Monday, September 29, 2008
It started Thursday when I started getting right side pain in my back. Within hours I was in the hospital. Long story short, they *think* I had a kidney stone. Because of the stone and the pain associated I was contracting. I ended up in Labor and Delivery where they pumped two bags of fluids, one bag of anti-biotics, two shots of Turbiduline (to stop contractions), and a six hour rest to get everything calmed down. I finally felt better, contractions stopped, and they sent me home on meds. I am taking Procardia every four hours around the clock (zzzzz, I'm tired) to keep the contractions away. It is working, though, so it's worth it.
Friday night the ex came into town and picked up the boys. It was ... odd ... seeing her again after so many months. I wasn't sure how I'd feel, and I guess I was a ball of mixed emotions. On one hand I missed her and felt a rush of love for her, in the same instant I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Saturday I went to my niece's soccer games, as the boys and I do ever week, and she was there with them. She was so sweet and caring again. Rubbing my belly, pushing my hair behind my ear, babying me with my swollen feet.. .. .. But I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I knew I couldn't allow myelf to take it as anything more than her being nice. I couldn't allow myself to feel what I used to feel. I couldn't allow myself to hurt again.. .. ..
She and the boys came by the house afterwards. She needed to look for a blanket.. .. .. she ended up having lunch there with the boys and hanging out for a bit until I had to hurry and take them back so I could get ready to go to a wedding. It was different having her in the house. Again, almost like a stranger, a visitor. I don't know if it's because I didn't want to feel anything or that I really feel like she IS a stranger, like I don't even know her. Which, really, is how I feel most the time.
We actually got along well most of the weekend. Sunday she brought the boys to the lake where I was at a church lunch and we started to have a good talk. We talked about how she's somewhat hurt by the changes I am making in my life and how she wishes I could have made them when we were together. Of course we did end up arguing at one point. Too many wounds, too much hurt still. The whole anniversary before she broke up with me. She finally admitted the date, and I quickly put it together as the night they spent alone in LA. The weekend she swore to me nothing happened and she'd always love me and never leave us (me and the boys). I have to wonder how a relationship built on lies and hurting others can be a good thing.. .. ..
Anywho, she left with us fighting again, this time about the kids and her insistance that it's fine if her girlfriend is around them. She cornered Jonah and I was furious at her for putting him in that position. He said, "I don't really care, as long as I get to see you." How does she not see that's him putting his feelings aside, taking whatever he has to, just to see her? He was bawling when she left, again walking out of their lifes for goodness knows how long. It breaks my heart to see the boys hurt, but she doesn't seem to see that part. She thinks it's okay to swoop in for two days every two months and everything is okay. NOW she thinks she visited once alone with them, so it's okay to bring the girlfriend next time. Really, if you only see "your kids" every two months don't you think it should be one-on-one time and they shouldn't have to share you?? We'll see what happens.
I do know that my heart still aches sometimes. That I'll always love her. But that she is not the person I fell in love with and not someone I respect. After she was gone for a few, things returned to normal and the boys and I were okay again. THAT felt good. To know that we have eachother and we'll always be okay.. .. ..
Friday, September 26, 2008
BUT he does love math. And he's always excelled at it. So much so that he tested on an 8th grade level!!! He's in SIXTH grade right now. He's been recommended to the GATE program, an advanced class to help challenge him so he doesn't get bored. It's a huge honor to be accepted to GATE and I am soooo flippin' proud.
I am also proud and happy that Jonah is taking the initative to do well. I have not been checking his homework or correcting it. I told him at the beginning of the year that I trust him to get his work done, done right, and turned in. I told him that I would not micro-manage him unless he gave me reason to. So far, the teacher says there is no reason to, that Jonah is doing what he needs to get done. I am so proud of him for doing as he promised and taking care of his responsibilities.
I must say, it's hard to watch your kids grow up, but there is so much pride in seeing them develop into responsible young men.. .. ..
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Today is going to be an exciting day. It's parent-teacher conference day! I will get to meet Jonah's teacher and see how he's doing. I asked him this morning if there was anything I should know before meeting his teacher. He paused, then said, "Yes, there is". He proceeded to tell me that he had a few late assignments in the beginning of the year. He said they were penmenship papers, practicing his cursive writing. He says that he did get them in, but they were late. He lost them on his desk at home. So we talked about how we can organize his desk better and we're going to go get bins for him to store stuff in and clean off his desk a little. I told him I was proud of him for being honest with me and that we'll see how the meeting goes and we'll figure it out from there. The maturity he showed in opening up to me was so impressive though and I was so proud of him. So I am looking forward to meeting the teacher and seeing his viewpoint on things and going from there. But, regardless of what is said, I am proud of Jonah for being honest and owning his mistakes. He is showing maturity some adults I know still don't!!!
