Sunday, September 20, 2009

Crazy how quick things can change...

I sit here in tears. It's numbing how quick things can change ... without any warning, without any 'signs'. Actually, much to the contrary.

Friday was a good day. M and I were getting along great. He was happy, I was happy. We were texting and being goofy and sweet. Flirty and fun. It felt like things were back to "normal". He tells me that his ex is coming over that night to let the boys play. He knows I am not comfortable with this, but that I trust him. He even states there isn't anything to be worried about ... he joked "I want to tell her face to face about our upcoming nuptials"... totally a joke, but reassurance he isn't interested in going back there and I am where he wants to be.

Then he just stops messaging ... and doesn't again until the next morning. I didn't sleep all night. I knew... I knew in my gut.

Sure enough, they had a "long talk" and rekindled the flame and he "is confused". (Not so confused that they haven't spent most of the weekend together). And he doesn't know what will happen but hopes we can still be 'friends', he loves our 'friendship', and doesn't want to lose that.

I will tell you, I was a whole spectrum of emotion at that time. I was crushed, crumbled, mad, FURIOUS, ... and hurt. So so so hurt. And felt so lied to. We talked for a little bit and I let some of that out. Then I just closed up. And so now it's been 24 hours and I am coming here to get it out...

First, I am angry. At him and his ex. First at him for lying to me. For making me believe I had nothing to worry about, when obviously I did. For abusing and violating my trust. And for being blind and stupid to her antics.

I am angry with her for not respecting the relationship between M and I. ESPECIALLY because she does know me!! And she had no regard for hurting me or HIM. That's what makes me really angry. Her motivation is selfish. She is jealous he had moved on, she is lonely, and she wants him back... she, she, she. She couldn't give a rats ass about HIS needs and his happiness. She is blowing the smoke screen of "I miss you so much, your son misses me, I have changed, I will be better ... " BS. If you were going to change and be better you would have during the relationship. And SAYING it and DOING it are two different things ... and you don't change in a few weeks!!! FUNDAMENTALLY people DON'T change!!!! And do you WANT to be with someone who has to change who they are to be with you??!! But she knows M, and knows how to play every bit of that big heart. So my question is, is emotional blackmail and manipulation love? NO, it's codependency, selfishness, and neediness. And it kills me, because he's fallen for it and will go back to not hurt her more. And he, his son, and her will end up more hurt when it's the SAME EXACT THING all over again.... I believe she believes she loves him... but it's not love... it's her NEED to not be alone and have him take care of her. It has nothing to do with what's best for him. And THAT'S not love....

It kills me for him. I truly just want him happy. I know he wasn't with her, for the most part. We all have the good times, the connection, the moments that will forever make us smile. However, I know that there was so much hurt, so many issues, that those things will never mend and will never change.

There is nothing I can do to change that though. He has to make his own choices and see how they play out for him.

Crazy thing? I'd take him back and start over in a heartbeat. Our relationship was damn good. Easy communication, great with honesty, trust, and friendship as the basis. Great chemistry. And most importantly, the ability to just be ourselves and enjoy each others company.

I won't fight for him though. I am not going to whine and cry and plead my case. I am not going to be her... I will not manipulate him and blackmail and guilt him into missing me. He asked last night how I was and I made the mistake of being honest. Numb, hurting, hurting, hurting.... I won't do that again. He messaged me first thing this morning. My initial reaction was to tell him how empty and sad I am. Then to be hateful and tell him not to worry about me. BUT those are all from pain and hurt and I would regret it. So I took a few minutes and messaged back all I could muster "have a good day". It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to love him and I know he needs me to just back off and let him figure things out. So I love him in my heart, from a distance, and pray ... a lot.

I pray that God will work in his heart. Lead him in the right direction for his life. Lead him to where he will be happy. Bring peace in his heart that he's making the right choices. I pray for peace in my heart and patience. It's the one time in my life I believe the saying, "If you love someone set them free, they will come back if it's meant to be". I don't believe our chapter is complete. And I pray that he'll chose me. That he'll resolve his issues with the past and realize how great we are together and choose, for once, peace and happiness in his life. Most of all, I just want him to be happy, wherever that is in his life. I truly love him, and I only want what's best for him. Only he can figure out what that is for him. I just pray for that ... for us to be right where we are supposed to be ... whether it's together or apart...

As for me... I keep praying for peace in my heart. For the tears and the numbness to go away. And selfishly, for M to see how great we are, how easy it is, and to chose me... = ( Like I said though, I won't beg, I won't even plead my case. IF what we share means as much to him as it does to me, his heart will tell him. And he will have to chose what to do.

Until then I just pray.. and hope that God will either work to bring us back together or heal my broken heart... the sobbing and vomiting is taking it's toll...

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