Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Eve of New Beginnings.. .. ..

Today is New Years Eve and I've decided it's the Eve of New Beginnings for me. I decided to make a list of ten resolutions/goals for the new year. And I figured if I wrote them out here I would be more accountable to them. I can count on at least Nikki and Cyn to make sure I'm doing them! lol

10. EXERCISE - I love, love, love my body now. I *think* I've bottomed out and won't lose anymore weight. I am a comfortable size 6, sometimes 4 or 8. But I want to tone my arms, legs, and of course belly. So my resolution is to exercise at least 3x's a week. And to start walking again, at least 3x's a week, also. Not only is it good for my body, but it's good for my soul and will make me healthier overall.

9. WORK BETTER - Not necessarily harder, just better. I love my job and don't always give it the attention I should. So I commit to doing better there.

8. BE A BETTER FRIEND - I feel like I have sucked my friends dry this last year. They have been there for me soooo much, it's my time to give back. So I will let the people that are there for me know how much they mean to me and return the favor better.

7. WORK ON ME - I think I have come a long way this last six months, but I have a lot to still learn about myself and work on. I met someone recently and really wanted to see where it would go ... but then I saw the red flags, the possible "save me" syndrome, and immediately stopped it. THAT is progress for me. So I will continue to work in that. I have been getting to know me more... and, hell, I'm not half bad. lol.

6. SKYDIVE - Yep, skydive. I have always wanted to do it and just never have. SO I WILL skydive this year. Maybe more than once.. .. ..

5. YOSEMITE - The boys need to see Yosemite. It's beautiful and they have never been there. I will take them at least once to Yosemite and we'll go back to Sequoia National Park, too. We are too close to so much beauty to not take advantage of it.

4. SPEND TIME WITH THE BOYS - Jonah says I do a good job of it, but I want to do better. I want to have one Saturday a month that's a play-date with the kids. And at least one Friday night a month for movie night. They are the staple of my life and they need to know how important they are to me.

3. SLEEP IN MY BED - Sleeping on the couch doesn't make the bed any less empty. I need to face that fear, face that sadness, and stop hiding from the empty spaces in life.. .. ..

2. HANDLE THE BIZNAZ - Most importantly, this house. I need to get it figured out and I commit to crunching down and getting it done. It needs to be and procrastinating won't change anything.

1. LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I NEVER FEEL ALONE - It can get very lonely sometimes, being alone. I want to love myself so much that I never feel alone. That I can sit in silence and not feel engulfed by it. I want to find new hobbies, indulge myself in things that make me happy, and not want or need anyone to make me happy. Now THAT's happiness, right??

So, there it is. My list of resolutions for the new year, for the new beginning. I know that it won't always be easy. I know that I will still have peaks and valley's, but I am hoping the cliffs will be longer, the valley's will be small craters in the otherwise level land, and that sunnier skies are ahead. I KNOW that my actions, my behavior, my feelings, have a huge influence on that and I am committed to making this year the most beautiful, wonderful year I have had. I have a family of two amazing boys that I adore, an extended family full of love and support, friends who are priceless and mean more than words can say, and most importantly, I have ME. And I have underestimated myself and sold myself short for way too long. Time to live up to my potential. Time to celebrate the possibilities and make the best of the life I have. I turn 30 this year and I'm determined to take this new phase of life by the horns and grow and learn and be a better person this time next year. That's my hope, commitment, and excited anticipation on the eve of new beginnings.. .. ..

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Have Mercy??

Will it ever end? This is yet another post about the ex. I know it's such old b.s. and the same crap over and over so stop reading if you're as tired of it as I am. But I have to get this out. Since, once again, she has contacted me and opened the wound I was so desperately trying to stitch closed.. .. ..

This week has been hard as it is. Coming off of the Christmas holiday has been hard. Though spending the time with my best friend and grandparent helped, it still ached in my soul that my "family" wasn't together anymore. Logan asked about the ex and still says, "She's coming back soon, right?" I don't even know how to answer anymore beyond just saying "no". Then this week is New Years. We had been planning to spend it in Las Vegas, oh so ironic now, since it's something we always wanted to do. And, the worst of it all, Saturday would have been our 9-yr anniversary. SO this week has been ... a challenge ... to state it simply.

I hit a really rough patch Sunday. I was just drowning in the pain. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I need to make her not exist. I had done it once before, I could do it again.

When I was 18 the ex came to me when she and her g/f got into a bad fight. She stayed with me and we had the most amazing week together. All the love we wanted to share together for so long we were allowed to experience. It was the happiest week of my life. Then she went home to get more clothes ... and didn't come back. Hours passed and she finally called and said she couldn't come back. Couldn't leave her (ex's) son.

I was devastated. Seriously crushed. I became very ill and didn't - couldn't - get out of bed for a week. I lost the one thing I wanted, the one thing that made me feel complete and happy. I was destroyed.

Yes, I see how mellow-dramatic that sounds, but it was true. There is some wicked connection for me to her that I cannot explain and I cannot will away. I have tried - Lord help me, I have tried.. .. ..

Anyways, after a few weeks of not talking to her things got better. I was able to pretend she just didn't exist anymore. That she didn't live in the same world as me. I was able to get out and about again, date, FUNCTION. Things were better.

A year and a half later she came back in my life. I remember very clearly the day she called my work. The moment I heard her voice my breath caught, heart skipped a beat, and I was in love all over again. She came to my work to visit that day and we were together from then on. I was hesitant, I knew what would happen if she left again. I trusted her, though. Trusted she'd never hurt me like that again.. .. ..

So here I am. Not nearly as incapacitated as last time, but still struggling nonetheless. So I asked her to please, please not contact me anymore. I have asked her more than once. I was doing okay this week, then she goes and contacts me again today. YES, I KNOW I shouldn't have talked to her, but she is good at guilting me and making me feel like the bad guy when I try not to talk to her. I am too weak, too worried about HURTING HER that I give in. All to set myself up for more hurt.

She wanted to know if Jonah hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her. How am I supposed to know?? Jonah doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to hurt more than I already do, which breaks my heart for him. He shouldn't have to protect me. Anyways, I told her to ask him and said that I do know he is angry and hurt. That I overheard him telling my grandma "I know she was in our lives a long time, but then she just left us. I don't understand how she could do that." He's mad. He's damn mad and hurt and he has every right to feel that way.

She just doesn't get it. She says she does, but she has no idea. She tries to compare her hurt, her 'pain'. It make me infuriated when she says she understands how the boys feel or how I feel. I cannot believe she has the audacity to compare her momentary, here-and-there, self-serving sadness to what the boys and I feel. She feels sorry for herself, NOT the boys. It's all about her not getting the attention from them, life not revolving around her. I told her to go back to her perfect, wonderful life and not worry about them. She has said she has everything she wants and so WHY does she worry about or bother herself with thoughts about the boys? No point. Like Jonah said, she walked out.. .. ..

