Better Today

I think the initial shock of it all has worn off. I am still a little perplexed but not as angry or sad or whatever. I swept through the emotions pretty quickly I think so I wonder if they'll ebb back up on me again soon or not.

The only think I hope for is an apology or some sort of explanation. I think I deserve at least that. Whether I will get it or not ... who knows.

I do feel awful sad today for F and his family. Last night was the viewing, today is the funeral, and tomorrow they spread her ashes. I cannot imagine the pain and grief they are experiencing.

I am quite angry his ex - or current - or whatever - girlfriend would confront him with all this crap while he is there dealing with this. I think it definitely shows her selfishness and immaturity. Sure, if this is what's going on he needs to be held accountable, but there needs to be some tact about it all.

I really don't hate him and I'm not all that mad. If being with her is what he wants, that's fine. I just wish I had been afforded the truth and not been lied to. I still will allow him to talk to me and hear him out, if that's even what he wants. But I cannot trust him and will not have this kind of drama in my life.

It hit me last night the irony of it all. Exactly this time last year my partner was running off with someone else. Now it's happening again. Note to self, don't let this become an annual pattern.. .. ..

I think I'm just going to stop looking and caring for a bit. They say when you do that then it all falls in your lap. I can hope I guess. I really, really, just want to be a wife and mother and share my life with someone. But I guess it's all in His time and I just need to be patient and have faith. So that's what I think I'll do. Easier said than done, but much easier than hurting.. .. ..