Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Can't stop smiling ...

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

And another great weekend.. .. ..

What an awesome weekend!

Friday I left work a little early to help N out ... he needed to go to Fresno to pick up another car and so I went with him to drive it home for him. The ride down there was so nice. We talked some, he took a phone call, I was texting ... just being!! Things are just so comfortable with him ... so normal. So we got down there, then headed right back in the separate cars. It was nice, to have the time to think, to reflect on how things are going... When we got back to his house I used his computer for a few and hung out with him and L, his daughter. They got into a WWIII wrestling match, which was HILARIOUS!! We were all joking and hanging out; having a good time. L wanted to go to the football game, so I took her and dropped her off. We had all the windows down, the moon roof open, and the music up ... so much fun! N came over and hung out for the few hours she was at the game. At least I *think* he was there ... Logan stole him! LOL

Saturday morning Logan and I got up and went to L's cross-country match. Holy smokes, talk about impressed. She ran a 3 mile course in 22:35. YES, a little over 7 minutes a mile!!! I was exhausted FOR HER. She had to stay the day, so Logan and I took off to his soccer game.... and N came too!! After that N went home and Logan and I went to clean house!! I had three kids on their way!! LOL. I babysat for a friend ... her three kids, 12, 7, and 3. =) My brother came over, too, and N and L. The kids all got along SO well and had a great time!! They were so well behaved ... I would watch them ANYTIME.

The downer was ... 10 minutes before dinner time N got a call-out. =( Had to respond to a crime scene. So he had to take off, but L decided to stay and hang out. And stayed. I offered to take her home, but she wanted to hang out. So we played Guitar Hero, Wii Fit, and talked ... until dad got home at 4 a.m.!!! YIKES!! It was so awesome though. Such a good time getting to know her!!

Sunday Logan and I were LAZY until soccer time at 1:00. N & L came out (N plays with us now). We had a good game, but lost, but I was too tired to care!! We left to go home for dinner, and L rode with me. ... . Told her dad "meet you there!". =) Soooo, I *think* she might like me!! Whooohoooo!! They came for dinner, and while it was cooking all four of us went out front and played soccer together. It was so nice and such fun!

After they went home (N had to work at 6) we relaxed and went to bed early. It was such a nice weekend and a great way to start the week. Here's hoping for many more good times with the people I adore!!! =)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

(Little Less) Cautiously Optomistic

Last night I went to my friend Mary's house. Just to stop by and drop off some stuff. It turned into a long visit, which is always a treat with Mary. We were sorting candle orders and just kinda b.s.'ing when she asked about N. She said, "You haven't talked much about him, what's up?"

She's right. I don't talk about N much. I do not feel like this relationship is ANYTHING like the ones I have had in the past. I know I've already talked about this, but I don't feel fireworks and butterflies. I feel peace and security. And I am slowly, cautiously, falling in love with the man he is. I don't feel a need to grasp to him or make labels. I don't need a plan or a commitment. I don't need anything but the moment with N. I talked those things through with Mary and she was beaming. She said, "this one is so different, and different is good."

I have talked to Nikki, Mary, my brother, and my counselor about N. And all have said that he could be "the one". I think maybe, though I'm in no rush to make that happen. I weigh everything with him. Pro's/con's ... likes (no dislikes yet) ... On paper, he is everything I want and need. He is secure, he has a great career, he's a phenomenal father, and he treats me like a princess. In my heart, he is everything I want. And some stuff I didn't even know I wanted. Goofy as heck, silly, and just full of life.

After talking to Mary I went home and N and I started talking. We shared a lot of the thoughts we both were hesitant to share. We have both been able to see ourselves sharing a home. Sharing our families. We are both willing to take our time getting there though. And I think that balance is what will make it work. I told him I am not ready to share all of me. I am scared and I can't be hurt again. I have to keep him at arms length and slowly allow him in. He is okay with that and willing to put in the time and effort to make this work. He is such a good man and words cannot fully express how good he is to me. How caring, compassionate, and patient.

