The Eve of New Beginnings.. .. ..

Today is New Years Eve and I've decided it's the Eve of New Beginnings for me. I decided to make a list of ten resolutions/goals for the new year. And I figured if I wrote them out here I would be more accountable to them. I can count on at least Nikki and Cyn to make sure I'm doing them! lol

10. EXERCISE - I love, love, love my body now. I *think* I've bottomed out and won't lose anymore weight. I am a comfortable size 6, sometimes 4 or 8. But I want to tone my arms, legs, and of course belly. So my resolution is to exercise at least 3x's a week. And to start walking again, at least 3x's a week, also. Not only is it good for my body, but it's good for my soul and will make me healthier overall.

9. WORK BETTER - Not necessarily harder, just better. I love my job and don't always give it the attention I should. So I commit to doing better there.

8. BE A BETTER FRIEND - I feel like I have sucked my friends dry this last year. They have been there for me soooo much, it's my time to give back. So I will let the people that are there for me know how much they mean to me and return the favor better.

7. WORK ON ME - I think I have come a long way this last six months, but I have a lot to still learn about myself and work on. I met someone recently and really wanted to see where it would go ... but then I saw the red flags, the possible "save me" syndrome, and immediately stopped it. THAT is progress for me. So I will continue to work in that. I have been getting to know me more... and, hell, I'm not half bad. lol.

6. SKYDIVE - Yep, skydive. I have always wanted to do it and just never have. SO I WILL skydive this year. Maybe more than once.. .. ..

5. YOSEMITE - The boys need to see Yosemite. It's beautiful and they have never been there. I will take them at least once to Yosemite and we'll go back to Sequoia National Park, too. We are too close to so much beauty to not take advantage of it.

4. SPEND TIME WITH THE BOYS - Jonah says I do a good job of it, but I want to do better. I want to have one Saturday a month that's a play-date with the kids. And at least one Friday night a month for movie night. They are the staple of my life and they need to know how important they are to me.

3. SLEEP IN MY BED - Sleeping on the couch doesn't make the bed any less empty. I need to face that fear, face that sadness, and stop hiding from the empty spaces in life.. .. ..

2. HANDLE THE BIZNAZ - Most importantly, this house. I need to get it figured out and I commit to crunching down and getting it done. It needs to be and procrastinating won't change anything.

1. LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I NEVER FEEL ALONE - It can get very lonely sometimes, being alone. I want to love myself so much that I never feel alone. That I can sit in silence and not feel engulfed by it. I want to find new hobbies, indulge myself in things that make me happy, and not want or need anyone to make me happy. Now THAT's happiness, right??

So, there it is. My list of resolutions for the new year, for the new beginning. I know that it won't always be easy. I know that I will still have peaks and valley's, but I am hoping the cliffs will be longer, the valley's will be small craters in the otherwise level land, and that sunnier skies are ahead. I KNOW that my actions, my behavior, my feelings, have a huge influence on that and I am committed to making this year the most beautiful, wonderful year I have had. I have a family of two amazing boys that I adore, an extended family full of love and support, friends who are priceless and mean more than words can say, and most importantly, I have ME. And I have underestimated myself and sold myself short for way too long. Time to live up to my potential. Time to celebrate the possibilities and make the best of the life I have. I turn 30 this year and I'm determined to take this new phase of life by the horns and grow and learn and be a better person this time next year. That's my hope, commitment, and excited anticipation on the eve of new beginnings.. .. ..

Have Mercy??

Will it ever end? This is yet another post about the ex. I know it's such old b.s. and the same crap over and over so stop reading if you're as tired of it as I am. But I have to get this out. Since, once again, she has contacted me and opened the wound I was so desperately trying to stitch closed.. .. ..

This week has been hard as it is. Coming off of the Christmas holiday has been hard. Though spending the time with my best friend and grandparent helped, it still ached in my soul that my "family" wasn't together anymore. Logan asked about the ex and still says, "She's coming back soon, right?" I don't even know how to answer anymore beyond just saying "no". Then this week is New Years. We had been planning to spend it in Las Vegas, oh so ironic now, since it's something we always wanted to do. And, the worst of it all, Saturday would have been our 9-yr anniversary. SO this week has been ... a challenge ... to state it simply.

I hit a really rough patch Sunday. I was just drowning in the pain. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I need to make her not exist. I had done it once before, I could do it again.

When I was 18 the ex came to me when she and her g/f got into a bad fight. She stayed with me and we had the most amazing week together. All the love we wanted to share together for so long we were allowed to experience. It was the happiest week of my life. Then she went home to get more clothes ... and didn't come back. Hours passed and she finally called and said she couldn't come back. Couldn't leave her (ex's) son.

I was devastated. Seriously crushed. I became very ill and didn't - couldn't - get out of bed for a week. I lost the one thing I wanted, the one thing that made me feel complete and happy. I was destroyed.

Yes, I see how mellow-dramatic that sounds, but it was true. There is some wicked connection for me to her that I cannot explain and I cannot will away. I have tried - Lord help me, I have tried.. .. ..

