Just typing the word makes my heart race and palms sweat. Seriously, dating?? Me?? I dunno about all that.
Quite a few friends have mentioned that I should get my feet wet back in the dating world. Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start. I have no idea how to meet people. How to get a date or ask for one.
I have spent my entire adult life in a relationship. My ex and I got together when I was 20. So, seriously, my entire adult life I have been in a relationship. I have no idea how to date. How to meet people.
See, I'm going full circle with my thoughts. It makes me dizzy.
Seriously?? DATING??
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
What the heck??
I don't mind being attacked and confronted if I know WHY I am being attacked and confronted, know what I mean?? But an out-of-the-blue jumping is never fun. I had hoped that the ex and I had found a level of peace. The last contact we had was a "thanks for letting me see the kids"/"your welcome" messaging the other day. Nice enough on both ends, right? Then today I get bombarded with threats, hateful words, and mean spewings of hate .. .. .. what did I do??!! Seriously, I wish she would tell me something beyond "I hate you / I am done with you".
I guess it really doesn't matter what I did, perceived or real. I have always known that in her mind everything is my fault and I'm going to take the blame. She says that the boys can contact her, but she won't contact them and wants no contact with me. Honestly, it's better for us to not have contact, but it makes me sad she's writing off the boys. Honestly, I think it's too hard on her and -again - she's running away.
I told her I hope she finds peace, and I really hope she does. It seems her heart is still in turmoil and that she hasn't found what she claims she's looking for. I will always love and care about her and therefore hope that she can come to terms with what torments her and can live a healthy, happy life.
I miss her. I miss her friendship. But I won't miss these random attacks and I won't miss the blame game. I just wish it could be different. I wish that there wasn't so much anger and hate. I wish that 16 years of friendship wasn't being tossed aside.
But, wishes seldom come true, and it's time to let it go and move ahead.. .. ..
I guess it really doesn't matter what I did, perceived or real. I have always known that in her mind everything is my fault and I'm going to take the blame. She says that the boys can contact her, but she won't contact them and wants no contact with me. Honestly, it's better for us to not have contact, but it makes me sad she's writing off the boys. Honestly, I think it's too hard on her and -again - she's running away.
I told her I hope she finds peace, and I really hope she does. It seems her heart is still in turmoil and that she hasn't found what she claims she's looking for. I will always love and care about her and therefore hope that she can come to terms with what torments her and can live a healthy, happy life.
I miss her. I miss her friendship. But I won't miss these random attacks and I won't miss the blame game. I just wish it could be different. I wish that there wasn't so much anger and hate. I wish that 16 years of friendship wasn't being tossed aside.
But, wishes seldom come true, and it's time to let it go and move ahead.. .. ..
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Friendship.. .. ..
There is something special about a good friend. I am very fortunate to say that I have a handful of really good friends. People that I know are there for me. Even if we don't talk all the time, even if we aren't super close, they are there for me and me for them. I am so fortunate for that.
Not only do I have those friends, but I have the gift of a very, very special BEST FRIEND. People say they have best friends all the time, but I don't think very many people get to experience the gift of a very best friend in the purest of forms.
I have a best friend. A friend that would do anything for me. A friend that loves me unconditionally. Not only has she said it, she has shown it over and over.
Nikki flew across the country to hold my hand at a time she knew I would need her the most. She knew not only would I need her as my birthing coach but as my emotional support. She knew the overwhelming emotions I would feel and knew I would need support. So she spent the weekend in and out of the hospital with me, at my house watching my kids. It was her birthday weekend and instead of spending it with her family she spent it with me at the hospital, then at home with me and my boys. Who does that?? LOL. She held my hand in labor and has permanent scars from my nails. She held me and cried with me. She took care of my kids. I cannot express my gratitude in full in words.. .. ..
Beyond that she has listened to me for the last six months crying over the same subject over and over. I know that it gets old. I know that it gets annoying. Yet she continues to listen and support me. She continues to let me cry and relive the same pain over and over. She loves me and supports me unconditionally.
