Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Moving Forward

This week has been really good for me. I have continued to reflect and learn. I continue to grow from the experiences of my life. I feel so much lighter in the last two days and I let go of the past and am moving forward. So, emotionally, I am doing FANTASTIC and am optimistic for "what's next", whatever that may be...

Logan has been a little out of whack, as I think I mentioned before. He misses Jonah A LOT and keeps asking "when will he come home". I am hoping in time he will adjust. Right now we just spend a lot of time snuggling and sharing love. He is definitely more insecure lately and I want to do all I can to change that for him. He is doing fantastic in school though. He is suddenly interested in learning and having a good time with school. I am very proud of him. He is definitely growing up too fast though. Every day I look at him I think "where did my baby go?".

Things continue to be busy in our lives. I always think "this week will slow down". HA! This week I had my chiro appt/dinner/counseling on Monday, a candle party last night, softball tonight, soccer tomorrow night, a date Friday night, soccer Saturday and MUST clean the house, soccer for me Sunday and a football party. Exhausting just writing it out!! And that doesn't include work, union meetings, and negotiations. Oh the joys of life!!

Really, though, I cannot complain. Logan and I are healthy. We have good quality time together. We are active and share time with friends and together. Life really is good.

Monday, September 28, 2009

So irritated with myself.. .. ..

I am so irked with myself for not being able to just say "screw you" and walk away. And I'm not even positive anymore that it's M that I'm more upset about or just the path my life is on all together. I am so tired of being alone. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I am a good mother, and I am so proud of that. However, I want someone to share my life with. I want to be a good woman to my partner and share my day with someone. Have someone to go do things with or do nothing at all with. I don't NEED anyone, though it sure would be nice to have someone. I so get why some people are codependent or stay in bad relationships. I do NOT want relationships like that .... I "get" though the thought that it's better than being alone. NOT SAYING I WILL SETTLE because I will NOT. And I don't ever want to be in another codependent relationship. Just ready for more ... I know I need to be patient. I need to stick to what I want and deserve. I will not settle, I will not compromise. Just pray a lot that God decides it's "my turn" soon and the right match, right relationship comes my way.. .. ..

Not sure what's up...

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went out with friends, which ended up being a babysitting adventure that should have included stitches, but butterfly bandages instead. NO not for me... Reminds me why I don't go out often much anymore...

I slept so much this weekend. That's all I wanted to do. I was asleep by 830 both Saturday and Sunday night. And I still feel exhausted. Don't know what's up with that.

Mr. Logan has been full of p&v this past week and it's driving me insane. So I need to figure out what's up there and get that worked out.

Tonight is counseling again. Hopefully more progress can be made. Just in such a funk and I hate it. Wish I had the Magic 8 ball.. .. ..

Friday, September 25, 2009

And then there is anger ....

They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.

Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!

Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!

Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.

I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.

Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.

Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!

My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.

((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))

Thursday, September 24, 2009

May I phone a friend?

When stuff like this happens in life you KNOW you aren't the ONLY ONE this has EVER happened to, though sometimes it sure does feel like it. So when you find someone who completely understands, who says "OMG, YES, that' exactly it" ... well, you hate they are hurting too, but you take comfort in knowing you really AREN'T alone....

Last night one of my longest-running friends (since we were 7!!) and I got to talking. And it's so unfortunate, but our lives are parallelling right now and we both know how bad it sucks butt!!!

We talked for over three hours. It was so enlightening. I think we both learned a lot about the people that have hurt us, though I am so proud that wasn't our focus. We both know that others can only change if they chose to. I had a few epiphanies that I want to share and, more important, write down to revisit when I get discouraged...

First, accept that people only as good as they know how to be. We cannot expect more than someone has to offer. If people are emotionally inept in certain areas, we cannot expect them to fulfill our needs in that area. We cannot hold them to a standard above their abilities to accomplish. So we have to decide if where they're at is adequate for what we need or if we need more. If so, we need to be strong enough to not settle and seek out a match to our criteria and needs.

