My Son, The Player.. .. ..

Ugh, Lord help me now. My son has not one, not two, but THREE girlfriends. One is younger, one is a few months older, the other is much older. He says he likes them all equally for different reasons and that they ARE his girlfriends. He gets all goo-goo eyed and blushes and acts shy when he talks about them. Oh but you can see that affection there.. .. ..

Thank goodness he's only four!! ROFL

Yes, LOGAN has three girlfriends.

His first girlfriend is S, the big sister to the baby-on-the-way. They hit it off immediately when they first met. S is quite shy, but she took to Logan. This past weekend they were two peas in a pod. They get along SOOOO amazingly well. One morning they were building a train track and setting up all the little figures. They had made up a song and were singing together - "Teamwork, teamwork, it takes teamwork". It was so cute. They let each other take turns and treat each other so well. So, by the time we left Logan had decided that S was his girlfriend.. .. ..

Girlfriend #2 is a long-running girlfriend. Her name is Tatum and her grandma is one of my BEST friends, Mary. Tatum is a year younger than Logan, but they get along so well (she is so grown up and mature!!). They spent the summer playing in the pool, hanging out, and sharing toys. He asks often if he can go to Mary's and "see my girlfriend Tatum". Cutest story.. .. .. Tuesday night he was at Mary's and Tatum came over. Logan was telling them about his girlfriends and Tatum said, with quite the attitude I hear, "WHO is S.....??!!" ROFL. Yes, little Tatum was JEALOUS!! Logan better watch out.. .. .. nothing worse than a jealous woman!!

The third girlfriend is a little too old for him. But I must say I think this is his true love. He is completely smitten with her. He gets the most blushed and shy when he talks to her or sees her. He is completely twitterpated. She returns his love and affection unconditionally and they are very close. But if Tatum knew Grandma was girlfriend #3 she might flip!! LOL, yep, Mary is his third girlfriend. Aw, geez, it's so cute to see them together. He really adores her to pieces. Heck, he asks to spend the night at her house allll the time. Last night when we left ball he said to me, "Mommy, you go live with Ron and Mary can come live with me and she can be my Mommy." I told him that she couldn't be his girlfriend anymore then and he said, "Uh huh, she's BOTH". Such a stinker, but such a cutie. And, obviously, he knows it!! LOL

I am just glad that my four year old and not my eleven year old has three girlfriends. I hope and pray Jonah continues to think girls are cute, but not THAT cute for awhile! LOL. Because LORD HELP ME when Logan becomes a teen!!! .. .. ..

A Pat on the Back and a THANK YOU!!

So I am kinda proud of myself today and finally BELIEVE I am making progress.. .. ..

Ever want to do something just to do it, knowing you probably shouldn't and will regret it, but still want to anyways??!! Yea, vague, I know, but the situation really isn't the point here.

Anywho. I was in one of those moments today. I could have done the knee-jerk reaction and just did it. But I stopped and thought about it. I petitioned the advice of friends (amazingly wonderful friends, btw) and I searched my head and heart first. I realized in doing so that going the quick and easy knee-jerk route could potentially hurt me a lot. I realized that nothing really would be accomplished by it. I also realized that I am the bigger person and have the power to walk away from it and be all the better for it.

SO I chose the last option. And - hot damn - it feels great. To know I have control over my emotions. Not just to talk the talk and say no one controls your reactions, moods, happiness, etc, but to really BELIEVE it and LIVE it!! Dang, it is an amazing feeling!!

SO what could have been a bad situation.. .. .. what could have caused me trouble.. .. .. what could have changed my outlook today DIDN'T because I HAVE CONTROL!!

Seriously, the high road IS the good road and feeling good because it's from the inside out is amazing!!

I had a friend today tell me that reading my blog made her realize only she can control if she has a good day or not. I hope soon she - and all my friends reading - get to experience it first hand !!!!

It really is simply amazing!! .. .. ..

34w.. .. .. 5w1d until *D* Day!!

