The Eve of New Beginnings.. .. ..

Today is New Years Eve and I've decided it's the Eve of New Beginnings for me. I decided to make a list of ten resolutions/goals for the new year. And I figured if I wrote them out here I would be more accountable to them. I can count on at least Nikki and Cyn to make sure I'm doing them! lol

10. EXERCISE - I love, love, love my body now. I *think* I've bottomed out and won't lose anymore weight. I am a comfortable size 6, sometimes 4 or 8. But I want to tone my arms, legs, and of course belly. So my resolution is to exercise at least 3x's a week. And to start walking again, at least 3x's a week, also. Not only is it good for my body, but it's good for my soul and will make me healthier overall.

9. WORK BETTER - Not necessarily harder, just better. I love my job and don't always give it the attention I should. So I commit to doing better there.

8. BE A BETTER FRIEND - I feel like I have sucked my friends dry this last year. They have been there for me soooo much, it's my time to give back. So I will let the people that are there for me know how much they mean to me and return the favor better.

7. WORK ON ME - I think I have come a long way this last six months, but I have a lot to still learn about myself and work on. I met someone recently and really wanted to see where it would go ... but then I saw the red flags, the possible "save me" syndrome, and immediately stopped it. THAT is progress for me. So I will continue to work in that. I have been getting to know me more... and, hell, I'm not half bad. lol.

6. SKYDIVE - Yep, skydive. I have always wanted to do it and just never have. SO I WILL skydive this year. Maybe more than once.. .. ..

5. YOSEMITE - The boys need to see Yosemite. It's beautiful and they have never been there. I will take them at least once to Yosemite and we'll go back to Sequoia National Park, too. We are too close to so much beauty to not take advantage of it.

4. SPEND TIME WITH THE BOYS - Jonah says I do a good job of it, but I want to do better. I want to have one Saturday a month that's a play-date with the kids. And at least one Friday night a month for movie night. They are the staple of my life and they need to know how important they are to me.

3. SLEEP IN MY BED - Sleeping on the couch doesn't make the bed any less empty. I need to face that fear, face that sadness, and stop hiding from the empty spaces in life.. .. ..

2. HANDLE THE BIZNAZ - Most importantly, this house. I need to get it figured out and I commit to crunching down and getting it done. It needs to be and procrastinating won't change anything.

1. LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I NEVER FEEL ALONE - It can get very lonely sometimes, being alone. I want to love myself so much that I never feel alone. That I can sit in silence and not feel engulfed by it. I want to find new hobbies, indulge myself in things that make me happy, and not want or need anyone to make me happy. Now THAT's happiness, right??

So, there it is. My list of resolutions for the new year, for the new beginning. I know that it won't always be easy. I know that I will still have peaks and valley's, but I am hoping the cliffs will be longer, the valley's will be small craters in the otherwise level land, and that sunnier skies are ahead. I KNOW that my actions, my behavior, my feelings, have a huge influence on that and I am committed to making this year the most beautiful, wonderful year I have had. I have a family of two amazing boys that I adore, an extended family full of love and support, friends who are priceless and mean more than words can say, and most importantly, I have ME. And I have underestimated myself and sold myself short for way too long. Time to live up to my potential. Time to celebrate the possibilities and make the best of the life I have. I turn 30 this year and I'm determined to take this new phase of life by the horns and grow and learn and be a better person this time next year. That's my hope, commitment, and excited anticipation on the eve of new beginnings.. .. ..

Have Mercy??

Will it ever end? This is yet another post about the ex. I know it's such old b.s. and the same crap over and over so stop reading if you're as tired of it as I am. But I have to get this out. Since, once again, she has contacted me and opened the wound I was so desperately trying to stitch closed.. .. ..

This week has been hard as it is. Coming off of the Christmas holiday has been hard. Though spending the time with my best friend and grandparent helped, it still ached in my soul that my "family" wasn't together anymore. Logan asked about the ex and still says, "She's coming back soon, right?" I don't even know how to answer anymore beyond just saying "no". Then this week is New Years. We had been planning to spend it in Las Vegas, oh so ironic now, since it's something we always wanted to do. And, the worst of it all, Saturday would have been our 9-yr anniversary. SO this week has been ... a challenge ... to state it simply.

