Trust

There is the infamous question ... do you trust someone until they break it or do you make someone earn your trust?

I used to be the type to trust someone until they broke it. You have to extend a little rope, right? I thought people were good by nature and would allow people to get close and share with them unless they gave me reason not to. I always believed in the good in people and had a very open heart and mind to others. I took people in and shared with them about me, listened to them, and overall thought people had a good nature.

I am down right pissed that has been taken from me.

After trust was broken by my best friend of 16 years and partner of 8.5 and by another 'friend' that I had allowed into my life, it seems impossible that anyone else should be trusted. I feel like if THEY could do it, anyone could, especially if my was-supposed-to-be-life-partner broke it. If they could take every ounce of trust I had in them, that they BEGGED for and SWORE would not be broken, why would anyone else be any different??

I meet people now and am automatically skeptical of them. I wonder what their motives are, who they really are, what they do/say behind my back. I so dislike being that type person!! I dislike feeling that I have to be cautious and guarded and have to protect myself. It shouldn't be that way, right?

Worse yet, even people I have been close to for a long time I question now. My mind bounces back and forth.... do I really know this person? can I really trust them? what if they turn out to be different than I thought??

It makes me so angry and frustrated that one of the qualities I treasured most about myself - the ability to trust and let people in - has been rocked and cracked to the core. I am frustrated that I am not sure how to rebuild that in myself and how to reestablish that ability. I know that not everyone would break this trust I have to give, but if the one person I thought NEVER would did, why not everyone else?

Maybe it comes back down to the fundamental ability to trust yourself. Maybe I need to relearn to trust my own judgement (as I had a severe lapse in it, obviously) and in doing so will be able to trust others. I need to find the weak spots in my own judgement at the time and build those back up. Maybe then I can trust myself again, and in turn trust others.. .. ..