The Sun Is Shinning

I always find I am in a much better mood when the sun is out. It's supposed to hit 70 degrees today and I couldn't be happier about it. Of course the rain is returning this weekend, but for today I'll prance around in my skirt and ballet shoes and soak in the sun!

With the change of the season also comes a change of mindset for me and new determinations. I am all alone right now and I like it. I really like it. There's two guys that are battling for attention right now though I'm not really into either. Mostly because, like most - if not all - guys I've dated of late, they get clingy! I am NOT into clingy at all. And there's that issue of going on ONE date and suddenly it's just "let's hang out and watch a movie or get dinner in". I am sorry, but I deserve a little winning-over. Just because you took me to dinner ONCE does NOT make you my boyfriend and movie buddy. I can have that with my girlfriends.

So my dating time with people is less and less because I am cutting them off at the knees pretty quick. Clingy? bye... Too comfortable? bye... Think you're "hitting it"?? bye... Yep, meet my standards or move on. Single is much better than stuck!!

So it's a new season and it's MY time. = ) Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who make others wait.. .. ..

Another month gone...

You know, I am kinda tired of my sob stories and the "this isn't working/that isn't working". Well, hello stupid, it's my own fault. I am the one that chooses to put myself in situations that just CAN'T be what I want them to be. That will never amount to more than heartbreak and disappointment. So why cry??

Because even though I set the stage, it doesn't make the tragedy any less. Our hearts break regardless of why they are broken. Our tears fall, regardless of why we cry. Even when we know it's our fault, it still has the same emotional reaction and claim on us.

So, I sit here, again at the mercy of my own doing. I have no one but myself to blame and I am just angry. At myself, at the situation, at the tears that fall. Mostly angry that I have put myself through so much that I hardly feel anymore. I should be crying and crushed right now and I'm just NUMB.

Damn me for doing this to myself over and over. To dulling my senses and numbing my heart.

I am done. I have to be. I have to rebuild myself from the inside out. I have to allow myself to FEEL again. And the ONLY one I can blame, the only one I can be disappointed in, is ME. Period.

So it's time to stop this pattern. Do I want this year to be better? YES. Do I want to be a good friend? YES. Do I want to be a good mother? YES. Do I want to find love? YES.

Then by God I need to grow the f* up and stop this... here and now... and for good.

Happy Holidays?

I am making the best of it I guess. This year has been such a roller coaster that being "happy" is somewhat of an effort. This is my first Christmas at "home" all by myself. Well, with Logan. Okay, without being a family. Okay, the more I say those things I call bull shit on myself. Family is what you make it and if family is just Logan and I well then so be it!! New traditions, new definitions of family!!

Overall I don't care that I'm not the family I was two years ago. I don't miss the ex at all and that's not a bone of contention. Now, Jonah, that's another story. I miss him with every ounce of me. It is so painful to not have him here with me. I miss him beyond words. That's my baby and he isn't here with us. Every morning this last week (and a few times throughout the day) Logan has said, "I want my Jonah". It breaks me. Logan knows this is a special time of the year and he is feeling down that Jonah isn't here with us too. That's the part of my family I truly miss....

We don't do anything traditionally. It wouldn't be ME if we did. Tonight I will wrap presents (yes, I am a procrastinator). My brother is spending the night and in the morning we'll open presents with Logan. Then have a Christmas breakfast. Then it's off to visit friends and end the day having dinner with some very close friends of mine. I feel so fortunate for the friends who take us in and love us as part of their families. It makes me happy for Logan, that he can see that family is who you make them, not just the ones you're born into.

Anywho, this year is coming to a close and I was super bummed. I felt dead-ended and just ... shitty ... about it all. I am lucky my 'family' has pulled me out of my funk. Things always get worse before better, now I think I'm passing through the worst of it. I finally feel a little optimistic about what's to come. I have a plan and a plan to back that up. And I'm confident my life and where I'm at this time next year will be completely different and wonderful!! I found an awesome quote that I'm making my mantra...

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Blessed Christmas to all and many wishes for a SUPER New Year!!! xoxo

Addiction

I have an addiction. I go through withdrawl like with any drug. I get moody, irritable, irrational, and sad. I find fixes in the wrong ways, just to have a fix. I am addicted.

