Things that make you go hmmmm....

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Wow....

Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..

Can't stop smiling ...

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!

And another great weekend.. .. ..

What an awesome weekend!

Friday I left work a little early to help N out ... he needed to go to Fresno to pick up another car and so I went with him to drive it home for him. The ride down there was so nice. We talked some, he took a phone call, I was texting ... just being!! Things are just so comfortable with him ... so normal. So we got down there, then headed right back in the separate cars. It was nice, to have the time to think, to reflect on how things are going... When we got back to his house I used his computer for a few and hung out with him and L, his daughter. They got into a WWIII wrestling match, which was HILARIOUS!! We were all joking and hanging out; having a good time. L wanted to go to the football game, so I took her and dropped her off. We had all the windows down, the moon roof open, and the music up ... so much fun! N came over and hung out for the few hours she was at the game. At least I *think* he was there ... Logan stole him! LOL

Saturday morning Logan and I got up and went to L's cross-country match. Holy smokes, talk about impressed. She ran a 3 mile course in 22:35. YES, a little over 7 minutes a mile!!! I was exhausted FOR HER. She had to stay the day, so Logan and I took off to his soccer game.... and N came too!! After that N went home and Logan and I went to clean house!! I had three kids on their way!! LOL. I babysat for a friend ... her three kids, 12, 7, and 3. =) My brother came over, too, and N and L. The kids all got along SO well and had a great time!! They were so well behaved ... I would watch them ANYTIME.

The downer was ... 10 minutes before dinner time N got a call-out. =( Had to respond to a crime scene. So he had to take off, but L decided to stay and hang out. And stayed. I offered to take her home, but she wanted to hang out. So we played Guitar Hero, Wii Fit, and talked ... until dad got home at 4 a.m.!!! YIKES!! It was so awesome though. Such a good time getting to know her!!

Sunday Logan and I were LAZY until soccer time at 1:00. N & L came out (N plays with us now). We had a good game, but lost, but I was too tired to care!! We left to go home for dinner, and L rode with me. ... . Told her dad "meet you there!". =) Soooo, I *think* she might like me!! Whooohoooo!! They came for dinner, and while it was cooking all four of us went out front and played soccer together. It was so nice and such fun!

After they went home (N had to work at 6) we relaxed and went to bed early. It was such a nice weekend and a great way to start the week. Here's hoping for many more good times with the people I adore!!! =)

(Little Less) Cautiously Optomistic

Last night I went to my friend Mary's house. Just to stop by and drop off some stuff. It turned into a long visit, which is always a treat with Mary. We were sorting candle orders and just kinda b.s.'ing when she asked about N. She said, "You haven't talked much about him, what's up?"

She's right. I don't talk about N much. I do not feel like this relationship is ANYTHING like the ones I have had in the past. I know I've already talked about this, but I don't feel fireworks and butterflies. I feel peace and security. And I am slowly, cautiously, falling in love with the man he is. I don't feel a need to grasp to him or make labels. I don't need a plan or a commitment. I don't need anything but the moment with N. I talked those things through with Mary and she was beaming. She said, "this one is so different, and different is good."

I have talked to Nikki, Mary, my brother, and my counselor about N. And all have said that he could be "the one". I think maybe, though I'm in no rush to make that happen. I weigh everything with him. Pro's/con's ... likes (no dislikes yet) ... On paper, he is everything I want and need. He is secure, he has a great career, he's a phenomenal father, and he treats me like a princess. In my heart, he is everything I want. And some stuff I didn't even know I wanted. Goofy as heck, silly, and just full of life.

After talking to Mary I went home and N and I started talking. We shared a lot of the thoughts we both were hesitant to share. We have both been able to see ourselves sharing a home. Sharing our families. We are both willing to take our time getting there though. And I think that balance is what will make it work. I told him I am not ready to share all of me. I am scared and I can't be hurt again. I have to keep him at arms length and slowly allow him in. He is okay with that and willing to put in the time and effort to make this work. He is such a good man and words cannot fully express how good he is to me. How caring, compassionate, and patient.

So we will continue building this foundation we have started. Letting it go as naturally as possible, and puling back the reigns when necessary. I will say, I am ubber excited today. N is working overtime and his daughter needs picked up from school so I am going to get her. And she's happy about that. ;) She likes me, and Logan likes N, so at least one big hurdle has been cleared!!

Still hesitant, still scared, however holding faith in God, myself, and N ... and just trusting the process!!

Great Weekend

I had such a fun, great weekend!!

Friday night was so great. Logan and I went home and I made dinner. Which used to be a normal thing for me, but lately I had been lagging. It's so hard to make a dinner for two. Leftovers go to waste and it's a lot of effort for just the two of us. Soooo... we had company! I invited my brother and N over!! I made ranch chicken, rice pilaf, and broccoli. Yummmmmmy. They all enjoyed dinner so much. It was kind of nerve wrecking, and exciting, to make dinner for N. Luckily he doesn't cook, so anything is good, and he absolutely loved it and is still raving about it. For good measure I also made him brownies (his favorite) for dessert. We (brother, N, and I) stayed up late visiting and them getting to know each other. We had such a great night!!

Saturday was another great day. Logan had woke up Friday night coughing and ended up throwing up from it. We had a long night because of it, so we stayed home Saturday morning to rest and hopefully feel better. He was doing good, so he went with friends to a huge pumpkin patch and to spend the night so I could go off with my friend Kelli for the night. We went to a San Jose Sharks game! I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a hockey game, so it was an awesome time!!! Sooo much fun. We got home super super late, but it was so worth it!!

Since Logan spent the night with friends, I got to sleep in!! And boy did I ... until 11:15!! Wooohooo!! It was soooo nice and for once I felt fully rested and not tired!! I got up and went to get Logan and then soccer. N started playing soccer with us, so we met out there. It was a lot of fun playing soccer together. He did pretty well besides feeling like he'd die because he's out of shape. hehe. We'll take care of that. ;) He also brought his daughter, and it was nice to meet her! We all had lunch together afterwards and I *think* it went well. After that Logan got a much-needed haircut then we went home to veg. We left the house one last time, to take N some snacks and say good night. Then it was a peaceful, happy night at home.

So ended a great weekend and started a great week!!