Taking a deep breath.. .. ..

These past few weeks have been such a whirlwind!! I am dizzy from it all.

First, work has been CRAZY. I have been sooo busy. And my boss is going out on surgery next week, which makes him stressed. He gets all wiry and like a Tasmanian devil spinning out of control. So he's been adding to the headaches of everyone else around here. We had a large tour yesterday, so everything had to be perfect for that. I have AP to do and purchasing to finish up. OH and the temp we offered my job to hasn't called back, so it looks like we're back to the drawing board ... with only 7 weeks until my due date. IF I make it all the way to the end!!! I know all things work out, but sheesh.

Then the kids ... Jonah is having another one of *those* weeks. He's whiny and complains if I ask him to help. He's irritable and mean towards his brother and me. I swear, boys get PMS too!!! These hormones are driving me nuts and I know it's just beginning!!! AGH, Lord help me. LOL. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid, but sometimes I just want to shake him and ask him what the heck he's thinking??!!

Logan is having a hard time. He's consistently getting 3+ corners a day at daycare. He just won't listen and he's being aggressive and mean toward some of the other kids. He wants 100% of the attention from Ms. Cathie, but he wants everyone else to leave him alone. He has pushed around one of the little kids quite often and he's just not listening!!! At home he has been throwing fits and sitting on time out quite a bit. Every night he begs to sleep with me. He asks me all the time if I'll come back. UGH, it's just heartbreaking. I think it might be catching up to him and maybe it's time for him to start counseling, too.. .. ..

I am finally wearing down some too. I guess I'm to that point in pregnancy where it's a little inevitable. I am tired more often, though I am finally getting some sleep. After much prayer I am falling asleep and sleeping well. No more tormenting thoughts and dreams. It helps that I take a hot shower to relax my body and pray while I'm in there, then slip right into bed. So sleep is good, but it never seems like enough. LOL. I am actually more comfortable physically. I *think* she is engaging into the hips, taking some pressure off.

Overall, I am doing well (since I've had a few people ask). Like I said, I have been sleeping better - less tormenting thoughts. I do not blame myself anymore and I don't carry as much anger and hostility. I actually feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they were both so needy that they didn't even think about the people around them, their kids included, when they made these decisions. I feel sorry for my ex because she's missing out on the boys. After she left from her weekend visit the boys were fine. They actually just talked to her on Monday, only because she wanted to to talk to them and they said sure. They haven't asked to talk to her at all. They are moving on, and I am sure that hurts her.

On the other hand, it brings peace to my heart. To know that they'll be okay. I am very proud of them. And, honestly, proud of myself. It's definitely getting easier to know that each day that goes by I am getting stronger, we are getting stronger, and we'll be better than okay.

So, yea, things are crazy and making my head spin now. But, everything is good.. .. ..

Seven Weeks To Go!

Wow, only 7 weeks to go before baby girl is here!! I called the doctor yesterday asking to come off the procardia. It was making me feel sooo ill. The swelling and headaches were toooo much. LOL. The doctor agreed (called back today) so I haven't taken a pill since this morning. So far, no contractions!!!

My IM emailed me tonight and said her update compares the baby to a pineapple, and reflected on the pineapple eating before transfer. It made me feel like we've come full circle, and here we are just 7 weeks from meeting this miracle.. .. ..

This weekend is the baby showers. I feel so honored and blessed that we were invited. I feel lucky to be included in such a celebration of life and the impending birth of this child to such a wonderful family. I hope the showers are amazing for the parents and their daughter. I hope there is so much joy and excitement. AND, it marks the last 'big thing' before she arrives!!!

I must say, I am so amazingly blessed to be collaborating with such amazing people to bring a life into this world. I don't know how I got so lucky that they picked ME to join this adventure with them. The entire family will always hold such a huge place in my heart. I am so greatful to them for their love, support, and inviting care for me and my family. I am truly, truly blessed. I hope they all realize how very much they mean to me.. .. ..

My Sunday 'Date' With Jonah

Yesterday was such a great day for my oldest son, Jonah, and me. We dropped off Logan with my mom early in the afternoon then had a good lunch with my friend. After that we took off to Fresno to see "So You Think You Can Dance" live that evening. Well, we had PLENTY of time to kill, so we hung out together. We went shopping a bit. Got the boys new shoes - since their feet have grown AGAIN!! We got winter jackets and a piece of luggage for the boys for our trip this holiday season.. .. ..

THEN we went to Boomers! and played arcade games together! We had so much fun, laughing, playing, and talking the afternoon away. It was cool to just have that one-on-one time together!