Second, inspect what you expect. Don't be afraid to talk, ask questions, seek answers when you don't understand, when you're insecure, or when you have that 'gut instinct'. If you chose not to, then you're allowing deceit by omission or insecurities to sneak in....

Third, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk on you, they will. If you allow them to maintain relationships with others, they will. If you don't require them to respect you, they won't. If you don't set the minimum standards and expectations they will not meet them. It's so important to know what you want, need, will tolerate, and won't. If YOU don't know what you expect, if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

I also really realized a big issue I have. My greatest attribute and fault. I love and give with every ounce of my heart, without reservation. Is that a good thing? I think so ... but not when I don't pace it and don't moderate to whom and how quickly I share it.

I own a lot of responsibility for the way this situation turned out. Though the sharing and the communication and connection were GREAT it WAS overwhelming on both ends. And I contributed and pushed that a lot. I regret that. I think had I been wiser to moderating how much I shared, pacing myself, keeping more mystery about myself, then things *may* have turned out differently. I do believe he feels he needs to finish this other situation, however I truly believe he also ran in fear. Of how close we were getting, of where it might go, of the situation as a whole. And I know a lot of that is my doing. I sincerely didn't have the intention of pressuring him into ANYTHING. I had no time frame, no pressure, no need for concrete answers on us, yet I know that's the impression I gave. In retrospect, hell, I'd be scared of me. I won't say that I will stop caring with every ounce of me, however I will be smarter to moderate that and keep some mystery in the relationship. I have learned how the best of heart and intentions can be your biggest enemy.. .. ..

Overall I feel more at peace today. I am not sure what comes next or what will happen. BUT I know my expectations, my wants, and more importantly, how to buffer myself and hopefully give the "next try" with whomever a better chance.

Baby steps and faith ...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Is a little better than yesterday ... baby steps, right?

I saw a sign today at daycare. It's probably been there forever, but I just noticed it today. It says, "Faith is hope when you don't understand". I think I need more faith...

I will say, last night was better. I was surprised I did so well. Tuesday was supposed to be our standing date night. We were supposed to get together and watch the Biggest Loser (we had already picked our favorite team) and spend time together. So I was dreading last night ... big time ... and considered not even watching my favorite show. BUT I refuse to let this sadness and void rule my life.

Before Biggest Loser time, though, I helped my friend out with transporting her kids around. She had somewhere to be, her husband somewhere else, and her kids yet another place. So I brought them home to her. This is the friend that hooked M & I up.... So she asked what was wrong and I told her. She was so shocked and disappointed. She apologized and I told her there was no need; she couldn't have known this would happen... heck, I didn't know until it did. I was (am) pretty stunned too. It did help to talk things through with her, though. I know I have exhausted other friends. I just don't "get" it, so talking I find myself talking it through over and over, trying to make sense of it.

Anyways, I got home and was determined I was NOT going to give up watching BL because of this. I already am switching the radio every time Rascal Flatts comes on (the concert we had planned to go to together). So no more power over me!!

And I started watching the show. And I found myself thinking of last week, laying on the couch together watching it together. We would randomly look at each other ... nothing said, just staring at each other and smiling. That connection. That peace. That pure happiness. And I found myself smiling. What we share is something so special. We could say nothing and say a million things all at once. We were ourselves. It was easy.

I want to love and embrace those things. I want to remember and enjoy what we had. That was real. And it was awesome. I know that the love I want, the relationship I want IS possible. Would I love to share it with M, since we so obviously have it? Absolutely. However if he is unable or doesn't want to share it with me, at least I know it can exist. It may take a long time to find again ... I deserve that relationship. And I won't settle for anything less. Do I still hope and pray he has a V8 moment and we start over and share that again? Absolutely. I won't just sit and cry though. I will pray and I will have faith (see above) and I will continue forward. I do hope he catches up, however I cannot just stand still.