That's the big news for the day, and an update is sure to come tomorrow.
My only other objective tonight is to *hopefully* finish my book. I am on the edge of my seat wanting to know how it ends!!! LOL.
I was telling Nikki that I was getting so big. She didn't believe me so I sent her a pic to prove it.. .. ..
She responded that no, I am still small. I don't FEEL small, so I thought, "I'll prove it!!" and I put on my walking clothes and took another picture and sent it to her.. .. ..
I said, "See, I AM BIG!" I told her that in my "regular clothes" (size M non-maternity yoga capris and a size L non-maternity shirt) you could really see how big my belly is!! She so cleverly pointed out that I cannot be "BIG" at 31 weeks and still fitting into NON-Maternity clothes!!! Okay, why didn't I realize what an oxymoron that was going to be??!! LOL
SO I guess I conceed. I am not that big, but I AM growing!! Like I said, though, overall I feel fantastic and I cannot WAIT for this little girls family to meet her in just NINE short weeks!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
First, I woke up late. Again. As this pregnancy progresses (31 weeks tomorrow!!!) I find myself more and more fatigued. This little sweetie is definitely growing like a weed and gaining strength. I must say, most people look at this as the uncomfortable, dreaded last few weeks of pregnancy. I am loving it! I love seeing the sudden burst of growth, the amazing amount of movement that will rock my whole abdomen, the shift of the hips - signaling the impending delivery of a new life into the world. I love every bit of it.. .. .. but it does make a body exhausted! So, I snoozed the alarm and woke up a little late.
I have a bad habit of getting frantic and rushing around like a tornado. I get the kids in a flurry and push them to hurry up and I'm not always as nice as I should be. On Sunday at Church our Pastor talked about our first love and remembering to stay true to that. To stay true to our family and friends and cherish them. Make your living for them, not making a living. So, I stopped and said a quick prayer, asking for patience and peace and a gentle tone with the kids. Things went more smoothly than I could have hoped and we left the house only 3 minutes later than I wanted!! And we were all in a good mood and geared up for the day.
I knew that I was still on track to be a few minutes late for work. I again prayed for patience and the ability to just take the morning in stride. Here's the cool part.. .. .. I dropped the kids at daycare and made my way down the road to turn onto the main road and head to the freeway. Inevitably every day I get stopped at the red turn light as I'm trying to get from the relatively quiet road to the bustling road. I anticipate this and know it's a given. I am over a quarter mile away and see that the turn light is green. YEP, NEVER going to make that light. I get closer and it's still green. Mind you, there is NO other traffic my direction but me. The opposite light is filling fast with cars. I keep going, still green...still green...I make the turn, and after I'm all the way through it turns yellow. Now, this may sound silly to some, but I knew better. I knew that in the six months I have been driving that way this has NEVER happened. I knew it was a gentle nudge telling me I AM NOT alone and "someone" is on my side. Talk about a good way to start the day!!!
I got to work and my heart was heavy from the conversation the night before (read down two blog entries and you'll understand). I had to let it out. My best friend in the whole world, Nikki, read it over and walked me through it. She dissected it, brought it into perspective, and made me giggle and laugh the whole thing off. Nikki has been the most amazing, wonderful person to have touched my life. I don't think even SHE knows how much she has helped healed my soul and saved me from myself. She is one of those true friends who knows what to say, when to say it, and when to just send her love in full force and say nothing at all. By far today - and every day - she is a blessing at the top of my list!!! (LOVE YOU NIKKI!!)
My next bit of good in the day was getting an email from my childhood friend Kyla. Kyla and I were part of a group in Jr. High that was inseparable, dynamic, and the core of my Jr. High experience. We all experienced our fair share of joy, tears, laughter, and sadness. Due to the AF base closing many of us were separated right after Jr. High. Kyla and I had reconnected last year, then off again (my fault, I own it and apologize) and have since reconnected again. Kyla has also stayed in contact with my Jr. High Soul Sister, Jennie. Jennie and I were ALWAYS together. Her mother was the mother I never had. Her brother was another little brother to me. Her dad would call from the war and I was included in the conversation as one of the kids. Her family was - and always has been and will be - a huge part of my life and heart. Unfortunately, I am TERRIBLE about staying in touch and lost touch shortly after she moved. Something I have ALWAYS regretted. Well, that's a long story to get to the good news. Today Kyla told me that both she AND Jennie will be in California at the end of October!!!!!!!! We are making plans to all get together for the day!!! When I read the email, I cried. My heart swelled up thinking of it and how wonderful it will be to see two of my dearest most beloved friends again. I cannot wait to make a final plan and to see them. AND TO NEVER LOSE TOUCH AGAIN!!!!! Part of my new plan in life.. .. .. making sure those that matter most KNOW IT!!! So that was good times #3 for the day.