Well, yesterday marked 34w completed in this pregnancy. I still cannot believe we are so close to the end! My doctors appointment went GREAT. Everything looked super, and baby girl is head down and engaged. VERY unlikely she'll move at this point, so we are on track for the VBAC!!

My doctor FINALLY agreed to an induction date. Thursday, November 20th, is the day she's scheduled to enter this world. Only 5w to go now!! It's amazing to me that we'll be meeting her so soon. When I called Jenn to tell her you could hear her awe, wonder, and excitement bubbling through the phone. It makes it so real to have a "real" date to look forward to. To know on that date their daughter will be making her way into the world. Heck, even thinking about it makes me teary all over again!!

It's been quite a journey. I feel a little robbed - with everything else that went on the last few months I don't feel like I got to enjoy everything as much as I'd have liked. Knowing, though, that this journey will not end at birth is a comfort.

I know we are all so excited to meet her and see what she looks like. AND GET A NAME!! (hehe, just picking on you Jenn). Wow, only 5 weeks to go.. .. ..

Here's a little pic update too. Excuse the puffy face.. .. .. allergies are not being kind!!

Next update will be after the 36w appointment!! Whooohooo!!

Another chapter written.. .. ..

So, this I guess is the follow up to the very obscure post a few days ago, House of Cards. I had been doing REALLLLLY well with not thinking about the past and moving forward. S - the ex - had called and talked to the boys the Tuesday before and afterwards messaged me thank you. I was laying down, not feeling well, and really saw no reason to respond. Well, Thursday she messaged to find out WHY I didn't respond. I kept the correspondence short and sweet and ended it quickly. I didn't want to get wrapped up again. But, lo-and-behold, my mind starts to spin. Wow, was she really thinking about it that much? Did she miss me?? Why would she still think about it two days later?? And, there I sat, bawling my eyes out because again I let my heart go there, knowing full and well in my head that she was concerned for HER feelings, not mine, and that she in no way cares like I wish she did, but in my heart wanting to feel like she cared, like she missed me. I wrote her a long letter that night, finally saying what I had hoped to avoid.

I had to lay it out that though having a friendship with me makes HER feel better, it hurts me. It makes her feel good that she has "the love of her life, TRUE happiness" and she can keep me as a friend. It makes her have no accountability, because if everyone is happy with her then what she did can't be wrong, right?? But for me, I love her. I will ALWAYS love her. How quickly and easily she replaced the love she "said" she had for me shows me how superficial it must have been with for her. After four months I still feel that love and that conviction that she is my lifetime soulmate. No matter how much I fight that, no matter how much I try and disclude that. So I know that's real FOR ME. I just have to figure out how to bottle that away and allow myself to love someone else, though I am unsure I will ever love anyone as I did her. See, for her though, she's already sharing that - and from what impression she gives me - more, with her new wifey. So she has no idea what she meant to me and the hurt and sadness I carry. Anywho, for me, it is one or the other.. .. .. a relationship or friendship. There is no middle ground possible, not with the magnitude of feelings I have had for her.

Anywho, I didn't send the letter. Just writing it made me feel a release of weight off my heart. Yesterday she messaged me again, asking how the baby shower went. Well, I didn't get the message for awhile anyways (I was in meetings). When I did the first thought was "If you cared you wouldn't have left and you would have finished this journey with me" .. .. .. second thought was "None of your damn business". At that point I knew it was best to just not respond.

At 5:45 this morning she messages me something about not responding to her and it would be decent to at least tell her that I didn't want to talk to her. I took it as an opening to tell her how I felt. I told her for the most part what is above. Not surprisingly she put me down and got mad. Of course, because it's all about her and what makes her feel good. No regard for how others feel. I guess in a way that makes me feel a little better. It reitterates to me that I need to protect myself and need to continue to try and build myself up and move on. She has no feelings or regards for the damage and pain she's left behind.

