Called out.

Erica called me out. That I haven't been blogging. And I know why I haven't. I can't hide from myself if I blog. Writing it out makes me really think about it and focus on it. And avoidance is much easier.

Things really aren't bad. Just so many unknowns right now that are driving me a little batty.

First, this stupid house. I mean, I do love my house. I want to keep it. But trying to get anyone to help you refinance is like pulling teeth. Especially if you're not in default. And I am having a hard time not paying the mortgage. I can't do it with a clear conscious. SO I will work on it more this week. It's just so frustrating and not knowing what will happen compounds that.

Second, my health. I have just been so tired. Preliminary blood work shoes possible mono. MONO?? Ugh. BUT here's the kicker. The less I do the worse I feel. The more I do the better I feel. Not supposed to be like that with mono. OH and I can't stop losing weight and we don't know why. Seriously, I am tired of losing weight. I know that sounds stupid to some, but it's to the point of worrying me. 10 pounds in 7 days ... not good. I have plateaued again, so hopefully this is it.

Third, my heart. Farfigpoopin. So I am seeing someone. For not too long now. But I like him. Really like him. But ... I don't know. I doubt EVERYTHING. I wonder what this means or doesn't mean. I deconstruct everything thats said. If he does contact me, if he doesn't. What he says. What he does. What that means or doesn't mean. I constantly want to run and protect myself. But then I see him or talk to him and don't want to go anywhere. It's just so frustrating. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do. I just don't even want to think about it. I'm just .. .. .. scared.

Besides that, everything is just on spin cycle. Sometimes I am not sure what is up and what is down. I don't even know what to say. ME!! Not knowing what to say. I think that says it all. I just want peace and clarity and it's being awful elusive.. .. ..

Happy.. .. .. Really HAPPY

There have been many times in the last few months that I thought I would never get to this point. That I would never feel genuine, in and out, happiness. But here I am, a smile on my face, a smile in my heart, feeling HAPPY.

Things aren't going perfect. I have had some situations I had to deal with. But I have learned the skills I needed to handle them. I was honest and upfront. I didn't compromise myself to make anyone else happy. I held true to myself and was sensitive to others while being loyal to my needs. And it felt GOOD and it was EFFECTIVE. And I knew, then, that I had grown so much. That I have learned the lessons I needed and I am the person I have so long strived to be. I knew that I was going to make it and be stronger and better than ever.

Since then things have just been falling in place. I am maintaining boundaries with some, building wonderful relationships with others, and loving myself and my boys more than ever. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I am not stressing about what will happen next and where I am going. I have faith that things will work out how they should. I am confident in myself and the strength I have.

I talked to the ex the other day on the phone.... and it went WELL. We didn't fight at all, we talked business and then were even able to talk about general stuff. We laughed and we joked a little and it felt GOOD. I no longer harbored anger or hurt ... I was fine. And that was fantastic.

For the first time in a very long time I am happy. I don't delusion myself to think it'll always be this good, but if it is even 80% of the time I'm good. And, more than anything, I have the confidence to know I can handle anything that life throws my way.

I am happy. Really, really happy!

Good times.. .. ..

Ah, this weekend was a good weekend. Actually, Friday was good and it's just carried over .. .. ..

Work was great Friday. It was payday Friday, which has it's own traditions at work. I always pick up cinnamon rolls from an awesome local bakery and we typically bbq. Friday held true to form with scrumptious burgers for lunch. The day was very low-key. I finished up copies of reports for end-of-year for the most part. We did get a new (to us) little meter-maid car to get around the site. So, of course, we all had to try it out. OMS, those things can go 80mph. NO we didn't prove that true, but they can. They have some major power. If we got a few more we could totally do lap races around the site! haha. We also have had some equipment down and a new building put up, so I went around and checked it all out. It was definitely a good Friday at work.. .. ..

After work I had quite the hustle-and-bustle.. .. ..I had my counseling appointment, which went fantastic. Then I was off to get my kids AND my friends kids. We were all meeting up later, but they had a dinner to go to, so I was on kiddo duty. SO I ran all over, got the kids, got them all fed, and headed off to a friends for her son's going away party. As always, we had a good time, but it was bittersweet. Her son is going off to the Army, and of course we're all nervous and excited for him. He and I have become good friends, as his daughter is one of Logan's "girlfriends". So it was tough telling him goodbye.. .. ..

Saturday was a very good day. I got motivated and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. It felt good to take care of the little things that needed to be done. The only thing left now is the bathrooms. I HATE cleaning bathrooms. Ew. But they'll be done tomorrow and the house will be all spic-and-span again. Love that.

Saturday afternoon and evening were awesome. Today is my friends birthday, so us girls went out to celebrate last night. We went up to Black Oak casino for a little gambling and girl time. Though we only ended up gambling 30 minutes of a six-hour stay. Go figure. We had the BEST time eating and talking and drinking. And bowling! That was a hoot. I am really lucky to have a group of amazing, funny, happy friends to surround myself with. It's never a dull time with them.. .. .. We got home about 2 a.m. (left at 3 p.m.!!!) and I spent a little time with Mom (my ex-MIL) before heading off to bed. That was a really nice night-cap, as we haven't spent much time together lately. (we also talked some on Sunday ... it was really nice. I am hoping we can get together and just chat soon.. .. ..)