I hit a really rough patch Sunday. I was just drowning in the pain. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I need to make her not exist. I had done it once before, I could do it again.

When I was 18 the ex came to me when she and her g/f got into a bad fight. She stayed with me and we had the most amazing week together. All the love we wanted to share together for so long we were allowed to experience. It was the happiest week of my life. Then she went home to get more clothes ... and didn't come back. Hours passed and she finally called and said she couldn't come back. Couldn't leave her (ex's) son.

I was devastated. Seriously crushed. I became very ill and didn't - couldn't - get out of bed for a week. I lost the one thing I wanted, the one thing that made me feel complete and happy. I was destroyed.

Yes, I see how mellow-dramatic that sounds, but it was true. There is some wicked connection for me to her that I cannot explain and I cannot will away. I have tried - Lord help me, I have tried.. .. ..

Anyways, after a few weeks of not talking to her things got better. I was able to pretend she just didn't exist anymore. That she didn't live in the same world as me. I was able to get out and about again, date, FUNCTION. Things were better.

A year and a half later she came back in my life. I remember very clearly the day she called my work. The moment I heard her voice my breath caught, heart skipped a beat, and I was in love all over again. She came to my work to visit that day and we were together from then on. I was hesitant, I knew what would happen if she left again. I trusted her, though. Trusted she'd never hurt me like that again.. .. ..

So here I am. Not nearly as incapacitated as last time, but still struggling nonetheless. So I asked her to please, please not contact me anymore. I have asked her more than once. I was doing okay this week, then she goes and contacts me again today. YES, I KNOW I shouldn't have talked to her, but she is good at guilting me and making me feel like the bad guy when I try not to talk to her. I am too weak, too worried about HURTING HER that I give in. All to set myself up for more hurt.

She wanted to know if Jonah hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her. How am I supposed to know?? Jonah doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to hurt more than I already do, which breaks my heart for him. He shouldn't have to protect me. Anyways, I told her to ask him and said that I do know he is angry and hurt. That I overheard him telling my grandma "I know she was in our lives a long time, but then she just left us. I don't understand how she could do that." He's mad. He's damn mad and hurt and he has every right to feel that way.

She just doesn't get it. She says she does, but she has no idea. She tries to compare her hurt, her 'pain'. It make me infuriated when she says she understands how the boys feel or how I feel. I cannot believe she has the audacity to compare her momentary, here-and-there, self-serving sadness to what the boys and I feel. She feels sorry for herself, NOT the boys. It's all about her not getting the attention from them, life not revolving around her. I told her to go back to her perfect, wonderful life and not worry about them. She has said she has everything she wants and so WHY does she worry about or bother herself with thoughts about the boys? No point. Like Jonah said, she walked out.. .. ..

She tells me that she understands how I feel. YES, I cheated on her during our relationship. I will admit my faults. But I NEVER walked out on our relationship. I was remorseful and did everything I could to make our relationship work. She says she knows my pain, NO I never walked out on our relationship, on our children. She has never rolled over in the middle night, reaching for the other half of her whole to find empty space. She hasn't consoled her upset children when they miss their parent who abandoned them. Yes, I am furious as I type this. So I know it's choppy, but DAMN IT I am so angry. I am so tired of her living her perfect life there, yet keeping one hand here, always keeping us at arms length. She said, AGAIN TODAY, that she wishes we could be friends. That tells me that she really has NO IDEA the damage she caused, the pain she inflicted and continues to.. .. ..

Anyways, I just need her to not exist. This was the point of the post. She needs to just not exist in my world anymore. Hearing her voice makes my heart skip still, makes all the love rush back. After all of this, it still does. Which very well tells me that's the way it'll always be. If I can't hate her now I will never be able to. Which tells me she was my soul mate, no matter how little I obviously meant to her. Which tells me I need her to GO AWAY. I need her to not exist in my world in order for me to heal and function in it. I know that sounds so weak. So stupid in so many ways. But it's the only thing that has worked and the only thing I know to do anymore.

So my only hope is that she will have mercy and leave me alone. I wish I could hate her, I really do, but I obviously can't. So she needs to just not BE in my world. As sad as that makes me, it's what has to happen for this to go away and for me to heal.. If she ever cared anything for me than I can hope she'll have mercy now. .. ..

