, btw) and I searched my head and heart first. I realized in doing so that going the quick and easy knee-jerk route could potentially hurt me a lot. I realized that nothing really would be accomplished by it. I also realized that I am the bigger person and have the power to walk away from it and be all the better for it.
SO I chose the last option. And - hot damn - it feels great. To know I have control over my emotions. Not just to talk the talk and say no one controls your reactions, moods, happiness, etc, but to really BELIEVE it and LIVE it!! Dang, it is an amazing feeling!!
SO what could have been a bad situation.. .. .. what could have caused me trouble.. .. .. what could have changed my outlook today DIDN'T because I HAVE CONTROL!!
Seriously, the high road IS the good road and feeling good because it's from the inside out is amazing!!
I had a friend today tell me that reading my blog made her realize only she can control if she has a good day or not. I hope soon she - and all my friends reading - get to experience it first hand !!!!
It really is simply amazing!! .. .. ..
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My doctor FINALLY agreed to an induction date. Thursday, November 20th, is the day she's scheduled to enter this world. Only 5w to go now!! It's amazing to me that we'll be meeting her so soon. When I called Jenn to tell her you could hear her awe, wonder, and excitement bubbling through the phone. It makes it so real to have a "real" date to look forward to. To know on that date their daughter will be making her way into the world. Heck, even thinking about it makes me teary all over again!!
It's been quite a journey. I feel a little robbed - with everything else that went on the last few months I don't feel like I got to enjoy everything as much as I'd have liked. Knowing, though, that this journey will not end at birth is a comfort.
I know we are all so excited to meet her and see what she looks like. AND GET A NAME!! (hehe, just picking on you Jenn). Wow, only 5 weeks to go.. .. ..
Here's a little pic update too. Excuse the puffy face.. .. .. allergies are not being kind!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I had to lay it out that though having a friendship with me makes HER feel better, it hurts me. It makes her feel good that she has "the love of her life, TRUE happiness" and she can keep me as a friend. It makes her have no accountability, because if everyone is happy with her then what she did can't be wrong, right?? But for me, I love her. I will ALWAYS love her. How quickly and easily she replaced the love she "said" she had for me shows me how superficial it must have been with for her. After four months I still feel that love and that conviction that she is my lifetime soulmate. No matter how much I fight that, no matter how much I try and disclude that. So I know that's real FOR ME. I just have to figure out how to bottle that away and allow myself to love someone else, though I am unsure I will ever love anyone as I did her. See, for her though, she's already sharing that - and from what impression she gives me - more, with her new wifey. So she has no idea what she meant to me and the hurt and sadness I carry. Anywho, for me, it is one or the other.. .. .. a relationship or friendship. There is no middle ground possible, not with the magnitude of feelings I have had for her.
Anywho, I didn't send the letter. Just writing it made me feel a release of weight off my heart. Yesterday she messaged me again, asking how the baby shower went. Well, I didn't get the message for awhile anyways (I was in meetings). When I did the first thought was "If you cared you wouldn't have left and you would have finished this journey with me" .. .. .. second thought was "None of your damn business". At that point I knew it was best to just not respond.
At 5:45 this morning she messages me something about not responding to her and it would be decent to at least tell her that I didn't want to talk to her. I took it as an opening to tell her how I felt. I told her for the most part what is above. Not surprisingly she put me down and got mad. Of course, because it's all about her and what makes her feel good. No regard for how others feel. I guess in a way that makes me feel a little better. It reitterates to me that I need to protect myself and need to continue to try and build myself up and move on. She has no feelings or regards for the damage and pain she's left behind.
It also gave me the conviction to stand up for the kids and do as my counselor has instructed. She has told me to NOT ask the kids if they want to talk to S; not to put them on the spot. I have continued to do so, though, because I have worried about S's feelings. I will not do that anymore. The boys will call her when THEY ask; when THEY want to talk. I will not put them in the position to feel guilty and say yes because they know she wants to talk.
Also, Dr. B has said that the boys are NOT ready to see S and her wifey together. So, I will have to let S know that if she brings her at Thanksgiving she will not see the boys. It makes me feel better to know that the counselor feels that it's not best for the kids; it's not just my decision. MY OPINION is if you only see the kids you supposedly love and miss so much only a few days every few months it should be one-on-one time.. .. .. they shouldn't have to share her with anyone, kwim? But, again, it's all about HER and not anyone else's feelings.. .. ..
I will say, this morning was so very difficult for me. I threw up, I cried. I miss her. I miss her friendship, I miss my soulmate. But she has not cared about hurting me and I have to protect myself, my heart, my boys. It's time for us to move on and leave the past where it is.