Mornings are the hardest time. We always messaged good morning. And I would tell him to be safe, and we missed each other and have a good day. So maybe putting it here will relieve some of the grief of not being able to tell him.. .. .. =(

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


does doing the 'right' thing feel 'wrong' and hurt so much??!!

So very hard.

I am in a much better state of mind today than yesterday. It has not been easy by any stretch. I finally just kept praying for peace and God delivered. In an amazing, awe striking way. And I was able to do what I had to do.

I told him not to contact me anymore. It's not what I WANT but what we both need. If he wants to give it one last go with the ex it is unfair to HER for him to continue to message me about how he misses me and is thinking about me. And it's unfair to me. I will not take half-ass. I deserve 100% and will not settle.

I figure one of two things will happen. He will be happy there and forget about me OR he'll miss me so much he'll realize he made the wrong choice and come back. Either way it will give me the time to think and heal and take care of ME.

I hate that people think that thinking of yourself first is selfish. You have to think of yourself first. If you are not happy with yourself, if you are not loving yourself, you cannot share those things with anyone else. You have to be comfortable with yourself and complete to share yourself anywhere else. So I need to reestablish that for myself and he needs to find that for himself. Either it will lead him back or ...

One thing I DO know is I found exactly what I want. The relationship we shared is everything I have hoped for. So whether it's with him or someone else, I know it exists and I won't settle for less.

So for now I fight the urge to message him ... I fight the urge to tell him I love him, be safe, I miss you ... and I pray to God to do his will and trust that He will take care of the details....

Monday, September 21, 2009

So confused and STILL crying....

Which just pisses me off. I swore NO ONE would ever effect my emotions this much ever again. Yet I woke up throwing up for 20 minutes, almost called into work, and when I got here my boss tells me I can go home if I need to ... I think the swollen red eyes gave it away that things aren't okay...

I am really torn as to what to do. I really don't understand or know how he feels about me. "Thinking about you" sends a lot of mixed signals right now.

Should I just suck it up and accept whatever he is willing to share? I don't know if I could handle being "friends" if he and his ex are back together. I have NO respect for her. NONE. And I know she does not love him ... Love is not selfish, manipulative, and conniving. So it would bother me that he's settling for less than he deserves. Not even that he has to be with me ... maybe I'm not what he wants or needs, but KNOWING he is settling for less would bother me.

He really does have a great heart and I love him dearly. I am torn so much and don't know what to do. I think not really understanding where he's at, what he's thinking and feeling, complicates things. I don't know that I even know what *I* think or feel right now.

I just wish there was an easy cut-and-dry answer. I guess there isn't. Life is never that easy, right??

I will just keep praying, keep hoping His will will become evident, and pray for peace in my heart... Just want peace ...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

My heart just hurts.. .. ..

I sit here, again, sobbing. I can't stop crying. I feel like my hearts been ripped out and is in someone else's hand, being squeezed. I can't catch my breath. I can't focus...

I felt so bad at lunch. More than once my friends had to ask if I was okay ... to 'snap me back to reality' when I was staring off into the void I feel. I would hear the words people said, but couldn't comprehend the context. I had to excuse myself to purge lunch as the knot in my stomach won out ...

And he messaged me ... off and on all day ... Good morning. Drive safe. Hope you're having a good time. He even asked if maybe he should leave me alone for awhile ...

It's such a catch-22. On one hand NO, please don't stop messaging me. Please don't stop caring. On the other, please stop squeezing... I love him. Like I have never loved before. I wish he would just think ... for just a second ... about how good it is between us. I thought maybe I was delusional, but my friends say "he can't fake happiness like his smile shows in that picture". My brother says, "Jenn, the way he looked at you, it was real". So why?? Why wouldn't you want that? Why message me TODAY that "...but I have to say that i love u an u can always make me smile... thank u for that :)" ...?? Then WHY wouldn't he want that as part of his day-to-day life?!