Back from Vacation!!

Ahhh, it was so nice to go on vacation. To visit with family and friends. It's just always too short. LOL.

We spent the first part of our trip in OHIO with Nikki. We had such a good time. The boys and her daughter got along really well. She is right between the two boys in age, so she got along with both of them. She is a riot, I absolutely adore her. D (hubby) talked a lot more to me, which it was nice to get to know him. Nikki and I shopped, which is one of the best friend things we miss getting to do together. And we went out on Friday night and had a blast. I LOVE the place we went. It's a little pizza place with the cutest resident dog, Gypsy, who eats your pizza. LOVED IT. LOL. Good drinks, terrible carpet, good music (O*H*I*O, haha), and good food. Just sucked being the second tallest guy in Ohio. ROFL (That's for Nikki...) We did get a little snow on Saturday night. Just enough to coat the ground. It was awesome to watch the snow come down. It was COLD COLD COLD there. Nikki says you get used to it, I beg to differ. LOL. But it was wonderful and cozy in Ohio and so pretty. (but so cold when we left, lol.. 4 degrees, yes FOUR.. .. .. )

Then we were off to Georgia. (And mid-60's ... wth?? at Christmas??) Logan jumped into Granny's arms as soon as he saw her. It was so wonderful to see my grandparents and finally see where they live. On Monday when we got there we went to my aunts and my grandparents were blessed with five grandkids and 11 great-grandkids all together!! It was a zoo. LOL. But it was very nice. My grandparents home is beautiful. They live on five acres of land and it's quiet and beautiful there. The weather was so great that I was able to take a good book on the back porch and read for a good part of one of the days. I also got to see two of my great aunts, which was very nice. Spending Christmas with my grandparents was so nice; it had been four years since the last time we had that opportunity. I also got to see my uncle and aunt and cousin who I haven't seen in four years. S, my cousin, is growing up too fast. It scares me; I remember being a 14y old girl!! LOL. Everyone has changed so much, yet stayed the same.. .. ..

I also got to visit with Jonah's dad. It was so odd, it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. It didn't seem that 11 years had passed since we had seen each other. Visiting with him was very nice. I met his wife, too, and she and I (I thought) got along really well. She is very sweet, and I feel so fortunate that Jonah has such a good step-mom.

Especially since he HAS decided to move to live with his dad. I am sad about it, but I support Jo in his choice. He will leave toward the end of summer and spend at least the next school year there. So only seven months or so.. .. ..

(here comes the rest of the sadness, look away if you want)

Then Christmas just made me sad overall. I missed having my "family". It hurt. And this week is hard - This Saturday would have been my anniversary.. .. ..

Then we get home and I find out another couple we are close to is seperating. A couple my boys are close to.

I am just sad. So much has changed this last year and it seems like it'll never end. And I am mostly sad for my boys. Really, how much more should they have to endure?? I worry a lot for Logan. He'll lose a parent, a very close person, and a brother all in a years time. How's he going to handle all that??

UGH, I didn't want this post to turn south. But I just have to so much that's so heavy on my heart right now. Thank goodness I am home and can blog away. Be ready to be inundated with my random thoughts. They are too foggy, heavy, and hard to not get out now.. .. ..

2009 BETTER be BETTER!!!

Sometimes People Touch Our Lives.. .. ..

Sometimes we meet people and they leave permanent marks on our hearts. You may only know them for a moment or maybe for years, but their impact will be felt forever. When you meet someone you don't know how long they'll be in your life, but you learn in time to appreciate each moment you're given.

I bring this up because my best friend from work came up to me today and told me that no matter where our lives take us I'll always be special to him, always hold a special place in his heart. We have been so close over the last four years. Him being there for me and me for him through relationship issues. We laugh together. Cried. Just been good friends. And he's right. No matter what, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I just met someone who makes me smile. Who makes me think there is life after this breakup. And forever I'll be greatful for that. For that renewed hope, that renewed alive feeling.

There are so many people who I can say have made a difference, who have touched my soul in some way and I will never be the same. How lucky we are to have those opportunities. I am glad I was reminded today of how special, how real, our connections can be in our life and how blessed we are.. .. ..