And then there was today. I was dog-butt tired when I woke up. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. BUT I am glad that I did. I took the boys up to Sacramento for lunch with surrogate friends. It was so nice to see Cyn (hi!) and visit with her. It's amazing how fast pregnancy seems to go when it's not yours!! She looked fantastic and ALMOST made me want a preggo belly again....Almost. LOL. I hadn't seen Melissa in a looong time, so it was fun to chat (and share ice cream and cookies... yum). I met some new faces to me, though I've seen them in the surro world for awhile. It's ALWAYS nice to put faces with names.. .. ..
The boys were awesome. I was so proud of them. They sat for two hours, playing their DS's, and behaving like good little men. I am so lucky.. .. ..

After lunch we headed home and crashed out. We watched the rest of the Super Bowl, then just a few minutes of TV before they went off to bed. I had all intentions of going to bed, but got sidetracked. Good sidetracked. So, I thought I'd update the blog, share the goodness (?) of the weekend, and settle in for another GOOD week. Yes, I predict good and will make it happen. It's a busy week, so off to catch my beauty sleep (need all I can get, lol).. .. ..

On The Shelf.. .. ..

I heard a Motivational Speaker this weekend who made things make a lot of sense. Here's the story.. .. ..

People and Pottery

When making pottery, it's a long process. There are a lot of steps involved to make sure each piece turns out in good quality.

The first step is choosing the clay. A piece is picked out of thousands of possible pieces. Colors are different, thickness, size.. .. ..

Second, you mold the clay. Adding water and gently guiding the clay into the figure you intend for it to be.

Third, you pull all the imperfections out. Pieces of grass, dirt, rocks, that are embedded in the clay. If you don't pull these out then when put in the kiln the clay will break and crack. So you pull those out then continue to mold and clean, mold and clean.

After that the clay has to dry before going into the kiln. Again, to prevent cracking and breaking. The mold you made has to sit and slowly let the moisture out and dry to a strong level to withstand the flames of the kiln. Only once that's been accomplished can you successfully go through the fire and come out a beautiful piece of art afterwards.

Still with me??

So, we are all a slab of clay. Our lives mold us. We add to our lives, like the water, to help us grow and help shape us. We pick up potential hazards. Like the grass and rocks, we have pain and hurt. We have character flaws like jealousy, anger, stubborness.. .. .. All things we must pull out of ourselves and must heal. The things that if we don't heal and don't pull out will break us in the fires of life.

And then we must sit still and let it all dry in. Let it just be. Take our time before combatting the next fire and make sure we're ready for that. Ready to become the piece of art we're intended to be.

Once we enter the fire we'll be ready. The fire can be anything substantal in life. Maybe it's something bad. For me, last years break up was a horrible horrible fire that I was NOT prepared for and I broke. I shattered into many pieces because I was not ready for the fire.

Maybe the next kiln I enter will be a great one. Maybe it'll be a beautiful relationship. Maybe it'll be moving. Who knows what's in store for me.

But I wholeheartedly believe that the last seven months I was a ball of wet clay. Being molded, working out the imperfections, growing, nuturing, healing. And now I sit and dry. I allow everything I have learned to soak in. I practice the skills and qualities I want to master. I sit, patiently growing, knowing that in taking my time I am enabling myself to stregnthen through whatever fire I may find myself in. But I do NOT want to jump into any fire or rush anything. I understand the importance of healing by myself on the shelf.. .. ..

I do not want to crack again. I do not want to crumble. So if that means sitting on the shelf for a little longer and continuing to just BE, then I am more than happy to sit here. And it's not so scary and not so lonely when you know it's not the end - sitting on the shelf - but really it's just the best possible beginning .. .. ..

What am I "supposed" to do??!!

Yea, that's about it. Wow. See, I thought I was doing better. Seriously, I thought I was. My post yesterday, about the Chinese New Year... honestly, it was all good-hearted and good spirited. So it says my year will suck. Maybe so. I'll take it in stride if so. I wasn't upset, I didn't feel defeated. I actually just kinda felt like, "hmmm, so that's what's in store".

Apparently, though, I'm self-pitying. And I'm not dealing with life. And I'm not as strong as I should be. Hmmm.

I guess I am self-pitying. I am pissed. I am so angry that everything I worked towards - good credit, a family, a home - is all gone or going quickly. I'm hurt that I am bearing the consequences of others poor decisions. I am frustrated that my life - and that of my children - will continue to be impacted for at least seven more years by choices I had no choice in making. So, if that's self-pity so be it... Make me a button and I'll stick it on my shirt.

I asked nicely for a little consideration and help. And I may actually get some mercy. I am definitely not holding my breath, but just to be heard and considered was nice. Could it possibly be that I WON'T have to live with the consequences of others actions for years to come??? Maybe?? Probably not, but at least I tried and at least I asked.