Or maybe he does. Maybe he continues to hold on to me, not because he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, but because he wants to make himself feel better. Maybe he could care less about how I'm hurting as long as he can proverbially "have his cake and eat it too".

Or maybe he does love me and maybe he will decide he wants to be with me. Yes, I would still in a heartbeat say "Let's start over and let's keep writing this chapter of life together". Things would be different. Definitely slow down. Definitely make sure he's working through his past and I'm working through mine. And we would work together on a future. But I don't hate him; I love him very very much. And, sincerely in my heart, I think he feels the same. I just can't pretend to understand all this ... but I just do not feel that this chapter is over...

As for contact, I don't know what to do. Consensus is cut it off. Either he'll realize how much he misses me and come to his senses or I will be able to heal. Right now it's just seemingly false hope and extra pain. The idea of him not in my life at all, though, is excruciating as well. I don't know what to do.

I wonder if I'm just fooling myself to believe he cares and he will come back. I don't know if I am just in denial. I just know I love him unconditionally, with all the pieces of my hurting heart ...

Crazy how quick things can change...

I sit here in tears. It's numbing how quick things can change ... without any warning, without any 'signs'. Actually, much to the contrary.

Friday was a good day. M and I were getting along great. He was happy, I was happy. We were texting and being goofy and sweet. Flirty and fun. It felt like things were back to "normal". He tells me that his ex is coming over that night to let the boys play. He knows I am not comfortable with this, but that I trust him. He even states there isn't anything to be worried about ... he joked "I want to tell her face to face about our upcoming nuptials"... totally a joke, but reassurance he isn't interested in going back there and I am where he wants to be.

Then he just stops messaging ... and doesn't again until the next morning. I didn't sleep all night. I knew... I knew in my gut.

Sure enough, they had a "long talk" and rekindled the flame and he "is confused". (Not so confused that they haven't spent most of the weekend together). And he doesn't know what will happen but hopes we can still be 'friends', he loves our 'friendship', and doesn't want to lose that.

I will tell you, I was a whole spectrum of emotion at that time. I was crushed, crumbled, mad, FURIOUS, ... and hurt. So so so hurt. And felt so lied to. We talked for a little bit and I let some of that out. Then I just closed up. And so now it's been 24 hours and I am coming here to get it out...

First, I am angry. At him and his ex. First at him for lying to me. For making me believe I had nothing to worry about, when obviously I did. For abusing and violating my trust. And for being blind and stupid to her antics.

I am angry with her for not respecting the relationship between M and I. ESPECIALLY because she does know me!! And she had no regard for hurting me or HIM. That's what makes me really angry. Her motivation is selfish. She is jealous he had moved on, she is lonely, and she wants him back... she, she, she. She couldn't give a rats ass about HIS needs and his happiness. She is blowing the smoke screen of "I miss you so much, your son misses me, I have changed, I will be better ... " BS. If you were going to change and be better you would have during the relationship. And SAYING it and DOING it are two different things ... and you don't change in a few weeks!!! FUNDAMENTALLY people DON'T change!!!! And do you WANT to be with someone who has to change who they are to be with you??!! But she knows M, and knows how to play every bit of that big heart. So my question is, is emotional blackmail and manipulation love? NO, it's codependency, selfishness, and neediness. And it kills me, because he's fallen for it and will go back to not hurt her more. And he, his son, and her will end up more hurt when it's the SAME EXACT THING all over again.... I believe she believes she loves him... but it's not love... it's her NEED to not be alone and have him take care of her. It has nothing to do with what's best for him. And THAT'S not love....

It kills me for him. I truly just want him happy. I know he wasn't with her, for the most part. We all have the good times, the connection, the moments that will forever make us smile. However, I know that there was so much hurt, so many issues, that those things will never mend and will never change.

There is nothing I can do to change that though. He has to make his own choices and see how they play out for him.