Anyways, after a few weeks of not talking to her things got better. I was able to pretend she just didn't exist anymore. That she didn't live in the same world as me. I was able to get out and about again, date, FUNCTION. Things were better.

A year and a half later she came back in my life. I remember very clearly the day she called my work. The moment I heard her voice my breath caught, heart skipped a beat, and I was in love all over again. She came to my work to visit that day and we were together from then on. I was hesitant, I knew what would happen if she left again. I trusted her, though. Trusted she'd never hurt me like that again.. .. ..

So here I am. Not nearly as incapacitated as last time, but still struggling nonetheless. So I asked her to please, please not contact me anymore. I have asked her more than once. I was doing okay this week, then she goes and contacts me again today. YES, I KNOW I shouldn't have talked to her, but she is good at guilting me and making me feel like the bad guy when I try not to talk to her. I am too weak, too worried about HURTING HER that I give in. All to set myself up for more hurt.

She wanted to know if Jonah hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her. How am I supposed to know?? Jonah doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to hurt more than I already do, which breaks my heart for him. He shouldn't have to protect me. Anyways, I told her to ask him and said that I do know he is angry and hurt. That I overheard him telling my grandma "I know she was in our lives a long time, but then she just left us. I don't understand how she could do that." He's mad. He's damn mad and hurt and he has every right to feel that way.

She just doesn't get it. She says she does, but she has no idea. She tries to compare her hurt, her 'pain'. It make me infuriated when she says she understands how the boys feel or how I feel. I cannot believe she has the audacity to compare her momentary, here-and-there, self-serving sadness to what the boys and I feel. She feels sorry for herself, NOT the boys. It's all about her not getting the attention from them, life not revolving around her. I told her to go back to her perfect, wonderful life and not worry about them. She has said she has everything she wants and so WHY does she worry about or bother herself with thoughts about the boys? No point. Like Jonah said, she walked out.. .. ..

She tells me that she understands how I feel. YES, I cheated on her during our relationship. I will admit my faults. But I NEVER walked out on our relationship. I was remorseful and did everything I could to make our relationship work. She says she knows my pain, NO I never walked out on our relationship, on our children. She has never rolled over in the middle night, reaching for the other half of her whole to find empty space. She hasn't consoled her upset children when they miss their parent who abandoned them. Yes, I am furious as I type this. So I know it's choppy, but DAMN IT I am so angry. I am so tired of her living her perfect life there, yet keeping one hand here, always keeping us at arms length. She said, AGAIN TODAY, that she wishes we could be friends. That tells me that she really has NO IDEA the damage she caused, the pain she inflicted and continues to.. .. ..

Anyways, I just need her to not exist. This was the point of the post. She needs to just not exist in my world anymore. Hearing her voice makes my heart skip still, makes all the love rush back. After all of this, it still does. Which very well tells me that's the way it'll always be. If I can't hate her now I will never be able to. Which tells me she was my soul mate, no matter how little I obviously meant to her. Which tells me I need her to GO AWAY. I need her to not exist in my world in order for me to heal and function in it. I know that sounds so weak. So stupid in so many ways. But it's the only thing that has worked and the only thing I know to do anymore.

So my only hope is that she will have mercy and leave me alone. I wish I could hate her, I really do, but I obviously can't. So she needs to just not BE in my world. As sad as that makes me, it's what has to happen for this to go away and for me to heal.. If she ever cared anything for me than I can hope she'll have mercy now. .. ..

Back from Vacation!!

Ahhh, it was so nice to go on vacation. To visit with family and friends. It's just always too short. LOL.

We spent the first part of our trip in OHIO with Nikki. We had such a good time. The boys and her daughter got along really well. She is right between the two boys in age, so she got along with both of them. She is a riot, I absolutely adore her. D (hubby) talked a lot more to me, which it was nice to get to know him. Nikki and I shopped, which is one of the best friend things we miss getting to do together. And we went out on Friday night and had a blast. I LOVE the place we went. It's a little pizza place with the cutest resident dog, Gypsy, who eats your pizza. LOVED IT. LOL. Good drinks, terrible carpet, good music (O*H*I*O, haha), and good food. Just sucked being the second tallest guy in Ohio. ROFL (That's for Nikki...) We did get a little snow on Saturday night. Just enough to coat the ground. It was awesome to watch the snow come down. It was COLD COLD COLD there. Nikki says you get used to it, I beg to differ. LOL. But it was wonderful and cozy in Ohio and so pretty. (but so cold when we left, lol.. 4 degrees, yes FOUR.. .. .. )

Then we were off to Georgia. (And mid-60's ... wth?? at Christmas??) Logan jumped into Granny's arms as soon as he saw her. It was so wonderful to see my grandparents and finally see where they live. On Monday when we got there we went to my aunts and my grandparents were blessed with five grandkids and 11 great-grandkids all together!! It was a zoo. LOL. But it was very nice. My grandparents home is beautiful. They live on five acres of land and it's quiet and beautiful there. The weather was so great that I was able to take a good book on the back porch and read for a good part of one of the days. I also got to see two of my great aunts, which was very nice. Spending Christmas with my grandparents was so nice; it had been four years since the last time we had that opportunity. I also got to see my uncle and aunt and cousin who I haven't seen in four years. S, my cousin, is growing up too fast. It scares me; I remember being a 14y old girl!! LOL. Everyone has changed so much, yet stayed the same.. .. ..

