Really??

Last night was very interesting. I got a phone call that threw me a curve ball. It was F's ex ... no, not ex ... his girlfriend. Apparently they are back together and have been for the last three weeks. And she was just calling to confirm that he and I weren't together any more. Because, according to him, he hadn't seen or talked to me in weeks and I was "a big mistake" and he loved her and wants to be with her. So imagine her surprise when I tell her that he and I have never broke up and I just talked to him Tuesday night, saw him Monday night, and he spent Saturday evening with me for my birthday.. .. ..

Long story short, she and I had two long conversations last night to clear up many of the lies we were both told. She called him, he called me - completely denying everything she said and saying he loved me and we'd 'figure this out' when he got home, then she and I talked more.

The sad thing is, I think she'll keep him. I think she'll forgive him and stay with him. And that's so very sad for her. I remember being in her position a year ago, though, and thinking I would do the same. That I would take my ex back too. How weak and needy, to allow someone to treat you that way and still stay.. .. ..

What scares me, for me, is that I haven't cried. I don't feel this deep pain. I know I love(d) F. So why am I so numb to feeling? I am most pissed about being lied to. I gave him plenty of opportunity to tell me the truth. I asked him outright more than once if he was back with her, seeing any one else, or really wanted to be with me. The answers were always no and that he loved me. He wanted to marry me someday and have children ... yada, yada, yada poo. I am just irritated that I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I saw the best in him, and I treated him so good and got crapped on in return. I would hope that I would at least get an apology from him, but I am not sure he's capable of being man enough to give one. And, really, would I even believe it's sincerity?? Hmpf.

Oh well. Nothing can be done about it now. Yet another chapter closed.. .. ..

Cherish the ones you love. xoxo

You never know when you're number will be up, when your time is done. I wish I was with my F right now. He is in Utah, though. With his family, grieving the death of his sister. She was right around my age, with two young children of her own and a niece she was raising. She was out on ... of all days, Mother's Day ... ATV'ing with her husband and oldest son. The ATV rolled on her and crushed her. She died en route to the hospital. It wasn't anything they hadn't done a million times before.. .. .. It wasn't like she was skydiving or bungee jumping for the first time. It was just a freak, horrible accident.

And, even more heart wrenching, he's the third person close to me to lose a sibling in the last year. So much young life, so much tragedy.. .. ..

So remember to cherish the ones you love, because you'll never know when it's the last moments you'll have with them. "I love you" are the three most important words you can share, so do it.

And I learned a big lesson, not just about grieving, but about communication from F the other night. He said he's already tired of hearing "I'm Sorry". He said, "Why do people say that so often, not even just in the loss of someone, but in so many situations in life?? Say what you really mean." So I sat for a minute, figuring out what I really meant. And I told him, "I know you are hurting and grieving. I know that your heart is heavy. I want you to know I am here if you need me and will step away when you need space, and I'll always love you." He looked at me and said, "Perfect" and kissed me and I knew that what my heart felt was just what he DID want to hear.. .. ..

So I have made a commitment to use the words "I'm sorry" very sparingly now. I think too often we DO use it as a scapegoat to not confront how we really feel and not express ourselves fully. So unless I specifically do something that deserves an apology I will not say I'm sorry. I will take the extra few seconds to formulate my true thoughts and feelings and convey that. I think we could all benefit from that honesty.

So, remember to love those near to you and never take life for granted. Sometimes it really is much too short.. .. ..

Not the same person.. .. ..

One thing that I've really realized this past week is how much I am not the same person that I was this time last year. I think in a lot of ways it's good, but - as with anything in life - there's always a flip side of the coin.

For one, I am much more outspoken than I was a year ago. I stand up for myself and what I believe. I make my own decisions and stand firm in what I want for myself. It might not always be what's "right" for me (especially in the eyes of others) but it's what I want for that moment. And I can only learn from my own mistakes. I won't learn from being chastised or criticized. And I make no qualms in expressing my point of view. Unfortunately, that may hurt others. Which I do not do intentionally, but I won't hurt myself to spare someone else.

I spent entirely too much of my life trying to do everything "right" for everyone else in my life. To say the right things, do the right things, be the right things. I walked on glass too long and I have the scars to prove it.

I promised myself that I would never be that way again and I think that is causing hardship in some of my friendships. I don't think people know how to take me now. I am independent and secure and strong. I don't need others to lead me, I am my own leader. I value others opinions but I don't take them as the gospel and do what others think I should.

And I'm blatantly honest with people. I try and be tactful, however I think it's doing a disservice to not be honest with others. Even if it may hurt their feelings. Nothing is accomplished by sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending everything is okay.

Mostly, I am just my OWN person now. I march to my own drum and I stand up for myself. And not everyone will appreciate that, but I'm the only one that has to. I can't change that about me and I WOULDN'T. I don't ever want to be that weak, meager person I once was ... under the control of others and governed by the rest of the world and not myself.

I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings, but I do not apologize for being me and standing up for me. I am stronger and better than I have ever been and I just cannot apologize for that.

Logan's Good News!!