Crazy thing? I'd take him back and start over in a heartbeat. Our relationship was damn good. Easy communication, great with honesty, trust, and friendship as the basis. Great chemistry. And most importantly, the ability to just be ourselves and enjoy each others company.

I won't fight for him though. I am not going to whine and cry and plead my case. I am not going to be her... I will not manipulate him and blackmail and guilt him into missing me. He asked last night how I was and I made the mistake of being honest. Numb, hurting, hurting, hurting.... I won't do that again. He messaged me first thing this morning. My initial reaction was to tell him how empty and sad I am. Then to be hateful and tell him not to worry about me. BUT those are all from pain and hurt and I would regret it. So I took a few minutes and messaged back all I could muster "have a good day". It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to love him and I know he needs me to just back off and let him figure things out. So I love him in my heart, from a distance, and pray ... a lot.

I pray that God will work in his heart. Lead him in the right direction for his life. Lead him to where he will be happy. Bring peace in his heart that he's making the right choices. I pray for peace in my heart and patience. It's the one time in my life I believe the saying, "If you love someone set them free, they will come back if it's meant to be". I don't believe our chapter is complete. And I pray that he'll chose me. That he'll resolve his issues with the past and realize how great we are together and choose, for once, peace and happiness in his life. Most of all, I just want him to be happy, wherever that is in his life. I truly love him, and I only want what's best for him. Only he can figure out what that is for him. I just pray for that ... for us to be right where we are supposed to be ... whether it's together or apart...

As for me... I keep praying for peace in my heart. For the tears and the numbness to go away. And selfishly, for M to see how great we are, how easy it is, and to chose me... = ( Like I said though, I won't beg, I won't even plead my case. IF what we share means as much to him as it does to me, his heart will tell him. And he will have to chose what to do.

Until then I just pray.. and hope that God will either work to bring us back together or heal my broken heart... the sobbing and vomiting is taking it's toll...

Friday, September 18, 2009

And the beat goes on...

(I think I have used that before... maybe... hmmm... oh well....)

So there IS life beyond M... Promise. =)

Logan is on the UP-SWING!! YEA!! This week was so much easier as far as homework went. He is suddenly more interested and moving through the work with much more ease, with much less fight. He has started sharing with me the songs they are learning, and he seems happier to be going at all. THANK GOODNESS. Overall he has been a bit moody. He is exceptionally tired lately. School, soccer, it's just kicking his little bum. He has also had a hard week in regards to Jonah. He is missing his brother A LOT. He doesn't get the concept of time and he says "Jo has been gone FOREVER, he needs to come home." =( I wish it were that easy. I know with time he will adjust, but it has been hard. Overall though I think we're moving forward and each day is getting a little better.

I am doing well overall. Work has been busy. So many committees and commitments too; hopefully those will slow down soon. Besides that we have just fallen into our routine. Softball is Wednesdays and soccer on Sundays for me... Logan has soccer Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. So what little time we have left we VEG OUT. =)

Life just keeps moving on in all other fronts. I figure if I have nothing to complain about then it's a good week!! Lots of prayers it keeps going that way!!

Communication IS Key

So I was obviously feeling a little confused and out of whack yesterday. Well, I figured the one super great thing about my relationship with M is the ability to be honest and communicate. So I just talked to him about how I was feeling. And everything is good. He understands my insecurities, shared a little more with me, and reassured me that we are good. And we made it clear that if either of us feel that things aren't going forward we'll tell the other. Having that open communication and trust is SO IMPORTANT and really is making a difference. Like I have acknowledge a few times ... this relationship is SO different, BUT things haven't worked in the past sooooo maybe it's a good thing!! ; )

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Security Induced Insecurity

So, the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. And it's frustrating because I should just be happy. Things are good! But NOOOOO I am paranoid and insecure, all because I am feeling SECURE!!

How to explain?

