What am I "supposed" to do??!!

Yea, that's about it. Wow. See, I thought I was doing better. Seriously, I thought I was. My post yesterday, about the Chinese New Year... honestly, it was all good-hearted and good spirited. So it says my year will suck. Maybe so. I'll take it in stride if so. I wasn't upset, I didn't feel defeated. I actually just kinda felt like, "hmmm, so that's what's in store".

Apparently, though, I'm self-pitying. And I'm not dealing with life. And I'm not as strong as I should be. Hmmm.

I guess I am self-pitying. I am pissed. I am so angry that everything I worked towards - good credit, a family, a home - is all gone or going quickly. I'm hurt that I am bearing the consequences of others poor decisions. I am frustrated that my life - and that of my children - will continue to be impacted for at least seven more years by choices I had no choice in making. So, if that's self-pity so be it... Make me a button and I'll stick it on my shirt.

I asked nicely for a little consideration and help. And I may actually get some mercy. I am definitely not holding my breath, but just to be heard and considered was nice. Could it possibly be that I WON'T have to live with the consequences of others actions for years to come??? Maybe?? Probably not, but at least I tried and at least I asked.

My point... I'M TRYING. No, not everything is done in court yet. One, time. I have a lot going on and a lot on my mind. Maybe that's just an excuse, who knows. Two, I get burnt out. Frustrated, irritated, burnt out. And so I take a step back. Is that right/wrong? Who knows, but it's what I do. I have finally looked into what my options are with this house (limited to NONE). I am asking around though, getting creative. I am finally accepting that I may just have to find somewhere to rent and let this house (and my credit) go. I could not accept that less than a month ago. But now I'm facing that and looking at other avenues and options.

And, NO, I am not tackling dating like I "should". Yes, I'm running avoidance. Yes, I'm letting the good guy go and settling for the good-enough. Yes, I'm hiding. That's all I can do for now. That's all my heart is capable of. That's where I am right now and it's okay with me. Why would I want to try and date when I am so obviously not ready and hurt more people than I already am?? What would be the point?? I am NOT ready. Is it really better to be out there dating a million people when you aren't even ready than to just BE for a bit???

So maybe I'm not moving as fast as I should be, but I am doing the best I know how. Maybe I'm not getting stuff done that I should, but I cannot swallow it all whole. Maybe I'm still taking baby steps when I guess I should be leaping over canyons. But I'm doing the best I can. And if my best isn't good enough.. .. ..

I wish I had the quick fix. I wish I had all the answers. Until then I just have to go through it. And I will make mistakes. A lot of mistakes, obviously. But until someone can provide me with all the right answers and the freakin' manual on how to do this "right" then this is what I will do. I will make my mistakes, hopefully learn from them. I will get things done at the pace I am most comfortable with. And I will live the best I know how because it's better than not living at all and better than giving up. And if it's still not good enough, then so be it. But it's better than nothing at all. And THAT is what I hold on to. THAT is my inspiration. Because whether people see it or not, I AM better off this month than last, and moreso than the month before that. At least I FEEL now. I am not so freaking numb and dead. I am finally feeling alive again. And that is ALL I can ask for right now.

Off to bed to cry and yell and scream some more. And guess what?? Pick it all up and start all over again tomorrow with determination, drive, and conviction. Because, believe it or not, that's how I'm doing these days.. .. ..