So we will continue building this foundation we have started. Letting it go as naturally as possible, and puling back the reigns when necessary. I will say, I am ubber excited today. N is working overtime and his daughter needs picked up from school so I am going to get her. And she's happy about that. ;) She likes me, and Logan likes N, so at least one big hurdle has been cleared!!

Still hesitant, still scared, however holding faith in God, myself, and N ... and just trusting the process!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Great Weekend

I had such a fun, great weekend!!

Friday night was so great. Logan and I went home and I made dinner. Which used to be a normal thing for me, but lately I had been lagging. It's so hard to make a dinner for two. Leftovers go to waste and it's a lot of effort for just the two of us. Soooo... we had company! I invited my brother and N over!! I made ranch chicken, rice pilaf, and broccoli. Yummmmmmy. They all enjoyed dinner so much. It was kind of nerve wrecking, and exciting, to make dinner for N. Luckily he doesn't cook, so anything is good, and he absolutely loved it and is still raving about it. For good measure I also made him brownies (his favorite) for dessert. We (brother, N, and I) stayed up late visiting and them getting to know each other. We had such a great night!!

Saturday was another great day. Logan had woke up Friday night coughing and ended up throwing up from it. We had a long night because of it, so we stayed home Saturday morning to rest and hopefully feel better. He was doing good, so he went with friends to a huge pumpkin patch and to spend the night so I could go off with my friend Kelli for the night. We went to a San Jose Sharks game! I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a hockey game, so it was an awesome time!!! Sooo much fun. We got home super super late, but it was so worth it!!

Since Logan spent the night with friends, I got to sleep in!! And boy did I ... until 11:15!! Wooohooo!! It was soooo nice and for once I felt fully rested and not tired!! I got up and went to get Logan and then soccer. N started playing soccer with us, so we met out there. It was a lot of fun playing soccer together. He did pretty well besides feeling like he'd die because he's out of shape. hehe. We'll take care of that. ;) He also brought his daughter, and it was nice to meet her! We all had lunch together afterwards and I *think* it went well. After that Logan got a much-needed haircut then we went home to veg. We left the house one last time, to take N some snacks and say good night. Then it was a peaceful, happy night at home.

So ended a great weekend and started a great week!!

Feeling Well-Balanced

So another relationship has started for me. And I think I'm as tired of my relationships as my friends are. Always someone new I'm excited about and head over heels about. I know my friends are hesitant and tired of hearing about it. Hell I am out of enthusiasm myself.

And I don't have that zest and enthusiasm this time. I am not head over heels. I am not in love. I am, however, very happy and very at peace.

Things with N have been easy. This relationship feels a lot like the last. Those things I was so devastated I was losing are all right here again. N and I communicate very well. We can talk for hours. We check in on how our days are (his are always much more exciting, lol). We are very comfortable with each other. The ease of sharing our time together is so nice.

My brother met him the other day and really, really likes him. He said "This guy is really great. I hope it works". N has a good balance about him. He is a man's-man, being the big-bad cop ... yet he has a heart of gold and treats me like a complete princess. I have NO doubts he would NOT hurt me and will value and treasure me for a long time to come...

He has spent time with Logan and they are the best of friends now. They play Lego's (N bought three sets the other day for them to build together). Now that's all Logan wants to do. He asks when N is coming over all the time. They have a definite bond.

And yesterday I met his daughter. She is 15 and beautiful, sweet, and a lot of fun. We talked some at soccer, and then all went out to lunch together. I *think* she likes me and N says he's pretty sure she does too. I sincerely hope so.. .. .. It frightens the heck of me that I could potentially have a 15y old step-daughter someday, but she is a good girl and I can see us having a great relationship.

So, I guess I will say I'm very cautiously optimistic. I don't want to invest too much of my heart or get my hopes up. I do enjoy N's company very much though and cannot deny that the comfort of our company feels great and is something I long to have long-term.

We'll just keep going day-by-day and see how it goes. I do feel blessed, though. And fully realize and appreciate that truly when one door closes another does open. Normally with greater potential and possibilities than the last!!