My point... I'M TRYING. No, not everything is done in court yet. One, time. I have a lot going on and a lot on my mind. Maybe that's just an excuse, who knows. Two, I get burnt out. Frustrated, irritated, burnt out. And so I take a step back. Is that right/wrong? Who knows, but it's what I do. I have finally looked into what my options are with this house (limited to NONE). I am asking around though, getting creative. I am finally accepting that I may just have to find somewhere to rent and let this house (and my credit) go. I could not accept that less than a month ago. But now I'm facing that and looking at other avenues and options.

And, NO, I am not tackling dating like I "should". Yes, I'm running avoidance. Yes, I'm letting the good guy go and settling for the good-enough. Yes, I'm hiding. That's all I can do for now. That's all my heart is capable of. That's where I am right now and it's okay with me. Why would I want to try and date when I am so obviously not ready and hurt more people than I already am?? What would be the point?? I am NOT ready. Is it really better to be out there dating a million people when you aren't even ready than to just BE for a bit???

So maybe I'm not moving as fast as I should be, but I am doing the best I know how. Maybe I'm not getting stuff done that I should, but I cannot swallow it all whole. Maybe I'm still taking baby steps when I guess I should be leaping over canyons. But I'm doing the best I can. And if my best isn't good enough.. .. ..

I wish I had the quick fix. I wish I had all the answers. Until then I just have to go through it. And I will make mistakes. A lot of mistakes, obviously. But until someone can provide me with all the right answers and the freakin' manual on how to do this "right" then this is what I will do. I will make my mistakes, hopefully learn from them. I will get things done at the pace I am most comfortable with. And I will live the best I know how because it's better than not living at all and better than giving up. And if it's still not good enough, then so be it. But it's better than nothing at all. And THAT is what I hold on to. THAT is my inspiration. Because whether people see it or not, I AM better off this month than last, and moreso than the month before that. At least I FEEL now. I am not so freaking numb and dead. I am finally feeling alive again. And that is ALL I can ask for right now.

Off to bed to cry and yell and scream some more. And guess what?? Pick it all up and start all over again tomorrow with determination, drive, and conviction. Because, believe it or not, that's how I'm doing these days.. .. ..

Year of the Ox

So I read my Chinese horoscope for the new year. It says I'll have five okay months and seven bad months and that 2010 looks better for me. Well, I guess at least now that I know I won't be so disappointed.

Thus far the Chinese are right on for me. This month has been almost comedic. First I get a cold. Realize I'm going to lose the house soon. Giving in to avoid fighting, as always me giving in and losing out. Frustrated with people. Frustrated with life. Lo's been in LOTS of trouble. Jo doesn't want to do anything for school. Can't sleep. Always tired. AF for five weeks. Now getting bloodwork done for all that. Tendenitis .. .. .. OH and I have pink eye now.

Seriously? Seriously??

But you know what? It's okay. Because the Chinese prepared me to know this year would be like this. That this year will challenge me and shape me and mold me for a better year NEXT year. Heck, it even acknowledged that last year was bad and I was hoping for a good year! BUT NO ... not going to happen.

LOL, I can't help but laugh. Yes, I do know it's not real. Maybe. So I will just work harder to try and MAKE this year better.

Or at least bearable.. .. .. Ah, my life.. .. ..

Feeling a Bit ... Lost

It just kinda hit me this week. I think I've been riding a high and this week it's all just mellowed down. I haven't lost my positive outlook, but I think I am reassessing. I think I wanted it all and wanted it NOW and am now realizing all good things come to those who wait. Corny? Yes. But true. It seems the more I want things, the more I try and rush things, the more screwed up they get. I have never been a very patient person, so learning to slow down and have faith is a challenge. I am also in a sticky situation with someone that is weighing heavily on me. It's an impossible situation, and I know I need to just step back and remove myself from potential pain, but it's easier said than done.

I am also tired of being nice and being used, yet I cannot muster the meanness to make it stop. So I continue to let it happen. My boys and I will be on the losing end, as always it seems lately, but at least I'll still have my self-respect. I made a promise and going back on it seems wrong. Though I have no legitimate reason to care. Unfortunately, the benefiting party(ies) have no conscience and no appreciation for it ... but that's not why we are nice and why we are decent people, right? As long as we can be at peace with our self.

And I hate hurting people, but I think I have to in one situation.. .. ..

And, well, sometimes I just feel worn out. Being a single mom is NOT easy and a break would be nice from time to time. But it's near impossible to get a sitter it seems. Don't get me wrong, I love the boys and love spending time with them, but a break from time to time is nice. Next weekend I get an afternoon/evening away. I will have to enjoy it to the fullest. LOL.

Anyways, I think this has maybe been my whiniest post yet. To top it off my cold isn't gone and I've been nauseated all day. (NO, I'm NOT pregnant, lol... ) And the wet, dreary weather doesn't help.

Good news is I'm going to Vegas in March!!! YEA, something to look forward to!!!

Until I'm in a better disposition.. .. ..