They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.
Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!
Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!
Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.
I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.
Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.
Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!
My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.
((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))
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2 comments:
Way to go Jenn!
I think you just jump in heads first a little too fast at times. You're not necessarily doing anything wrong, you're just not testing the water. And sometimes that means it's going to be freezing cold and you might not be able to breathe, but it may also be the most beautiful water you've ever swam in!
You always have the best things to say! Thank you, Cyn! You are so right and I'm learning to "curb my enthusiasm"!! Just need to find that healthy balance. I refuse to be jaded, though. I still believe in love, just going to take a little more time to find it. THANK YOU!
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