Then I pick up the boys and we head home. Jonah and I have been talking about doing a chore chart, though we've never completed it. But I asked him, "What do you think about starting our nightly chores tonight?" He said, "Okay, sounds good Mom". The idea is that we can do a few things each night during the week as part of our routine, then the weekends we can relax and enjoy each others company. So we get home and we divide up what to do. Jo got vacuum duty, just for the tile floors. Which, in our house, is a lot. On his own initiative he added the bathrooms. (So proud of him). Logan had to clean up his room, as a hurricane had hit yesterday. And I had to put away laundry that was done but hadn't quite made it to closets, drawers, and cabinets. We all set off to work and in an hours time we'd all finished our chores. We congratulated each other, thanked each other, and all just felt good about working together as a team. Tomorrow Jo and I will get on the computer and "map out" our chores, assigning tasks to each day. It felt so good to all work together and accomplish a goal together. And seeing the boys participation and enthusiasm was such a boost. Great moment #4.. .. ..
Finally, the last great moments of the day. The "me" time. My friend Mary and I went on our walk together. We're trying to get into a routine, though right now it's more "can you go tonight?". We walk for about 45 minutes, chatting away, and completing a 2 mile heart-to-heart. I always feel refreshed spiritually and physically. I LOVE our walks! After I got the boys in bed I sat down and read. I MISSED reading. I didn't realize how much until I started getting into it again. I read up to the designated page (book club, ya know) and then I caught up on a little DVR. Sitting there, I looked around and thought, "Life is good". Really, I have things I could worry about. I have stresses I could focus on. But when it all boils down to it at the end of the day, life is good.
I feel so blessed today. Blessed that I'm never alone, that I have great friends who NEVER leave my side, great friends who are resurfacing, two AMAZING awesome little boys (don't tell Jo I called him little though), and a great person in myself who, even at the end of the night - sitting there all alone, is great company to be around and someone I love and enjoy.
Like I said, today was a good day and life IS good.. .. ..
Honestly, writing provides me such healing and such release. To share the inner frustration and pain and then get to share the outer joy and exuberance.. .. .. It's a blessing to have such an outlet!
Just, please know, I'm not crazy. I just think .. .. .. A LOT!!! And with that said, on to my "Today was a Good Day" post!!
Seriously, I am so tired of being - or attempting to be made - to feel guilty for OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES. I am sorry if you cannot handle the responsiblity of the life you are chosing, but it was YOUR CHOICE. I will not stand by and be used and support your new life for the benefit of you and your new family. I have enough to deal with on my own. I don't want to continue to take care of someone else and be legally and financially obligated to what I no longer have anything to do with. It's USING me and I'm TIRED of it.
So I gave an ultimatum yesterday that went on deaf ears. No, I was serious. Either you take care of it or I will!! I am tired of being a doormat. If your new life is so wonderful and perfect, then take care of it. If you can afford a new place to stay and all the expenses of life together, then get your crap the rest of your crap taken care of!! I will not support you and your new wifey. Not my job, not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be my obligation!!!!
I know this is somewhat vague, but I don't want to get into the details. Honestly, this could match A LOT of aspects of this whole twisted, warped, screwed-up situation. At this point I will be happy when the last string is cut, the last tie undone, the last connection terminated.
It becomes more and more evident of the lies that were told, the lies that CONTINUE to be told, the misleadings and the USING that is going on. Every time I *think* that things have changed, that heartfelt niceness and decency are shining through I am reminded that I am JUST BEING USED.
I deserve better treatment and it's apparent that the people of my PAST will never grow up and realize and respect that. It truly makes me sad, truly breaks my heart. I hate feeling like the person I loved with all my heart I never really knew at all.. .. ..
Friday night we had movie night with pizza and Speed Racer!! The boys loved the movie and Logan was all over the place, "racing" around the room!! When he would settle down, he was curled up next to me on the couch. Oh, I love that!! lol.
