The Sun Is Shinning

I always find I am in a much better mood when the sun is out. It's supposed to hit 70 degrees today and I couldn't be happier about it. Of course the rain is returning this weekend, but for today I'll prance around in my skirt and ballet shoes and soak in the sun!

With the change of the season also comes a change of mindset for me and new determinations. I am all alone right now and I like it. I really like it. There's two guys that are battling for attention right now though I'm not really into either. Mostly because, like most - if not all - guys I've dated of late, they get clingy! I am NOT into clingy at all. And there's that issue of going on ONE date and suddenly it's just "let's hang out and watch a movie or get dinner in". I am sorry, but I deserve a little winning-over. Just because you took me to dinner ONCE does NOT make you my boyfriend and movie buddy. I can have that with my girlfriends.

So my dating time with people is less and less because I am cutting them off at the knees pretty quick. Clingy? bye... Too comfortable? bye... Think you're "hitting it"?? bye... Yep, meet my standards or move on. Single is much better than stuck!!

So it's a new season and it's MY time. = ) Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who make others wait.. .. ..

Another month gone...

You know, I am kinda tired of my sob stories and the "this isn't working/that isn't working". Well, hello stupid, it's my own fault. I am the one that chooses to put myself in situations that just CAN'T be what I want them to be. That will never amount to more than heartbreak and disappointment. So why cry??

Because even though I set the stage, it doesn't make the tragedy any less. Our hearts break regardless of why they are broken. Our tears fall, regardless of why we cry. Even when we know it's our fault, it still has the same emotional reaction and claim on us.

So, I sit here, again at the mercy of my own doing. I have no one but myself to blame and I am just angry. At myself, at the situation, at the tears that fall. Mostly angry that I have put myself through so much that I hardly feel anymore. I should be crying and crushed right now and I'm just NUMB.

Damn me for doing this to myself over and over. To dulling my senses and numbing my heart.

I am done. I have to be. I have to rebuild myself from the inside out. I have to allow myself to FEEL again. And the ONLY one I can blame, the only one I can be disappointed in, is ME. Period.

So it's time to stop this pattern. Do I want this year to be better? YES. Do I want to be a good friend? YES. Do I want to be a good mother? YES. Do I want to find love? YES.

Then by God I need to grow the f* up and stop this... here and now... and for good.