My heart just hurts.. .. ..

I sit here, again, sobbing. I can't stop crying. I feel like my hearts been ripped out and is in someone else's hand, being squeezed. I can't catch my breath. I can't focus...

I felt so bad at lunch. More than once my friends had to ask if I was okay ... to 'snap me back to reality' when I was staring off into the void I feel. I would hear the words people said, but couldn't comprehend the context. I had to excuse myself to purge lunch as the knot in my stomach won out ...

And he messaged me ... off and on all day ... Good morning. Drive safe. Hope you're having a good time. He even asked if maybe he should leave me alone for awhile ...

It's such a catch-22. On one hand NO, please don't stop messaging me. Please don't stop caring. On the other, please stop squeezing... I love him. Like I have never loved before. I wish he would just think ... for just a second ... about how good it is between us. I thought maybe I was delusional, but my friends say "he can't fake happiness like his smile shows in that picture". My brother says, "Jenn, the way he looked at you, it was real". So why?? Why wouldn't you want that? Why message me TODAY that "...but I have to say that i love u an u can always make me smile... thank u for that :)" ...?? Then WHY wouldn't he want that as part of his day-to-day life?!

Or maybe he does. Maybe he continues to hold on to me, not because he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, but because he wants to make himself feel better. Maybe he could care less about how I'm hurting as long as he can proverbially "have his cake and eat it too".

Or maybe he does love me and maybe he will decide he wants to be with me. Yes, I would still in a heartbeat say "Let's start over and let's keep writing this chapter of life together". Things would be different. Definitely slow down. Definitely make sure he's working through his past and I'm working through mine. And we would work together on a future. But I don't hate him; I love him very very much. And, sincerely in my heart, I think he feels the same. I just can't pretend to understand all this ... but I just do not feel that this chapter is over...

As for contact, I don't know what to do. Consensus is cut it off. Either he'll realize how much he misses me and come to his senses or I will be able to heal. Right now it's just seemingly false hope and extra pain. The idea of him not in my life at all, though, is excruciating as well. I don't know what to do.

I wonder if I'm just fooling myself to believe he cares and he will come back. I don't know if I am just in denial. I just know I love him unconditionally, with all the pieces of my hurting heart ...