Ramblings.. .. ..

Not sure what else to title this one. Yes, I'm at a loss of words. Worn out I guess.

This weekend was fairly good, though. On Saturday I took the boys to see Hotel for Dogs. It was actually a very cute movie. I haven't liked the last few 'kid' movies I have seen (Space Chimps... omg, torture)... But this movie was really cute. It was so cute to hear all the kids cheering and clapping and giggling at different parts of the movie. And it ranged from little kids to teens. Heck, I was even laughing through parts of it. Though I'm still not sure what I enjoyed more, the movie or splurging on the calories and having popcorn and a coke freeze.. .. ..

That evening we went to my (ex) BIL's to hang out. It's weird, I'm not really sure what to call him. A friend of theirs stopped by and he wasn't sure what to call me either. I guess it's probably not normal for the ex-inlaws to hang out with you. I think the awkwardness of not knowing "who" I was kinda made it real that I don't really fit there anymore. I love spending time with them and still consider them my family and friends, but I guess I'm starting to wonder if they feel the same or if they just feel bad for me. And I don't want any pity. Mom was acting differnt. I am pretty sure that she had a great visit with the ex and the new wifey last weekend and I am ... well, being replaced. Which is the natural order of things. Just has me wondering if I've been holding on too tight to something that should just be let go. Again, I don't want any relationships in my life to be out of pity. I guess I should talk to them, just don't have the courage right now .. .. ..

Anywho, rambling ... we ate pizza and watched a horrible movie together. Mom knows how to pick them. LOL. We watched Burn After Reading with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. It was so scatterbrained and ... weird. We laughed and tried to find SOME moral of the story at the end. Not sure we came up with anything good.. .. ..

Sunday the boys and I went to church. It had been a little while, and it was awful good to be back. The message was exactly what I needed to hear and I left feeling better about things. The boys seemed happy to go, too, and we ARE going to make a concerted effort to make it each week.

After church we went to the park. It has been in the mid-high 60's and sunny, so we took advantage of it. The boys ran around for a bit, then it started to cool off so we left. We did some grocery shopping and got all the needs for the weeks menu.

OH I also got something very very very important.. .. .. the sign-up forms for T-Ball for Logan!!! Yea!! We'll sign him up next week and the league starts in March. He is so excited, and so am I. I love watching the kids play. It's so flippin' cute. Then in August soccer starts!! Yea for kids sports!! I can't wait to see how he does and if he enjoys it (fingers crossed).

Today has just been a lazy day. Yes, I am a blessed government employee who has a three-day weekend. We have all been lazy around the house, though I had plenty to do. I really need to clean out my closet. I need to get all the maternity clothes out (and sold, they won't fit again) and make more room for my new clothes. I love that I have lost the weight, but it sure breaks the budget when you have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Even when shopping clearance... ugg. Oh well.. .. ..

Any volunteers to clean the closet???? .. .. ..

Indifference.. .. ..

Indifference is an interesting thing. I cannot refer to it as an emotion, as there is no emotion attached to it. It's almost a level of numbness without all the depression numbness might bring. You don't feel anything. No love, no hate, no sympathy, no anger ... nothing. It's just ... indifference. I would definitely not want to feel this way about many people. It's not a good feeling by any means, but it's peaceful. My counselor has been talking to me for MONTHS about how much better I would feel when I hit that point with the ex. After this last weekend, I made it there. Today we spoke on the phone and I felt ... nothing. She asked why I was always so mad at her and I told her that given the circumstances she shouldn't have to ask. But, honestly, I wasn't mad ... I just didn't care. I felt no emotion. And part of me is sincerely sad for that. Because she has always meant so much to me. And, locked inside, probably will. But a large part of me was ecstatic. I finally made it through a conversation without crying, without vomiting, without the nervousness, and without the pain. I don't need time to recover from it and I don't feel ... anything. And THAT feels good. There is hope there that I am really on my way upward without more backsliding. That I am making it through and, hell, may be on the other side of this.

For a long time, too, I was angry and upset that I "wasted" 8.5 years. If this is how it was going to turn out then why did it ever happen? Why didn't we end it a long time ago? Why go through all we did to end up here?