She tells me that she understands how I feel. YES, I cheated on her during our relationship. I will admit my faults. But I NEVER walked out on our relationship. I was remorseful and did everything I could to make our relationship work. She says she knows my pain, NO I never walked out on our relationship, on our children. She has never rolled over in the middle night, reaching for the other half of her whole to find empty space. She hasn't consoled her upset children when they miss their parent who abandoned them. Yes, I am furious as I type this. So I know it's choppy, but DAMN IT I am so angry. I am so tired of her living her perfect life there, yet keeping one hand here, always keeping us at arms length. She said, AGAIN TODAY, that she wishes we could be friends. That tells me that she really has NO IDEA the damage she caused, the pain she inflicted and continues to.. .. ..

Anyways, I just need her to not exist. This was the point of the post. She needs to just not exist in my world anymore. Hearing her voice makes my heart skip still, makes all the love rush back. After all of this, it still does. Which very well tells me that's the way it'll always be. If I can't hate her now I will never be able to. Which tells me she was my soul mate, no matter how little I obviously meant to her. Which tells me I need her to GO AWAY. I need her to not exist in my world in order for me to heal and function in it. I know that sounds so weak. So stupid in so many ways. But it's the only thing that has worked and the only thing I know to do anymore.

So my only hope is that she will have mercy and leave me alone. I wish I could hate her, I really do, but I obviously can't. So she needs to just not BE in my world. As sad as that makes me, it's what has to happen for this to go away and for me to heal.. If she ever cared anything for me than I can hope she'll have mercy now. .. ..

Monday, December 29, 2008

Back from Vacation!!

Ahhh, it was so nice to go on vacation. To visit with family and friends. It's just always too short. LOL.

We spent the first part of our trip in OHIO with Nikki. We had such a good time. The boys and her daughter got along really well. She is right between the two boys in age, so she got along with both of them. She is a riot, I absolutely adore her. D (hubby) talked a lot more to me, which it was nice to get to know him. Nikki and I shopped, which is one of the best friend things we miss getting to do together. And we went out on Friday night and had a blast. I LOVE the place we went. It's a little pizza place with the cutest resident dog, Gypsy, who eats your pizza. LOVED IT. LOL. Good drinks, terrible carpet, good music (O*H*I*O, haha), and good food. Just sucked being the second tallest guy in Ohio. ROFL (That's for Nikki...) We did get a little snow on Saturday night. Just enough to coat the ground. It was awesome to watch the snow come down. It was COLD COLD COLD there. Nikki says you get used to it, I beg to differ. LOL. But it was wonderful and cozy in Ohio and so pretty. (but so cold when we left, lol.. 4 degrees, yes FOUR.. .. .. )

Then we were off to Georgia. (And mid-60's ... wth?? at Christmas??) Logan jumped into Granny's arms as soon as he saw her. It was so wonderful to see my grandparents and finally see where they live. On Monday when we got there we went to my aunts and my grandparents were blessed with five grandkids and 11 great-grandkids all together!! It was a zoo. LOL. But it was very nice. My grandparents home is beautiful. They live on five acres of land and it's quiet and beautiful there. The weather was so great that I was able to take a good book on the back porch and read for a good part of one of the days. I also got to see two of my great aunts, which was very nice. Spending Christmas with my grandparents was so nice; it had been four years since the last time we had that opportunity. I also got to see my uncle and aunt and cousin who I haven't seen in four years. S, my cousin, is growing up too fast. It scares me; I remember being a 14y old girl!! LOL. Everyone has changed so much, yet stayed the same.. .. ..

I also got to visit with Jonah's dad. It was so odd, it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. It didn't seem that 11 years had passed since we had seen each other. Visiting with him was very nice. I met his wife, too, and she and I (I thought) got along really well. She is very sweet, and I feel so fortunate that Jonah has such a good step-mom.

Especially since he HAS decided to move to live with his dad. I am sad about it, but I support Jo in his choice. He will leave toward the end of summer and spend at least the next school year there. So only seven months or so.. .. ..

(here comes the rest of the sadness, look away if you want)

Then Christmas just made me sad overall. I missed having my "family". It hurt. And this week is hard - This Saturday would have been my anniversary.. .. ..

Then we get home and I find out another couple we are close to is seperating. A couple my boys are close to.

I am just sad. So much has changed this last year and it seems like it'll never end. And I am mostly sad for my boys. Really, how much more should they have to endure?? I worry a lot for Logan. He'll lose a parent, a very close person, and a brother all in a years time. How's he going to handle all that??

UGH, I didn't want this post to turn south. But I just have to so much that's so heavy on my heart right now. Thank goodness I am home and can blog away. Be ready to be inundated with my random thoughts. They are too foggy, heavy, and hard to not get out now.. .. ..

2009 BETTER be BETTER!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sometimes People Touch Our Lives.. .. ..

Sometimes we meet people and they leave permanent marks on our hearts. You may only know them for a moment or maybe for years, but their impact will be felt forever. When you meet someone you don't know how long they'll be in your life, but you learn in time to appreciate each moment you're given.

I bring this up because my best friend from work came up to me today and told me that no matter where our lives take us I'll always be special to him, always hold a special place in his heart. We have been so close over the last four years. Him being there for me and me for him through relationship issues. We laugh together. Cried. Just been good friends. And he's right. No matter what, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I just met someone who makes me smile. Who makes me think there is life after this breakup. And forever I'll be greatful for that. For that renewed hope, that renewed alive feeling.

There are so many people who I can say have made a difference, who have touched my soul in some way and I will never be the same. How lucky we are to have those opportunities. I am glad I was reminded today of how special, how real, our connections can be in our life and how blessed we are.. .. ..

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Baby Fix and Best of Friends.. .. ..

First, Friday I got my baby fix!! My friend from work had her baby 5 days after Baby K was born. We had a retirement lunch for the boss Friday and she brought her little girl, Brooklyn. She is ADOREABLE!! I immediately stole her, of course. It was so sweet, cuddling and snuggling her. I took her for a good thirty minutes. Her little baby sounds and scrunchy face. It was so sweet. Until she cried.. .. .. then I had to give her back. It was a quick reminder that I had just had a baby too!! ROFL. So I got my baby fix for awhile. Plus I got an open invitation to come by anytime.. .. .. YEA!!

Today was a great day, too! Some of my surrogate friends and their kids came over to hang out and enjoy each others company. I am so fortunate to have such great surrogate friends. Sarah, Jessaca, and Erica were here. We had the easiest, best conversation. They all have hearts of gold and I have to say Erica CRACKS ME UP. She is so candid and funny. (hope you don't mind me talking about you Erica. hehe) The kids all got along so well and played great together. It was so funny - we had chocolate fondue and, of course, had marshmallows. I looked over and the kids had become creative.. .. ..
Yes, that's the gas fireplace and that's the kids pretending to roast marshmallows at the fire. It was hilarious!! The kids thought it was fun
and had a good time pretending it was actually working. They would "roast" their marshmallows then dip them in chocolate and smack 'em down.
The boys were bummed when everyone left. They really enjoyed the company so I guess we'll have to have another get-together soon. DARN. LOL. The kids, obviously, are going to be as social as their mom!
Actually, I really hope they do grow up remaining as social and outgoing as they are. I love that they can interact with other people so openly and aren't afraid to make new friends. It's a good quality to have, and I'm happy the kids aren't shy or reserved. I truly hope they hold on to that.
Anyways, wondering thoughts there.. .. .. Here's to good friends!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why do I do this to myself??!!