We went to the show and had a BLAST!!!! Jonah was just awe-struck. We were so close that we almost got splashed with their sweat!! They did some of the very best routines of last season and Jo was hooting and hollering the whole time! I got him a t-shirt and a poster - the t-shirt is being worn today, the poster is going above his bed, lol. He had such an amazing time and the smile on his face was priceless!!!

We didn't get home until super late (the show was almost three hours!), but it was worth every second and every bit of sleepiness today.

I decided we need more time like that. I hope that I'll get to spend more one-on-one time with him from now on. The age he's at and everything that's going on really deems a need for it.

And, we both enjoyed it so very very much.. .. ..

Peace and Hope

I have kinda dropped word in here that the boys and I started going to church. It's quite interesting because I never thought I would feel that I 'fit' again at church.

But within the first few weeks of going I have felt conviction that church - this one in particular - is where I'm supposed to be. Here's a few co-winki-dinks that make me feel that way.. .. ..First week I see that a coworker of mine goes there - cool I know someone. Second week I figure out that my step-sister and her family go there .... weird. Then last week I figure out that I dated (for a very very brief time) one of the guys in the band. I am surrounded by people that I know. Very, very cool!! LOL

Well, yesterday was an amazing day at church. I honestly was tired and knew I'd be having a very long day so I wasn't sure I was going to make it. But I got up, got ready, and went.

The message was from a guest speaker. I must say, it seemed he kinda went from where he started to where I needed him to be without much cohesiveness. It was just so .. .. .. random.
Suddenly he was talking about God's love. That God has put his righteousness on us and that he has given his love. And that we need to stop running around, trying to EARN love, trying to find it, and stop and look inside.

I think I had gotten sidetracked from my mission to do that. I had started to feel lonely and wanted someone - anyone - to love me. I was starting to consider dating, just to not be alone. I was falling weak and I hated it, but I was just getting sad.

I cried yesterday in church. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. And I let myself open to His love and MY love for myself and the fullfillment that can give you. I left feeling renewed and I slept better last night than I have in a long, long time.

It is nice when you think that you just don't know what to do, when you are completely lost, and you hear, loud and clear, that you ARE NOT ALONE.

It's so nice to have that renewed stregnth and faith that I WILL BE OKAY.. .. ..

The Love of a Child

Last night, at a little past midnight, Logan came and crawled in bed with me. He asked if he could please sleep with me. I told him that he could lay there for a minute, but then had to back to his room. I have NEVER believed in kids sleeping with their parents, and I definitely don't want to start a habit!! So he climbed in bed with me and curled up close and snuggled in. As we lay there I played with his hair and felt him get heavy in my arms. I leaned down and kissed his head and he whispered, "I love you, Mommy."

My eyes welted up and I held him just a little closer. He was already softly snoring and just so sweet and innocent. I felt that connection you feel with your newborn, when they put all their trust in you and let everything go, and wrap themselves into your arm. I didn't kick him out of bed, though I made sure this morning he understood he cannot sleep in my bed!! But it felt so good to feel his innocence, his perfect love. It took me back to the simplest of terms, simplest of love, and it felt sooo good. There is nothing more innocent, pure, and perfect than your childs love.. .. ..

Thinking.. .. ..

I know, be careful not to hurt myself!! hehe. I have been thinking and reflecting way too much lately. I think sometimes I OVERTHINK things and just give myself a big headache.

Really, if I stop thinking and focusing so much I realize that life is good and things don't have to be perfect, they don't have to make perfect sense, I don't have to have a perfect plan.. .. .. I just have to follow my heart and have faith that it's all the way it's supposed to be. I find it much easier to deal with the ins and outs of life if I do that.

I think it's easy to get caught up in the past. To worry too much about the future. To forget that the present is only here for a short time. Why waste time worrying about everything else when the here-and-now is pretty dang good?

We cannot control the people around us. We cannot change ANYONE else. But if we learn and love through acceptance and patience then we can make the best of any situation.

A great, great friend posted a quote yesterday that was right what I needed, right when I needed it.. .. ..

"Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today."

32 Weeks!! 8 To Go!!

So yesterday was 32 weeks for this little girl and me!! I had a follow up after the little hospital visit last week. The doctor said I'm measuring right on track and everything looks great!! He decided to cut back my meds to every six hours instead of every four and so far that is still working great. I go back every TWO weeks now!! Next appointment is October 14 at 34 weeks. It's amazing how close we are getting now!!

ALMOST as exciting is the upcoming baby showers!! Next weekend - the 11th and 12th - we get to spend time with this little girls family and friends and celebrate her upcoming arrival. I am so excited about the showers, but moreso excited about seeing her family!! I am big enough and she is active enough that they'll definitely get to feel her and see how big she's getting (because I'm blaming the entire belly on her.... lol). I can't wait!!

Only eight more weeks and they'll be meeting their precious little daughter and baby sister!!!!!!!! YEA!!!