Loss.. .. ..

These last two weeks have made me face everything I was trying to hide from for the past few months. These last two weeks, though, were horribly painful. It started to hit me during labor. I was sitting there, rocking in the chair, praying for pain relief, and it hit me. She wasn't here with me. We started this journey together, she promised she would never leave or abandon me, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there!!! I lost it. I started bawling. I felt horrible. My IP's were sitting across the room from me. Mom - my ex's mom - was sitting across the room from me. And I was just bawling. Nikki was sitting next to me and she wrapped her arm around me and cried with me. She knew.. .. .. with no words, she knew. I sucked it up as quick as I could. I had to get mad. I had to get darn mad over and over while in labor. I hated her at that moment. I hated all the lies, all the broken promises. I hated feeling abandoned, and I hated missing her and wishing she was there.

After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.

I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..

Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.

And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.

And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.

This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..