First, Logan had a gooood week at daycare!! Four out of five days with NO CORNERS!!!! Whoohooo!!! (you have no idea how happy I am about that)!!

But he got even better news this weekend.

So, part of the spread on Saturday night was a fondue bar. With marshmallows, bananas, pretzels ... and strawberries. Well, Logan has never been able to have strawberries. When he was younger he got some wicked (ER visit) reactions. So for years he has longed for a strawberry without satisfaction.

He begggggged on Saturday to have one. So the doctor had said when he got closer to 5 to try... so we tried a small sliver. Waited 10 minutes and he was okay. Gave him a little bigger piece and waited 30 minutes ... and he was okay!! So gave him a whole strawberry ... and he was okay!! I only let him have 3 strawberries that night (still was a little nervous), but he had NO reaction. He was dancing around all the rest of the night and weekend saying "I'm not allergic anymore!!!"

Yea for a summer of Strawberry Shortcake!!! Yummmmmy!!!

Bestest Birthday EVER!!

This weekend was so great. My best friend Nikki flew in for my birthday, which made it that much better. So, here's how it went, Cliff's Notes version.. .. ..

Friday
Woke up and got the kiddos off to school/daycare. Got breakfast to take out to the guys at work. Nikki got to see where I work and tour the poo-plant. = ) The guys had all pitched in and got me a carmel-apple cheesecake and a gift card to Jamba Juice!! Yummy!! We left there and went to have lunch with my friend Mary. It was an awesome lunch with my two bestest friends!! After lunch Nikki and I went shopping for the food for Saturday's party. Then we went and got pedicures. Ahhh, that was SO nice. So refreshing!! Friday night was softball... then...

We went out. I will just say I remember *some* of the night. I haven't drank so much (or been so sick) since my 21st. Glad it's the last time I will be drinking for a long time. But it was so awesome and so much fun. I had a great group with me - Nikki, Mary, Patience, Jeff, T.J. (my baby brother!!), and my friend Andrew. It was such a great time.

Saturday
I actually felt *okay*. Probably from purging all the night before. = ) We started straightening up then went to T-ball for Logan. He did well - as always - but we were ready to eat after! We went to my favorite place for Stromboli (yummy again) then headed home to cook, cook, cook. As always there was MORE than enough food. Saturday night we had a little over 20 people over. Mary's husband Ron bbq'd for me (yummy tri-tip) and Frank Sr. brought his signature potatoes and cheesy bread (oh my favorites). I did ONE jello shot and felt sick again, so no drinking for me. =) But we had such a great time. Kelly brought over her daughter Presley, who is almost one and getting so big (lub her). My friend Mandi, who I haven't seen in quite awhile, showed up with Kelly!! Erica came down with her girls from Mo-town!! All my favorite softball friends (minus Allison = ( ) came over. My mom, brother, Patience, and Jeff. F was there ... It was such a great time!!!

And I got some wonderful presents. F gave me a beautiful plant and a Van Morrison CD. Which is very special to the two of us and reminded me how much he does think of the small things. xoxo. Nikki gave me a beautiful frame with a picture of us and a nice wall hanging. And a pedicure. And food... she - as always - was too good for me. I got bath and body works stuff. An amazing, beautiful bracelet that Erica made for me and a picture. And a few gift cards and $$$. A beautiful sunflowers chime.

OH and the coolest present. Teehee. A gc for ... POLE DANCING CLASSES!!!! Hehehehe. I was talking to Mary about them one day and she, Tricia, and Sarah went in together and got me a gc. I am sooo excited. I will have to check it out soon to see when I can get in and do them. Soooo much fun!! Teehee

Sunday
We had a relaxing day on Sunday. We were kinda lazy in the morning, then headed up to San Fran around noon. We took the boys to the Exploratorium, which was a lot of fun. I think Logan was a little overwhelmed by all of it. He seemed to be just so amazed and in awe. After that we went to the wharf for dinner then it was time for Nikki to go to the airport. Which is always a sad point in the trip. = (

We had a good visit, though it was much too rushed. A lot for one little weekend. And I just want to sleep now. Early to bed this week for sure!!! But it was so worth it. It was the best birthday ever!!

It's MAY!

Okay, so it's been May for a week. But it's been a busy month so far, cut me some slack.

I am super-duper-overly excited about this weekend!!! My bff Nikki is flying in tomorrow night to spend the weekend with me. My BIRTHDAY weekend!! I will be 29, take 2 on Sunday! We have such a great weekend planned! Pedi's, softball, going out, big BBQ with my friends, SF.. .. .. Okay, I am getting old; just thinking about it makes me tired!! hehe

I am actually "okay" with the big birthday. I am not upset about the age. If I think too much about it, though, I get frustrated that this is NOT how I imagined my life at 30. SO not how I imagined it. But in order for it to be how I imagined it I would have to regress and be living as much less of a person than I am now. I wouldn't have the growth that I've had in the last year and I'd still be stagnant in my life. So I have to weigh that in and stay focused on all the good. And that definitely outweighs the rest.

