Moving Forward

This week has been really good for me. I have continued to reflect and learn. I continue to grow from the experiences of my life. I feel so much lighter in the last two days and I let go of the past and am moving forward. So, emotionally, I am doing FANTASTIC and am optimistic for "what's next", whatever that may be...

Logan has been a little out of whack, as I think I mentioned before. He misses Jonah A LOT and keeps asking "when will he come home". I am hoping in time he will adjust. Right now we just spend a lot of time snuggling and sharing love. He is definitely more insecure lately and I want to do all I can to change that for him. He is doing fantastic in school though. He is suddenly interested in learning and having a good time with school. I am very proud of him. He is definitely growing up too fast though. Every day I look at him I think "where did my baby go?".

Things continue to be busy in our lives. I always think "this week will slow down". HA! This week I had my chiro appt/dinner/counseling on Monday, a candle party last night, softball tonight, soccer tomorrow night, a date Friday night, soccer Saturday and MUST clean the house, soccer for me Sunday and a football party. Exhausting just writing it out!! And that doesn't include work, union meetings, and negotiations. Oh the joys of life!!

Really, though, I cannot complain. Logan and I are healthy. We have good quality time together. We are active and share time with friends and together. Life really is good.

So irritated with myself.. .. ..

I am so irked with myself for not being able to just say "screw you" and walk away. And I'm not even positive anymore that it's M that I'm more upset about or just the path my life is on all together. I am so tired of being alone. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I am a good mother, and I am so proud of that. However, I want someone to share my life with. I want to be a good woman to my partner and share my day with someone. Have someone to go do things with or do nothing at all with. I don't NEED anyone, though it sure would be nice to have someone. I so get why some people are codependent or stay in bad relationships. I do NOT want relationships like that .... I "get" though the thought that it's better than being alone. NOT SAYING I WILL SETTLE because I will NOT. And I don't ever want to be in another codependent relationship. Just ready for more ... I know I need to be patient. I need to stick to what I want and deserve. I will not settle, I will not compromise. Just pray a lot that God decides it's "my turn" soon and the right match, right relationship comes my way.. .. ..

Not sure what's up...

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went out with friends, which ended up being a babysitting adventure that should have included stitches, but butterfly bandages instead. NO not for me... Reminds me why I don't go out often much anymore...

I slept so much this weekend. That's all I wanted to do. I was asleep by 830 both Saturday and Sunday night. And I still feel exhausted. Don't know what's up with that.

Mr. Logan has been full of p&v this past week and it's driving me insane. So I need to figure out what's up there and get that worked out.

Tonight is counseling again. Hopefully more progress can be made. Just in such a funk and I hate it. Wish I had the Magic 8 ball.. .. ..

And then there is anger ....

They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.

Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!

Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!

Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.

I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.

Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.

Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!

My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.

((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))

May I phone a friend?

When stuff like this happens in life you KNOW you aren't the ONLY ONE this has EVER happened to, though sometimes it sure does feel like it. So when you find someone who completely understands, who says "OMG, YES, that' exactly it" ... well, you hate they are hurting too, but you take comfort in knowing you really AREN'T alone....

Last night one of my longest-running friends (since we were 7!!) and I got to talking. And it's so unfortunate, but our lives are parallelling right now and we both know how bad it sucks butt!!!

We talked for over three hours. It was so enlightening. I think we both learned a lot about the people that have hurt us, though I am so proud that wasn't our focus. We both know that others can only change if they chose to. I had a few epiphanies that I want to share and, more important, write down to revisit when I get discouraged...

First, accept that people only as good as they know how to be. We cannot expect more than someone has to offer. If people are emotionally inept in certain areas, we cannot expect them to fulfill our needs in that area. We cannot hold them to a standard above their abilities to accomplish. So we have to decide if where they're at is adequate for what we need or if we need more. If so, we need to be strong enough to not settle and seek out a match to our criteria and needs.

Second, inspect what you expect. Don't be afraid to talk, ask questions, seek answers when you don't understand, when you're insecure, or when you have that 'gut instinct'. If you chose not to, then you're allowing deceit by omission or insecurities to sneak in....