Baby Fix and Best of Friends.. .. ..

First, Friday I got my baby fix!! My friend from work had her baby 5 days after Baby K was born. We had a retirement lunch for the boss Friday and she brought her little girl, Brooklyn. She is ADOREABLE!! I immediately stole her, of course. It was so sweet, cuddling and snuggling her. I took her for a good thirty minutes. Her little baby sounds and scrunchy face. It was so sweet. Until she cried.. .. .. then I had to give her back. It was a quick reminder that I had just had a baby too!! ROFL. So I got my baby fix for awhile. Plus I got an open invitation to come by anytime.. .. .. YEA!!

Today was a great day, too! Some of my surrogate friends and their kids came over to hang out and enjoy each others company. I am so fortunate to have such great surrogate friends. Sarah, Jessaca, and Erica were here. We had the easiest, best conversation. They all have hearts of gold and I have to say Erica CRACKS ME UP. She is so candid and funny. (hope you don't mind me talking about you Erica. hehe) The kids all got along so well and played great together. It was so funny - we had chocolate fondue and, of course, had marshmallows. I looked over and the kids had become creative.. .. ..

Yes, that's the gas fireplace and that's the kids pretending to roast marshmallows at the fire. It was hilarious!! The kids thought it was fun

and had a good time pretending it was actually working. They would "roast" their marshmallows then dip them in chocolate and smack 'em down.

The boys were bummed when everyone left. They really enjoyed the company so I guess we'll have to have another get-together soon. DARN. LOL. The kids, obviously, are going to be as social as their mom!

Actually, I really hope they do grow up remaining as social and outgoing as they are. I love that they can interact with other people so openly and aren't afraid to make new friends. It's a good quality to have, and I'm happy the kids aren't shy or reserved. I truly hope they hold on to that.

Anyways, wondering thoughts there.. .. .. Here's to good friends!!

Why do I do this to myself??!!

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

Feeling great!! .. .. ..

I can honestly say I am feeling great. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. .. .. I feel great.

Physically I am healing amazingly. It's only been two weeks since baby K was born, but I am back to normal and better. I had very little physical healing to do, as my labor was so quick. Weightwise, I have lost 38 pounds!!! I am a size 8, smaller than I have been in YEARS. Here's two pics, yes I'm bragging! LOL

Mentally and emotionally I am feeling so much better. I took a few days to sulk, stay in my pj's all day, and just FEEL it. Then I faced it; I took the emotions head on and faced it. I pulled myself together and said ENOUGH. And I feel better than I have in MONTHS. hehe, It feels amazing to be at this place. It feels good to laugh again, to smile, to enjoy life.

Here's to new beginnings and a new attitude!!

I *heart* San Francisco!

Yesterday was my annual bus trip to San Francisco. I have gone a few years now with one of my closest friends, Mary. Four of us hang out together - Mary, Trisha, Yo, and me. Allison was supposed to come, too, but couldn't at the last minute.

This bus trip is a blast!! There is so much laughing, joking, and friendship!! We do a little shopping and a lot of talking and hanging out. I had so much fun. I really felt.... free. I laughed so much and so hard my abs still hurt. We ate so much and had a few drinks. We shopped and had the most hillarious cab ride. It was so nice to get out of town, to relax, and to enjoy life and friendship!! Here are a few pics of my friends and I .. .. .. we really had a a fantastic time!! LOL

Trust.. .. ..

Sometimes I forget that trust should be earned. I forget that, though I'd like to think differently, people are not by nature good. I don't mean that people are bad at the root, but that overall the society we live in is quite selfish. People look out for themselves, their own wants and needs, and what benefits them the most. Not that they are necessarily bad people, but they don't neccessarily deserve faith and trust without earning it.

I often give 100% trust until given reason to not. At least twice now this year that has been manipulated and violated. The first time was devestating and changed my entire life. I made a friend that I believed in, trusted, and shared way too much with. Those things were used against me and destroyed my family. For self-gain by the other party. Which, it seems, is the true human nature. Recently it seems another person I know has broken the trust that friendships were built on. This time the motivation still eludes me, but it's never for the betterment of others.

