Monday, February 23, 2009

Another Day, Another Dollar

At least for today.. .. ..

I could actually feel the stress today at work. It's going to be a long week. Actually, I think from here until the end of the year is going to be long. We are having our - seems like - annual "coaching" this week. Today was interviews with the Risk Management guy, G, and Friday we have our big pow-wow and meeting of the minds. Overall everyone at work gets along, except for a few distinct lines in the sand. Of course those are an issue of great discord and therefore the need for coaching. Ugh, seriously, aren't we all adults.. .. ..

Today was also a union meeting. I am on the board of the union as the secretary, which is probably a good thing. I have to concentrate on taking minutes so I can't speak up as much. And y'all know opinionated me.. .. .. Some people just burn my behind though. Today, and for some time to come, we are having to focus on jobs and cuts and what to do. It is inevitable the city manager is going to ask us to cut back. Actually, all departments have been required to cut 12% off next years budget, equalling over $7.5 million. For a lot of departments their only budget is staff.. .. .. Which will force us to look at layoffs and/or furlough days. However some people just want to focus on what everyone ELSE should do instead of what THEY can do to help. For crimeny sakes, how hard is it to realize we ALL have to work together so we can ALL at least KEEP our jobs. Some people!! Anywho, since I am on the board I will have a lot of meetings coming up to discuss our stance and protect our workers. And we are renegotiating our contract this year. Good times. All we are really hoping for at this point is job retention. Scary to even have to think about that.. .. ..

On the boy front.. .. .. I emailed 'said guy' from the last post (or one before or, well, down there somewhere). I decided I at least deserved some sort of explanation, so I sent an email. If he doesn't respond I'll just Carrie Underwood him. Just kidding, if you got what I was saying. Nah, seriously, just an explanation is all I am asking. I hate feeling left in the dark. I also met someone else on Saturday, but have no expectations there. We'll see. *rolling eyes*

And I went back to the doctor today. Sinus infection. FUN. So I started the Z-Pack today and should be better by Wednesday. However I heard from J tonight and she was headed to the ER with Baby K. Apparently she isn't doing so hot. Sick, fussy, not eating. So they are getting her checked out. They need to find out why some of her platelets are low, so I am going to see if the same tests were run on me and get my results. If not, I will probably have them run just to compare for Baby K. I hate that she's been so sick and will super hate it if it has anything to do with me. Though I can't see how, I will still feel terrible if somehow it's related at all.. .. ..

Good news is I did get to exercise tonight. Well, I got to walk. I did a quick mile and then came back in. For having rained most of the day it's remained relatively warm. And 10 more days (at least) forcasted for rain. I am soooo over it. Spring and Summer cannot get here soon enough. (and, with Spring comes SOFTBALL!!!!)

So tomorrow is a new day. Though Saturday cannot come soon enough. Another meeting tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday, and all day training on Friday.. .. .. Calgon take me away!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Good Times

We had such a great evening. In spite of having NO voice and coughing like crazy we decided to still venture out to our softball team bbq. The chef rocks and is always the host with the most. There was great food ... hamburgers, hot dogs, Frank's famous potatoes, potato salad, pasta salad, beans, mini-wienies ... I could just keep going on!! LOL.

There was lots of great music and the pool table was in full swing. We all had such a great time. LOTS of laughing and fun. Jonah even had an excellent time, not only playing with the kids but making friends with one of the "big kids" and learning more about how to play pool. One of the great things about this group is the friendship of everyone and how we all take care of each others kids and look out for one another. Seriously feels like one big family.. .. ..

So we got home a little late, but had the best time. The boys slept in this morning, not so much from being out late, but from playing so hard!! It was a great great time and a much needed break! Whoohoo for good friends and good company!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Oh but one realllly great thing!!

Yesterday Logan got his first pair of cleats and a baseball bat!! I cried. I am such a nerd, I know! But he's so cute in his little cleats, holding his little bat. I'll have to take a picture to share. I can't ... I mean HE can't ... wait for t-ball to start!!! =)

My Chinese New Year

Seems to be accurate so far. This is not going to be my year.. .. ..

First, there IS good news this week. My very close friend is going to be a mom. Her babies were created this week and her surrogate will become pregnant with them on Sunday. I am so happy for her, as this has been a long journey for them and they so deserve all the blessings this world has to offer. And, second, I heard from the couple I worked with in my last surrogate journey. Today my surroprincess is three months old!! And, health permitting, I will get to see her this coming Thursday! YEA! Something to look forward to!!