I also got to visit with Jonah's dad. It was so odd, it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. It didn't seem that 11 years had passed since we had seen each other. Visiting with him was very nice. I met his wife, too, and she and I (I thought) got along really well. She is very sweet, and I feel so fortunate that Jonah has such a good step-mom.

Especially since he HAS decided to move to live with his dad. I am sad about it, but I support Jo in his choice. He will leave toward the end of summer and spend at least the next school year there. So only seven months or so.. .. ..

(here comes the rest of the sadness, look away if you want)

Then Christmas just made me sad overall. I missed having my "family". It hurt. And this week is hard - This Saturday would have been my anniversary.. .. ..

Then we get home and I find out another couple we are close to is seperating. A couple my boys are close to.

I am just sad. So much has changed this last year and it seems like it'll never end. And I am mostly sad for my boys. Really, how much more should they have to endure?? I worry a lot for Logan. He'll lose a parent, a very close person, and a brother all in a years time. How's he going to handle all that??

UGH, I didn't want this post to turn south. But I just have to so much that's so heavy on my heart right now. Thank goodness I am home and can blog away. Be ready to be inundated with my random thoughts. They are too foggy, heavy, and hard to not get out now.. .. ..

2009 BETTER be BETTER!!!

Sometimes People Touch Our Lives.. .. ..

Sometimes we meet people and they leave permanent marks on our hearts. You may only know them for a moment or maybe for years, but their impact will be felt forever. When you meet someone you don't know how long they'll be in your life, but you learn in time to appreciate each moment you're given.

I bring this up because my best friend from work came up to me today and told me that no matter where our lives take us I'll always be special to him, always hold a special place in his heart. We have been so close over the last four years. Him being there for me and me for him through relationship issues. We laugh together. Cried. Just been good friends. And he's right. No matter what, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I just met someone who makes me smile. Who makes me think there is life after this breakup. And forever I'll be greatful for that. For that renewed hope, that renewed alive feeling.

There are so many people who I can say have made a difference, who have touched my soul in some way and I will never be the same. How lucky we are to have those opportunities. I am glad I was reminded today of how special, how real, our connections can be in our life and how blessed we are.. .. ..

Baby Fix and Best of Friends.. .. ..

First, Friday I got my baby fix!! My friend from work had her baby 5 days after Baby K was born. We had a retirement lunch for the boss Friday and she brought her little girl, Brooklyn. She is ADOREABLE!! I immediately stole her, of course. It was so sweet, cuddling and snuggling her. I took her for a good thirty minutes. Her little baby sounds and scrunchy face. It was so sweet. Until she cried.. .. .. then I had to give her back. It was a quick reminder that I had just had a baby too!! ROFL. So I got my baby fix for awhile. Plus I got an open invitation to come by anytime.. .. .. YEA!!

Today was a great day, too! Some of my surrogate friends and their kids came over to hang out and enjoy each others company. I am so fortunate to have such great surrogate friends. Sarah, Jessaca, and Erica were here. We had the easiest, best conversation. They all have hearts of gold and I have to say Erica CRACKS ME UP. She is so candid and funny. (hope you don't mind me talking about you Erica. hehe) The kids all got along so well and played great together. It was so funny - we had chocolate fondue and, of course, had marshmallows. I looked over and the kids had become creative.. .. ..

Yes, that's the gas fireplace and that's the kids pretending to roast marshmallows at the fire. It was hilarious!! The kids thought it was fun

and had a good time pretending it was actually working. They would "roast" their marshmallows then dip them in chocolate and smack 'em down.

The boys were bummed when everyone left. They really enjoyed the company so I guess we'll have to have another get-together soon. DARN. LOL. The kids, obviously, are going to be as social as their mom!

Actually, I really hope they do grow up remaining as social and outgoing as they are. I love that they can interact with other people so openly and aren't afraid to make new friends. It's a good quality to have, and I'm happy the kids aren't shy or reserved. I truly hope they hold on to that.

Anyways, wondering thoughts there.. .. .. Here's to good friends!!

Why do I do this to myself??!!

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

Feeling great!! .. .. ..

I can honestly say I am feeling great. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. .. .. I feel great.

Physically I am healing amazingly. It's only been two weeks since baby K was born, but I am back to normal and better. I had very little physical healing to do, as my labor was so quick. Weightwise, I have lost 38 pounds!!! I am a size 8, smaller than I have been in YEARS. Here's two pics, yes I'm bragging! LOL

Mentally and emotionally I am feeling so much better. I took a few days to sulk, stay in my pj's all day, and just FEEL it. Then I faced it; I took the emotions head on and faced it. I pulled myself together and said ENOUGH. And I feel better than I have in MONTHS. hehe, It feels amazing to be at this place. It feels good to laugh again, to smile, to enjoy life.

Here's to new beginnings and a new attitude!!