I don't understand how people do not comprehend that their choices effect way beyond themselves. That they don't understand the pain, devestation, and heartache they can cause others. There is no concience, no consequence, no remorse. How hard does a heart have to be to be able to do that??

Hmmm, reading that I almost have to laugh at myself. Just a few years ago others could say those things about me. I was selfish. I didn't think about the consequences for others of my actions. I was the one to not trust.. .. .. I hate admitting that, I hate knowing I was that person, but I made poor decisions that hurt others, that broke trust, that broke hearts.. .. ..

Does it come with age and maturity that we learn the consequences and become accountable to ourselves and our actions? Or do we have to feel the true sting and burn of betrayal to open our eyes and hearts and make the conviction to never do that to someone else?

I don't know when or why we get the "ah ha" moment and find our accountability. But I really wish that in doing so we would also gain the discernment to see in others their true heart and motivations. I have to wonder what the greater plan is. What lessons are meant to be learned.

I guess I will just continue to roll with the punches. Continue to try and discern good from bad. I don't want to be jaded, I don't want to be distrusting. I guess I just need to be more guarded, more protective, and less open and welcoming. I hate that, as I am an open person. I am trusting, I am welcoming.

It's so difficult to find the fine balance; so frustrating we have to.. .. ..

Take me as I am or don't take me at all.. .. ..

A friend of mine and I were talking tonight. She was laughing at my brutal honestly lately. My unfiltered thoughts here and elsewhere. My new attitude.

I guess I hadn't realized that this new attitude was really emerging until she brought it to my attention. My first reaction was to appologize. I have done that for years. I have been who I was 'supposed' to be, whoever kept those around me happy, and lost track of myself.

I didn't appologize, but said just what I said above, "Well, take me as I am or don't take me at all." Yep, that's my new driving force. I am going to be loyal to ME. I am going to say what I think, do what I want, and be who I am. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will appreciate the change. BUT I will be loyal to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and who I am.

Writing that, I feel a little selfish. Then I remember that in order for us to be healthy people we NEED to stay true to ourselves. We need to figure out who we are and stay loyal to that. Either others can appreciate us for who we are and compliment our lives or not.

To be a whole person you have to know who you are, be confident in that person, and move forward with conviction. Stand by who you are. Stand by what you believe, think, and the dreams you follow.

I think others hold you in higher regards when you are a strong, confident person. When you can say with conviction and might "This is me". Consistency and sincerity go a long way.

So, this is my new motto. This is my new drive. I am going to figure myself out. I am going to discern what is "me" and what others want me to be and remain loyal to ME. Some people will appreciate it, some will loathe it.

I, for one, will appreciate it. Just the small changes I have made, the small steps I have taken, excite me and I know I am doing the right thing for me. And it feels so good to feel on the right path.

Things ARE going to be better, things ARE okay, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.. .. ..

Dating.

Just typing the word makes my heart race and palms sweat. Seriously, dating?? Me?? I dunno about all that.

Quite a few friends have mentioned that I should get my feet wet back in the dating world. Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start. I have no idea how to meet people. How to get a date or ask for one.

I have spent my entire adult life in a relationship. My ex and I got together when I was 20. So, seriously, my entire adult life I have been in a relationship. I have no idea how to date. How to meet people.

See, I'm going full circle with my thoughts. It makes me dizzy.

Seriously?? DATING??

What the heck??

I don't mind being attacked and confronted if I know WHY I am being attacked and confronted, know what I mean?? But an out-of-the-blue jumping is never fun. I had hoped that the ex and I had found a level of peace. The last contact we had was a "thanks for letting me see the kids"/"your welcome" messaging the other day. Nice enough on both ends, right? Then today I get bombarded with threats, hateful words, and mean spewings of hate .. .. .. what did I do??!! Seriously, I wish she would tell me something beyond "I hate you / I am done with you".

I guess it really doesn't matter what I did, perceived or real. I have always known that in her mind everything is my fault and I'm going to take the blame. She says that the boys can contact her, but she won't contact them and wants no contact with me. Honestly, it's better for us to not have contact, but it makes me sad she's writing off the boys. Honestly, I think it's too hard on her and -again - she's running away.