I am NOT okay with birth control. Okay, yes, this is a weird sidebar. But I never realized how much I hated - and my body hates - bcp's. I was off of them - for the first time ... ever - for three months and I felt fantastic. Now, back on them for a WEEK and I feel homicidal. I am bitchy, crampy, irritable, bloated, bitchy, sore boobs, and bitchy (did I mention that one yet??!!). OH and NO sex drive. A few weeks ago I thought I was going to have to go to meetings. I mean, I thought it was just because of that 29, take 2 surge of hormones. BUT since on bcp the thought of s.e.x. makes me cringe. So now I am wondering if my lack of sex drive for, oh, the last NINE years was actually bcp's??!! (sorry, I know that was TMI, but this is MY blog). Anyways, hopefully I won't be on them long and I can go back to sane again. Yes, I know that's a relative word with me.

OH, Logan has had a GOOD week at daycare!! WootWoot. He had NO corners on Monday, five yesterday, NONE today. So we'll just pretend Tuesday didn't happen. = ) The daycare has moved, so I think he's adjusting. But overall he's doing so much better. And he LOVES T-ball. He is so flippin' cute out there!! I love going to his games. My lil' champ!

Jonah is doing well, definitely winding down now at the end of the year. He is getting excited and anxious for school to be over and to head off to his dads. It still hasn't completely hit any of us, I don't think. But I am sure it will soon. I feel good about letting him go, though. He's a big kid and it's time to let him explore himself and answer the questions he has. He's a good kid and I have faith he'll do just fine.

I am doing really well, besides the bitchiness. F and I are doing ... okay. Things have definitely slowed way down, which is a good thing. I am not sure what direction we'll go but I am okay with where we stand ... for now. I know, I'm not making much sense, sorry. I guess I'm just not sure where I want to go from here with him or anyone right this second. I *think* I know what I want, but I find myself somehow preventing that from happening. So maybe I'm not as ready as I think or maybe *someones* grand plan isn't the same as mine right now. But I am at peace to just sit back and see where I go.

At least work is going really well. No loss of job, so that's a positive thing. I do have a lot going on ... I could burst at the seams I am so flippin' excited about some of it!! To sum it up, though, I am at peace. I feel like I'm right where I am supposed to be. I am walking the path laid out for me and I have faith good things are waiting along this trail. I am fundamentally happier than I ... maybe have ever been. I have goals and direction and complete peace, which is something one can only hope to achieve. So, I'm going to enjoy it. And enjoy the ride for a bit.

That said, there is ONE lil' aspect that I'm finding a realllly hard time with having patience with. That is one virtue I cannot master. Seriously, can things go any slower (rofl, really, in this case that's so far from true). It's true though, the more you want the phone to ring or the email to pop up or something to happen the longer it seems to take. Again, making no sense ... sorry. = )

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is cleaning and a trip to SF to the airport!! Whoo-freakin'-hoo!!!

Holy Poop

It's really been almost a month since I last posted?? No wonder Cyn called me out!! ((Hi Cyn!!))

Wow, I knew I'd been slacking, but not that much. I guess things have just been so hectic and busy that time slipped by. Hmph.

Well, things are going really well on my end of the world. The boys are doing good. Jonah had last week off for Spring break and is back into the swing of things this week. Logan has his good days and his bad days, which I've come to accept as normal for him. We're working on it and he is doing better.

Easter was good. I actually made Easter lunch and had my family over. We had ham, mashed potato's, green bean casserole, and banana pudding. It was a really good lunch and I was proud to have done it all by myself. After lunch the kids and I went with F out to his friends house. The boys were in heaven!! Other kids to play with!! LOL. We stayed for a few hours. Logan went swimming (yes, it was warm enough here, isn't that crazy??!!). Jonah played basketball with all the big boys (they are not men on the court, lol). And I got to meet all the other wives and significant others and start to meld into F's world. It was very nice.

The night before Easter we had an absolute blast. We went down to the Fresno Grizzlies (minor-league baseball) game!! It was so much fun!!! Logan's girlfriend Tatum (and her grandparents, my very close friends) went with us. Jonah's friend Kyle came along too. We all loaded into my car (which I LOVE by the way ... so nice to all ride together). The kids had an absolutely awesome time, dancing and cheering and laughing all night. It was such a treat!!

Other than those big highlights, things are just moving along nicely. There have been the normal ups and downs, but nothing worth getting worked up over. Which I guess is the biggest thing of all. In the last few weeks I have really realized how different I am now than I was this time last year.

How much stronger I am as a person. Little things don't bother me like they used to. I can shrug off things that used to rile me up. I take less for granted and appreciate the little things more. I am at peace and feel good about where I'm at. I am so much stronger than I was. I can handle so much more without the stress and worry. I am at a really really good place.

Maybe that's why I haven't blogged. ((NOT a good reason, I know)). I started this blog to help me through a very difficult time. To work through all the stress, anxiety, and fears. I am so much more at peace now. Maybe it's time for the blog to morph into a celebration of all the good instead of a ponderance of all that is. That was deep, huh?? LOL

Now that I expelled the last of the braincells of the morning ... Be back SOON!!!