Friday, October 9, 2009


You know, life really is sweeter when you take it one day at a time. When you appreciate the moments. And so is a relationship, as I'm learning. So I have been on the fence with how I feel about N. There still aren't mad crazy sparks and "I am dying to see you" feelings. There isn't a need for a label or to know "what's next". And I like it. A lot. I like that I am uncertain on how I feel, however I know that each time we talk I want to know a little more. I like that he is interested in me, though he's patient to take the time to get to know me. I like that we smile ... a lot. Laugh a lot. And can sit in silence and still be grinning just as much. There is a level of comfort that is soothing. Like hanging out with a good friend. I can see a future with him though I'm in no rush to make that happen. It's nice to be "going with the flow". We spend a lot of time together, and balance time apart. It's good.

And he is the single most genuine, sincere, sweet person I know. He treats me like an absolute princess and I have no doubt he would not even imagine to look elsewhere while we are together. He appreciates the small things and shares those with me. It's nice to hear randomly "you are beautiful". And then in the next sentence picking and laughing at each other.

He is coming over again tonight. I was looking forward to maybe watching a movie and hanging out. He is headed to Target right now, though. To get Lego sets. To build with Logan. Guess my date night will be another night. Tonight is fun with Logan night. Guess the boys will have to teach me how to build with Lego's. And just the thought makes me grin from ear to ear .. .. ..

Monday, October 5, 2009

Wonderful weekend and new possibilities.. .. ..

This weekend was really good. Surprisingly good.

Friday night I had a date. I was set up with this guy by a very close friend of mine. She said he's a sweetheart and thought we'd click. So, why not??

The first thing that impressed me about him was his take-charge attitude. Instead of beating around the bush, he just straight out asked me out. Then he asked if I'm okay with surprises and set up the date and just told me what time to be ready. It was nice not having to make any decisions or figure out anything beyond what to wear.

So I wasn't really nervous OR excited about the date. I felt really relaxed and just viewed it as an opportunity to hang out with someone new.

The date ended up being fantastic. He (N) picked me up right on time and we instantly clicked. I was good to keep conversation light and had low-key talk and banter. He took me to play putt-putt which I LOVE. And it's such a fun, light-spirited thing to do. Provided plenty of time to hang out and talk and be goofy and silly. Which we did all the above. We ended up golfing all three courses and had such a fantastic time. After that we played some air hockey. Then we were off to "part two" of the date. :) He took me to Marie Calendar's for dessert! We had such good conversation and just really enjoyed the company!

Afterwards he took me home and stayed until 4 am. We got to know each other, but I was careful to keep a lot back. I have two 'major' things I think is important to share, and did, and he wasn't phased by either. Besides that, though, I kept the conversation more on him and a little lighter, for the most part.

Saturday was going to be a low-key, hang around the house kind of day. Logan was chilling and I decided to ask N if he wanted to just come hang out. So he did. What surprised me the most was Logan's immediate draw to him. Which surprised and worried me. Lately Logan has had an ambivalence towards people...not really interested in making new friends. I was kinda counting on that when I invited N over. But within five minutes Lo was showing him toys and before I knew it they were building Lego spaceships and flying them around the house. They definitely instantly clicked. N stayed and hung out throughout the evening and we all three were having a good time.

Sunday he came back again, for my soccer game. He came back to the house for just a few before Lo and I had to go to a football party and N had to go home to sleep before work. (He is a police officer, working through the nights). Logan was very upset that he was not staying with us. I really feel bad about that because what if it doesn't work?? hmpf.

I am a wee bit confused with N. I like him. He is very very sweet and treats me like a princess. The things he says and does blows my mind. I have absolutely no doubt he would hurt me like I have been hurt. And I look forward to talking to him again and seeing him again. I just feel almost too comfortable ... I don't even know how to explain it. We'll just have to see how it goes I suppose. I will say, it was a very nice weekend. I am just very hesitant. Very guarded. So we will see.. .. ..

Overall though I am very happy besides this situation. I feel good about things again. I had a great day with my friends yesterday. This week is busy with friends and sports. ((OH I am going to start playing softball on Friday nights, too!)) And we'll see what the weekend holds. I am just happy right now and that feels good!