But I have no regrets now. Not about us being together anyways. I have made peace with the things I did wrong. I have forgiven myself and learned from the mistakes and how not to make them again. I have recognized and acknowledged the faults in our relationship that lead to its end. I recognize the traits that I will and will not tolerate in a partner. The qualities I want someone to have and those I will not accept. I have a better understanding of me and of the person I will end up with. I think things through better, evaluate all angles, and - most importantly - stand up for myself. I will not compromise myself, I will not change myself. I will not save anyone and don't want to be saved. I simply want to be me.

My ex would tell you I was the most selfish, self-centered bitch she's ever known. I heard it more than once, not only since the breakup, but during the relationship too. The problem was I had given up so much of me that when I started doing for me again and being my own person again she couldn't stand it. When she wasn't the center of it all, when there was life beyond what made her happy, she couldn't be happy anymore. She took it as I didn't love her anymore. In reality, I was loving her more and more because I was also loving myself again. When you don't love yourself you cannot love anyone else fully and you can't be truly happy either.. .. ..

I guess that's the one thing I WILL retain from this.. (Not HOPE to, WILL...) .. You have to love yourself before you can fully love anyone else. You have to know who you are. Enjoy your own company. Know what you like/don't like. Have hobbies. BE YOURSELF. And, most importantly, don't lose or compromise those things because of who you are with. Yes, relationships are about compromise, but not about compromising yourself. The right person will see you for who you are and accept you right there. They won't want or need anything from you to be happy. That's the other key, making sure they are at the same place as you. No rescuing or needing to be rescued. Just appreciation of each other.

Ugh, once again the post got off track. I guess it was appropriate I named my blog with the word "ramblings" ... I sure seem to do it a lot. But, the more I do the more the ramblings start to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle and I am slowly getting a deeper realization of who I am and what this twisted mess means. And, finally, I am confident that I am becoming a bigger and better person and in the end this will all be worth it for me to develop ME. The tools that I have learned will help me to do that. Indifference is the latest to be implemented, but my hope is that I continue to learn and grow. And be the person I am meant to be, live the life I am meant to lead .. .. ..

You take the good, you take the bad.. .. ..

You take them both and there you have
The facts of life, the facts of life.. .. ..

Sing it with me!! HAHA. Oh this week has had it's share of both.

First, the bad.
1. The cold. I have been fighting a cold for a week and I think it won. I am conceding and going to the doctors today. My ears are hurting today, so it's time to do more than tylenol cold. I hate being sick. Hate it. So, instead of continuing to whine, I'm just going to go in. And hopefully feel better soon. Luckily the boys haven't even shown hints of getting sick, so hopefully I'll just keep it to myself.

2. Logan. He has been ... awful ... this week. I am pretty sure I know why. He acted the same way the last time he had a weekend like this past weekend. As always, I am left to deal with the consequences of others actions. UGH. He has been acting up A LOT at daycare, talking back to me, being rude and nasty and mean, and just downright ugly. I hate having to get tough with him, but otherwise he doesn't listen at all. So I can't give him any "chances" and have to be harsh. Which is hard for me, but it's even harder having to hear Miss C tell me how bad he's been ALL DAY LONG. Yesterday he had so many corners she couldn't keep count or remember what they were all for. He didn't want to eat last night, so he went to bed without dinner. He got up three times, spanked and put back in bed three times. I keep telling myself he WILL learn, but gosh I hate the interim period until he does. Hopefully he'll straighten up again soon. It's wearing on me!

3. Jonah. He is hormonal and going through it. I think that sums it up. LOL. He isn't wanting to do more than bare minimum for school.... he doesn't know if he wants to move now, because he doesn't want to try and make friends.... he doesn't want to do GATE next year because 'I might have to interview or write an essay, and that's too much' (ugh)... He doesn't want to read because 'I just don't like it'... Oh mercy. And this is just the beginning of puberty and hormones and the craziness.. .. .. Lord help me.

The good
1. Family Time. It's still going well. Last night I made homemade lasagna and the kids liked it (Lo just refused to eat to be a butt). The night before we had steak and noodles and broccoli (Lo's favorite). Jonah says I should be chef. Ha!! But they are eating well. I do miss leftovers. Seems no matter how much I make it's gone.. .. .. growing boys. LOL.

2. Wii Fit. 'Nuff said. That thing is awesome. I am telling ya, exercise is good for the body and mind. Even with a cold I force myself to do it and feel a ton better afterwards. Well, at least besides the cold. LOL.

