One thing that I've really realized this past week is how much I am not the same person that I was this time last year. I think in a lot of ways it's good, but - as with anything in life - there's always a flip side of the coin.
For one, I am much more outspoken than I was a year ago. I stand up for myself and what I believe. I make my own decisions and stand firm in what I want for myself. It might not always be what's "right" for me (especially in the eyes of others) but it's what I want for that moment. And I can only learn from my own mistakes. I won't learn from being chastised or criticized. And I make no qualms in expressing my point of view. Unfortunately, that may hurt others. Which I do not do intentionally, but I won't hurt myself to spare someone else.
I spent entirely too much of my life trying to do everything "right" for everyone else in my life. To say the right things, do the right things, be the right things. I walked on glass too long and I have the scars to prove it.
I promised myself that I would never be that way again and I think that is causing hardship in some of my friendships. I don't think people know how to take me now. I am independent and secure and strong. I don't need others to lead me, I am my own leader. I value others opinions but I don't take them as the gospel and do what others think I should.
And I'm blatantly honest with people. I try and be tactful, however I think it's doing a disservice to not be honest with others. Even if it may hurt their feelings. Nothing is accomplished by sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending everything is okay.
Mostly, I am just my OWN person now. I march to my own drum and I stand up for myself. And not everyone will appreciate that, but I'm the only one that has to. I can't change that about me and I WOULDN'T. I don't ever want to be that weak, meager person I once was ... under the control of others and governed by the rest of the world and not myself.
I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings, but I do not apologize for being me and standing up for me. I am stronger and better than I have ever been and I just cannot apologize for that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
I absolutely hear what you're saying. A few years ago I decided I found I was frustrated with friends for not reciprocating the efforts that I put out for them. I realized that it was my own problem. I should never give more of myself than I am willing to lose if someone chooses to not reciprocate. I can not change what others do, I can only change what I do and how I let others effect me. As a result I have lost some of the friendships, but honestly I'm much happier than always being upset and the lack of effort from the other party. Were they hurt in the process? Probably, as I never really told them "hey I think you're a crappy friend and you only think about yourself", but I can live with that.
I'm not so big on the blatantly honest thing. I think some people really do need/want to live in their little bubble and who am I to burst it. I don't have to lie, but I can certainly keep some of my thoughts to myself. Especially since I'm so dang judgemental (and a grudge holder, not a good combo).
I get the honesty thing. I should clarify. I don't burst people's bubbles or push my POV on others, because that's not what I want done to me. I am honest with my feelings about ME and how things affect ME. If it doesn't effect me, more power to you. =)
And, for me, it's not so much about reciprocation as it is about respect. Just respect me and my own thoughts and feelings. Don't try and make me what you think I should be, kwim??
Thanks, Cyn. It's nice to feel understood.
I kwym, my problem is I want people to be waht I want them to be-working on the accepting people as they are thing :)
Post a Comment