I wish it were that easy.. .. ..

I wish it were easy to just quit caring. I wish that it were true, that I didn't love my ex for a long time. I think that would make things SOOOO much easier. The truth is I still do love her and care about her. Otherwise things wouldn't hurt so bad.

The sad truth is I believe it was the opposite. I believe that I wasn't loved for a long time. I do not believe anyone can just turn off a deep love and devotion overnight. So, it was not me who was not in love and didn't care anymore. I will not bear that burden. I will not carry that guilt. If I didn't love and care I wouldn't still be hurt and I wouldn't still feel pain.

Unfortunately I cannot just turn it off. I wish I could. And it just hurts more the more I realize that there is no regret, there is no sadness, there is no looking back on the other side. I do it all the time, but I don't think those things ever cross her mind. And that is so very sad.

I know I have to just compartmentalize it all. I have to take it in and accept it and move past it. Lingering on it will not change ANYTHING. All it does is continue to hurt me and my boys. I have an obligation to them to not continue to hurt and I have the right for myself to not hurt.

I wish it were that easy.. .. .. I wish I could just shut it off as quickly and without remorse or regret.. .. .. I wish the hurt would just go away.. .. ..