It also gave me the conviction to stand up for the kids and do as my counselor has instructed. She has told me to NOT ask the kids if they want to talk to S; not to put them on the spot. I have continued to do so, though, because I have worried about S's feelings. I will not do that anymore. The boys will call her when THEY ask; when THEY want to talk. I will not put them in the position to feel guilty and say yes because they know she wants to talk.

Also, Dr. B has said that the boys are NOT ready to see S and her wifey together. So, I will have to let S know that if she brings her at Thanksgiving she will not see the boys. It makes me feel better to know that the counselor feels that it's not best for the kids; it's not just my decision. MY OPINION is if you only see the kids you supposedly love and miss so much only a few days every few months it should be one-on-one time.. .. .. they shouldn't have to share her with anyone, kwim? But, again, it's all about HER and not anyone else's feelings.. .. ..

I will say, this morning was so very difficult for me. I threw up, I cried. I miss her. I miss her friendship, I miss my soulmate. But she has not cared about hurting me and I have to protect myself, my heart, my boys. It's time for us to move on and leave the past where it is.

I pray this is another step - if even a baby step - in the right direction for us.. .. ..

I have to quote my Old Navy shirt on this one, lol.. .. .. 'Ride out your wipe out'.. .. ..

An Amazing Weekend.. .. ..

This weekend were the BABY SHOWERS!!! I cannot begin to express what a wonderful, blessed weekend it was. Most importantly I got to spend time with the most amazing family, so full of love and support and kindness. We had such a great time with everyone!!

Friday when we arrived we went to visit with Jenn (mom) and S (big sis). S was sooo excited to see her baby sister! She ran up and gave me a big hug then gave my stomach a big hug and kiss. She just rubbed on my belly and smiled so big. It was such a priceless, precious moment. Jenn and I got to visit for a bit, then the boys and I headed off to L & L's (Mike's parents) for dinner and a sleepover!! We met at a restaurant and visited for a bit. I think they were both surprised at how BIG I have grown since the last time we were together!! We were all wiped out and went to bed shortly after getting back to the house.. .. ..

Saturday morning the boys got up and went to watch TV while I got ready. I turned the TV down low, as to not disturb L & L and hopefully let them sleep. Well, Papa L came downstairs and hooked the boys up with headphones so they could hear better. It was SOOOOOO cute seeing them sitting in their chairs with the headsets on watching cartoons!!! While Grandma L and I went off to baby shower#1 Jonah and Logan stayed with Papa L to go on a hike!! They live right next to an area of old Indian grounds and a waterfall with lots of trails to explore. The boys were so excited. They packed lunches and drinks and headed off. (The boys later went on and on about how AWESOME it was and what a GREAT time they had!!!) Grandma L and I went off to the first baby shower.. .. ..

The Saturday shower was hosted by Jenn's friends Marti, Elise, and her mom H. It was a BEAUTIFUL tea-party. We had tea sandwhiches and delicious desserts!! We played a super fun game and opened presents... after presents... after presents!!!! Jenn received soo many gifts. There were so many beautiful outfits and odds-and-ends she'll need with baby-on-the-way. Everyone was so sweet and so excited for Jenn. It was nice to meet friends and family of hers and to see all the love and support she has. After the shower I headed back and picked up the boys to go back to Mike & Jenn's. The rest of the afternoon/evening was restful and just plain wonderful. S and the boys got to play together and she and Logan have the BEST time together. They mesh so well and have become good friends. It's so sweet to watch them interact. S would wander over to me from time to time and rub my belly or lean over and hug and kiss it. Her joy and excitement over baby sister is so evident.. .. .. I cannot WAIT to see them together for the first time!!!!!