Saturday we visited with B and the kids! B made us an AMAZING lunch and the boys all had such a good time together. Her little ones are so sweet and we enjoyed playing and hanging out together. B is such a wonderful person and we had the best conversation and visit. They are an amazing family!!!
Saturday afternoon we went to the DINOSAURS!!! The boys were completely captivated by the show and enjoyed all of it. The T-Rex was a little loud for Logan, but he enjoyed it all anyways. They still haven't stopped talking about it.
Sunday was church and a little running around. We got to relax and "veg out" a bit, which was nice.
All in all it was a FANTASTIC weekend with my family. Somehow they boys always make life a little lighter and more enjoyable!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Friday, September 19, 2008
BEFORE the show we are going to have lunch with some very special friends. I have been very blessed to be adding a baby to an amazing family! The parents and I have become very close, but I've also been blessed to become close to both their families as well. The mom's brother and his family live in Fresno and we are going to go have lunch with them before the show. M & B are so wonderful and sweet and they have the CUTEST, sweetest little boys. Lo and M (their older son) have a great time playing together and little Z, who is almost one, is soooo cute and fun. I cannot wait to go spend time with them!!
Then the boys and I will have our "date" and go see the dinosaur show. Afterwards we'll grab a bite to eat and head home. I think it'll be a great day and I cannot wait to just have some out-of-the-house fun time together!!!
I think too often we knee-jerk react and let our emotions take over. When, really, all we have to do is stop and think for a moment to gain clarity and control over our reactions and emotions.
So I try to now stop and think.. .. ..
- does this directly effect me?
- is it worth the energy I am giving it?
- how does this benefit me or does it hinder me?
- am I giving it way too much more credit than it deserves?
- WHY DO I CARE??
MOREOVER, consider the source! Is this PERSON worth my energy? Consider their emotional maturity. Consider their importance in your life.
And then .. .. .. LET IT GO. You cannot say "I had a bad day because so-and-so did/said such-and-such." NO, you had a bad day because you gave away the control of your emotions and chose to live in what was said or done. It is so much easier and BETTER FOR YOU to process it and release it away.
I think the most important lesson I've learned thus far is to take control. YOU allow others the control to hurt you, upset you, or make you happy.
Take back the control, make yourself happy, and let it go.. .. ..
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I want to thank all my friends who in their own way make my world a little brighter and a little more enjoyable, and sometimes just bearable. It seems they each know just the right time to step in and say something, know when to do something, or just know when to just be there. I am very fortunate to have so many great people in my life.
My hope is that I can be half the friend to each of them that they are to me. That when they need someone they know I am there. That when they need an ear, a shoulder, or a celebration, I am here. I think that's what good friends are all about. Trudging through the rough waters together and celebrating the good together.
Thank you to all my good friends. I love you all dearly!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
It's so hard sometimes to say "I'm not going to take in anymore." Especially when you still love and care about someone. You don't want to hurt their feelings, you don't want to put them out, you don't want to 'make waves'.
But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough. You have to put back into perspective that you have not been extended that same respect and you have to stand up for yourself.
I had to do that last night. There is one situation that still leaves me feelings used and horribly insulted. And I just have to stand my ground that it needs to change. ALL other ties to me have been severed, no need to hold onto this one EXCEPT it helps this other person out and makes their life easier.
Have I been afforded any comforts here? Or was I dropped a brand-new house, all the bills, and all the responsibilities of a single mom?? Why should I make considerations and accomodations to make anyone elses life easier??
It's seriously insulting and makes me feel used.
I will say, last night was the first time I felt any bit of sincerity in an appology. I really think it was from the heart and I really think that she felt bad for hurting my feelings. However, that doesn't change the damage that was done and it doesn't change the fact that this is how life is now. You cannot pick and choose what's convenient for you and only live by those things. It's all or nothing, so take care of it!!
I hate feeling used. I hate it more than anything. And I just won't take it anymore.. .. ..
Monday, September 15, 2008
The sad truth is I believe it was the opposite. I believe that I wasn't loved for a long time. I do not believe anyone can just turn off a deep love and devotion overnight. So, it was not me who was not in love and didn't care anymore. I will not bear that burden. I will not carry that guilt. If I didn't love and care I wouldn't still be hurt and I wouldn't still feel pain.
Unfortunately I cannot just turn it off. I wish I could. And it just hurts more the more I realize that there is no regret, there is no sadness, there is no looking back on the other side. I do it all the time, but I don't think those things ever cross her mind. And that is so very sad.