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Feeling great!! .. .. ..

I can honestly say I am feeling great. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. .. .. I feel great.


Physically I am healing amazingly. It's only been two weeks since baby K was born, but I am back to normal and better. I had very little physical healing to do, as my labor was so quick. Weightwise, I have lost 38 pounds!!! I am a size 8, smaller than I have been in YEARS. Here's two pics, yes I'm bragging! LOL


Mentally and emotionally I am feeling so much better. I took a few days to sulk, stay in my pj's all day, and just FEEL it. Then I faced it; I took the emotions head on and faced it. I pulled myself together and said ENOUGH. And I feel better than I have in MONTHS. hehe, It feels amazing to be at this place. It feels good to laugh again, to smile, to enjoy life.

Here's to new beginnings and a new attitude!!

I *heart* San Francisco!



Yesterday was my annual bus trip to San Francisco. I have gone a few years now with one of my closest friends, Mary. Four of us hang out together - Mary, Trisha, Yo, and me. Allison was supposed to come, too, but couldn't at the last minute.
This bus trip is a blast!! There is so much laughing, joking, and friendship!! We do a little shopping and a lot of talking and hanging out. I had so much fun. I really felt.... free. I laughed so much and so hard my abs still hurt. We ate so much and had a few drinks. We shopped and had the most hillarious cab ride. It was so nice to get out of town, to relax, and to enjoy life and friendship!! Here are a few pics of my friends and I .. .. .. we really had a a fantastic time!! LOL














Friday, December 5, 2008

Trust.. .. ..

Sometimes I forget that trust should be earned. I forget that, though I'd like to think differently, people are not by nature good. I don't mean that people are bad at the root, but that overall the society we live in is quite selfish. People look out for themselves, their own wants and needs, and what benefits them the most. Not that they are necessarily bad people, but they don't neccessarily deserve faith and trust without earning it.

I often give 100% trust until given reason to not. At least twice now this year that has been manipulated and violated. The first time was devestating and changed my entire life. I made a friend that I believed in, trusted, and shared way too much with. Those things were used against me and destroyed my family. For self-gain by the other party. Which, it seems, is the true human nature. Recently it seems another person I know has broken the trust that friendships were built on. This time the motivation still eludes me, but it's never for the betterment of others.

I don't understand how people do not comprehend that their choices effect way beyond themselves. That they don't understand the pain, devestation, and heartache they can cause others. There is no concience, no consequence, no remorse. How hard does a heart have to be to be able to do that??

Hmmm, reading that I almost have to laugh at myself. Just a few years ago others could say those things about me. I was selfish. I didn't think about the consequences for others of my actions. I was the one to not trust.. .. .. I hate admitting that, I hate knowing I was that person, but I made poor decisions that hurt others, that broke trust, that broke hearts.. .. ..

Does it come with age and maturity that we learn the consequences and become accountable to ourselves and our actions? Or do we have to feel the true sting and burn of betrayal to open our eyes and hearts and make the conviction to never do that to someone else?

I don't know when or why we get the "ah ha" moment and find our accountability. But I really wish that in doing so we would also gain the discernment to see in others their true heart and motivations. I have to wonder what the greater plan is. What lessons are meant to be learned.

I guess I will just continue to roll with the punches. Continue to try and discern good from bad. I don't want to be jaded, I don't want to be distrusting. I guess I just need to be more guarded, more protective, and less open and welcoming. I hate that, as I am an open person. I am trusting, I am welcoming.

It's so difficult to find the fine balance; so frustrating we have to.. .. ..

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Take me as I am or don't take me at all.. .. ..

A friend of mine and I were talking tonight. She was laughing at my brutal honestly lately. My unfiltered thoughts here and elsewhere. My new attitude.

I guess I hadn't realized that this new attitude was really emerging until she brought it to my attention. My first reaction was to appologize. I have done that for years. I have been who I was 'supposed' to be, whoever kept those around me happy, and lost track of myself.

I didn't appologize, but said just what I said above, "Well, take me as I am or don't take me at all." Yep, that's my new driving force. I am going to be loyal to ME. I am going to say what I think, do what I want, and be who I am. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will appreciate the change. BUT I will be loyal to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and who I am.

Writing that, I feel a little selfish. Then I remember that in order for us to be healthy people we NEED to stay true to ourselves. We need to figure out who we are and stay loyal to that. Either others can appreciate us for who we are and compliment our lives or not.

To be a whole person you have to know who you are, be confident in that person, and move forward with conviction. Stand by who you are. Stand by what you believe, think, and the dreams you follow.

I think others hold you in higher regards when you are a strong, confident person. When you can say with conviction and might "This is me". Consistency and sincerity go a long way.

So, this is my new motto. This is my new drive. I am going to figure myself out. I am going to discern what is "me" and what others want me to be and remain loyal to ME. Some people will appreciate it, some will loathe it.

I, for one, will appreciate it. Just the small changes I have made, the small steps I have taken, excite me and I know I am doing the right thing for me. And it feels so good to feel on the right path.

Things ARE going to be better, things ARE okay, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.. .. ..

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dating.

Just typing the word makes my heart race and palms sweat. Seriously, dating?? Me?? I dunno about all that.

Quite a few friends have mentioned that I should get my feet wet back in the dating world. Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start. I have no idea how to meet people. How to get a date or ask for one.

I have spent my entire adult life in a relationship. My ex and I got together when I was 20. So, seriously, my entire adult life I have been in a relationship. I have no idea how to date. How to meet people.

See, I'm going full circle with my thoughts. It makes me dizzy.

Seriously?? DATING??

What the heck??

I don't mind being attacked and confronted if I know WHY I am being attacked and confronted, know what I mean?? But an out-of-the-blue jumping is never fun. I had hoped that the ex and I had found a level of peace. The last contact we had was a "thanks for letting me see the kids"/"your welcome" messaging the other day. Nice enough on both ends, right? Then today I get bombarded with threats, hateful words, and mean spewings of hate .. .. .. what did I do??!! Seriously, I wish she would tell me something beyond "I hate you / I am done with you".

I guess it really doesn't matter what I did, perceived or real. I have always known that in her mind everything is my fault and I'm going to take the blame. She says that the boys can contact her, but she won't contact them and wants no contact with me. Honestly, it's better for us to not have contact, but it makes me sad she's writing off the boys. Honestly, I think it's too hard on her and -again - she's running away.

I told her I hope she finds peace, and I really hope she does. It seems her heart is still in turmoil and that she hasn't found what she claims she's looking for. I will always love and care about her and therefore hope that she can come to terms with what torments her and can live a healthy, happy life.

I miss her. I miss her friendship. But I won't miss these random attacks and I won't miss the blame game. I just wish it could be different. I wish that there wasn't so much anger and hate. I wish that 16 years of friendship wasn't being tossed aside.