3. Friendships. I have been nurturing my friendships more and I think they are blooming nicely. Its nice to be surrounded by love and support and POSITIVITY. It's nice to be accepted just as you are and meet others where their at. Good stuff, I tell ya.

4. EIGHT WEEKS!! That's how old baby K is today! J emailed me to tell me she's laughing and kicking her legs, flailing her arms. She loves music and sounds to be very happy. It's so wonderful to have a continued relationship with them and get updates. I feel so blessed to be part of something so very special.

So, like I said, ya take the good and the bad, and there's the facts of life. And it's always better when the GOOD outweighs the bad. Now to just kick the cold.. .. ..

Know-It-All-Friends.. .. ..

Oh I'm sure you have them too, don't lie. The friends that know-it-all ... that can tell you everything that they know and it'll make life all better??!! Yea, I have those friends.. .. ..

And I feel soooooo lucky!! ROFL. You thought I'd bitch about it, huh? Nope. Not at all. I love having friends who can give me that been-there-done-that point of view. Who can take personal experience and give you insight on how to heal and grow. The friends that can say "I see it going this way" and - even though you know it already and maybe hate it - it's a nice dose of reality. Or, heck, even the occasional "I told you so" or "I knew better" is okay.

Why?

Because we know they care. I know that my friends truly care for me. They would do anything for me, and me anything for them. Only a true friend can think "dang, this might really piss her off" and say it anyways. Only a true friend will be brutally honest with you, even if it might sting. Only a true friend will love you anyways and still be there for you. Even if they DO throw in an "I told you so".

Really, this world is too full of people who will tell you what you want to hear to make you like them. The sugar-coating gives me cavities and I am so tired of it. I have been burned by those people, the ones that cater to whatever you want or need to hear. Ultimately, all they are out for is themselves. And the facade can only last so long.. .. ..

In my opinion, a good friend shoots from the hip. Telling you everything you want to hear doesn't do you any favors. Being honest and forthcoming is the best thing a human can do for another human.

For having sooo much in common, my best friend and I do not agree on a lot lately. She has had to tell me that she doesn't approve or doesn't agree more times than not. She has had to give me reality slaps and make me look at the hard angles of things I'd rather ignore. She has ignored me for as long as she could (maybe a few hours?? lol) to try to NOT say something that might hurt me. But I don't think she understands how much it means to me that she DOESN'T always agree with me. That she WILL give me her opinion. That she challenges me, questions me, and holds me accountable. I can say without hesitation SHE and her friendship have helped form who I am today and have made me a better person. Her love, her honesty, her soul have been such a blessing to me.

Others have reached out and pushed me along.. .. .. Erica, Sarah, Andrea, Jacy, Christy, Heather, Cyn, Amber.. .. .. you ALL have made an impact on me. Beyond what you will even know. Thank you all for that.

Ah, hell, this has turned into a mushy awards-acceptance-speech. Which of you want to smack me?? lol. I blame PMS.. .. .. my story and I'm sticking to it.

Anywho, seriously, friends are best when they are raw and real. And I am beyond blessed with some of the best in the bunches. Remember, friends will appreciate you more when you tell it like it is .. .. .. Love doesn't lie!! ((HUGS)) to all the greatest of friends of mine!!

Realized something.. .. ..

I need to update my blog more!! ROFL. I realllly want to update at least every other day, even if it's randomness, and I really need to set aside the time to do it. Otherwise I end up with marathon, rambling posts. Like this one will be. hehe, I warned you.. .. ..

So, last week was good. Work went well and I'm getting back into the swing of things better than I thought I would. The guys were kind enough to keep a bug for me, so I've been battling a cold for a week now. Tylenol Severe Cold *may* be working, fingers crossed.. .. ..

Saturday was ... ugh ... a day. Honestly, it's not even worth giving the attention to in my journal. I am so beyond other people's stupidity, self-centered attitude, and childishness that's it's not worth a second thought. Jo and Lo are having a little bit of a rough time, but we'll make it through. We always do, and seem to be easier each time and they seem to be stronger each time. Really, that's ALL that matters.

