Called out.

Erica called me out. That I haven't been blogging. And I know why I haven't. I can't hide from myself if I blog. Writing it out makes me really think about it and focus on it. And avoidance is much easier.

Things really aren't bad. Just so many unknowns right now that are driving me a little batty.

First, this stupid house. I mean, I do love my house. I want to keep it. But trying to get anyone to help you refinance is like pulling teeth. Especially if you're not in default. And I am having a hard time not paying the mortgage. I can't do it with a clear conscious. SO I will work on it more this week. It's just so frustrating and not knowing what will happen compounds that.

Second, my health. I have just been so tired. Preliminary blood work shoes possible mono. MONO?? Ugh. BUT here's the kicker. The less I do the worse I feel. The more I do the better I feel. Not supposed to be like that with mono. OH and I can't stop losing weight and we don't know why. Seriously, I am tired of losing weight. I know that sounds stupid to some, but it's to the point of worrying me. 10 pounds in 7 days ... not good. I have plateaued again, so hopefully this is it.

Third, my heart. Farfigpoopin. So I am seeing someone. For not too long now. But I like him. Really like him. But ... I don't know. I doubt EVERYTHING. I wonder what this means or doesn't mean. I deconstruct everything thats said. If he does contact me, if he doesn't. What he says. What he does. What that means or doesn't mean. I constantly want to run and protect myself. But then I see him or talk to him and don't want to go anywhere. It's just so frustrating. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do. I just don't even want to think about it. I'm just .. .. .. scared.

Besides that, everything is just on spin cycle. Sometimes I am not sure what is up and what is down. I don't even know what to say. ME!! Not knowing what to say. I think that says it all. I just want peace and clarity and it's being awful elusive.. .. ..