Third, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk on you, they will. If you allow them to maintain relationships with others, they will. If you don't require them to respect you, they won't. If you don't set the minimum standards and expectations they will not meet them. It's so important to know what you want, need, will tolerate, and won't. If YOU don't know what you expect, if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

I also really realized a big issue I have. My greatest attribute and fault. I love and give with every ounce of my heart, without reservation. Is that a good thing? I think so ... but not when I don't pace it and don't moderate to whom and how quickly I share it.

I own a lot of responsibility for the way this situation turned out. Though the sharing and the communication and connection were GREAT it WAS overwhelming on both ends. And I contributed and pushed that a lot. I regret that. I think had I been wiser to moderating how much I shared, pacing myself, keeping more mystery about myself, then things *may* have turned out differently. I do believe he feels he needs to finish this other situation, however I truly believe he also ran in fear. Of how close we were getting, of where it might go, of the situation as a whole. And I know a lot of that is my doing. I sincerely didn't have the intention of pressuring him into ANYTHING. I had no time frame, no pressure, no need for concrete answers on us, yet I know that's the impression I gave. In retrospect, hell, I'd be scared of me. I won't say that I will stop caring with every ounce of me, however I will be smarter to moderate that and keep some mystery in the relationship. I have learned how the best of heart and intentions can be your biggest enemy.. .. ..

Overall I feel more at peace today. I am not sure what comes next or what will happen. BUT I know my expectations, my wants, and more importantly, how to buffer myself and hopefully give the "next try" with whomever a better chance.

Baby steps and faith ...

Today...

Is a little better than yesterday ... baby steps, right?

I saw a sign today at daycare. It's probably been there forever, but I just noticed it today. It says, "Faith is hope when you don't understand". I think I need more faith...

I will say, last night was better. I was surprised I did so well. Tuesday was supposed to be our standing date night. We were supposed to get together and watch the Biggest Loser (we had already picked our favorite team) and spend time together. So I was dreading last night ... big time ... and considered not even watching my favorite show. BUT I refuse to let this sadness and void rule my life.

Before Biggest Loser time, though, I helped my friend out with transporting her kids around. She had somewhere to be, her husband somewhere else, and her kids yet another place. So I brought them home to her. This is the friend that hooked M & I up.... So she asked what was wrong and I told her. She was so shocked and disappointed. She apologized and I told her there was no need; she couldn't have known this would happen... heck, I didn't know until it did. I was (am) pretty stunned too. It did help to talk things through with her, though. I know I have exhausted other friends. I just don't "get" it, so talking I find myself talking it through over and over, trying to make sense of it.

Anyways, I got home and was determined I was NOT going to give up watching BL because of this. I already am switching the radio every time Rascal Flatts comes on (the concert we had planned to go to together). So no more power over me!!

And I started watching the show. And I found myself thinking of last week, laying on the couch together watching it together. We would randomly look at each other ... nothing said, just staring at each other and smiling. That connection. That peace. That pure happiness. And I found myself smiling. What we share is something so special. We could say nothing and say a million things all at once. We were ourselves. It was easy.

I want to love and embrace those things. I want to remember and enjoy what we had. That was real. And it was awesome. I know that the love I want, the relationship I want IS possible. Would I love to share it with M, since we so obviously have it? Absolutely. However if he is unable or doesn't want to share it with me, at least I know it can exist. It may take a long time to find again ... I deserve that relationship. And I won't settle for anything less. Do I still hope and pray he has a V8 moment and we start over and share that again? Absolutely. I won't just sit and cry though. I will pray and I will have faith (see above) and I will continue forward. I do hope he catches up, however I cannot just stand still.

Mornings are the hardest time. We always messaged good morning. And I would tell him to be safe, and we missed each other and have a good day. So maybe putting it here will relieve some of the grief of not being able to tell him.. .. .. =(

WHY

does doing the 'right' thing feel 'wrong' and hurt so much??!!