Happy Holidays?

I am making the best of it I guess. This year has been such a roller coaster that being "happy" is somewhat of an effort. This is my first Christmas at "home" all by myself. Well, with Logan. Okay, without being a family. Okay, the more I say those things I call bull shit on myself. Family is what you make it and if family is just Logan and I well then so be it!! New traditions, new definitions of family!!

Overall I don't care that I'm not the family I was two years ago. I don't miss the ex at all and that's not a bone of contention. Now, Jonah, that's another story. I miss him with every ounce of me. It is so painful to not have him here with me. I miss him beyond words. That's my baby and he isn't here with us. Every morning this last week (and a few times throughout the day) Logan has said, "I want my Jonah". It breaks me. Logan knows this is a special time of the year and he is feeling down that Jonah isn't here with us too. That's the part of my family I truly miss....

We don't do anything traditionally. It wouldn't be ME if we did. Tonight I will wrap presents (yes, I am a procrastinator). My brother is spending the night and in the morning we'll open presents with Logan. Then have a Christmas breakfast. Then it's off to visit friends and end the day having dinner with some very close friends of mine. I feel so fortunate for the friends who take us in and love us as part of their families. It makes me happy for Logan, that he can see that family is who you make them, not just the ones you're born into.

Anywho, this year is coming to a close and I was super bummed. I felt dead-ended and just ... shitty ... about it all. I am lucky my 'family' has pulled me out of my funk. Things always get worse before better, now I think I'm passing through the worst of it. I finally feel a little optimistic about what's to come. I have a plan and a plan to back that up. And I'm confident my life and where I'm at this time next year will be completely different and wonderful!! I found an awesome quote that I'm making my mantra...

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Blessed Christmas to all and many wishes for a SUPER New Year!!! xoxo

Addiction

I have an addiction. I go through withdrawl like with any drug. I get moody, irritable, irrational, and sad. I find fixes in the wrong ways, just to have a fix. I am addicted.

Sometimes addicts put themselves in destructive situations to have their fix of their drug of choice. For me, its happened more and more. Allowing myself to be in situations that are dead-end or a temporary fix. Desperate to fill that need, I will neglect what is best for me in the long-run for that momentary high. I refuse to see the writing on the wall and try to believe that what is good right now is good enough.

You try to convince yourself you're not doing any harm. It's no big deal. That it's FINE. Is it though?? Is it okay to cry when you don't have what you NEED (so you think)? Is it okay to be sick to your stomach, waiting to know if you'll get your fix?? Is it okay to live each day waiting for the next time you have your drug??

No it's not okay. You have to find that inner strength to say "I'm better than this". To walk away and find that fix within yourself. To rely on your inner happiness to fill the void the drug smokescreens and pretends to fulfill.

That's where I am now... having to pick myself back up, stop relying on my fix, and rely on myself. Know I'm worth more and need to take care of myself.

And that I don't need anyone else.

And that my inner happiness is more than anyone can give me.

My name is Jennifer. I am addicted to love.

Another month...

Another month has gone by. Funny how time seems to just slip away.

So there seems to be so much going on yet so little to share. No guys in my life right now to really speak of. Not even sure what's happened/happening on that front. I know that I am standing up for myself and making sure I am getting what I want/need, which limits the dating pool. Haha. I really don't care at this point. Just too much energy to try to even invest into it. Single really isn't so bad. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes it is. Overall though it's managable and it's not as bad as a bad relationship. So for now I'm just fine where I am...

The house is officially in foreclosure. Got the notice on Saturday. I will contact the company one more time this week to see if there is ANYTHING they will do. If not I will start packing and wait for them to evict me. I am not leaving until they make me!! I knew it was coming so I am not too sad. A home is what you make it, so wherever I go will be home. The reasons I am upset are very fun and rediculous mostly, so I'll just leave it at that. But moving definitely seems on the horizon.

I have had a hard time lately reconciling that I don't have the family I wish I did. Thanksgiving was spent with me, Logan, and my brother. My mom didn't even bother to come by. Christmas will probably be the same. My friends have invited me to be with them Christmas day, but how pathetic and sad is that??? I just feel ... alone ... sometimes. In the deepest, saddest of ways. I feel most bad for Logan. That my brother and I are basically all he has... I am lucky to be surrounded by awesome friends. I suppose, though, at the holidays you think about how important family is and not really having any ... well, sucks a little. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all I have. Just feel Logan is being cheated... Which is another whole story and saddness...

Anyways, besides that crap things are good. Work is good and I am overall happy. I have been dieting and will start working out again today. For real, today. I realized I need to tone and no amount of dieting will help that. I will say I am thankful that for a year now I have maintained a size 6/8 and feel good in clothes. Naked, not so much, but clothes hide it all well.

I really am just kinda in a state of limbo right now. I know the responsible things to do in my life, and I know what my whimsical life wants. I just want to leave. Start over. Though I know that I can't. I just want to.

Oh well, I am sure things will get better. They really aren't BAD so I shouldn't be complaining. Just in a funk. It's the holiday's. I always feel this way at the holidays.... UGG.

Miss you Dad...