Sometimes addicts put themselves in destructive situations to have their fix of their drug of choice. For me, its happened more and more. Allowing myself to be in situations that are dead-end or a temporary fix. Desperate to fill that need, I will neglect what is best for me in the long-run for that momentary high. I refuse to see the writing on the wall and try to believe that what is good right now is good enough.

You try to convince yourself you're not doing any harm. It's no big deal. That it's FINE. Is it though?? Is it okay to cry when you don't have what you NEED (so you think)? Is it okay to be sick to your stomach, waiting to know if you'll get your fix?? Is it okay to live each day waiting for the next time you have your drug??

No it's not okay. You have to find that inner strength to say "I'm better than this". To walk away and find that fix within yourself. To rely on your inner happiness to fill the void the drug smokescreens and pretends to fulfill.

That's where I am now... having to pick myself back up, stop relying on my fix, and rely on myself. Know I'm worth more and need to take care of myself.

And that I don't need anyone else.

And that my inner happiness is more than anyone can give me.

My name is Jennifer. I am addicted to love.

Another month...

Another month has gone by. Funny how time seems to just slip away.

So there seems to be so much going on yet so little to share. No guys in my life right now to really speak of. Not even sure what's happened/happening on that front. I know that I am standing up for myself and making sure I am getting what I want/need, which limits the dating pool. Haha. I really don't care at this point. Just too much energy to try to even invest into it. Single really isn't so bad. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes it is. Overall though it's managable and it's not as bad as a bad relationship. So for now I'm just fine where I am...

The house is officially in foreclosure. Got the notice on Saturday. I will contact the company one more time this week to see if there is ANYTHING they will do. If not I will start packing and wait for them to evict me. I am not leaving until they make me!! I knew it was coming so I am not too sad. A home is what you make it, so wherever I go will be home. The reasons I am upset are very fun and rediculous mostly, so I'll just leave it at that. But moving definitely seems on the horizon.

I have had a hard time lately reconciling that I don't have the family I wish I did. Thanksgiving was spent with me, Logan, and my brother. My mom didn't even bother to come by. Christmas will probably be the same. My friends have invited me to be with them Christmas day, but how pathetic and sad is that??? I just feel ... alone ... sometimes. In the deepest, saddest of ways. I feel most bad for Logan. That my brother and I are basically all he has... I am lucky to be surrounded by awesome friends. I suppose, though, at the holidays you think about how important family is and not really having any ... well, sucks a little. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all I have. Just feel Logan is being cheated... Which is another whole story and saddness...

Anyways, besides that crap things are good. Work is good and I am overall happy. I have been dieting and will start working out again today. For real, today. I realized I need to tone and no amount of dieting will help that. I will say I am thankful that for a year now I have maintained a size 6/8 and feel good in clothes. Naked, not so much, but clothes hide it all well.

I really am just kinda in a state of limbo right now. I know the responsible things to do in my life, and I know what my whimsical life wants. I just want to leave. Start over. Though I know that I can't. I just want to.

Oh well, I am sure things will get better. They really aren't BAD so I shouldn't be complaining. Just in a funk. It's the holiday's. I always feel this way at the holidays.... UGG.

Miss you Dad...

Things that make you go hmmmm....

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Wow....

Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..

Can't stop smiling ...

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!


Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!

And another great weekend.. .. ..

What an awesome weekend!

Friday I left work a little early to help N out ... he needed to go to Fresno to pick up another car and so I went with him to drive it home for him. The ride down there was so nice. We talked some, he took a phone call, I was texting ... just being!! Things are just so comfortable with him ... so normal. So we got down there, then headed right back in the separate cars. It was nice, to have the time to think, to reflect on how things are going... When we got back to his house I used his computer for a few and hung out with him and L, his daughter. They got into a WWIII wrestling match, which was HILARIOUS!! We were all joking and hanging out; having a good time. L wanted to go to the football game, so I took her and dropped her off. We had all the windows down, the moon roof open, and the music up ... so much fun! N came over and hung out for the few hours she was at the game. At least I *think* he was there ... Logan stole him! LOL

Saturday morning Logan and I got up and went to L's cross-country match. Holy smokes, talk about impressed. She ran a 3 mile course in 22:35. YES, a little over 7 minutes a mile!!! I was exhausted FOR HER. She had to stay the day, so Logan and I took off to his soccer game.... and N came too!! After that N went home and Logan and I went to clean house!! I had three kids on their way!! LOL. I babysat for a friend ... her three kids, 12, 7, and 3. =) My brother came over, too, and N and L. The kids all got along SO well and had a great time!! They were so well behaved ... I would watch them ANYTIME.