But, wishes seldom come true, and it's time to let it go and move ahead.. .. ..

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Friendship.. .. ..

There is something special about a good friend. I am very fortunate to say that I have a handful of really good friends. People that I know are there for me. Even if we don't talk all the time, even if we aren't super close, they are there for me and me for them. I am so fortunate for that.

Not only do I have those friends, but I have the gift of a very, very special BEST FRIEND. People say they have best friends all the time, but I don't think very many people get to experience the gift of a very best friend in the purest of forms.

I have a best friend. A friend that would do anything for me. A friend that loves me unconditionally. Not only has she said it, she has shown it over and over.

Nikki flew across the country to hold my hand at a time she knew I would need her the most. She knew not only would I need her as my birthing coach but as my emotional support. She knew the overwhelming emotions I would feel and knew I would need support. So she spent the weekend in and out of the hospital with me, at my house watching my kids. It was her birthday weekend and instead of spending it with her family she spent it with me at the hospital, then at home with me and my boys. Who does that?? LOL. She held my hand in labor and has permanent scars from my nails. She held me and cried with me. She took care of my kids. I cannot express my gratitude in full in words.. .. ..

Beyond that she has listened to me for the last six months crying over the same subject over and over. I know that it gets old. I know that it gets annoying. Yet she continues to listen and support me. She continues to let me cry and relive the same pain over and over. She loves me and supports me unconditionally.

Never in the world could we hope for friendship so pure, so open, without conditions or stipulations. I don't know how I got so lucky to find such a great friend. Over 2,000 miles away, a chance meeting, and a lifetime of secrets, friendship, support, and love. How lucky am I? I hope that I am HALF the friend to her that she is to me. And I hope for everyone a friend so wonderful.. .. ..

Loss.. .. ..

These last two weeks have made me face everything I was trying to hide from for the past few months. These last two weeks, though, were horribly painful. It started to hit me during labor. I was sitting there, rocking in the chair, praying for pain relief, and it hit me. She wasn't here with me. We started this journey together, she promised she would never leave or abandon me, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there!!! I lost it. I started bawling. I felt horrible. My IP's were sitting across the room from me. Mom - my ex's mom - was sitting across the room from me. And I was just bawling. Nikki was sitting next to me and she wrapped her arm around me and cried with me. She knew.. .. .. with no words, she knew. I sucked it up as quick as I could. I had to get mad. I had to get darn mad over and over while in labor. I hated her at that moment. I hated all the lies, all the broken promises. I hated feeling abandoned, and I hated missing her and wishing she was there.

After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.

I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..

Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.

And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.

And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.

This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..

Thanksgiving.. .. ..

Thanksgiving was a good day. Overall-ish. LOL. The boys and I spent the day with my (ex) BIL and MIL. It's weird to call them 'ex' family when it never feels that way. Same as on Thanksgiving. My BIL was picking on me more again. He said "glad you're not pregnant anymore, I can pick on you again" lol. We had a ton of great food. Mom is a great cook and there is ALWAYS more than enough. BIL makes a killer ham. Yummy, yummy, yummy. LOL

Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.

So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!

On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..

But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.

The birth of baby girl K!!

Thursday, November 20th, my sweet surrogate baby arrived in the world. Here's a shortened version of what happened. Yes, this is shortened. LOL.. .. ..

I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.

So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).

Anywho, we held tight over night.

FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.

Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.

At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..

So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.

So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..

Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.

The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..

I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.

M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..

I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKK.. .. ..

Miss me?? Ya, didn't figure that you'd realize I was gone. Haha. I have so much to update. So there will be a few posts tonight. I couldn't put it all in one long post, no way!! So here's the first of a few to bring things current. LOL.

Here's what's ahead.. .. ..

Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship

So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Time to Play Catch-Up.. .. ..

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. Guess it's proof positive of how crazy things have been lately.. .. ..

The most pressing issue right now is the impending birth of this little sweetie. She has preoccupied a lot of my time and energy lately, not only with the birth only FIVE days away, but with the fact she was BREECH until just a few days ago. I began going to acupuncture, chiropractic care, and massage therapy to try and turn her. I was doing home remedies as well - frozen veggies on her head, elevating the hips, shining a light at the pelvis.. .. .. you name it, I tried it.

Finally on Friday, at 38w3d, we saw that she flipped head down again. My OB was shocked. He did not think that this late in the game we could get her to go back down, but sure enough we did it! My honest gut thought is the Moxi treatments - acupuncture - did the trick. She would definitely show a strong reaction afterwards. Honestly, though, I am just so happy she turned and I can have the birth experience I have envisioned throughout this pregnancy. VBAC here we come!!!

Nikki - my BFF from Ohio - will be flying in Thursday morning, the same day we are inducing. Erica, another great friend, will be picking her up and bringing her down to the hospital. Hopefully around the time they are getting there things should be starting/picking up. I am so happy I'll have Nikki there to help me through the delivery and the weekend after her birth. It's so amazing to have such a great friend.. .. .. And it's so amazing to have such a great support of friends, like Erica, willing to help make this day so amazing.

M & J are so excited they can't hardly stand it. Hearing their enthusiasm over the phone is just intoxicating. They are so ready to meet their daughter and their love and excitement about her is so heartwarming. I seriously CANNOT wait to see them meet their daughter. THIS is what surrogacy is all about!!!!

As for the rest of life, it's been .. .. .. going. The ex and I ~ well, her girlfriend thought it would be "cute" to post pics of them on a board we both belong to. My ex didn't understand why it bothered me. She said, "I thought you were doing better." YES, I am doing much better, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt, and throwing salt in the wound is just uneccesary. She said some ugly things to me, many of which I truly believe she means. We haven't really talked since. I filed the paperwork and she's been served so our dissolution of our partnership and issues regarding custody, the house, and other assets should be resolved soon. It breaks my heart to think we'll just fade out of each others lives. But that is how it seems to be headed and it's very disheartening and sad. Not only for the loss of the relationship of 8.5 years, but the loss of a friendship of over 16 years. Moreover, the loss of what I thought would be my forever with my soulmate. It's just so hard to process sometimes.. . .. I still don't understand, probably never will, but am working toward closure there.

On a better note, work is going very well. Things are always busy and always plenty to do. I am bouncing around, trying to get everything done before I go on leave. Only 2.5 days of work before I am off!! YIKES. I received my review last week and was promoted again. I am at the top of the scale for where I can go, so it's quite an accomplishment (in only four years I jumped four classifications and 20 steps!!). I got a small raise, and we have contracted raises in January. Every little bit definitely helps when you're a single mom!!

Through the last few weeks, too, I have come to rely on myself and have strength and confidence in ME again. The main thing I have done is make this 'house' a 'home'. I figure I'm still paying on it and probably will be for awhile (until I can get it sold) so I might as well make it home. "WE" had plans, ways to decorate, etc. and I decided I can STILL do that on my own. So I bought stuff for the front 'living room' (formal dining turned kids playroom) to make it more.... personal. I have hung up pictures and the whole aura is changing. I got some stuff for the back tandem room, too, to make it my frog room as I'd planned. Today I cleaned out that room completely. It was full of boxes that were just dropped in there when we moved in and I was finally done living in suspension. I cleaned it all and have it all ready to make into what my vision was for it.

