Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Another month gone...

You know, I am kinda tired of my sob stories and the "this isn't working/that isn't working". Well, hello stupid, it's my own fault. I am the one that chooses to put myself in situations that just CAN'T be what I want them to be. That will never amount to more than heartbreak and disappointment. So why cry??

Because even though I set the stage, it doesn't make the tragedy any less. Our hearts break regardless of why they are broken. Our tears fall, regardless of why we cry. Even when we know it's our fault, it still has the same emotional reaction and claim on us.

So, I sit here, again at the mercy of my own doing. I have no one but myself to blame and I am just angry. At myself, at the situation, at the tears that fall. Mostly angry that I have put myself through so much that I hardly feel anymore. I should be crying and crushed right now and I'm just NUMB.

Damn me for doing this to myself over and over. To dulling my senses and numbing my heart.

I am done. I have to be. I have to rebuild myself from the inside out. I have to allow myself to FEEL again. And the ONLY one I can blame, the only one I can be disappointed in, is ME. Period.

So it's time to stop this pattern. Do I want this year to be better? YES. Do I want to be a good friend? YES. Do I want to be a good mother? YES. Do I want to find love? YES.

Then by God I need to grow the f* up and stop this... here and now... and for good.


Brian said...

I can't even remember what I was supposed to say, but even if I could, I still wouldn't say it. YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN AND MOTHER and you deserve the best, you just have to be willing to fight for it!

darklife-me said...

I'll tell you my story..visit me..