I pray this is another step - if even a baby step - in the right direction for us.. .. ..
I have to quote my Old Navy shirt on this one, lol.. .. .. 'Ride out your wipe out'.. .. ..
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday when we arrived we went to visit with Jenn (mom) and S (big sis). S was sooo excited to see her baby sister! She ran up and gave me a big hug then gave my stomach a big hug and kiss. She just rubbed on my belly and smiled so big. It was such a priceless, precious moment. Jenn and I got to visit for a bit, then the boys and I headed off to L & L's (Mike's parents) for dinner and a sleepover!! We met at a restaurant and visited for a bit. I think they were both surprised at how BIG I have grown since the last time we were together!! We were all wiped out and went to bed shortly after getting back to the house.. .. ..
Saturday morning the boys got up and went to watch TV while I got ready. I turned the TV down low, as to not disturb L & L and hopefully let them sleep. Well, Papa L came downstairs and hooked the boys up with headphones so they could hear better. It was SOOOOOO cute seeing them sitting in their chairs with the headsets on watching cartoons!!! While Grandma L and I went off to baby shower#1 Jonah and Logan stayed with Papa L to go on a hike!! They live right next to an area of old Indian grounds and a waterfall with lots of trails to explore. The boys were so excited. They packed lunches and drinks and headed off. (The boys later went on and on about how AWESOME it was and what a GREAT time they had!!!) Grandma L and I went off to the first baby shower.. .. ..
The Saturday shower was hosted by Jenn's friends Marti, Elise, and her mom H. It was a BEAUTIFUL tea-party. We had tea sandwhiches and delicious desserts!! We played a super fun game and opened presents... after presents... after presents!!!! Jenn received soo many gifts. There were so many beautiful outfits and odds-and-ends she'll need with baby-on-the-way. Everyone was so sweet and so excited for Jenn. It was nice to meet friends and family of hers and to see all the love and support she has. After the shower I headed back and picked up the boys to go back to Mike & Jenn's. The rest of the afternoon/evening was restful and just plain wonderful. S and the boys got to play together and she and Logan have the BEST time together. They mesh so well and have become good friends. It's so sweet to watch them interact. S would wander over to me from time to time and rub my belly or lean over and hug and kiss it. Her joy and excitement over baby sister is so evident.. .. .. I cannot WAIT to see them together for the first time!!!!!
On Sunday, Jenn and I had baby shower #2 to attend! The boys and S got the special suprise of getting to go to Chuck*E*Cheese with S's cousins!! They were all so excited!! They went off their direction and we went to the cutest little cafe for the shower. This shower was hosted by Grandma L's friend Gerri, who was very generous and gracious in giving the shower. Most of the women there were friends of L's from bridge, tennis, and bike riding. They were a HOOT!! They were all so sweet and ... grandmotherly, lol. They showed Jenn so much love and excitement. I also got to meet more of the family - Papa L's daughter and daughter-in-law and Grandma L's son's girlfriend, Barbara. Barbara and I had such a good time, giggling in the back corner. It was so nice to meet all of them and hopefully we'll see eachother again!!! Jenn again received so many amazing presents and great clothes and gear for the baby.
The abundance of love from ALL of the family and friends was so heartwarming. Not only will this child be surrounded by love from her immediate family, but there is a whole network of people who love and adore her.
I do have to add that I was very loved and appreciated as well. All of the family and friends were so appreciative and caring toward me. Jenn's mom gave me a BEAUTIFUL teapot to remember Saturday's tea party and I will always hold treasured memories when I look at it. Barbara gave me a gift bag of Burts Bees bath goodies to pamper myself. Gerri gave me a big bottle of White Diamonds perfume. And Jenn and Mike gave me a gift card for NY&Co, so after their baby is here I can spoil myself to a new outfit!! I felt like a princess, so spoiled. I was very humbled by all the love and generosity to myself, and especially to Jenn.
I must say, the one thing that clenched my heart more than once was the sentiment of Jenn, her mom, and grandma L. I overheard from each - at seperate times when asked about our relationship after birth - that we would always be in touch. The one that caught my ear - and heart - the most was when Jenn's mom told one lady, "OF COURSE we'll keep in touch. They are part of our family." Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
People say that they worry about getting attached to the baby. I am attached in the sense I feel so responsible to her and her family to make sure she's healthy. BUT I am sooo very attached to her family, who has shown me so much love, support, kindness, and care. Beyond that, they have made me feel like family and that will always be such an amazing love and gift from them.