So that's the good, here's the rest.. .. ..

.. .. .. the mono panel came back positive-ish. I have ebstein-barr virus, which apparently most of the population has. It's not active, though, so I had mono at some point in my past, but no telling when. I will probably never have another flare up, according to the doctor, but I'll always be a carrier. Hmmm. My iron levels are still low, so back on prenatals to try and help that situation out. My periods are off and whacky and not happening, so back off the birth control and just letting my body regulate. And praying in doing so I don't get cysts again. And just when I was starting to feel better my allergies kick in. So I feel relatively well, but from all the coughing I have NO voice. UGH. My doctor is also concerned about my weight and wants me to eat more protiens and breakfast. Breakfast... what's that??!! So he gave me a diet plan to follow. I swear, I am coming up on 30 and breaking down along the way!!

The dating situation.. .. .. I just throw my hands up. Seriously. I *thought* things were going well and then don't hear from him for a week. Not a text, call, pm, nothing. Whatever. I am not even going to try and understand. I think that single-for-life sounds more and more enticing every day. I am definitely done looking or caring for awhile. Too exhausting. That said, I really like said guy. So if he came back with a good explaination, I'd probably work through it. Hmpf.

Still nothing on the house front. And it's just so frustrating I can't think about it or I'll cry.. .. ..

And more than anything else this week I wanted to be in Ohio. For my best friend. For a loss she had to endure that no one should. And it crushed my heart because I couldn't be there for her. Logistically I just couldn't. Had I been able to work something out with the boys I would have been on the next plane. I even looked at tickets. SO, one, I feel like a horrible friend because I wasn't there. And, two, I feel horrible because my friend is hurting so bad and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Not a damn thing and that kills me. She has done so much for me and been there for me through the toughest of times. And I can't do anything for her now. I am not there (though I SHOULD be) and I can't find the right words to say or things to do. I feel so helpless and I just want to comfort her and reassure her that things will get better. I hate it for her. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

My doctor asked me if I was depressed or stressed and I said I didn't think so. But, obviously that's why I was ignoring my blog. Because now, writing it out, I am crying. I just want to crawl under my blankets and hide and sleep for a week ... or two ... maybe three. I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am spent. I am not even wishing for everything to be all better anymore ... just an end in sight would be nice.. .. ..

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Called out.

Erica called me out. That I haven't been blogging. And I know why I haven't. I can't hide from myself if I blog. Writing it out makes me really think about it and focus on it. And avoidance is much easier.

Things really aren't bad. Just so many unknowns right now that are driving me a little batty.

First, this stupid house. I mean, I do love my house. I want to keep it. But trying to get anyone to help you refinance is like pulling teeth. Especially if you're not in default. And I am having a hard time not paying the mortgage. I can't do it with a clear conscious. SO I will work on it more this week. It's just so frustrating and not knowing what will happen compounds that.

Second, my health. I have just been so tired. Preliminary blood work shoes possible mono. MONO?? Ugh. BUT here's the kicker. The less I do the worse I feel. The more I do the better I feel. Not supposed to be like that with mono. OH and I can't stop losing weight and we don't know why. Seriously, I am tired of losing weight. I know that sounds stupid to some, but it's to the point of worrying me. 10 pounds in 7 days ... not good. I have plateaued again, so hopefully this is it.

Third, my heart. Farfigpoopin. So I am seeing someone. For not too long now. But I like him. Really like him. But ... I don't know. I doubt EVERYTHING. I wonder what this means or doesn't mean. I deconstruct everything thats said. If he does contact me, if he doesn't. What he says. What he does. What that means or doesn't mean. I constantly want to run and protect myself. But then I see him or talk to him and don't want to go anywhere. It's just so frustrating. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do. I just don't even want to think about it. I'm just .. .. .. scared.

Besides that, everything is just on spin cycle. Sometimes I am not sure what is up and what is down. I don't even know what to say. ME!! Not knowing what to say. I think that says it all. I just want peace and clarity and it's being awful elusive.. .. ..

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Happy.. .. .. Really HAPPY

There have been many times in the last few months that I thought I would never get to this point. That I would never feel genuine, in and out, happiness. But here I am, a smile on my face, a smile in my heart, feeling HAPPY.