The downer was ... 10 minutes before dinner time N got a call-out. =( Had to respond to a crime scene. So he had to take off, but L decided to stay and hang out. And stayed. I offered to take her home, but she wanted to hang out. So we played Guitar Hero, Wii Fit, and talked ... until dad got home at 4 a.m.!!! YIKES!! It was so awesome though. Such a good time getting to know her!!

Sunday Logan and I were LAZY until soccer time at 1:00. N & L came out (N plays with us now). We had a good game, but lost, but I was too tired to care!! We left to go home for dinner, and L rode with me. ... . Told her dad "meet you there!". =) Soooo, I *think* she might like me!! Whooohoooo!! They came for dinner, and while it was cooking all four of us went out front and played soccer together. It was so nice and such fun!

After they went home (N had to work at 6) we relaxed and went to bed early. It was such a nice weekend and a great way to start the week. Here's hoping for many more good times with the people I adore!!! =)

(Little Less) Cautiously Optomistic

Last night I went to my friend Mary's house. Just to stop by and drop off some stuff. It turned into a long visit, which is always a treat with Mary. We were sorting candle orders and just kinda b.s.'ing when she asked about N. She said, "You haven't talked much about him, what's up?"

She's right. I don't talk about N much. I do not feel like this relationship is ANYTHING like the ones I have had in the past. I know I've already talked about this, but I don't feel fireworks and butterflies. I feel peace and security. And I am slowly, cautiously, falling in love with the man he is. I don't feel a need to grasp to him or make labels. I don't need a plan or a commitment. I don't need anything but the moment with N. I talked those things through with Mary and she was beaming. She said, "this one is so different, and different is good."

I have talked to Nikki, Mary, my brother, and my counselor about N. And all have said that he could be "the one". I think maybe, though I'm in no rush to make that happen. I weigh everything with him. Pro's/con's ... likes (no dislikes yet) ... On paper, he is everything I want and need. He is secure, he has a great career, he's a phenomenal father, and he treats me like a princess. In my heart, he is everything I want. And some stuff I didn't even know I wanted. Goofy as heck, silly, and just full of life.

After talking to Mary I went home and N and I started talking. We shared a lot of the thoughts we both were hesitant to share. We have both been able to see ourselves sharing a home. Sharing our families. We are both willing to take our time getting there though. And I think that balance is what will make it work. I told him I am not ready to share all of me. I am scared and I can't be hurt again. I have to keep him at arms length and slowly allow him in. He is okay with that and willing to put in the time and effort to make this work. He is such a good man and words cannot fully express how good he is to me. How caring, compassionate, and patient.

So we will continue building this foundation we have started. Letting it go as naturally as possible, and puling back the reigns when necessary. I will say, I am ubber excited today. N is working overtime and his daughter needs picked up from school so I am going to get her. And she's happy about that. ;) She likes me, and Logan likes N, so at least one big hurdle has been cleared!!

Still hesitant, still scared, however holding faith in God, myself, and N ... and just trusting the process!!

Great Weekend

I had such a fun, great weekend!!

Friday night was so great. Logan and I went home and I made dinner. Which used to be a normal thing for me, but lately I had been lagging. It's so hard to make a dinner for two. Leftovers go to waste and it's a lot of effort for just the two of us. Soooo... we had company! I invited my brother and N over!! I made ranch chicken, rice pilaf, and broccoli. Yummmmmmy. They all enjoyed dinner so much. It was kind of nerve wrecking, and exciting, to make dinner for N. Luckily he doesn't cook, so anything is good, and he absolutely loved it and is still raving about it. For good measure I also made him brownies (his favorite) for dessert. We (brother, N, and I) stayed up late visiting and them getting to know each other. We had such a great night!!