I know that some of them read this blog, and if they are reading, I want them to know how much their love and kind spirits touch my heart - and my boys - and that you will all ALWAYS be our family, too!!! xoxoxoxo And, I cannot wait to see them all again .. .. .. the next time will be when we welcome this precious girl into this world and into the most AMAZING family!!!!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
- Mommy, let's get married. (said last night as we cuddled on the couch. I explained that just wouldn't work, lol).
- That's SWEET! (everytime he thinks anything is cool)
- Mommy, can you have a baby for me and Jonah? (to which I told him that I needed to find a partner first)
- Mommy, I want a daddy too. (to my response I needed a partner)
- Let's go to Mary's house so I can see Tatum. I want her to be my girlfriend. (in reference to my very close friends' granddaughter)
- Are there babies in your boobies too?? (yes, they have grown, too, but NOT THAT MUCH)
and, my favorite,
- I'll just sleep here until morning, then I'll sleep with you again. (as I tucked him in... think he's gotten used to cuddling with mommy??)
Logan is full of fun, quirkiness, and love. He always knows how to heal me with words.
Jonah always knows when something is 'off' or I am sad. He heals with touch. He rubs my back to gives me a big hug or just puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles at me.
How did I get so lucky to have TWO wonderful little men in my life??
It's discouraging when I feel like I am making such huge strides. When I feel like I am making progress but then it's so quickly and easily stripped away.
It's frustrating when my own mind plays against me. My own heart. I *think* I have everything on lock-down, think that I'm working through it, then one little thing knocks me back to ground zero.
I know none of this makes sense, but I am in the process of working on the problem and until I get it resolved one-on-one I don't want to share. I would rather it come from me personally than to be read in my blog. Once it's resolved, though, I will elaborate.
I think - know I KNOW - the next thing I want to work on is building my stregnth with bricks, not cards.. .. .. Until then all good thoughts and wishes are gladly accepted.. .. ..
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
First, work has been CRAZY. I have been sooo busy. And my boss is going out on surgery next week, which makes him stressed. He gets all wiry and like a Tasmanian devil spinning out of control. So he's been adding to the headaches of everyone else around here. We had a large tour yesterday, so everything had to be perfect for that. I have AP to do and purchasing to finish up. OH and the temp we offered my job to hasn't called back, so it looks like we're back to the drawing board ... with only 7 weeks until my due date. IF I make it all the way to the end!!! I know all things work out, but sheesh.
Then the kids ... Jonah is having another one of *those* weeks. He's whiny and complains if I ask him to help. He's irritable and mean towards his brother and me. I swear, boys get PMS too!!! These hormones are driving me nuts and I know it's just beginning!!! AGH, Lord help me. LOL. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid, but sometimes I just want to shake him and ask him what the heck he's thinking??!!
Logan is having a hard time. He's consistently getting 3+ corners a day at daycare. He just won't listen and he's being aggressive and mean toward some of the other kids. He wants 100% of the attention from Ms. Cathie, but he wants everyone else to leave him alone. He has pushed around one of the little kids quite often and he's just not listening!!! At home he has been throwing fits and sitting on time out quite a bit. Every night he begs to sleep with me. He asks me all the time if I'll come back. UGH, it's just heartbreaking. I think it might be catching up to him and maybe it's time for him to start counseling, too.. .. ..
I am finally wearing down some too. I guess I'm to that point in pregnancy where it's a little inevitable. I am tired more often, though I am finally getting some sleep. After much prayer I am falling asleep and sleeping well. No more tormenting thoughts and dreams. It helps that I take a hot shower to relax my body and pray while I'm in there, then slip right into bed. So sleep is good, but it never seems like enough. LOL. I am actually more comfortable physically. I *think* she is engaging into the hips, taking some pressure off.
Overall, I am doing well (since I've had a few people ask). Like I said, I have been sleeping better - less tormenting thoughts. I do not blame myself anymore and I don't carry as much anger and hostility. I actually feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they were both so needy that they didn't even think about the people around them, their kids included, when they made these decisions. I feel sorry for my ex because she's missing out on the boys. After she left from her weekend visit the boys were fine. They actually just talked to her on Monday, only because she wanted to to talk to them and they said sure. They haven't asked to talk to her at all. They are moving on, and I am sure that hurts her.
On the other hand, it brings peace to my heart. To know that they'll be okay. I am very proud of them. And, honestly, proud of myself. It's definitely getting easier to know that each day that goes by I am getting stronger, we are getting stronger, and we'll be better than okay.
So, yea, things are crazy and making my head spin now. But, everything is good.. .. ..
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My IM emailed me tonight and said her update compares the baby to a pineapple, and reflected on the pineapple eating before transfer. It made me feel like we've come full circle, and here we are just 7 weeks from meeting this miracle.. .. ..
