What a week(end).. .. ..

The last few days have been a whirlwind. Sometimes it's nice to stand on the other side and breath a sigh of relief that you made it through.

It started Thursday when I started getting right side pain in my back. Within hours I was in the hospital. Long story short, they *think* I had a kidney stone. Because of the stone and the pain associated I was contracting. I ended up in Labor and Delivery where they pumped two bags of fluids, one bag of anti-biotics, two shots of Turbiduline (to stop contractions), and a six hour rest to get everything calmed down. I finally felt better, contractions stopped, and they sent me home on meds. I am taking Procardia every four hours around the clock (zzzzz, I'm tired) to keep the contractions away. It is working, though, so it's worth it.

Friday night the ex came into town and picked up the boys. It was ... odd ... seeing her again after so many months. I wasn't sure how I'd feel, and I guess I was a ball of mixed emotions. On one hand I missed her and felt a rush of love for her, in the same instant I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Saturday I went to my niece's soccer games, as the boys and I do ever week, and she was there with them. She was so sweet and caring again. Rubbing my belly, pushing my hair behind my ear, babying me with my swollen feet.. .. .. But I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I knew I couldn't allow myelf to take it as anything more than her being nice. I couldn't allow myself to feel what I used to feel. I couldn't allow myself to hurt again.. .. ..

She and the boys came by the house afterwards. She needed to look for a blanket.. .. .. she ended up having lunch there with the boys and hanging out for a bit until I had to hurry and take them back so I could get ready to go to a wedding. It was different having her in the house. Again, almost like a stranger, a visitor. I don't know if it's because I didn't want to feel anything or that I really feel like she IS a stranger, like I don't even know her. Which, really, is how I feel most the time.

We actually got along well most of the weekend. Sunday she brought the boys to the lake where I was at a church lunch and we started to have a good talk. We talked about how she's somewhat hurt by the changes I am making in my life and how she wishes I could have made them when we were together. Of course we did end up arguing at one point. Too many wounds, too much hurt still. The whole anniversary before she broke up with me. She finally admitted the date, and I quickly put it together as the night they spent alone in LA. The weekend she swore to me nothing happened and she'd always love me and never leave us (me and the boys). I have to wonder how a relationship built on lies and hurting others can be a good thing.. .. ..

Anywho, she left with us fighting again, this time about the kids and her insistance that it's fine if her girlfriend is around them. She cornered Jonah and I was furious at her for putting him in that position. He said, "I don't really care, as long as I get to see you." How does she not see that's him putting his feelings aside, taking whatever he has to, just to see her? He was bawling when she left, again walking out of their lifes for goodness knows how long. It breaks my heart to see the boys hurt, but she doesn't seem to see that part. She thinks it's okay to swoop in for two days every two months and everything is okay. NOW she thinks she visited once alone with them, so it's okay to bring the girlfriend next time. Really, if you only see "your kids" every two months don't you think it should be one-on-one time and they shouldn't have to share you?? We'll see what happens.

I do know that my heart still aches sometimes. That I'll always love her. But that she is not the person I fell in love with and not someone I respect. After she was gone for a few, things returned to normal and the boys and I were okay again. THAT felt good. To know that we have eachother and we'll always be okay.. .. ..