I know I have to just compartmentalize it all. I have to take it in and accept it and move past it. Lingering on it will not change ANYTHING. All it does is continue to hurt me and my boys. I have an obligation to them to not continue to hurt and I have the right for myself to not hurt.
I wish it were that easy.. .. .. I wish I could just shut it off as quickly and without remorse or regret.. .. .. I wish the hurt would just go away.. .. ..
LOL!! Jo has joined the school band! He has always been wishy-washy with what activities he wants to do. He's tried baseball, soccer, basketball.... None really worked out (though he says he wants to try soccer again next year). This year he decided he wanted to try band! So I rented his equipment and his first class is Wednesday!! Oh, and - lucky me - he's trying DRUMS. LOL. It' s actually one drum and a percussion set, so we'll see how it goes. How many days of 30 minute practices I can handle before I evict him to the garage. LOL.
Jo also won a free ticket to go to Walking with Dinosaurs tonight. It's about an hour away, and it'll be a late night for the boys, but I am so proud of him and wouldn't want him to miss it. The sixth-grade kids had to write a story about their favorite dinosaur then the top ones were in a drawing for a free ticket and Jo won. He really did well with this story, and since it's a reward for good classwork there's no way I want him to miss it!!
And, one more tidbit about Jo.. .. .. well, the Tooth Fairy was way slacking. She's been tired and has fallen asleep almost immediately after the boys every night (yes, their bedtime is 8... pathetic, I know). Well, finally on Friday Jo comes into the room as I'm ironing my clothes. He says to me, so matter-of-factly,
"Mom, I know the tooth fairy isn't real, so can I just have my money??"
I lost it I was laughing so hard. And then he proceeds to tell me he's known for awhile that Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real too but he still played along to make us happy. Well, the cats out of the bag, huh?? LOL So I just asked that he keep it fun and a secret for Lo and gave him his money.. .. ..
Thursday, September 11, 2008
BUT, I must say, literally "walking it off" is fantastic!! I have started walking almost nightly with a friend of mine. If she's not available, I go on my own. I do a couple laps around the block and then head home and rest for a bit before bed.
I must say, my emotional, phyically, and spiritual health have felt so much better. And I SLEEP. Insomnia was really starting to get to me. I just couldn't get my head to shut off. Since I've been walking I fall asleep quickly and rarely wake up during the night.
I seriously feel better overall. So when something is getting to you "WALK IT OFF" .. .. .. it really does work!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I have been friends with her for almost two years. Through that time I have seen the roller coaster that she's been through. The ups and downs - and way downs - the hope, the disappointment, the frustration.
She has yet to give up, though. I know some days she is mentally and spiritually exhausted. She has such devotion and commitment and holds on to her dream, even when it seems intangible.
I admire her. I admire her spirit, her perseverance, her utter character. I hope and pray her dreams come to fruition and all these ups and downs, all these challenges, will be a small part of a bigger miracle.
I hope that she knows that she has a friend who aches with her, hopes with her, and will rejoice with her. I hope she knows she is never alone in her journey.. .. ..
I used to be the type to trust someone until they broke it. You have to extend a little rope, right? I thought people were good by nature and would allow people to get close and share with them unless they gave me reason not to. I always believed in the good in people and had a very open heart and mind to others. I took people in and shared with them about me, listened to them, and overall thought people had a good nature.
I am down right pissed that has been taken from me.
After trust was broken by my best friend of 16 years and partner of 8.5 and by another 'friend' that I had allowed into my life, it seems impossible that anyone else should be trusted. I feel like if THEY could do it, anyone could, especially if my was-supposed-to-be-life-partner broke it. If they could take every ounce of trust I had in them, that they BEGGED for and SWORE would not be broken, why would anyone else be any different??
I meet people now and am automatically skeptical of them. I wonder what their motives are, who they really are, what they do/say behind my back. I so dislike being that type person!! I dislike feeling that I have to be cautious and guarded and have to protect myself. It shouldn't be that way, right?
Worse yet, even people I have been close to for a long time I question now. My mind bounces back and forth.... do I really know this person? can I really trust them? what if they turn out to be different than I thought??
It makes me so angry and frustrated that one of the qualities I treasured most about myself - the ability to trust and let people in - has been rocked and cracked to the core. I am frustrated that I am not sure how to rebuild that in myself and how to reestablish that ability. I know that not everyone would break this trust I have to give, but if the one person I thought NEVER would did, why not everyone else?
Maybe it comes back down to the fundamental ability to trust yourself. Maybe I need to relearn to trust my own judgement (as I had a severe lapse in it, obviously) and in doing so will be able to trust others. I need to find the weak spots in my own judgement at the time and build those back up. Maybe then I can trust myself again, and in turn trust others.. .. ..
