Thursday, September 4, 2008

Why am I sorry??

Tonight I was asked why I was sorry for pain my ex was feeling. I didn't do anything wrong, and I know this. Yet, compassion is something I cannot help but feel.. .. ..
The boys have been on-and-off with wanting to talk on the phone with her. She makes the effort and sometimes it's well reciprocated and sometimes it it rejected.

Unfortunately, this week has held more rejection than reciprocation.

Yesterday was a tough day for my ex and me. So much was said, feelings were raw. Then, the boys didn't want to talk when I picked them up from daycare. They hadn't talked the day before either. I knew she was hurt even more by that, but surely today they would want to talk.. .. ..

We got home and S called and I wasn't near my phone. I asked the boys if they wanted to talk and they said no.. .. ..

My heart hit the floor. I fully respect my kids and support them 100% and would never make them do anything. Resisting the urge to say, "Are you sure, not even for a minute?" was so difficult. I couldn't muster the courage to message or call her back. I could not break her heart.

See, this is where others jump on me. I shouldn't care, they tell me. She chose to leave and therefore has to deal with the consequences. And I wholeheartedly agree.

I do, however, know that though she chose to leave she still loves those boys with all her heart. She is the only parent one has ever known, the caregiver and parent to the other since he was two. They are embedded in her heart forever.

I tried to message her a few times. And then the tears just poured. My heart hurt so bad for her in that moment. I wished I could talk to her, but I know that's just not possible. I wish I could make her understand that they aren't not taking her calls because they don't love her, but because they love her so much sometimes it hurts too much. I wish she knew how much they talk about her. How much they reminisce, how much they LOVE her.

I finally messaged her to tell her I was sorry, that they do love her, not to give up on them, and to try again tomorrow. The messages went back and forth for a bit, with the feeling of placing the blame with me. I gladly would have taken it. When she realized, though, that it wasn't me, she stopped texting.

I know it sounds crazy, I know my friends reading this will want to slap me, but I just wish I could give her a hug and tell her she IS loved and missed, even if it doesn't seem that way, and things will work out.

They just hurt, too.. .. ..

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