Saturday was another great day. Logan had woke up Friday night coughing and ended up throwing up from it. We had a long night because of it, so we stayed home Saturday morning to rest and hopefully feel better. He was doing good, so he went with friends to a huge pumpkin patch and to spend the night so I could go off with my friend Kelli for the night. We went to a San Jose Sharks game! I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a hockey game, so it was an awesome time!!! Sooo much fun. We got home super super late, but it was so worth it!!

Since Logan spent the night with friends, I got to sleep in!! And boy did I ... until 11:15!! Wooohooo!! It was soooo nice and for once I felt fully rested and not tired!! I got up and went to get Logan and then soccer. N started playing soccer with us, so we met out there. It was a lot of fun playing soccer together. He did pretty well besides feeling like he'd die because he's out of shape. hehe. We'll take care of that. ;) He also brought his daughter, and it was nice to meet her! We all had lunch together afterwards and I *think* it went well. After that Logan got a much-needed haircut then we went home to veg. We left the house one last time, to take N some snacks and say good night. Then it was a peaceful, happy night at home.

So ended a great weekend and started a great week!!

Feeling Well-Balanced

So another relationship has started for me. And I think I'm as tired of my relationships as my friends are. Always someone new I'm excited about and head over heels about. I know my friends are hesitant and tired of hearing about it. Hell I am out of enthusiasm myself.

And I don't have that zest and enthusiasm this time. I am not head over heels. I am not in love. I am, however, very happy and very at peace.

Things with N have been easy. This relationship feels a lot like the last. Those things I was so devastated I was losing are all right here again. N and I communicate very well. We can talk for hours. We check in on how our days are (his are always much more exciting, lol). We are very comfortable with each other. The ease of sharing our time together is so nice.

My brother met him the other day and really, really likes him. He said "This guy is really great. I hope it works". N has a good balance about him. He is a man's-man, being the big-bad cop ... yet he has a heart of gold and treats me like a complete princess. I have NO doubts he would NOT hurt me and will value and treasure me for a long time to come...

He has spent time with Logan and they are the best of friends now. They play Lego's (N bought three sets the other day for them to build together). Now that's all Logan wants to do. He asks when N is coming over all the time. They have a definite bond.

And yesterday I met his daughter. She is 15 and beautiful, sweet, and a lot of fun. We talked some at soccer, and then all went out to lunch together. I *think* she likes me and N says he's pretty sure she does too. I sincerely hope so.. .. .. It frightens the heck of me that I could potentially have a 15y old step-daughter someday, but she is a good girl and I can see us having a great relationship.

So, I guess I will say I'm very cautiously optimistic. I don't want to invest too much of my heart or get my hopes up. I do enjoy N's company very much though and cannot deny that the comfort of our company feels great and is something I long to have long-term.

We'll just keep going day-by-day and see how it goes. I do feel blessed, though. And fully realize and appreciate that truly when one door closes another does open. Normally with greater potential and possibilities than the last!!

Hmmm....

You know, life really is sweeter when you take it one day at a time. When you appreciate the moments. And so is a relationship, as I'm learning. So I have been on the fence with how I feel about N. There still aren't mad crazy sparks and "I am dying to see you" feelings. There isn't a need for a label or to know "what's next". And I like it. A lot. I like that I am uncertain on how I feel, however I know that each time we talk I want to know a little more. I like that he is interested in me, though he's patient to take the time to get to know me. I like that we smile ... a lot. Laugh a lot. And can sit in silence and still be grinning just as much. There is a level of comfort that is soothing. Like hanging out with a good friend. I can see a future with him though I'm in no rush to make that happen. It's nice to be "going with the flow". We spend a lot of time together, and balance time apart. It's good.

And he is the single most genuine, sincere, sweet person I know. He treats me like an absolute princess and I have no doubt he would not even imagine to look elsewhere while we are together. He appreciates the small things and shares those with me. It's nice to hear randomly "you are beautiful". And then in the next sentence picking and laughing at each other.

He is coming over again tonight. I was looking forward to maybe watching a movie and hanging out. He is headed to Target right now, though. To get Lego sets. To build with Logan. Guess my date night will be another night. Tonight is fun with Logan night. Guess the boys will have to teach me how to build with Lego's. And just the thought makes me grin from ear to ear .. .. ..

