Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Another chapter written.. .. ..

So, this I guess is the follow up to the very obscure post a few days ago, House of Cards. I had been doing REALLLLLY well with not thinking about the past and moving forward. S - the ex - had called and talked to the boys the Tuesday before and afterwards messaged me thank you. I was laying down, not feeling well, and really saw no reason to respond. Well, Thursday she messaged to find out WHY I didn't respond. I kept the correspondence short and sweet and ended it quickly. I didn't want to get wrapped up again. But, lo-and-behold, my mind starts to spin. Wow, was she really thinking about it that much? Did she miss me?? Why would she still think about it two days later?? And, there I sat, bawling my eyes out because again I let my heart go there, knowing full and well in my head that she was concerned for HER feelings, not mine, and that she in no way cares like I wish she did, but in my heart wanting to feel like she cared, like she missed me. I wrote her a long letter that night, finally saying what I had hoped to avoid.

I had to lay it out that though having a friendship with me makes HER feel better, it hurts me. It makes her feel good that she has "the love of her life, TRUE happiness" and she can keep me as a friend. It makes her have no accountability, because if everyone is happy with her then what she did can't be wrong, right?? But for me, I love her. I will ALWAYS love her. How quickly and easily she replaced the love she "said" she had for me shows me how superficial it must have been with for her. After four months I still feel that love and that conviction that she is my lifetime soulmate. No matter how much I fight that, no matter how much I try and disclude that. So I know that's real FOR ME. I just have to figure out how to bottle that away and allow myself to love someone else, though I am unsure I will ever love anyone as I did her. See, for her though, she's already sharing that - and from what impression she gives me - more, with her new wifey. So she has no idea what she meant to me and the hurt and sadness I carry. Anywho, for me, it is one or the other.. .. .. a relationship or friendship. There is no middle ground possible, not with the magnitude of feelings I have had for her.

Anywho, I didn't send the letter. Just writing it made me feel a release of weight off my heart. Yesterday she messaged me again, asking how the baby shower went. Well, I didn't get the message for awhile anyways (I was in meetings). When I did the first thought was "If you cared you wouldn't have left and you would have finished this journey with me" .. .. .. second thought was "None of your damn business". At that point I knew it was best to just not respond.

At 5:45 this morning she messages me something about not responding to her and it would be decent to at least tell her that I didn't want to talk to her. I took it as an opening to tell her how I felt. I told her for the most part what is above. Not surprisingly she put me down and got mad. Of course, because it's all about her and what makes her feel good. No regard for how others feel. I guess in a way that makes me feel a little better. It reitterates to me that I need to protect myself and need to continue to try and build myself up and move on. She has no feelings or regards for the damage and pain she's left behind.

It also gave me the conviction to stand up for the kids and do as my counselor has instructed. She has told me to NOT ask the kids if they want to talk to S; not to put them on the spot. I have continued to do so, though, because I have worried about S's feelings. I will not do that anymore. The boys will call her when THEY ask; when THEY want to talk. I will not put them in the position to feel guilty and say yes because they know she wants to talk.

Also, Dr. B has said that the boys are NOT ready to see S and her wifey together. So, I will have to let S know that if she brings her at Thanksgiving she will not see the boys. It makes me feel better to know that the counselor feels that it's not best for the kids; it's not just my decision. MY OPINION is if you only see the kids you supposedly love and miss so much only a few days every few months it should be one-on-one time.. .. .. they shouldn't have to share her with anyone, kwim? But, again, it's all about HER and not anyone else's feelings.. .. ..

I will say, this morning was so very difficult for me. I threw up, I cried. I miss her. I miss her friendship, I miss my soulmate. But she has not cared about hurting me and I have to protect myself, my heart, my boys. It's time for us to move on and leave the past where it is.

I pray this is another step - if even a baby step - in the right direction for us.. .. ..

I have to quote my Old Navy shirt on this one, lol.. .. .. 'Ride out your wipe out'.. .. ..


Cyn said...

Jenn, I think you are right on. I'm sure she thought about it for 2 days because it's so out of character for you and it probably hit her kinda hard-that's ok.
She has made the choices and she can't actually have it both ways. You can be civil with her for the boys, but you don't have to have a friendship-and certainly not while this raw. Perhaps years down the road a friendship may be nice, for the sake of the boys, but right now all it does is hurt you and make things easier for her.
It's great to hear you are seeing a counselor and I would have to agree about Thanksgiving.
I get what you mean about her time with the boys, but honestly that's how MANY people do it. They are so 'infatuated and in love' that they can't possibly imagine why the kids wouldn't want to be a part of it as well.
It sounds like your making great STRIDES even if they feel small.

J and D waiting said...

I think you are doing all the right things and your going to go through many stages of healing for yourself and your boys. It is hard to move on from an old life to a new life. You are doing a great job. Keep feeling all the emotions and keep looking out for you and your boys.