I told her I hope she finds peace, and I really hope she does. It seems her heart is still in turmoil and that she hasn't found what she claims she's looking for. I will always love and care about her and therefore hope that she can come to terms with what torments her and can live a healthy, happy life.

I miss her. I miss her friendship. But I won't miss these random attacks and I won't miss the blame game. I just wish it could be different. I wish that there wasn't so much anger and hate. I wish that 16 years of friendship wasn't being tossed aside.

But, wishes seldom come true, and it's time to let it go and move ahead.. .. ..

Friendship.. .. ..

There is something special about a good friend. I am very fortunate to say that I have a handful of really good friends. People that I know are there for me. Even if we don't talk all the time, even if we aren't super close, they are there for me and me for them. I am so fortunate for that.

Not only do I have those friends, but I have the gift of a very, very special BEST FRIEND. People say they have best friends all the time, but I don't think very many people get to experience the gift of a very best friend in the purest of forms.

I have a best friend. A friend that would do anything for me. A friend that loves me unconditionally. Not only has she said it, she has shown it over and over.

Nikki flew across the country to hold my hand at a time she knew I would need her the most. She knew not only would I need her as my birthing coach but as my emotional support. She knew the overwhelming emotions I would feel and knew I would need support. So she spent the weekend in and out of the hospital with me, at my house watching my kids. It was her birthday weekend and instead of spending it with her family she spent it with me at the hospital, then at home with me and my boys. Who does that?? LOL. She held my hand in labor and has permanent scars from my nails. She held me and cried with me. She took care of my kids. I cannot express my gratitude in full in words.. .. ..

Beyond that she has listened to me for the last six months crying over the same subject over and over. I know that it gets old. I know that it gets annoying. Yet she continues to listen and support me. She continues to let me cry and relive the same pain over and over. She loves me and supports me unconditionally.

Never in the world could we hope for friendship so pure, so open, without conditions or stipulations. I don't know how I got so lucky to find such a great friend. Over 2,000 miles away, a chance meeting, and a lifetime of secrets, friendship, support, and love. How lucky am I? I hope that I am HALF the friend to her that she is to me. And I hope for everyone a friend so wonderful.. .. ..

Loss.. .. ..

These last two weeks have made me face everything I was trying to hide from for the past few months. These last two weeks, though, were horribly painful. It started to hit me during labor. I was sitting there, rocking in the chair, praying for pain relief, and it hit me. She wasn't here with me. We started this journey together, she promised she would never leave or abandon me, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there!!! I lost it. I started bawling. I felt horrible. My IP's were sitting across the room from me. Mom - my ex's mom - was sitting across the room from me. And I was just bawling. Nikki was sitting next to me and she wrapped her arm around me and cried with me. She knew.. .. .. with no words, she knew. I sucked it up as quick as I could. I had to get mad. I had to get darn mad over and over while in labor. I hated her at that moment. I hated all the lies, all the broken promises. I hated feeling abandoned, and I hated missing her and wishing she was there.

After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.

I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..

Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.

And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.

And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.

This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..

Thanksgiving.. .. ..

Thanksgiving was a good day. Overall-ish. LOL. The boys and I spent the day with my (ex) BIL and MIL. It's weird to call them 'ex' family when it never feels that way. Same as on Thanksgiving. My BIL was picking on me more again. He said "glad you're not pregnant anymore, I can pick on you again" lol. We had a ton of great food. Mom is a great cook and there is ALWAYS more than enough. BIL makes a killer ham. Yummy, yummy, yummy. LOL

Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.

So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!

On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..

But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.

The birth of baby girl K!!

Thursday, November 20th, my sweet surrogate baby arrived in the world. Here's a shortened version of what happened. Yes, this is shortened. LOL.. .. ..

I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.

So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).

Anywho, we held tight over night.

FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.

Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.

At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..

So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.

So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..

Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.

The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..

I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.

M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..

I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKK.. .. ..

Miss me?? Ya, didn't figure that you'd realize I was gone. Haha. I have so much to update. So there will be a few posts tonight. I couldn't put it all in one long post, no way!! So here's the first of a few to bring things current. LOL.

Here's what's ahead.. .. ..

Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship

So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol