Security Induced Insecurity

So, the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. And it's frustrating because I should just be happy. Things are good! But NOOOOO I am paranoid and insecure, all because I am feeling SECURE!!

How to explain?

I feel very confident and comfortable in my relationship with M. We are becoming very close, as friends and as potentially more. I trust him wholeheartedly. We have great conversations and continue to learn more about each other. In the beginning it was a mixture of "wanting to take it slow" and the eagerness of wanting to talk all the time, missing him like mad, and butterflies. As the time has gone by, especially in the last few days, I don't feel the need to talk/text all day. I am not stressed on "when will I see him again?". I know I WILL see him again, so when isn't as stressful. Our texting has slowed down some.... Things are changing some. And in one way that feels great and makes me happy. I think it signifies a security and comfort in the relationship. That you know that the relationship is strong and moving forward. No need to rush, no need to be needy, just enjoy it as it goes along. On the other hand....

He has been acting the same way in return. He's also been a little stressed and reflective of all the stuff that's happened the last year. (He's had a hell of a year). So he's been a little more reserved. Or so it feels. A little withdrawn, or so it feels. I have started to over analyze EVERYTHING that he does now. I am so secure with how I feel, where he stands with me, and where I want things to go. But I find myself more INsecure with how he feels, where I stand with him, and where he wants things to go (if at all). I did ask him and he said we are good, though I still wonder. I feel neurotic!! I don't doubt what he says ...

I am scared. Guess that's the only way to sum it up. I feel AMAZING with him and am happier than I have ever felt. My friends have noticed and commented to the same regard. This is so different, so great, and so WHAT I WANT. So what if it's all gone tomorrow? What if he changes his mind? What if the stress of the last year makes him run from this? What if, what if, what if....

And that makes me feel stupid. Because I know we can't live in what if's. I know that alone will destroy anything that's happening because I will become insecure and push him away. Hence the writing it out. (though it suddenly feels like I'm talking to myself and need a straight jacket....).

So here is rational me again.... Things are GOOD. We have a great relationship and enjoy each other very much. So there is NOTHING to stress about. I need to just enjoy the security and the comfort of the relationship and let it unfold each day, one day at a time. I need to have faith in him, that what he says is true and that we are okay. I need to remember to just breath ...

And, honestly, if he walked away he'd be an idiot. =)

Deep breath in, deep breath out, and on to enjoying another day .. .. ..