Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Things that make you go hmmmm....

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

Friday, November 13, 2009

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..