Wonderful weekend and new possibilities.. .. ..

This weekend was really good. Surprisingly good.

Friday night I had a date. I was set up with this guy by a very close friend of mine. She said he's a sweetheart and thought we'd click. So, why not??

The first thing that impressed me about him was his take-charge attitude. Instead of beating around the bush, he just straight out asked me out. Then he asked if I'm okay with surprises and set up the date and just told me what time to be ready. It was nice not having to make any decisions or figure out anything beyond what to wear.

So I wasn't really nervous OR excited about the date. I felt really relaxed and just viewed it as an opportunity to hang out with someone new.

The date ended up being fantastic. He (N) picked me up right on time and we instantly clicked. I was good to keep conversation light and had low-key talk and banter. He took me to play putt-putt which I LOVE. And it's such a fun, light-spirited thing to do. Provided plenty of time to hang out and talk and be goofy and silly. Which we did all the above. We ended up golfing all three courses and had such a fantastic time. After that we played some air hockey. Then we were off to "part two" of the date. :) He took me to Marie Calendar's for dessert! We had such good conversation and just really enjoyed the company!

Afterwards he took me home and stayed until 4 am. We got to know each other, but I was careful to keep a lot back. I have two 'major' things I think is important to share, and did, and he wasn't phased by either. Besides that, though, I kept the conversation more on him and a little lighter, for the most part.

Saturday was going to be a low-key, hang around the house kind of day. Logan was chilling and I decided to ask N if he wanted to just come hang out. So he did. What surprised me the most was Logan's immediate draw to him. Which surprised and worried me. Lately Logan has had an ambivalence towards people...not really interested in making new friends. I was kinda counting on that when I invited N over. But within five minutes Lo was showing him toys and before I knew it they were building Lego spaceships and flying them around the house. They definitely instantly clicked. N stayed and hung out throughout the evening and we all three were having a good time.

Sunday he came back again, for my soccer game. He came back to the house for just a few before Lo and I had to go to a football party and N had to go home to sleep before work. (He is a police officer, working through the nights). Logan was very upset that he was not staying with us. I really feel bad about that because what if it doesn't work?? hmpf.

I am a wee bit confused with N. I like him. He is very very sweet and treats me like a princess. The things he says and does blows my mind. I have absolutely no doubt he would hurt me like I have been hurt. And I look forward to talking to him again and seeing him again. I just feel almost too comfortable ... I don't even know how to explain it. We'll just have to see how it goes I suppose. I will say, it was a very nice weekend. I am just very hesitant. Very guarded. So we will see.. .. ..

Overall though I am very happy besides this situation. I feel good about things again. I had a great day with my friends yesterday. This week is busy with friends and sports. ((OH I am going to start playing softball on Friday nights, too!)) And we'll see what the weekend holds. I am just happy right now and that feels good!

Moving Forward

This week has been really good for me. I have continued to reflect and learn. I continue to grow from the experiences of my life. I feel so much lighter in the last two days and I let go of the past and am moving forward. So, emotionally, I am doing FANTASTIC and am optimistic for "what's next", whatever that may be...

Logan has been a little out of whack, as I think I mentioned before. He misses Jonah A LOT and keeps asking "when will he come home". I am hoping in time he will adjust. Right now we just spend a lot of time snuggling and sharing love. He is definitely more insecure lately and I want to do all I can to change that for him. He is doing fantastic in school though. He is suddenly interested in learning and having a good time with school. I am very proud of him. He is definitely growing up too fast though. Every day I look at him I think "where did my baby go?".

Things continue to be busy in our lives. I always think "this week will slow down". HA! This week I had my chiro appt/dinner/counseling on Monday, a candle party last night, softball tonight, soccer tomorrow night, a date Friday night, soccer Saturday and MUST clean the house, soccer for me Sunday and a football party. Exhausting just writing it out!! And that doesn't include work, union meetings, and negotiations. Oh the joys of life!!

Really, though, I cannot complain. Logan and I are healthy. We have good quality time together. We are active and share time with friends and together. Life really is good.

So irritated with myself.. .. ..