I cannot really explain how GOOD it felt to move forward on my own. To KNOW that I CAN and WILL be just fine and that my life doesn't have to be less than I wanted because I am single. Sure, I would love to have my "family" back and would love to be a team again, but I am pretty dang strong and good on my own. And it feels amazing to realize that and LIVE IT.. .. .. I guess you never know your inner strength until it's truly tested. I guess I never knew how strong I am.. .. ..

Anywho, I think I rambled on and on a bit there. IF you read all the way through, you are good!! LOL. Thanks for the followers, thanks for the support, and thanks for "listening"!!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Weekend Recap.. .. ..

Friday - Halloween.. .. .. the boys had a great Halloween, which started early for them. Earlier in the week they got a package from Aunt Nikki. Yummmy candy!! They still haven't opened them yet, but they are excited. One is a gummy frog to dissect and the other is a gummy pizza to put the toppings on. LOL. They are looking forward to it. THEN they got a box in the mail with two bags full of candy from my friend Rebekkah. THEN they got a pail of goodies from the Popcorn Factory from my friend SKD. Spoiled much?? LOL. My nieces came over that night and we took all the kids out trick or treating. They got a good amount of candy and I got a good workout. LOL. Here are my little cuties, the grim reaper and Dale Earnhardt Jr... .. ..
Saturday & Sunday, Fun with Barb and kiddos!! On Saturday we headed down to Fresno to hang out with Barb and the kids, M & Z. Barb is Jenn's (the baby momma) sister-in-law and is about the sweetest woman ever. She and Matt, J's brother, live in Fresno - only about an hour south of us. We have gone over a few times to hang out with them. It is always so much fun, and this time was no disappointment!!

On Saturday we took the boys (minus the baby) to the zoo. It was drizzling off and on, which really wasn't bad. The weather was actually quite nice, but the thought of bad weather deterred others, so the park was so slow and almost all to us!! The kids had such a great time. Lo and M became best buddies and Lo calls M "bubby". He was walking around with his arm around him most of the day! LOL. After the zoo we went back to the house and all the boys played. Barb made dinner - fantastic dinner, btw! We had yummmy chicken and white rice AND pasta and sauce that was amazing!!! The boys watched Hulk after dinner and Barb and I got to chat. It was so nice getting to know her better and just feeling like we were forming a great friendship!!

Sunday we attempted to go get pedicures. Well, nothing opened until 11:00!!! WHAT?? LOL. It was okay, though. We just went back to the house and got the kids so we could spend time with them. We went to Woodward Park to the Japanese Garden, which was AMAZING. The architect did a wonderful job; it was so serene and beautiful. We fed the fish and left some for the ducks if they were to come later. Then we took off for lunch. We took all the kids to John's Incredible Pizza. Oh my, they had a blast. We filled their tummies first then let them play arcade games for awhile. They had such a gooood time. When we got back to the house it was almost 2:30 and time to head home. We had such a good time, though, and promised each other to get together again soon!! Definitely a promise to keep!!

Oh, and best news, MATT DOES EXIST!! LOL. Poor Matt is a pediatric ICU doctor, so he works all hours. The last few times we've been there he's slept through the visit. This time we got to see him for almost 30 minutes total!! Whoohoo!! hehe. He, too, is sweet as they come.

Honestly, the whole family is amazing and has become an extension into our family. I feel so blessed to have the love and support of such amazing people. Jenn's parents, Mike's parents, all the siblings.. .. .. everyone is amazing and not only am we so blessed to have them in our lives but I feel so incredibly blessed to help bring this little girl into a family that is so full of love, respect, and open-heartedness. What a truly lucky child!!!

Only 17 days until they get to meet her, and her meet them! YEA!!!!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Kid Funnies, Take Two

Okay, so Jonah cracked me up the other night. We have always been open with him about alcohol. He did take a sip of beer once to taste it and HATED it. I think being open with your kids about drugs, alcohol, etc, is important and keeps them from wanting to play with the "unknown".

Anywho, every once in a while I'll tell Jonah "I had a long day, have a drink for me... take one for the team." He laughs and says, "MOM, kids do not drink!!" I always say, "Just testing to make sure you still feel that way."

SOOO the other night we were coming back from Modesto. I turned to go toward the house and Jonah asked why I turned. I laughed and told him that I was driving home. He says... "Oh, duh, I must be drunk." We both laughed and I said, "Jo you TOLD me you don't drink!!" He said, "Well, you told me to take one for the team!!" LOL I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. He just giggled and said, "That was a good one, huh?" Yea, buddy, it was.. .. ..

Logan spits out funny stuff all the time, though I can't think of one thing right now. LOL. OH he has discovered a new word.. .. .. 'finally'. So now it's 'finally' everything.. .. .. "Mom WE ARE HOME FINALLY"... "Can we eat finally?" ... everything is finally now.. .. ..

OH there was one thing. The other night I got a little upset and was crying. Logan came up to me, grabbed my face, and said - oh so seriously - "Mommy don't cry. Let's talk about it". All I could do is laugh at that point.. .. ..

God love the children and all their character!!

36w Update

Well, first, here's a pic.. .. ..


Here's the run down:

GOOD NEWS: Gained 1 pound in two weeks.. BP 110/70.. Urine was beautimus.. Strep B culture taken and sent off..

EH NEWS: Cervix is CLOSED but "very very soft"..

BAD NEWS: Complete Breech. Complete. Head in my ribs, butt on my cervix with her little legs tucked.

We still have 3 weeks so MAYBE she'll turn. I have read umpteen websites on how to turn her and I'll try (almost) anything. My doctor said NO VERSION, as with a previous scar on the uterus it could be risky. Everything else is worth a try, though. Otherwise C-Section is scheduled for November 20th at 12:30 p.m.

I am hoping and praying she turns. I really don't want another c-section. I know in the end all that matters is her getting here, but I have a vision darn it! I know how I want it to go, how I want this delivery to be. How I want them to meet their daughter.

UGH, any prayers for a turning baby are MUCH appreciated!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Exhausted!

Yep, it's the last few weeks of pregnancy. I am tired all the time now. I have period of contractions every day now. Normally around 10 a.m. and 5 p.m. I'll have an hour or two of consistent contractions. Nothing too strong, nothing too long, but just slight discomfort. I know my body is preparing for her arrival, so it doesn't bother me too much. Sleep is becoming more elusive as I have more and more trouble getting comfortable. This little girl is big in my belly and growing quickly now. I can tell she keeps getting stronger and that is reassuring and makes me happy. Next Wednesday is my first internal check; we'll be 36 weeks then. I cannot believe we're less than a month from delivery already.

Just wanted to post a quick update. I'm going to go pop a few tums and lay down now!! LOL

I've created a monster.. .. ..

I have been bad about allowing Logan to come lay in bed with me early in the morning. I haven't been kicking him out like I should. So this morning he tells me.. .. ..

"Mommy I don't want a bed anymore. Let's make it go away and I'll just sleep with you."