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Jo was eating dinner and said, "Hey, I lost a tooth. And it's the bottom one, not the top that was super loose."
I tell him that's great, but to please go rinse his bloody mouth (ew).. .. ..
He comes back to the room and says, "Hey, I lost the top one too!"
HOW in the world does that happen?! LOL.
Thank goodness - for once - the "Tooth Fairy" has cash.. .. ..
Monday, September 8, 2008
Oh, yes, the sarcasm is strong there. Jo is ... terrified ... of shots. The word shots and his eyes glassed over. Lo told him it would be okay, which he seemed to sincerely believe ... at that moment, anyways.
First was the hemoglobin shot. Lo go his in his toe. One prick and he started to whimper, but quickly got over it, thank goodness. Jo, on the other hand, started to panic and sweat beads. He was starting to cry about how scared he was when the nurse announced she was all done. LOL. Whew, one part down.. .. ..
OH but then it was big-shot time. Again, three each. Lo got one in the arm and one in each thigh. O.M.G.osh you'd think he was being murdered. I had to hold his little trembling body down as he said, "I don't get shots no more." Poor kid. He made it through, but the screams I swear signaled the police, CPS, and any dog listening within a five mile range. Next it was Jo's shots. Let me pretense this by saying Jo was sitting in the hallway, fetal position, with his hands over his ears during Lo's shots. Oi. So anyways, he comes in and has to lay on the table. I hold his arms to steady him and he pushes me and pops up. "I just need a second to breath, I can't breath!!" OH the drama. I finally get him to lay back down and he's crying and breathing heavy. "I'm going to die, I know it, I'm going to die." Okay, that just made me laugh. "You are NOT going to die, Jo. Suck it up." As I'm saying this she stabs shot #1 into the leg. 'OOOOOOOOhhhhh," moans out Jo.
Then he stops and says, "Hey that wasn't so bad." REALLY? Because I haven't been telling you the last 20 minutes it wouldn't be so bad??!! He says, "Okay, do it again." He starts making the most bizzare faces and we're both trying not to laugh. Needless to say the shots go quickly and easily and Jonah sits up and says, "That wasn't so bad." UGH!!
Good news is Jo doesn't need any more shots until he's 21. Thank goodness, especially since he predicts he'll still be terrified of shots. Lo has two more to get before school starts next year. To that he simply said, "I don't want to go to school anymore". Thank goodness it's 9 months away.. .. ..
- Inner stregnth to carry me through,
- Confidence to know I am a good person,
- Trust in myself and others.
Three things I do NOT want.. .. ..
- To live in the past and the mistakes of myself and others,
- Self-doubt, wondering if I am good enough,
- Mistrust of others and myself.
It sounds so easy, really, to stick with the things I want and veer from the things I do not want. But sometimes we have change in our life that rocks us to the core and challenges what we were fundamentally. We no longer have confidence in our own decision-making abilities, we doubt our self-worth, we forget to trust our instincts and trust others around us.
Rebuilding those things takes time. I am not a patient person, so I am finding out. It's been less than 3 months since my life fundamentally changed and yet I beat myself up for not being "past it" and not being stronger. I asked my best friend why I cannot just move on, why I could not just shut down like others have.
She, being the wonderful friend she is, reminded me that I have a heart full of love that I cannot just shut off. She reminds me that I have stregnth beyond measure and I just have to trust myself. It's funny, I know these things, yet it makes so much more sense and renews confidence hearing it from others.
SO, this post is purely rambling. I am not sure it even makes sense to me. BUT I think the moral is you cannot be better overnight. Even if you have a ton of GREAT days, you will have not-so-great days too. You cannot rush healing, or you may miss some very important lessons along the way. I think the first thing I want to master is trusting myself to roll through the valleys and mountains and open myself to learn what I need to learn. And I will know when I've hit the final peak and the rolling road behind me will be all worth it.. .. ..
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Is it when you get beat down to the point of doubting all self worth?
When you are told "I hope you die soon"?
How about when you find out their anniversary somehow overlaps your relationship ... though you were "never cheated on"??
I guess I know the answer. I guess I am just having a hard time knowing that I have to become the coldhearted person I am accussed of being and just cut off all communication, all ties, all connections.
I am just not a mean person. I care about people and I give chance after chance. But I guess I'm finally at the point where I can't allow myself to be hurt anymore and I have to sever any connection I had, any compassion I felt, and care I still have. It's blatently obvious she doesn't care and hasn't for a long time.
