Happy Holidays?

I am making the best of it I guess. This year has been such a roller coaster that being "happy" is somewhat of an effort. This is my first Christmas at "home" all by myself. Well, with Logan. Okay, without being a family. Okay, the more I say those things I call bull shit on myself. Family is what you make it and if family is just Logan and I well then so be it!! New traditions, new definitions of family!!

Overall I don't care that I'm not the family I was two years ago. I don't miss the ex at all and that's not a bone of contention. Now, Jonah, that's another story. I miss him with every ounce of me. It is so painful to not have him here with me. I miss him beyond words. That's my baby and he isn't here with us. Every morning this last week (and a few times throughout the day) Logan has said, "I want my Jonah". It breaks me. Logan knows this is a special time of the year and he is feeling down that Jonah isn't here with us too. That's the part of my family I truly miss....

We don't do anything traditionally. It wouldn't be ME if we did. Tonight I will wrap presents (yes, I am a procrastinator). My brother is spending the night and in the morning we'll open presents with Logan. Then have a Christmas breakfast. Then it's off to visit friends and end the day having dinner with some very close friends of mine. I feel so fortunate for the friends who take us in and love us as part of their families. It makes me happy for Logan, that he can see that family is who you make them, not just the ones you're born into.

Anywho, this year is coming to a close and I was super bummed. I felt dead-ended and just ... shitty ... about it all. I am lucky my 'family' has pulled me out of my funk. Things always get worse before better, now I think I'm passing through the worst of it. I finally feel a little optimistic about what's to come. I have a plan and a plan to back that up. And I'm confident my life and where I'm at this time next year will be completely different and wonderful!! I found an awesome quote that I'm making my mantra...

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Blessed Christmas to all and many wishes for a SUPER New Year!!! xoxo

Addiction

I have an addiction. I go through withdrawl like with any drug. I get moody, irritable, irrational, and sad. I find fixes in the wrong ways, just to have a fix. I am addicted.

Sometimes addicts put themselves in destructive situations to have their fix of their drug of choice. For me, its happened more and more. Allowing myself to be in situations that are dead-end or a temporary fix. Desperate to fill that need, I will neglect what is best for me in the long-run for that momentary high. I refuse to see the writing on the wall and try to believe that what is good right now is good enough.

You try to convince yourself you're not doing any harm. It's no big deal. That it's FINE. Is it though?? Is it okay to cry when you don't have what you NEED (so you think)? Is it okay to be sick to your stomach, waiting to know if you'll get your fix?? Is it okay to live each day waiting for the next time you have your drug??

No it's not okay. You have to find that inner strength to say "I'm better than this". To walk away and find that fix within yourself. To rely on your inner happiness to fill the void the drug smokescreens and pretends to fulfill.

That's where I am now... having to pick myself back up, stop relying on my fix, and rely on myself. Know I'm worth more and need to take care of myself.

And that I don't need anyone else.

And that my inner happiness is more than anyone can give me.

My name is Jennifer. I am addicted to love.

Another month...

Another month has gone by. Funny how time seems to just slip away.

So there seems to be so much going on yet so little to share. No guys in my life right now to really speak of. Not even sure what's happened/happening on that front. I know that I am standing up for myself and making sure I am getting what I want/need, which limits the dating pool. Haha. I really don't care at this point. Just too much energy to try to even invest into it. Single really isn't so bad. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes it is. Overall though it's managable and it's not as bad as a bad relationship. So for now I'm just fine where I am...

The house is officially in foreclosure. Got the notice on Saturday. I will contact the company one more time this week to see if there is ANYTHING they will do. If not I will start packing and wait for them to evict me. I am not leaving until they make me!! I knew it was coming so I am not too sad. A home is what you make it, so wherever I go will be home. The reasons I am upset are very fun and rediculous mostly, so I'll just leave it at that. But moving definitely seems on the horizon.

I have had a hard time lately reconciling that I don't have the family I wish I did. Thanksgiving was spent with me, Logan, and my brother. My mom didn't even bother to come by. Christmas will probably be the same. My friends have invited me to be with them Christmas day, but how pathetic and sad is that??? I just feel ... alone ... sometimes. In the deepest, saddest of ways. I feel most bad for Logan. That my brother and I are basically all he has... I am lucky to be surrounded by awesome friends. I suppose, though, at the holidays you think about how important family is and not really having any ... well, sucks a little. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all I have. Just feel Logan is being cheated... Which is another whole story and saddness...

Anyways, besides that crap things are good. Work is good and I am overall happy. I have been dieting and will start working out again today. For real, today. I realized I need to tone and no amount of dieting will help that. I will say I am thankful that for a year now I have maintained a size 6/8 and feel good in clothes. Naked, not so much, but clothes hide it all well.

I really am just kinda in a state of limbo right now. I know the responsible things to do in my life, and I know what my whimsical life wants. I just want to leave. Start over. Though I know that I can't. I just want to.

Oh well, I am sure things will get better. They really aren't BAD so I shouldn't be complaining. Just in a funk. It's the holiday's. I always feel this way at the holidays.... UGG.

Miss you Dad...

Things that make you go hmmmm....

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Wow....

Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..

Can't stop smiling ...

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!