Oh DOH time to start sending him back to his bed.. .. ..

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

29 DAYS TO GO!!!

Holy wow. Holy holy wow. 29 days from today is our scheduled induction date to meet this little girl. Less than 30 days. How in the world did we get here??!! I am a ball of excitement and nerves all the sudden. I want to know how big she is, what she's going to look like, what her name will be (hehe, love you J&M!!) .. .. .. I cannot wait to meet her!! I CANNOT believe we are so close to her parents holding her and snuggling her and big sis S meeting her! Holy wow, the excitement and anticipation have definitely set in. We are definitely on the home stretch and each day is filled with more and more anticipation and excitement!! YEA FOR BABY!!!!!!!

This Past Weekend.. .. ..

Wowza, what a weekend. LOL. On Saturday the boys and I had a good time just relaxing around the house most of the day. I was trying to conserve energy for the night we had planned. We were going to ZooBoo at the Fresno Zoo that night!! They decorated the entire zoo and had a bunch of booths with candy for trick-or-treating. The boys had such a good time! They were pooped within an hour and a half or so and so we headed home early. The boys were asking by the time we left if we could PLEASE come back soon to see the animals (with it being night it was kinda hard to see them, lol). So we'll plan a zoo trip soon!!

Sunday we decided to go to Stockton to see my friend Cyn (hi Cyn!!) at her daughters softball tournament. The boys had so much fun. Logan sat around playing in the dirt with his cars most of the day. He had a nice film of dirt on him by the time we left and a super big grin to go with it!! Sooo cute. Jonah played with Cyn's son most of the time, playing football out behind the fields. It was great being outside with the boys, letting them run around and play. I had a great visit with Cyn and I love softball so it was so much fun watching the girls (who won Championships by the way! Whoohoo). It was a great Sunday afternoon!!

BUT.. .. .. then it turned on me. LOL. I can look back and laugh now, but not at the time. We went out to the car and it had been broken into. Mind you this is the second time in less than a year, probably the 7th or so time in the 10-years I've had the car. The stereo was gone and everything was ransacked. I couldn't tell that much else was gone until later that night when I realized Logan's Nintendo DS was in the backseat and that somehow they had broken the latch to the trunk and stolen - of all things - the boys costumes and candy from the night before. That broke my heart. I guess I felt like stealing the stereo was violating ME. Stealing the costumes was attacking my kids and - IMHO - takes a specail breed of low-life. Anywho, on Monday I went and got an estimate and will get the car fixed. AGAIN. It's become more of a headache than it's worth, but I'm finding it difficult to get a loan for a new(er) vehicle with the debts still on my credit from my past relationship. Until those are resolved I'm stuck with my car and the paranoia of another break in.. .. .. ugggggg.. .. ..

Really, though, it was a great weekend.. .. .. LOL.

Friday, October 17, 2008

My Son, The Player.. .. ..

Ugh, Lord help me now. My son has not one, not two, but THREE girlfriends. One is younger, one is a few months older, the other is much older. He says he likes them all equally for different reasons and that they ARE his girlfriends. He gets all goo-goo eyed and blushes and acts shy when he talks about them. Oh but you can see that affection there.. .. ..

Thank goodness he's only four!! ROFL

Yes, LOGAN has three girlfriends.

His first girlfriend is S, the big sister to the baby-on-the-way. They hit it off immediately when they first met. S is quite shy, but she took to Logan. This past weekend they were two peas in a pod. They get along SOOOO amazingly well. One morning they were building a train track and setting up all the little figures. They had made up a song and were singing together - "Teamwork, teamwork, it takes teamwork". It was so cute. They let each other take turns and treat each other so well. So, by the time we left Logan had decided that S was his girlfriend.. .. ..

Girlfriend #2 is a long-running girlfriend. Her name is Tatum and her grandma is one of my BEST friends, Mary. Tatum is a year younger than Logan, but they get along so well (she is so grown up and mature!!). They spent the summer playing in the pool, hanging out, and sharing toys. He asks often if he can go to Mary's and "see my girlfriend Tatum". Cutest story.. .. .. Tuesday night he was at Mary's and Tatum came over. Logan was telling them about his girlfriends and Tatum said, with quite the attitude I hear, "WHO is S.....??!!" ROFL. Yes, little Tatum was JEALOUS!! Logan better watch out.. .. .. nothing worse than a jealous woman!!

The third girlfriend is a little too old for him. But I must say I think this is his true love. He is completely smitten with her. He gets the most blushed and shy when he talks to her or sees her. He is completely twitterpated. She returns his love and affection unconditionally and they are very close. But if Tatum knew Grandma was girlfriend #3 she might flip!! LOL, yep, Mary is his third girlfriend. Aw, geez, it's so cute to see them together. He really adores her to pieces. Heck, he asks to spend the night at her house allll the time. Last night when we left ball he said to me, "Mommy, you go live with Ron and Mary can come live with me and she can be my Mommy." I told him that she couldn't be his girlfriend anymore then and he said, "Uh huh, she's BOTH". Such a stinker, but such a cutie. And, obviously, he knows it!! LOL

I am just glad that my four year old and not my eleven year old has three girlfriends. I hope and pray Jonah continues to think girls are cute, but not THAT cute for awhile! LOL. Because LORD HELP ME when Logan becomes a teen!!! .. .. ..

A Pat on the Back and a THANK YOU!!

So I am kinda proud of myself today and finally BELIEVE I am making progress.. .. ..

Ever want to do something just to do it, knowing you probably shouldn't and will regret it, but still want to anyways??!! Yea, vague, I know, but the situation really isn't the point here.

Anywho. I was in one of those moments today. I could have done the knee-jerk reaction and just did it. But I stopped and thought about it. I petitioned the advice of friends (amazingly wonderful friends, btw) and I searched my head and heart first. I realized in doing so that going the quick and easy knee-jerk route could potentially hurt me a lot. I realized that nothing really would be accomplished by it. I also realized that I am the bigger person and have the power to walk away from it and be all the better for it.

SO I chose the last option. And - hot damn - it feels great. To know I have control over my emotions. Not just to talk the talk and say no one controls your reactions, moods, happiness, etc, but to really BELIEVE it and LIVE it!! Dang, it is an amazing feeling!!

SO what could have been a bad situation.. .. .. what could have caused me trouble.. .. .. what could have changed my outlook today DIDN'T because I HAVE CONTROL!!

Seriously, the high road IS the good road and feeling good because it's from the inside out is amazing!!

I had a friend today tell me that reading my blog made her realize only she can control if she has a good day or not. I hope soon she - and all my friends reading - get to experience it first hand !!!!

It really is simply amazing!! .. .. ..

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

34w.. .. .. 5w1d until *D* Day!!

Well, yesterday marked 34w completed in this pregnancy. I still cannot believe we are so close to the end! My doctors appointment went GREAT. Everything looked super, and baby girl is head down and engaged. VERY unlikely she'll move at this point, so we are on track for the VBAC!!

