Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Why do I do this to myself??!!

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

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