On Sunday, Jenn and I had baby shower #2 to attend! The boys and S got the special suprise of getting to go to Chuck*E*Cheese with S's cousins!! They were all so excited!! They went off their direction and we went to the cutest little cafe for the shower. This shower was hosted by Grandma L's friend Gerri, who was very generous and gracious in giving the shower. Most of the women there were friends of L's from bridge, tennis, and bike riding. They were a HOOT!! They were all so sweet and ... grandmotherly, lol. They showed Jenn so much love and excitement. I also got to meet more of the family - Papa L's daughter and daughter-in-law and Grandma L's son's girlfriend, Barbara. Barbara and I had such a good time, giggling in the back corner. It was so nice to meet all of them and hopefully we'll see eachother again!!! Jenn again received so many amazing presents and great clothes and gear for the baby.

The abundance of love from ALL of the family and friends was so heartwarming. Not only will this child be surrounded by love from her immediate family, but there is a whole network of people who love and adore her.

I do have to add that I was very loved and appreciated as well. All of the family and friends were so appreciative and caring toward me. Jenn's mom gave me a BEAUTIFUL teapot to remember Saturday's tea party and I will always hold treasured memories when I look at it. Barbara gave me a gift bag of Burts Bees bath goodies to pamper myself. Gerri gave me a big bottle of White Diamonds perfume. And Jenn and Mike gave me a gift card for NY&Co, so after their baby is here I can spoil myself to a new outfit!! I felt like a princess, so spoiled. I was very humbled by all the love and generosity to myself, and especially to Jenn.

I must say, the one thing that clenched my heart more than once was the sentiment of Jenn, her mom, and grandma L. I overheard from each - at seperate times when asked about our relationship after birth - that we would always be in touch. The one that caught my ear - and heart - the most was when Jenn's mom told one lady, "OF COURSE we'll keep in touch. They are part of our family." Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

People say that they worry about getting attached to the baby. I am attached in the sense I feel so responsible to her and her family to make sure she's healthy. BUT I am sooo very attached to her family, who has shown me so much love, support, kindness, and care. Beyond that, they have made me feel like family and that will always be such an amazing love and gift from them.

I know that some of them read this blog, and if they are reading, I want them to know how much their love and kind spirits touch my heart - and my boys - and that you will all ALWAYS be our family, too!!! xoxoxoxo And, I cannot wait to see them all again .. .. .. the next time will be when we welcome this precious girl into this world and into the most AMAZING family!!!!

Funnies.. .. ..

Logan always comes up with the funniest things. Here are a few from just the last two days.. .. ..

• Mommy, let's get married. (said last night as we cuddled on the couch. I explained that just wouldn't work, lol).
• That's SWEET! (everytime he thinks anything is cool)
• Mommy, can you have a baby for me and Jonah? (to which I told him that I needed to find a partner first)
• Mommy, I want a daddy too. (to my response I needed a partner)
• Let's go to Mary's house so I can see Tatum. I want her to be my girlfriend. (in reference to my very close friends' granddaughter)
• Are there babies in your boobies too?? (yes, they have grown, too, but NOT THAT MUCH)

and, my favorite,

• I'll just sleep here until morning, then I'll sleep with you again. (as I tucked him in... think he's gotten used to cuddling with mommy??)

Logan is full of fun, quirkiness, and love. He always knows how to heal me with words.

Jonah always knows when something is 'off' or I am sad. He heals with touch. He rubs my back to gives me a big hug or just puts his hand on my shoulder and smiles at me.

How did I get so lucky to have TWO wonderful little men in my life??

House of Cards

That's how I feel today. Like I am a house of cards. One little draft of wind sends everything crumbling down to a pile of mess.

It's discouraging when I feel like I am making such huge strides. When I feel like I am making progress but then it's so quickly and easily stripped away.

It's frustrating when my own mind plays against me. My own heart. I *think* I have everything on lock-down, think that I'm working through it, then one little thing knocks me back to ground zero.

I know none of this makes sense, but I am in the process of working on the problem and until I get it resolved one-on-one I don't want to share. I would rather it come from me personally than to be read in my blog. Once it's resolved, though, I will elaborate.

I think - know I KNOW - the next thing I want to work on is building my stregnth with bricks, not cards.. .. .. Until then all good thoughts and wishes are gladly accepted.. .. ..