My doctor FINALLY agreed to an induction date. Thursday, November 20th, is the day she's scheduled to enter this world. Only 5w to go now!! It's amazing to me that we'll be meeting her so soon. When I called Jenn to tell her you could hear her awe, wonder, and excitement bubbling through the phone. It makes it so real to have a "real" date to look forward to. To know on that date their daughter will be making her way into the world. Heck, even thinking about it makes me teary all over again!!

It's been quite a journey. I feel a little robbed - with everything else that went on the last few months I don't feel like I got to enjoy everything as much as I'd have liked. Knowing, though, that this journey will not end at birth is a comfort.

I know we are all so excited to meet her and see what she looks like. AND GET A NAME!! (hehe, just picking on you Jenn). Wow, only 5 weeks to go.. .. ..

Here's a little pic update too. Excuse the puffy face.. .. .. allergies are not being kind!!


Next update will be after the 36w appointment!! Whooohooo!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Another chapter written.. .. ..

So, this I guess is the follow up to the very obscure post a few days ago, House of Cards. I had been doing REALLLLLY well with not thinking about the past and moving forward. S - the ex - had called and talked to the boys the Tuesday before and afterwards messaged me thank you. I was laying down, not feeling well, and really saw no reason to respond. Well, Thursday she messaged to find out WHY I didn't respond. I kept the correspondence short and sweet and ended it quickly. I didn't want to get wrapped up again. But, lo-and-behold, my mind starts to spin. Wow, was she really thinking about it that much? Did she miss me?? Why would she still think about it two days later?? And, there I sat, bawling my eyes out because again I let my heart go there, knowing full and well in my head that she was concerned for HER feelings, not mine, and that she in no way cares like I wish she did, but in my heart wanting to feel like she cared, like she missed me. I wrote her a long letter that night, finally saying what I had hoped to avoid.

I had to lay it out that though having a friendship with me makes HER feel better, it hurts me. It makes her feel good that she has "the love of her life, TRUE happiness" and she can keep me as a friend. It makes her have no accountability, because if everyone is happy with her then what she did can't be wrong, right?? But for me, I love her. I will ALWAYS love her. How quickly and easily she replaced the love she "said" she had for me shows me how superficial it must have been with for her. After four months I still feel that love and that conviction that she is my lifetime soulmate. No matter how much I fight that, no matter how much I try and disclude that. So I know that's real FOR ME. I just have to figure out how to bottle that away and allow myself to love someone else, though I am unsure I will ever love anyone as I did her. See, for her though, she's already sharing that - and from what impression she gives me - more, with her new wifey. So she has no idea what she meant to me and the hurt and sadness I carry. Anywho, for me, it is one or the other.. .. .. a relationship or friendship. There is no middle ground possible, not with the magnitude of feelings I have had for her.

Anywho, I didn't send the letter. Just writing it made me feel a release of weight off my heart. Yesterday she messaged me again, asking how the baby shower went. Well, I didn't get the message for awhile anyways (I was in meetings). When I did the first thought was "If you cared you wouldn't have left and you would have finished this journey with me" .. .. .. second thought was "None of your damn business". At that point I knew it was best to just not respond.

At 5:45 this morning she messages me something about not responding to her and it would be decent to at least tell her that I didn't want to talk to her. I took it as an opening to tell her how I felt. I told her for the most part what is above. Not surprisingly she put me down and got mad. Of course, because it's all about her and what makes her feel good. No regard for how others feel. I guess in a way that makes me feel a little better. It reitterates to me that I need to protect myself and need to continue to try and build myself up and move on. She has no feelings or regards for the damage and pain she's left behind.

It also gave me the conviction to stand up for the kids and do as my counselor has instructed. She has told me to NOT ask the kids if they want to talk to S; not to put them on the spot. I have continued to do so, though, because I have worried about S's feelings. I will not do that anymore. The boys will call her when THEY ask; when THEY want to talk. I will not put them in the position to feel guilty and say yes because they know she wants to talk.

Also, Dr. B has said that the boys are NOT ready to see S and her wifey together. So, I will have to let S know that if she brings her at Thanksgiving she will not see the boys. It makes me feel better to know that the counselor feels that it's not best for the kids; it's not just my decision. MY OPINION is if you only see the kids you supposedly love and miss so much only a few days every few months it should be one-on-one time.. .. .. they shouldn't have to share her with anyone, kwim? But, again, it's all about HER and not anyone else's feelings.. .. ..

I will say, this morning was so very difficult for me. I threw up, I cried. I miss her. I miss her friendship, I miss my soulmate. But she has not cared about hurting me and I have to protect myself, my heart, my boys. It's time for us to move on and leave the past where it is.

I pray this is another step - if even a baby step - in the right direction for us.. .. ..

I have to quote my Old Navy shirt on this one, lol.. .. .. 'Ride out your wipe out'.. .. ..

Monday, October 13, 2008

An Amazing Weekend.. .. ..

This weekend were the BABY SHOWERS!!! I cannot begin to express what a wonderful, blessed weekend it was. Most importantly I got to spend time with the most amazing family, so full of love and support and kindness. We had such a great time with everyone!!

Friday when we arrived we went to visit with Jenn (mom) and S (big sis). S was sooo excited to see her baby sister! She ran up and gave me a big hug then gave my stomach a big hug and kiss. She just rubbed on my belly and smiled so big. It was such a priceless, precious moment. Jenn and I got to visit for a bit, then the boys and I headed off to L & L's (Mike's parents) for dinner and a sleepover!! We met at a restaurant and visited for a bit. I think they were both surprised at how BIG I have grown since the last time we were together!! We were all wiped out and went to bed shortly after getting back to the house.. .. ..

Saturday morning the boys got up and went to watch TV while I got ready. I turned the TV down low, as to not disturb L & L and hopefully let them sleep. Well, Papa L came downstairs and hooked the boys up with headphones so they could hear better. It was SOOOOOO cute seeing them sitting in their chairs with the headsets on watching cartoons!!! While Grandma L and I went off to baby shower#1 Jonah and Logan stayed with Papa L to go on a hike!! They live right next to an area of old Indian grounds and a waterfall with lots of trails to explore. The boys were so excited. They packed lunches and drinks and headed off. (The boys later went on and on about how AWESOME it was and what a GREAT time they had!!!) Grandma L and I went off to the first baby shower.. .. ..

The Saturday shower was hosted by Jenn's friends Marti, Elise, and her mom H. It was a BEAUTIFUL tea-party. We had tea sandwhiches and delicious desserts!! We played a super fun game and opened presents... after presents... after presents!!!! Jenn received soo many gifts. There were so many beautiful outfits and odds-and-ends she'll need with baby-on-the-way. Everyone was so sweet and so excited for Jenn. It was nice to meet friends and family of hers and to see all the love and support she has. After the shower I headed back and picked up the boys to go back to Mike & Jenn's. The rest of the afternoon/evening was restful and just plain wonderful. S and the boys got to play together and she and Logan have the BEST time together. They mesh so well and have become good friends. It's so sweet to watch them interact. S would wander over to me from time to time and rub my belly or lean over and hug and kiss it. Her joy and excitement over baby sister is so evident.. .. .. I cannot WAIT to see them together for the first time!!!!!