Maybe I should have just one more conversation with her, just to find out how to be a heartless S.O.B. .. .. .. It obviously makes things much easier.
Friday, September 5, 2008
First, my dear son Lo (4yrs old) crawls in to bed with me not-so-bright and early. He has something in his hand, though I'm not sure what. It's DARK in the room. Well, he slides it on his head ... it's a mask?? He starts breathing heavy and says, "I am your father." LMAO ... he found the Darth Vadar mask!! I almost peed the bed he had me laughing so hard. He was oblivious and just asked, "I did it right, Mom??" OH yes, sweetie, you did!! LMAO
On to Jo(11yrs old).. .. .. Well, he has no problem reminding me lately that he is NOT a kid, he is a "pre-teen". Oh geez, help me!! Well, on one hand it's great he's growing up and embracing this whole growing up thing. On the other it invokes unspeakable fear in me. Seriously, kids just slightly older than him are doing drugs, having sex, and having babies. Really, I can't just lock him up forever??!!
But Jo is a GOOD kid. He doesn't seem interested in those things (at least he says not) and has an air of innocence to him. Though you can't help but wonder what they talk about at school, what their mind is really thinking about. However, this morning I got a sweet reminder that he is still innocent and sweet. I was in my bathroom getting ready for work and the boys were watching cartoons together. I stopped what I was doing as I heard them singing together. It was the theme to the Wonder Pets!! LOL.
For that brief moment I had a sense of peace that YES, my boys were growing up, but even at 11 Jo wasn't too cool to sing along and enjoy the company of his baby brother. Maybe I do have hope for a few more years!!
So, I have added that to my memory bank so when things get hectic or frazzled I can stop and reflect on those moments and enjoy the little things life has to offer!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
AND, it actually turned out good!!!!
We all sat down together and enjoyed the meal WE made. What a great impromtu night it was.. .. ..
The boys have been on-and-off with wanting to talk on the phone with her. She makes the effort and sometimes it's well reciprocated and sometimes it it rejected.
Unfortunately, this week has held more rejection than reciprocation.
Yesterday was a tough day for my ex and me. So much was said, feelings were raw. Then, the boys didn't want to talk when I picked them up from daycare. They hadn't talked the day before either. I knew she was hurt even more by that, but surely today they would want to talk.. .. ..
We got home and S called and I wasn't near my phone. I asked the boys if they wanted to talk and they said no.. .. ..
My heart hit the floor. I fully respect my kids and support them 100% and would never make them do anything. Resisting the urge to say, "Are you sure, not even for a minute?" was so difficult. I couldn't muster the courage to message or call her back. I could not break her heart.
See, this is where others jump on me. I shouldn't care, they tell me. She chose to leave and therefore has to deal with the consequences. And I wholeheartedly agree.
I do, however, know that though she chose to leave she still loves those boys with all her heart. She is the only parent one has ever known, the caregiver and parent to the other since he was two. They are embedded in her heart forever.
I tried to message her a few times. And then the tears just poured. My heart hurt so bad for her in that moment. I wished I could talk to her, but I know that's just not possible. I wish I could make her understand that they aren't not taking her calls because they don't love her, but because they love her so much sometimes it hurts too much. I wish she knew how much they talk about her. How much they reminisce, how much they LOVE her.
I finally messaged her to tell her I was sorry, that they do love her, not to give up on them, and to try again tomorrow. The messages went back and forth for a bit, with the feeling of placing the blame with me. I gladly would have taken it. When she realized, though, that it wasn't me, she stopped texting.
I know it sounds crazy, I know my friends reading this will want to slap me, but I just wish I could give her a hug and tell her she IS loved and missed, even if it doesn't seem that way, and things will work out.
They just hurt, too.. .. ..
I am still not sure if this little one is head up or head down. Either she's using her cute little fingers or her tiny little toes to hold on to my right ribs and swing. No, seriously, I know you think I'm joking, but I'm not. I get this pinch in my ribs and suddenly my tummy is rockin'! My whole belly bounces and I feel hits (or kicks??) way down in my lower belly!!
Her big sister is a ballerina and gymnast. I keep telling her she's going to have a little sister who is going to grow up just like her. I say the uneven bars may be her best choice given her current choice of activity.
Okay, enough play time.. .. .. time to try and pry her off the monkey bars!!
In the slightest of whispers I hear, "Mommy, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, baby," I reply as I throw the covers over him.
He snuggles in tight against my back and, again in a soft whisper, "Mommy, can I play with your hair."
