Indifference.. .. ..

Indifference is an interesting thing. I cannot refer to it as an emotion, as there is no emotion attached to it. It's almost a level of numbness without all the depression numbness might bring. You don't feel anything. No love, no hate, no sympathy, no anger ... nothing. It's just ... indifference. I would definitely not want to feel this way about many people. It's not a good feeling by any means, but it's peaceful. My counselor has been talking to me for MONTHS about how much better I would feel when I hit that point with the ex. After this last weekend, I made it there. Today we spoke on the phone and I felt ... nothing. She asked why I was always so mad at her and I told her that given the circumstances she shouldn't have to ask. But, honestly, I wasn't mad ... I just didn't care. I felt no emotion. And part of me is sincerely sad for that. Because she has always meant so much to me. And, locked inside, probably will. But a large part of me was ecstatic. I finally made it through a conversation without crying, without vomiting, without the nervousness, and without the pain. I don't need time to recover from it and I don't feel ... anything. And THAT feels good. There is hope there that I am really on my way upward without more backsliding. That I am making it through and, hell, may be on the other side of this.

For a long time, too, I was angry and upset that I "wasted" 8.5 years. If this is how it was going to turn out then why did it ever happen? Why didn't we end it a long time ago? Why go through all we did to end up here?

But I have no regrets now. Not about us being together anyways. I have made peace with the things I did wrong. I have forgiven myself and learned from the mistakes and how not to make them again. I have recognized and acknowledged the faults in our relationship that lead to its end. I recognize the traits that I will and will not tolerate in a partner. The qualities I want someone to have and those I will not accept. I have a better understanding of me and of the person I will end up with. I think things through better, evaluate all angles, and - most importantly - stand up for myself. I will not compromise myself, I will not change myself. I will not save anyone and don't want to be saved. I simply want to be me.

My ex would tell you I was the most selfish, self-centered bitch she's ever known. I heard it more than once, not only since the breakup, but during the relationship too. The problem was I had given up so much of me that when I started doing for me again and being my own person again she couldn't stand it. When she wasn't the center of it all, when there was life beyond what made her happy, she couldn't be happy anymore. She took it as I didn't love her anymore. In reality, I was loving her more and more because I was also loving myself again. When you don't love yourself you cannot love anyone else fully and you can't be truly happy either.. .. ..

I guess that's the one thing I WILL retain from this.. (Not HOPE to, WILL...) .. You have to love yourself before you can fully love anyone else. You have to know who you are. Enjoy your own company. Know what you like/don't like. Have hobbies. BE YOURSELF. And, most importantly, don't lose or compromise those things because of who you are with. Yes, relationships are about compromise, but not about compromising yourself. The right person will see you for who you are and accept you right there. They won't want or need anything from you to be happy. That's the other key, making sure they are at the same place as you. No rescuing or needing to be rescued. Just appreciation of each other.

Ugh, once again the post got off track. I guess it was appropriate I named my blog with the word "ramblings" ... I sure seem to do it a lot. But, the more I do the more the ramblings start to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle and I am slowly getting a deeper realization of who I am and what this twisted mess means. And, finally, I am confident that I am becoming a bigger and better person and in the end this will all be worth it for me to develop ME. The tools that I have learned will help me to do that. Indifference is the latest to be implemented, but my hope is that I continue to learn and grow. And be the person I am meant to be, live the life I am meant to lead .. .. ..