Sometimes People Touch Our Lives.. .. ..

Sometimes we meet people and they leave permanent marks on our hearts. You may only know them for a moment or maybe for years, but their impact will be felt forever. When you meet someone you don't know how long they'll be in your life, but you learn in time to appreciate each moment you're given.

I bring this up because my best friend from work came up to me today and told me that no matter where our lives take us I'll always be special to him, always hold a special place in his heart. We have been so close over the last four years. Him being there for me and me for him through relationship issues. We laugh together. Cried. Just been good friends. And he's right. No matter what, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I just met someone who makes me smile. Who makes me think there is life after this breakup. And forever I'll be greatful for that. For that renewed hope, that renewed alive feeling.

There are so many people who I can say have made a difference, who have touched my soul in some way and I will never be the same. How lucky we are to have those opportunities. I am glad I was reminded today of how special, how real, our connections can be in our life and how blessed we are.. .. ..

Baby Fix and Best of Friends.. .. ..

First, Friday I got my baby fix!! My friend from work had her baby 5 days after Baby K was born. We had a retirement lunch for the boss Friday and she brought her little girl, Brooklyn. She is ADOREABLE!! I immediately stole her, of course. It was so sweet, cuddling and snuggling her. I took her for a good thirty minutes. Her little baby sounds and scrunchy face. It was so sweet. Until she cried.. .. .. then I had to give her back. It was a quick reminder that I had just had a baby too!! ROFL. So I got my baby fix for awhile. Plus I got an open invitation to come by anytime.. .. .. YEA!!

Today was a great day, too! Some of my surrogate friends and their kids came over to hang out and enjoy each others company. I am so fortunate to have such great surrogate friends. Sarah, Jessaca, and Erica were here. We had the easiest, best conversation. They all have hearts of gold and I have to say Erica CRACKS ME UP. She is so candid and funny. (hope you don't mind me talking about you Erica. hehe) The kids all got along so well and played great together. It was so funny - we had chocolate fondue and, of course, had marshmallows. I looked over and the kids had become creative.. .. ..

Yes, that's the gas fireplace and that's the kids pretending to roast marshmallows at the fire. It was hilarious!! The kids thought it was fun

and had a good time pretending it was actually working. They would "roast" their marshmallows then dip them in chocolate and smack 'em down.

The boys were bummed when everyone left. They really enjoyed the company so I guess we'll have to have another get-together soon. DARN. LOL. The kids, obviously, are going to be as social as their mom!

Actually, I really hope they do grow up remaining as social and outgoing as they are. I love that they can interact with other people so openly and aren't afraid to make new friends. It's a good quality to have, and I'm happy the kids aren't shy or reserved. I truly hope they hold on to that.

Anyways, wondering thoughts there.. .. .. Here's to good friends!!

Why do I do this to myself??!!

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

Feeling great!! .. .. ..

I can honestly say I am feeling great. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. .. .. I feel great.

Physically I am healing amazingly. It's only been two weeks since baby K was born, but I am back to normal and better. I had very little physical healing to do, as my labor was so quick. Weightwise, I have lost 38 pounds!!! I am a size 8, smaller than I have been in YEARS. Here's two pics, yes I'm bragging! LOL

Mentally and emotionally I am feeling so much better. I took a few days to sulk, stay in my pj's all day, and just FEEL it. Then I faced it; I took the emotions head on and faced it. I pulled myself together and said ENOUGH. And I feel better than I have in MONTHS. hehe, It feels amazing to be at this place. It feels good to laugh again, to smile, to enjoy life.

Here's to new beginnings and a new attitude!!

I *heart* San Francisco!

Yesterday was my annual bus trip to San Francisco. I have gone a few years now with one of my closest friends, Mary. Four of us hang out together - Mary, Trisha, Yo, and me. Allison was supposed to come, too, but couldn't at the last minute.

