I am in a much better state of mind today than yesterday. It has not been easy by any stretch. I finally just kept praying for peace and God delivered. In an amazing, awe striking way. And I was able to do what I had to do.
I told him not to contact me anymore. It's not what I WANT but what we both need. If he wants to give it one last go with the ex it is unfair to HER for him to continue to message me about how he misses me and is thinking about me. And it's unfair to me. I will not take half-ass. I deserve 100% and will not settle.
I figure one of two things will happen. He will be happy there and forget about me OR he'll miss me so much he'll realize he made the wrong choice and come back. Either way it will give me the time to think and heal and take care of ME.
I hate that people think that thinking of yourself first is selfish. You have to think of yourself first. If you are not happy with yourself, if you are not loving yourself, you cannot share those things with anyone else. You have to be comfortable with yourself and complete to share yourself anywhere else. So I need to reestablish that for myself and he needs to find that for himself. Either it will lead him back or ...
One thing I DO know is I found exactly what I want. The relationship we shared is everything I have hoped for. So whether it's with him or someone else, I know it exists and I won't settle for less.
So for now I fight the urge to message him ... I fight the urge to tell him I love him, be safe, I miss you ... and I pray to God to do his will and trust that He will take care of the details....
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2 comments:
This sounds like a very mature, reasonable decision and I would agree that it sounds like the right one. It is unfair for all of you for him to be partly available to everyone.
I KNOW it will be hard, but time will heal and tell.
My best advice: Give someone else your phone so that you can't even be tempted.
I agree with Cyn. Many hugs to you. I am so sorry you are hurting.
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