Thursday, September 4, 2008

Clarity.. .. ..

These past few months have been a trying time for me. My partnership, with the person I loved more than anything and thought was my life partner, ended in June. And she moved away with my (ex) friend. I still dislike them for that. But my hardest part is dealing with the kids that were left behind.. .. ..
So sometimes I say things to the ex that are mean and uncalled for. When I see the boys hurt I tell her to just go away and stay away. Not because I hate her, but I hate seeing my boys in pain.

Today I did that, and she made sure that I felt worse than I have maybe in all my life. She hit every sensetive spot she knew I had to hurt me beyond recognition and made sure I knew that no one would ever love me, respect me, or want to do anything more than use me, because that's all I am worth.
For almost an hour I couldn't stop crying. I felt broken, crushed. I had never felt so much hate from anyone before.

But I took a few breaths and realized that, yes, maybe she does feel this way about me, but I have to believe it came out like it did through pain. My sons act out and talk back, say mean things, hit and throw things, because they are in pain. I say mean things to her because I'm in pain. Isn't that basic human nature??

So, she may never ask for forgiveness for what she said. She may stand behind her words and thoughts 100%. She doesn't have to ask, though; I have already forgiven her. If I don't, if I held on to what she says, then I cannot move forward. And I've come too far to fall back down.

I have not always been the best person, I will fully admit that. But I am learning from those mistakes, growing from them, and committing to being a better person, not only that others can love, but that I can love myself.
Really, at the end of the day, isn't that what's most important? That we can look ourself in the mirror and say "I love and respect you"? Without that, what do we have?

So I take this not as a beating, but as a test to my growth through this experience and a challenge of my stregnth from within.
That moment listening to her, I was in was a challenge and it crushed me. But the true test is how long I allow it to hold me back and hold me down.
The moment has passed.. .. ..

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