Never in the world could we hope for friendship so pure, so open, without conditions or stipulations. I don't know how I got so lucky to find such a great friend. Over 2,000 miles away, a chance meeting, and a lifetime of secrets, friendship, support, and love. How lucky am I? I hope that I am HALF the friend to her that she is to me. And I hope for everyone a friend so wonderful.. .. ..
Not only do I have those friends, but I have the gift of a very, very special BEST FRIEND. People say they have best friends all the time, but I don't think very many people get to experience the gift of a very best friend in the purest of forms.
I have a best friend. A friend that would do anything for me. A friend that loves me unconditionally. Not only has she said it, she has shown it over and over.
Nikki flew across the country to hold my hand at a time she knew I would need her the most. She knew not only would I need her as my birthing coach but as my emotional support. She knew the overwhelming emotions I would feel and knew I would need support. So she spent the weekend in and out of the hospital with me, at my house watching my kids. It was her birthday weekend and instead of spending it with her family she spent it with me at the hospital, then at home with me and my boys. Who does that?? LOL. She held my hand in labor and has permanent scars from my nails. She held me and cried with me. She took care of my kids. I cannot express my gratitude in full in words.. .. ..
Beyond that she has listened to me for the last six months crying over the same subject over and over. I know that it gets old. I know that it gets annoying. Yet she continues to listen and support me. She continues to let me cry and relive the same pain over and over. She loves me and supports me unconditionally.
Never in the world could we hope for friendship so pure, so open, without conditions or stipulations. I don't know how I got so lucky to find such a great friend. Over 2,000 miles away, a chance meeting, and a lifetime of secrets, friendship, support, and love. How lucky am I? I hope that I am HALF the friend to her that she is to me. And I hope for everyone a friend so wonderful.. .. ..
Loss.. .. ..
These last two weeks have made me face everything I was trying to hide from for the past few months. These last two weeks, though, were horribly painful. It started to hit me during labor. I was sitting there, rocking in the chair, praying for pain relief, and it hit me. She wasn't here with me. We started this journey together, she promised she would never leave or abandon me, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there!!! I lost it. I started bawling. I felt horrible. My IP's were sitting across the room from me. Mom - my ex's mom - was sitting across the room from me. And I was just bawling. Nikki was sitting next to me and she wrapped her arm around me and cried with me. She knew.. .. .. with no words, she knew. I sucked it up as quick as I could. I had to get mad. I had to get darn mad over and over while in labor. I hated her at that moment. I hated all the lies, all the broken promises. I hated feeling abandoned, and I hated missing her and wishing she was there.
After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.
I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..
Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.
And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.
And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.
This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..
After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.
I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..
Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.
And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.
And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.
This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..
Thanksgiving.. .. ..
Thanksgiving was a good day. Overall-ish. LOL. The boys and I spent the day with my (ex) BIL and MIL. It's weird to call them 'ex' family when it never feels that way. Same as on Thanksgiving. My BIL was picking on me more again. He said "glad you're not pregnant anymore, I can pick on you again" lol. We had a ton of great food. Mom is a great cook and there is ALWAYS more than enough. BIL makes a killer ham. Yummy, yummy, yummy. LOL
Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.
So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!
On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..
But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.
Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.
So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!
On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..
But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.
The birth of baby girl K!!
Thursday, November 20th, my sweet surrogate baby arrived in the world. Here's a shortened version of what happened. Yes, this is shortened. LOL.. .. ..
I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.
So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).
Anywho, we held tight over night.
FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.
Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.
At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..
So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.
So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..
Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.
The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..
I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.
M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..
I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.
So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).
Anywho, we held tight over night.
FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.
Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.
At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..
So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.
So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..
Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.
The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..
I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.
M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..
I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKK.. .. ..
Miss me?? Ya, didn't figure that you'd realize I was gone. Haha. I have so much to update. So there will be a few posts tonight. I couldn't put it all in one long post, no way!! So here's the first of a few to bring things current. LOL.
Here's what's ahead.. .. ..
Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship
So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol
Here's what's ahead.. .. ..
Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship
So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol
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