Things aren't going perfect. I have had some situations I had to deal with. But I have learned the skills I needed to handle them. I was honest and upfront. I didn't compromise myself to make anyone else happy. I held true to myself and was sensitive to others while being loyal to my needs. And it felt GOOD and it was EFFECTIVE. And I knew, then, that I had grown so much. That I have learned the lessons I needed and I am the person I have so long strived to be. I knew that I was going to make it and be stronger and better than ever.

Since then things have just been falling in place. I am maintaining boundaries with some, building wonderful relationships with others, and loving myself and my boys more than ever. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I am not stressing about what will happen next and where I am going. I have faith that things will work out how they should. I am confident in myself and the strength I have.

I talked to the ex the other day on the phone.... and it went WELL. We didn't fight at all, we talked business and then were even able to talk about general stuff. We laughed and we joked a little and it felt GOOD. I no longer harbored anger or hurt ... I was fine. And that was fantastic.

For the first time in a very long time I am happy. I don't delusion myself to think it'll always be this good, but if it is even 80% of the time I'm good. And, more than anything, I have the confidence to know I can handle anything that life throws my way.

I am happy. Really, really happy!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Good times.. .. ..

Ah, this weekend was a good weekend. Actually, Friday was good and it's just carried over .. .. ..

Work was great Friday. It was payday Friday, which has it's own traditions at work. I always pick up cinnamon rolls from an awesome local bakery and we typically bbq. Friday held true to form with scrumptious burgers for lunch. The day was very low-key. I finished up copies of reports for end-of-year for the most part. We did get a new (to us) little meter-maid car to get around the site. So, of course, we all had to try it out. OMS, those things can go 80mph. NO we didn't prove that true, but they can. They have some major power. If we got a few more we could totally do lap races around the site! haha. We also have had some equipment down and a new building put up, so I went around and checked it all out. It was definitely a good Friday at work.. .. ..

After work I had quite the hustle-and-bustle.. .. ..I had my counseling appointment, which went fantastic. Then I was off to get my kids AND my friends kids. We were all meeting up later, but they had a dinner to go to, so I was on kiddo duty. SO I ran all over, got the kids, got them all fed, and headed off to a friends for her son's going away party. As always, we had a good time, but it was bittersweet. Her son is going off to the Army, and of course we're all nervous and excited for him. He and I have become good friends, as his daughter is one of Logan's "girlfriends". So it was tough telling him goodbye.. .. ..

Saturday was a very good day. I got motivated and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. It felt good to take care of the little things that needed to be done. The only thing left now is the bathrooms. I HATE cleaning bathrooms. Ew. But they'll be done tomorrow and the house will be all spic-and-span again. Love that.

Saturday afternoon and evening were awesome. Today is my friends birthday, so us girls went out to celebrate last night. We went up to Black Oak casino for a little gambling and girl time. Though we only ended up gambling 30 minutes of a six-hour stay. Go figure. We had the BEST time eating and talking and drinking. And bowling! That was a hoot. I am really lucky to have a group of amazing, funny, happy friends to surround myself with. It's never a dull time with them.. .. .. We got home about 2 a.m. (left at 3 p.m.!!!) and I spent a little time with Mom (my ex-MIL) before heading off to bed. That was a really nice night-cap, as we haven't spent much time together lately. (we also talked some on Sunday ... it was really nice. I am hoping we can get together and just chat soon.. .. ..)

And then there was today. I was dog-butt tired when I woke up. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. BUT I am glad that I did. I took the boys up to Sacramento for lunch with surrogate friends. It was so nice to see Cyn (hi!) and visit with her. It's amazing how fast pregnancy seems to go when it's not yours!! She looked fantastic and ALMOST made me want a preggo belly again....Almost. LOL. I hadn't seen Melissa in a looong time, so it was fun to chat (and share ice cream and cookies... yum). I met some new faces to me, though I've seen them in the surro world for awhile. It's ALWAYS nice to put faces with names.. .. ..
The boys were awesome. I was so proud of them. They sat for two hours, playing their DS's, and behaving like good little men. I am so lucky.. .. ..

After lunch we headed home and crashed out. We watched the rest of the Super Bowl, then just a few minutes of TV before they went off to bed. I had all intentions of going to bed, but got sidetracked. Good sidetracked. So, I thought I'd update the blog, share the goodness (?) of the weekend, and settle in for another GOOD week. Yes, I predict good and will make it happen. It's a busy week, so off to catch my beauty sleep (need all I can get, lol).. .. ..