This weekend is the baby showers. I feel so honored and blessed that we were invited. I feel lucky to be included in such a celebration of life and the impending birth of this child to such a wonderful family. I hope the showers are amazing for the parents and their daughter. I hope there is so much joy and excitement. AND, it marks the last 'big thing' before she arrives!!!
I must say, I am so amazingly blessed to be collaborating with such amazing people to bring a life into this world. I don't know how I got so lucky that they picked ME to join this adventure with them. The entire family will always hold such a huge place in my heart. I am so greatful to them for their love, support, and inviting care for me and my family. I am truly, truly blessed. I hope they all realize how very much they mean to me.. .. ..
Monday, October 6, 2008
THEN we went to Boomers! and played arcade games together! We had so much fun, laughing, playing, and talking the afternoon away. It was cool to just have that one-on-one time together!
We went to the show and had a BLAST!!!! Jonah was just awe-struck. We were so close that we almost got splashed with their sweat!! They did some of the very best routines of last season and Jo was hooting and hollering the whole time! I got him a t-shirt and a poster - the t-shirt is being worn today, the poster is going above his bed, lol. He had such an amazing time and the smile on his face was priceless!!!
We didn't get home until super late (the show was almost three hours!), but it was worth every second and every bit of sleepiness today.
I decided we need more time like that. I hope that I'll get to spend more one-on-one time with him from now on. The age he's at and everything that's going on really deems a need for it.
And, we both enjoyed it so very very much.. .. ..
But within the first few weeks of going I have felt conviction that church - this one in particular - is where I'm supposed to be. Here's a few co-winki-dinks that make me feel that way.. .. ..First week I see that a coworker of mine goes there - cool I know someone. Second week I figure out that my step-sister and her family go there .... weird. Then last week I figure out that I dated (for a very very brief time) one of the guys in the band. I am surrounded by people that I know. Very, very cool!! LOL
Well, yesterday was an amazing day at church. I honestly was tired and knew I'd be having a very long day so I wasn't sure I was going to make it. But I got up, got ready, and went.
The message was from a guest speaker. I must say, it seemed he kinda went from where he started to where I needed him to be without much cohesiveness. It was just so .. .. .. random.
Suddenly he was talking about God's love. That God has put his righteousness on us and that he has given his love. And that we need to stop running around, trying to EARN love, trying to find it, and stop and look inside.
I think I had gotten sidetracked from my mission to do that. I had started to feel lonely and wanted someone - anyone - to love me. I was starting to consider dating, just to not be alone. I was falling weak and I hated it, but I was just getting sad.
I cried yesterday in church. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. And I let myself open to His love and MY love for myself and the fullfillment that can give you. I left feeling renewed and I slept better last night than I have in a long, long time.
It is nice when you think that you just don't know what to do, when you are completely lost, and you hear, loud and clear, that you ARE NOT ALONE.
It's so nice to have that renewed stregnth and faith that I WILL BE OKAY.. .. ..
Friday, October 3, 2008
My eyes welted up and I held him just a little closer. He was already softly snoring and just so sweet and innocent. I felt that connection you feel with your newborn, when they put all their trust in you and let everything go, and wrap themselves into your arm. I didn't kick him out of bed, though I made sure this morning he understood he cannot sleep in my bed!! But it felt so good to feel his innocence, his perfect love. It took me back to the simplest of terms, simplest of love, and it felt sooo good. There is nothing more innocent, pure, and perfect than your childs love.. .. ..
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Really, if I stop thinking and focusing so much I realize that life is good and things don't have to be perfect, they don't have to make perfect sense, I don't have to have a perfect plan.. .. .. I just have to follow my heart and have faith that it's all the way it's supposed to be. I find it much easier to deal with the ins and outs of life if I do that.
I think it's easy to get caught up in the past. To worry too much about the future. To forget that the present is only here for a short time. Why waste time worrying about everything else when the here-and-now is pretty dang good?
We cannot control the people around us. We cannot change ANYONE else. But if we learn and love through acceptance and patience then we can make the best of any situation.
A great, great friend posted a quote yesterday that was right what I needed, right when I needed it.. .. ..
"Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today."
ALMOST as exciting is the upcoming baby showers!! Next weekend - the 11th and 12th - we get to spend time with this little girls family and friends and celebrate her upcoming arrival. I am so excited about the showers, but moreso excited about seeing her family!! I am big enough and she is active enough that they'll definitely get to feel her and see how big she's getting (because I'm blaming the entire belly on her.... lol). I can't wait!!
Only eight more weeks and they'll be meeting their precious little daughter and baby sister!!!!!!!! YEA!!!