Have Mercy??

Will it ever end? This is yet another post about the ex. I know it's such old b.s. and the same crap over and over so stop reading if you're as tired of it as I am. But I have to get this out. Since, once again, she has contacted me and opened the wound I was so desperately trying to stitch closed.. .. ..

This week has been hard as it is. Coming off of the Christmas holiday has been hard. Though spending the time with my best friend and grandparent helped, it still ached in my soul that my "family" wasn't together anymore. Logan asked about the ex and still says, "She's coming back soon, right?" I don't even know how to answer anymore beyond just saying "no". Then this week is New Years. We had been planning to spend it in Las Vegas, oh so ironic now, since it's something we always wanted to do. And, the worst of it all, Saturday would have been our 9-yr anniversary. SO this week has been ... a challenge ... to state it simply.

I hit a really rough patch Sunday. I was just drowning in the pain. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I need to make her not exist. I had done it once before, I could do it again.

When I was 18 the ex came to me when she and her g/f got into a bad fight. She stayed with me and we had the most amazing week together. All the love we wanted to share together for so long we were allowed to experience. It was the happiest week of my life. Then she went home to get more clothes ... and didn't come back. Hours passed and she finally called and said she couldn't come back. Couldn't leave her (ex's) son.

I was devastated. Seriously crushed. I became very ill and didn't - couldn't - get out of bed for a week. I lost the one thing I wanted, the one thing that made me feel complete and happy. I was destroyed.

Yes, I see how mellow-dramatic that sounds, but it was true. There is some wicked connection for me to her that I cannot explain and I cannot will away. I have tried - Lord help me, I have tried.. .. ..

Anyways, after a few weeks of not talking to her things got better. I was able to pretend she just didn't exist anymore. That she didn't live in the same world as me. I was able to get out and about again, date, FUNCTION. Things were better.

A year and a half later she came back in my life. I remember very clearly the day she called my work. The moment I heard her voice my breath caught, heart skipped a beat, and I was in love all over again. She came to my work to visit that day and we were together from then on. I was hesitant, I knew what would happen if she left again. I trusted her, though. Trusted she'd never hurt me like that again.. .. ..

So here I am. Not nearly as incapacitated as last time, but still struggling nonetheless. So I asked her to please, please not contact me anymore. I have asked her more than once. I was doing okay this week, then she goes and contacts me again today. YES, I KNOW I shouldn't have talked to her, but she is good at guilting me and making me feel like the bad guy when I try not to talk to her. I am too weak, too worried about HURTING HER that I give in. All to set myself up for more hurt.

She wanted to know if Jonah hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her. How am I supposed to know?? Jonah doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to hurt more than I already do, which breaks my heart for him. He shouldn't have to protect me. Anyways, I told her to ask him and said that I do know he is angry and hurt. That I overheard him telling my grandma "I know she was in our lives a long time, but then she just left us. I don't understand how she could do that." He's mad. He's damn mad and hurt and he has every right to feel that way.

She just doesn't get it. She says she does, but she has no idea. She tries to compare her hurt, her 'pain'. It make me infuriated when she says she understands how the boys feel or how I feel. I cannot believe she has the audacity to compare her momentary, here-and-there, self-serving sadness to what the boys and I feel. She feels sorry for herself, NOT the boys. It's all about her not getting the attention from them, life not revolving around her. I told her to go back to her perfect, wonderful life and not worry about them. She has said she has everything she wants and so WHY does she worry about or bother herself with thoughts about the boys? No point. Like Jonah said, she walked out.. .. ..

She tells me that she understands how I feel. YES, I cheated on her during our relationship. I will admit my faults. But I NEVER walked out on our relationship. I was remorseful and did everything I could to make our relationship work. She says she knows my pain, NO I never walked out on our relationship, on our children. She has never rolled over in the middle night, reaching for the other half of her whole to find empty space. She hasn't consoled her upset children when they miss their parent who abandoned them. Yes, I am furious as I type this. So I know it's choppy, but DAMN IT I am so angry. I am so tired of her living her perfect life there, yet keeping one hand here, always keeping us at arms length. She said, AGAIN TODAY, that she wishes we could be friends. That tells me that she really has NO IDEA the damage she caused, the pain she inflicted and continues to.. .. ..

Anyways, I just need her to not exist. This was the point of the post. She needs to just not exist in my world anymore. Hearing her voice makes my heart skip still, makes all the love rush back. After all of this, it still does. Which very well tells me that's the way it'll always be. If I can't hate her now I will never be able to. Which tells me she was my soul mate, no matter how little I obviously meant to her. Which tells me I need her to GO AWAY. I need her to not exist in my world in order for me to heal and function in it. I know that sounds so weak. So stupid in so many ways. But it's the only thing that has worked and the only thing I know to do anymore.

So my only hope is that she will have mercy and leave me alone. I wish I could hate her, I really do, but I obviously can't. So she needs to just not BE in my world. As sad as that makes me, it's what has to happen for this to go away and for me to heal.. If she ever cared anything for me than I can hope she'll have mercy now. .. ..