I feel very confident and comfortable in my relationship with M. We are becoming very close, as friends and as potentially more. I trust him wholeheartedly. We have great conversations and continue to learn more about each other. In the beginning it was a mixture of "wanting to take it slow" and the eagerness of wanting to talk all the time, missing him like mad, and butterflies. As the time has gone by, especially in the last few days, I don't feel the need to talk/text all day. I am not stressed on "when will I see him again?". I know I WILL see him again, so when isn't as stressful. Our texting has slowed down some.... Things are changing some. And in one way that feels great and makes me happy. I think it signifies a security and comfort in the relationship. That you know that the relationship is strong and moving forward. No need to rush, no need to be needy, just enjoy it as it goes along. On the other hand....

He has been acting the same way in return. He's also been a little stressed and reflective of all the stuff that's happened the last year. (He's had a hell of a year). So he's been a little more reserved. Or so it feels. A little withdrawn, or so it feels. I have started to over analyze EVERYTHING that he does now. I am so secure with how I feel, where he stands with me, and where I want things to go. But I find myself more INsecure with how he feels, where I stand with him, and where he wants things to go (if at all). I did ask him and he said we are good, though I still wonder. I feel neurotic!! I don't doubt what he says ...

I am scared. Guess that's the only way to sum it up. I feel AMAZING with him and am happier than I have ever felt. My friends have noticed and commented to the same regard. This is so different, so great, and so WHAT I WANT. So what if it's all gone tomorrow? What if he changes his mind? What if the stress of the last year makes him run from this? What if, what if, what if....

And that makes me feel stupid. Because I know we can't live in what if's. I know that alone will destroy anything that's happening because I will become insecure and push him away. Hence the writing it out. (though it suddenly feels like I'm talking to myself and need a straight jacket....).

So here is rational me again.... Things are GOOD. We have a great relationship and enjoy each other very much. So there is NOTHING to stress about. I need to just enjoy the security and the comfort of the relationship and let it unfold each day, one day at a time. I need to have faith in him, that what he says is true and that we are okay. I need to remember to just breath ...

And, honestly, if he walked away he'd be an idiot. =)

Deep breath in, deep breath out, and on to enjoying another day .. .. ..

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Love and it's many definitions.. .. ..

So M and I have been seeing each other a lot and not a day goes by that we don't talk. Things are truly amazing and so ... different. He is becoming such a good friend first and foremost. I can talk to him about anything, and he can do the same. We talk about random stuff, important stuff, and share a little more about ourselves each day. We laugh, comfort, care so much about each other. The relationship is so special in so many ways.

This past weekend was great together. Saturday night he came over and we shared a super evening. We had champagne and strawberries and pineapple with chocolate fondue. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. Often we both share how comfortable it is with one another. No pressures, no stress. No expectations. No censoring. Nothing but acceptance and shared enjoyment of our company. It was a wonderful night ... Sunday we got together again and things took a little bit of a turn...

So we went to pizza and were watching the football game. On another TV they had the MTV awards on. Well, Beyonce was on singing her single ladies song. And so I looked at M and asked, "She says all the single ladies should put their hands up... should I put my hands up?" He smiled and gave me a kiss, but didn't say anything ... Later we went back to his house to hang out for awhile and he said he wanted to talk about something....

The "L" Word. My heart was RACING. There had been many times over the last week or so when he'd say/do something and my first thought was "I love you". BUT I was NOT going to say it!!! NOT FIRST anyways. So I was nervous ... what was HE thinking?? So he said he believes there is all type of love in varying levels and then there is "in love". Long story short (because we could talk things to death ... communication is GREAT between us...) we both agreed that we love each other. The exact definition of that love is uncertain, however it's very much there. So... the "L" word has been introduced to our relationship. And then he also said, "BTW, to answer your question earlier ... I'd appreciate if you kept your hands down" and winked at me. So... guess we're officially more than just "kinda dating". =) (Not sure WHAT we are .... it's irrelevant anyways ... just know it's wonderful).. .. ..

The great thing is we are both so very honest with each other. It's easy to talk to one another and share how we feel and what we think. Even if we don't know how the other will react/feel, we promise each other to be honest and open. It's extremely refreshing and has been wonderful!