"Yes, sweetie," I smile and say as his fingers twine through my hair. (Every since he was a baby nursing he would do this, and it still brings great comfort to him.. .. .. and me).
Normally we'll lay there like that for a few minutes, then he'll start his morning chat with me. Sometimes it's lighthearted, about the amazing dream he had where he is the Hulk and fighting for the good of the world. Or he's hanging with Scooby and the crew. No more hanging with Batman, though, since my friend Frank told him Batman is a sissy. Logan will remind you of that, too.
Sometimes he's more somber and talks about how he misses S and wishes she were home. He'll ask when she's coming back. I gently remind him she's not, and he responds, "yes she is, for a little-little bit." We talk about her some and it is calming for him.
Then, sometimes, he just asks me to roll over and hold him. So I'll roll toward him, wrap my arms around him, and he'll snuggle in close.
In those moments nothing else seems to matter. The world stops and everything is okay. The trust, love, and connection is so strong it can make a person feel invincible.
I love my mornings and my wake up call of "good morning Mommy".
You can only be those things if you allow it. I refuse to sell myself short ever again and to ever be treated as a disposable commodity.
See, the way others treat you is a reflection of how you treat yourself. If you have no self-respect, if you think nothing better of yourself than to jump from person to person, then you will get nothing more than that.
I, personally, would rather be alone than be treated like that again.
Prior to my last relationship my life was pretty much like that. I would bounce from person to person, looking for validation, acceptance, and "love". Well, when you do that you get very little of those things and a lot of using.
My last relationship was not all bad, in my opinion. We shared some really great times and some really great love. I learned what I do want - and what I DON'T want - in a future relationship.
I do want: respect, adoration, space, sharing, trust, conversation, sincerity, and cooperation. I don't want: codependence, neediness, obligation, or distrust.
I have discovered in order to accomplish this goal I must first complete myself. I must have self-respect, self-adoration, appreciate my space, share my self, trust myself and others, be open, sincere, and work toward a cooperative relationship and goals.
No one can complete you but YOU. My ideal relationship would be with someone who was a complete person on their own. They will be self-confident and not need anyone to make them feel good about themself. They will appreciate and respect their opinions, hobbies, and interest and in return respect mine. We will have "my space", "your space", and "our space". We will work cooperatively on life together, neither of us pulling the other up or pushing the other down.
We will be two complete people, coming together to compliment one another.
Being single has shown me I DO NOT NEED ANYONE. I got the bills paid, dishes done, laundry finished, floors cleaned, dinner made, homework complete, baths and showers and brushing teeth, and even had a moment to breath. I made it.. .. .. all by myself. Each day that I complete reminds me I am strong beyond my own knowledge and I am an asset to my family, myself, and whoever I chose to share my life with.
I will not settle, I don't need to. I will not sell myself short, I am worth more.
And someday someone will appreciate that, respect that, and love me unconditionally and just as I am.. .. ..
So sometimes I say things to the ex that are mean and uncalled for. When I see the boys hurt I tell her to just go away and stay away. Not because I hate her, but I hate seeing my boys in pain.
Today I did that, and she made sure that I felt worse than I have maybe in all my life. She hit every sensetive spot she knew I had to hurt me beyond recognition and made sure I knew that no one would ever love me, respect me, or want to do anything more than use me, because that's all I am worth.
For almost an hour I couldn't stop crying. I felt broken, crushed. I had never felt so much hate from anyone before.
But I took a few breaths and realized that, yes, maybe she does feel this way about me, but I have to believe it came out like it did through pain. My sons act out and talk back, say mean things, hit and throw things, because they are in pain. I say mean things to her because I'm in pain. Isn't that basic human nature??
So, she may never ask for forgiveness for what she said. She may stand behind her words and thoughts 100%. She doesn't have to ask, though; I have already forgiven her. If I don't, if I held on to what she says, then I cannot move forward. And I've come too far to fall back down.
I have not always been the best person, I will fully admit that. But I am learning from those mistakes, growing from them, and committing to being a better person, not only that others can love, but that I can love myself.
Really, at the end of the day, isn't that what's most important? That we can look ourself in the mirror and say "I love and respect you"? Without that, what do we have?
So I take this not as a beating, but as a test to my growth through this experience and a challenge of my stregnth from within.
That moment listening to her, I was in was a challenge and it crushed me. But the true test is how long I allow it to hold me back and hold me down.
The moment has passed.. .. ..
Today's lesson: Sometimes all you'll ever want or need is right there in front of you.. .. ..