I have been having a great time with the boys. Jo and I are talking a lot more. He's been telling me all about camp (he had a fantastic time), the girl he has a crush on, his deep emotional feelings on the ex, and other odds-and-ends he thinks of. My new *thing* is no TV until after dinner, if at all. I turn on the radio while I'm cooking and the boys can play toys or hang out with me. It's really developing a stronger relationship between the three of us and seems to bring more joy in the house. I know I am enjoying it and the boys seem to as well.

We have also been spending time together playing Wii. Lo is quite the bowler!! LOL. We have a blast and it gets us all involved together. I am doing well at at least that resolution!

Another I'm doing well at is taking time for my body. I have been doing Wii Fit religiously. And, boy howdy, it's kicking my butt!! I have dropped two pounds and another pant size, though I refuse to go buy more clothes, and a four seems toooo small to me. So I am going to check out some websites to find out how to maintain my weight AND exercise. I am already feeling definition in my stomach, thighs, and buns, and I LOVE IT. I am definitely feeling better about my body than I have in a loooong time. I can look in the mirror and think "not bad". hehe.

Overall I am feeling great. I really feel on-track right now and I am committed to continuing in the right direction. I think I'm making progress, and others comment on it too. One day, one step at a time, right??

And more blogging!!!

Off With a Bang!

So, my New Years has started off good! Because I'm determined it will be!!

Thursday I did nothing all day. I don't think I could have if I'd really even tried. I had such a fantastic time on N.Y.E. with my closest of friends. My abs hurt so much from laughing!! The kids had a great time running around with the other kids and playing games and finally konking out shortly after midnight. I woke up on January 1 feeling renewed and hopefully and ... happy.

Friday was a great day, too. I had my six-week post-partum check up. My doctor was shocked to see me so "tiny" as he said. I made him say it again, just to hear it. LOL. According to their scale I officially lost 36 lbs!!! My blood pressure is back to normal - yeehaw!! AND my inners look perfect. He said I am good to get pregnant whenever I want. Not on the agenda any time real soon, but good to know all is well. And since the VBAC was such a success there should be no reason to not do it again! Good news all around!!

I had lunch with one of my favorite people. She is so ... real. It's refreshing and I always enjoy getting together with her (and the girls!!). Lunch was fun and then it was off to home. Lo was at daycare so I decided to surprise Jo with an afternoon movie date. So we went to see Bedtime Stories together. It was a very very cute movie. I enjoy Adam Sandler anyways, but this was quite good. Afterwards we got Logan and came home to crash for the evening.

Saturday was fun. We went to the mall to get me a pair of jeans that fit better. All my 8's were baggy, so I picked up Levi's in a 6 and they are perfect. I needed them for my night out!! hehe. The boys were gone overnight so my friend S and I went out! We went to Applebees for dinner... poor S, I made her watch the Colts with me. Then we hit up a couple bars and had a good ol' time. I ran into some old friends and did a lot of laughing and dancing. I got home about one and passed out - IN MY BED - and slept really good.

Sunday I took the boys to breakfast after I picked them up, then we were lazy at home. We watched football together and I got suckered into Space Chimps after dinner. It was fun, though, hanging out with the boys.

Today, oh today. It was my first day back to work. First FULL TIME day in months. But I made it through and actually got A LOT done. I missed work, missed my peeps. I am very lucky that I love what I do and who I work with. So the day went by fairly well.

Tonight was a milestone. Jo and I packed his bags for 6th grade camp. He has all his necessities, all the snow gear.. .. .. I remember going to camp so vividly. Heck, I liked it so much I went back in High School as a counselor! It's such a right-of-passage, such a huge time in their lives. And my baby will be going tomorrow. I have heard him get up to the bathroom three times. He cannot sleep, he's so nervous. He said he will miss us and got a little nervous lip, but I think once he's there he will have so much fun. I am sending a camera, hopefully he'll remember to use it! I just hope he enjoys every minute of it. I am so excited for him!!

So, that's my year so far. Okay, yea, it's only been 5 days but I am excited that it's been a good 5 days. And I'm determined the next five, and the five after that .... will all be as good. I have learned a lot, grown a lot, in the last seven months and I'm hoping that will help me to make the best of the new year and new opportunities!!

Now off to bed for me ... another full time day tomorrow!! lol.. .. ..

Happy New Year!!

And that's all I can muster up for today!!

And it took me until almost 5:00 to even be able to do that!!

ROFL.. .. ..