This bus trip is a blast!! There is so much laughing, joking, and friendship!! We do a little shopping and a lot of talking and hanging out. I had so much fun. I really felt.... free. I laughed so much and so hard my abs still hurt. We ate so much and had a few drinks. We shopped and had the most hillarious cab ride. It was so nice to get out of town, to relax, and to enjoy life and friendship!! Here are a few pics of my friends and I .. .. .. we really had a a fantastic time!! LOL

Trust.. .. ..

Sometimes I forget that trust should be earned. I forget that, though I'd like to think differently, people are not by nature good. I don't mean that people are bad at the root, but that overall the society we live in is quite selfish. People look out for themselves, their own wants and needs, and what benefits them the most. Not that they are necessarily bad people, but they don't neccessarily deserve faith and trust without earning it.

I often give 100% trust until given reason to not. At least twice now this year that has been manipulated and violated. The first time was devestating and changed my entire life. I made a friend that I believed in, trusted, and shared way too much with. Those things were used against me and destroyed my family. For self-gain by the other party. Which, it seems, is the true human nature. Recently it seems another person I know has broken the trust that friendships were built on. This time the motivation still eludes me, but it's never for the betterment of others.

I don't understand how people do not comprehend that their choices effect way beyond themselves. That they don't understand the pain, devestation, and heartache they can cause others. There is no concience, no consequence, no remorse. How hard does a heart have to be to be able to do that??

Hmmm, reading that I almost have to laugh at myself. Just a few years ago others could say those things about me. I was selfish. I didn't think about the consequences for others of my actions. I was the one to not trust.. .. .. I hate admitting that, I hate knowing I was that person, but I made poor decisions that hurt others, that broke trust, that broke hearts.. .. ..

Does it come with age and maturity that we learn the consequences and become accountable to ourselves and our actions? Or do we have to feel the true sting and burn of betrayal to open our eyes and hearts and make the conviction to never do that to someone else?

I don't know when or why we get the "ah ha" moment and find our accountability. But I really wish that in doing so we would also gain the discernment to see in others their true heart and motivations. I have to wonder what the greater plan is. What lessons are meant to be learned.

I guess I will just continue to roll with the punches. Continue to try and discern good from bad. I don't want to be jaded, I don't want to be distrusting. I guess I just need to be more guarded, more protective, and less open and welcoming. I hate that, as I am an open person. I am trusting, I am welcoming.

It's so difficult to find the fine balance; so frustrating we have to.. .. ..

Take me as I am or don't take me at all.. .. ..

A friend of mine and I were talking tonight. She was laughing at my brutal honestly lately. My unfiltered thoughts here and elsewhere. My new attitude.

I guess I hadn't realized that this new attitude was really emerging until she brought it to my attention. My first reaction was to appologize. I have done that for years. I have been who I was 'supposed' to be, whoever kept those around me happy, and lost track of myself.

I didn't appologize, but said just what I said above, "Well, take me as I am or don't take me at all." Yep, that's my new driving force. I am going to be loyal to ME. I am going to say what I think, do what I want, and be who I am. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will appreciate the change. BUT I will be loyal to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and who I am.

Writing that, I feel a little selfish. Then I remember that in order for us to be healthy people we NEED to stay true to ourselves. We need to figure out who we are and stay loyal to that. Either others can appreciate us for who we are and compliment our lives or not.

To be a whole person you have to know who you are, be confident in that person, and move forward with conviction. Stand by who you are. Stand by what you believe, think, and the dreams you follow.

I think others hold you in higher regards when you are a strong, confident person. When you can say with conviction and might "This is me". Consistency and sincerity go a long way.

So, this is my new motto. This is my new drive. I am going to figure myself out. I am going to discern what is "me" and what others want me to be and remain loyal to ME. Some people will appreciate it, some will loathe it.

I, for one, will appreciate it. Just the small changes I have made, the small steps I have taken, excite me and I know I am doing the right thing for me. And it feels so good to feel on the right path.

Things ARE going to be better, things ARE okay, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.. .. ..