I am so irked with myself for not being able to just say "screw you" and walk away. And I'm not even positive anymore that it's M that I'm more upset about or just the path my life is on all together. I am so tired of being alone. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I am a good mother, and I am so proud of that. However, I want someone to share my life with. I want to be a good woman to my partner and share my day with someone. Have someone to go do things with or do nothing at all with. I don't NEED anyone, though it sure would be nice to have someone. I so get why some people are codependent or stay in bad relationships. I do NOT want relationships like that .... I "get" though the thought that it's better than being alone. NOT SAYING I WILL SETTLE because I will NOT. And I don't ever want to be in another codependent relationship. Just ready for more ... I know I need to be patient. I need to stick to what I want and deserve. I will not settle, I will not compromise. Just pray a lot that God decides it's "my turn" soon and the right match, right relationship comes my way.. .. ..

Not sure what's up...

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went out with friends, which ended up being a babysitting adventure that should have included stitches, but butterfly bandages instead. NO not for me... Reminds me why I don't go out often much anymore...

I slept so much this weekend. That's all I wanted to do. I was asleep by 830 both Saturday and Sunday night. And I still feel exhausted. Don't know what's up with that.

Mr. Logan has been full of p&v this past week and it's driving me insane. So I need to figure out what's up there and get that worked out.

Tonight is counseling again. Hopefully more progress can be made. Just in such a funk and I hate it. Wish I had the Magic 8 ball.. .. ..

And then there is anger ....

They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.

Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!

Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!

Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.

I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.

Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.

Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!

My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.

((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))

May I phone a friend?

When stuff like this happens in life you KNOW you aren't the ONLY ONE this has EVER happened to, though sometimes it sure does feel like it. So when you find someone who completely understands, who says "OMG, YES, that' exactly it" ... well, you hate they are hurting too, but you take comfort in knowing you really AREN'T alone....

Last night one of my longest-running friends (since we were 7!!) and I got to talking. And it's so unfortunate, but our lives are parallelling right now and we both know how bad it sucks butt!!!

We talked for over three hours. It was so enlightening. I think we both learned a lot about the people that have hurt us, though I am so proud that wasn't our focus. We both know that others can only change if they chose to. I had a few epiphanies that I want to share and, more important, write down to revisit when I get discouraged...

First, accept that people only as good as they know how to be. We cannot expect more than someone has to offer. If people are emotionally inept in certain areas, we cannot expect them to fulfill our needs in that area. We cannot hold them to a standard above their abilities to accomplish. So we have to decide if where they're at is adequate for what we need or if we need more. If so, we need to be strong enough to not settle and seek out a match to our criteria and needs.

Second, inspect what you expect. Don't be afraid to talk, ask questions, seek answers when you don't understand, when you're insecure, or when you have that 'gut instinct'. If you chose not to, then you're allowing deceit by omission or insecurities to sneak in....

Third, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk on you, they will. If you allow them to maintain relationships with others, they will. If you don't require them to respect you, they won't. If you don't set the minimum standards and expectations they will not meet them. It's so important to know what you want, need, will tolerate, and won't. If YOU don't know what you expect, if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

I also really realized a big issue I have. My greatest attribute and fault. I love and give with every ounce of my heart, without reservation. Is that a good thing? I think so ... but not when I don't pace it and don't moderate to whom and how quickly I share it.

I own a lot of responsibility for the way this situation turned out. Though the sharing and the communication and connection were GREAT it WAS overwhelming on both ends. And I contributed and pushed that a lot. I regret that. I think had I been wiser to moderating how much I shared, pacing myself, keeping more mystery about myself, then things *may* have turned out differently. I do believe he feels he needs to finish this other situation, however I truly believe he also ran in fear. Of how close we were getting, of where it might go, of the situation as a whole. And I know a lot of that is my doing. I sincerely didn't have the intention of pressuring him into ANYTHING. I had no time frame, no pressure, no need for concrete answers on us, yet I know that's the impression I gave. In retrospect, hell, I'd be scared of me. I won't say that I will stop caring with every ounce of me, however I will be smarter to moderate that and keep some mystery in the relationship. I have learned how the best of heart and intentions can be your biggest enemy.. .. ..

Overall I feel more at peace today. I am not sure what comes next or what will happen. BUT I know my expectations, my wants, and more importantly, how to buffer myself and hopefully give the "next try" with whomever a better chance.

Baby steps and faith ...