I won't lie ... I am not sure where my love for him falls today ... but I do know that it's headed down the path to being in love with him. I have more than once thought to myself "I can see myself with this man for the rest of my life". The best part is there is no rush. We both feel so comfortable and confident and happy where we are that there isn't a rush to move on to the "next level" or stake claim on one another. We do get swept away sometimes, but reground each other and remind ourselves that if this is true and right we have a lifetime to experience things together. So one day at a time, enjoy every moment, and no overthinking or rushing things!!

It's a different approach ... for both of us ... And it's working better than anything that's happened before for either of us! Definitely don't want to think too far ahead ... will acknowledge that we're pretty certain there is an "ahead" for us though!!! =)

((Oh for those that have asked ... He's 5'11"-ish, brown hair, green eyes ... GREAT body ... One kid ... Great career - law enforcement ... And has a heart big as the world. I am soooo lucky!!!))

Friday, September 11, 2009


Just out of interest.... I looked back to when I started this blog. Just a few days over a year ago. Is it crazy I don't recognize that person? That I have grown so much and changed so much that I am almost embarrassed that I was so ... weak? I know that all that I experienced molded me into who I am today and for that I must be grateful. I have learned so very very much.

I heard a quote yesterday ... "The further you look into the past the farther you can see into your future". LOOK at those past mistakes, look at where you were, where you're at, and where you want to go. BE a better person today than yesterday, and tomorrow than today!!

Life is Crazy!!

But good. =) I thought with the end of summer would come some relief from the constant go-go-go of life. Of course I was just kidding myself! Things seem to be just as busy or busier here on this end. Logan started Kindergarten and "it sucks" ... oh boy! He is adjusting "okay" though homework is a challenge and his overall enthusiasm with school is ... lacking to say the least. I knew this would be a challenge with Logan. Jonah liked school (though he too dislikes homework), but Logan is much more of a goof-off and enjoys the "funner" things in life. I think he'll do fine and his teacher says he is smart and CAN succeed, he just needs to focus a little more. Tell me something I DIDN'T know!!

Jonah is doing well back east. He likes school a lot and says "the girls are prettier". Lord help me. Apparently he has a crush on FIVE girls ... hmpf. I talked to him this weekend and we both cried. There are so many feelings I have on the situation... I am so proud of him for making such an adult decision and the right choice for him. My heart aches and I miss him so much though. And I feel guilt ... when people ask about my kids and I have to say I have two, but only one with me. For some reason I feel like a failure. I KNOW I am not, but people look at you like you had to have sucked as a parent for your child to not want to live with you ... and I do wonder a lot. I wonder if choices and behaviors in the past led him to this decision. He says not, but..... Bottom line, though, I am happy that he is happy. That is all a momma could want for her child....

As for ME.... busy!! Between Logan's soccer practice and games, my softball and soccer, Union Board, Credit Union Board, management training, AND my "regular" job ... I have been swamped and overwhelmed!! But it's good. Keeps me busy. I think these next two weekends will be busy, then things should slow down ... relatively.

I am also seeing someone new... I felt bad in a lot of ways that things couldn't work out for me and F, but they just couldn't. We started things out WAY wrong and those would be issues that wouldn't go away. And we're really two different people, at two different places in life.

A good friend had "a friend" that she connected me with. We have been talking a few weeks and things are going beyond amazing. We have a lot in common, with a good balance of our "own things". He has a great career, good goals, level head ... he is a parent too so he understands that responsibility and role. And he's really turning into an amazing friend and potential partner ... We both want to take things slow .... really get to know each other and build from a friendship up. Sometimes it's hard ... the heart runs faster than the logical mind. However we keep each other grounded and remind ourselves that each day is an opportunity to learn more and to know each other better. I won't lie though... I am very optimistic!!!

So there goes the days of my life ... Now off to another meeting!!! =)