So confused and STILL crying....

Which just pisses me off. I swore NO ONE would ever effect my emotions this much ever again. Yet I woke up throwing up for 20 minutes, almost called into work, and when I got here my boss tells me I can go home if I need to ... I think the swollen red eyes gave it away that things aren't okay...

I am really torn as to what to do. I really don't understand or know how he feels about me. "Thinking about you" sends a lot of mixed signals right now.

Should I just suck it up and accept whatever he is willing to share? I don't know if I could handle being "friends" if he and his ex are back together. I have NO respect for her. NONE. And I know she does not love him ... Love is not selfish, manipulative, and conniving. So it would bother me that he's settling for less than he deserves. Not even that he has to be with me ... maybe I'm not what he wants or needs, but KNOWING he is settling for less would bother me.

He really does have a great heart and I love him dearly. I am torn so much and don't know what to do. I think not really understanding where he's at, what he's thinking and feeling, complicates things. I don't know that I even know what *I* think or feel right now.

I just wish there was an easy cut-and-dry answer. I guess there isn't. Life is never that easy, right??

I will just keep praying, keep hoping His will will become evident, and pray for peace in my heart... Just want peace ...