On Sunday, Jenn and I had baby shower #2 to attend! The boys and S got the special suprise of getting to go to Chuck*E*Cheese with S's cousins!! They were all so excited!! They went off their direction and we went to the cutest little cafe for the shower. This shower was hosted by Grandma L's friend Gerri, who was very generous and gracious in giving the shower. Most of the women there were friends of L's from bridge, tennis, and bike riding. They were a HOOT!! They were all so sweet and ... grandmotherly, lol. They showed Jenn so much love and excitement. I also got to meet more of the family - Papa L's daughter and daughter-in-law and Grandma L's son's girlfriend, Barbara. Barbara and I had such a good time, giggling in the back corner. It was so nice to meet all of them and hopefully we'll see eachother again!!! Jenn again received so many amazing presents and great clothes and gear for the baby.

The abundance of love from ALL of the family and friends was so heartwarming. Not only will this child be surrounded by love from her immediate family, but there is a whole network of people who love and adore her.

I do have to add that I was very loved and appreciated as well. All of the family and friends were so appreciative and caring toward me. Jenn's mom gave me a BEAUTIFUL teapot to remember Saturday's tea party and I will always hold treasured memories when I look at it. Barbara gave me a gift bag of Burts Bees bath goodies to pamper myself. Gerri gave me a big bottle of White Diamonds perfume. And Jenn and Mike gave me a gift card for NY&Co, so after their baby is here I can spoil myself to a new outfit!! I felt like a princess, so spoiled. I was very humbled by all the love and generosity to myself, and especially to Jenn.

I must say, the one thing that clenched my heart more than once was the sentiment of Jenn, her mom, and grandma L. I overheard from each - at seperate times when asked about our relationship after birth - that we would always be in touch. The one that caught my ear - and heart - the most was when Jenn's mom told one lady, "OF COURSE we'll keep in touch. They are part of our family." Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

People say that they worry about getting attached to the baby. I am attached in the sense I feel so responsible to her and her family to make sure she's healthy. BUT I am sooo very attached to her family, who has shown me so much love, support, kindness, and care. Beyond that, they have made me feel like family and that will always be such an amazing love and gift from them.

I know that some of them read this blog, and if they are reading, I want them to know how much their love and kind spirits touch my heart - and my boys - and that you will all ALWAYS be our family, too!!! xoxoxoxo And, I cannot wait to see them all again .. .. .. the next time will be when we welcome this precious girl into this world and into the most AMAZING family!!!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Funnies.. .. ..

Logan always comes up with the funniest things. Here are a few from just the last two days.. .. ..
  • Mommy, let's get married. (said last night as we cuddled on the couch. I explained that just wouldn't work, lol).
  • That's SWEET! (everytime he thinks anything is cool)
  • Mommy, can you have a baby for me and Jonah? (to which I told him that I needed to find a partner first)
  • Mommy, I want a daddy too. (to my response I needed a partner)
  • Let's go to Mary's house so I can see Tatum. I want her to be my girlfriend. (in reference to my very close friends' granddaughter)
  • Are there babies in your boobies too?? (yes, they have grown, too, but NOT THAT MUCH)

and, my favorite,

  • I'll just sleep here until morning, then I'll sleep with you again. (as I tucked him in... think he's gotten used to cuddling with mommy??)

Logan is full of fun, quirkiness, and love. He always knows how to heal me with words.

Jonah always knows when something is 'off' or I am sad. He heals with touch. He rubs my back to gives me a big hug or just puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles at me.

How did I get so lucky to have TWO wonderful little men in my life??

House of Cards

That's how I feel today. Like I am a house of cards. One little draft of wind sends everything crumbling down to a pile of mess.

It's discouraging when I feel like I am making such huge strides. When I feel like I am making progress but then it's so quickly and easily stripped away.

It's frustrating when my own mind plays against me. My own heart. I *think* I have everything on lock-down, think that I'm working through it, then one little thing knocks me back to ground zero.

I know none of this makes sense, but I am in the process of working on the problem and until I get it resolved one-on-one I don't want to share. I would rather it come from me personally than to be read in my blog. Once it's resolved, though, I will elaborate.

I think - know I KNOW - the next thing I want to work on is building my stregnth with bricks, not cards.. .. .. Until then all good thoughts and wishes are gladly accepted.. .. ..

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Taking a deep breath.. .. ..

These past few weeks have been such a whirlwind!! I am dizzy from it all.

First, work has been CRAZY. I have been sooo busy. And my boss is going out on surgery next week, which makes him stressed. He gets all wiry and like a Tasmanian devil spinning out of control. So he's been adding to the headaches of everyone else around here. We had a large tour yesterday, so everything had to be perfect for that. I have AP to do and purchasing to finish up. OH and the temp we offered my job to hasn't called back, so it looks like we're back to the drawing board ... with only 7 weeks until my due date. IF I make it all the way to the end!!! I know all things work out, but sheesh.

Then the kids ... Jonah is having another one of *those* weeks. He's whiny and complains if I ask him to help. He's irritable and mean towards his brother and me. I swear, boys get PMS too!!! These hormones are driving me nuts and I know it's just beginning!!! AGH, Lord help me. LOL. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid, but sometimes I just want to shake him and ask him what the heck he's thinking??!!

Logan is having a hard time. He's consistently getting 3+ corners a day at daycare. He just won't listen and he's being aggressive and mean toward some of the other kids. He wants 100% of the attention from Ms. Cathie, but he wants everyone else to leave him alone. He has pushed around one of the little kids quite often and he's just not listening!!! At home he has been throwing fits and sitting on time out quite a bit. Every night he begs to sleep with me. He asks me all the time if I'll come back. UGH, it's just heartbreaking. I think it might be catching up to him and maybe it's time for him to start counseling, too.. .. ..

I am finally wearing down some too. I guess I'm to that point in pregnancy where it's a little inevitable. I am tired more often, though I am finally getting some sleep. After much prayer I am falling asleep and sleeping well. No more tormenting thoughts and dreams. It helps that I take a hot shower to relax my body and pray while I'm in there, then slip right into bed. So sleep is good, but it never seems like enough. LOL. I am actually more comfortable physically. I *think* she is engaging into the hips, taking some pressure off.

Overall, I am doing well (since I've had a few people ask). Like I said, I have been sleeping better - less tormenting thoughts. I do not blame myself anymore and I don't carry as much anger and hostility. I actually feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they were both so needy that they didn't even think about the people around them, their kids included, when they made these decisions. I feel sorry for my ex because she's missing out on the boys. After she left from her weekend visit the boys were fine. They actually just talked to her on Monday, only because she wanted to to talk to them and they said sure. They haven't asked to talk to her at all. They are moving on, and I am sure that hurts her.

On the other hand, it brings peace to my heart. To know that they'll be okay. I am very proud of them. And, honestly, proud of myself. It's definitely getting easier to know that each day that goes by I am getting stronger, we are getting stronger, and we'll be better than okay.

So, yea, things are crazy and making my head spin now. But, everything is good.. .. ..