The last few days have been a whirlwind. Sometimes it's nice to stand on the other side and breath a sigh of relief that you made it through.
It started Thursday when I started getting right side pain in my back. Within hours I was in the hospital. Long story short, they *think* I had a kidney stone. Because of the stone and the pain associated I was contracting. I ended up in Labor and Delivery where they pumped two bags of fluids, one bag of anti-biotics, two shots of Turbiduline (to stop contractions), and a six hour rest to get everything calmed down. I finally felt better, contractions stopped, and they sent me home on meds. I am taking Procardia every four hours around the clock (zzzzz, I'm tired) to keep the contractions away. It is working, though, so it's worth it.
Friday night the ex came into town and picked up the boys. It was ... odd ... seeing her again after so many months. I wasn't sure how I'd feel, and I guess I was a ball of mixed emotions. On one hand I missed her and felt a rush of love for her, in the same instant I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Saturday I went to my niece's soccer games, as the boys and I do ever week, and she was there with them. She was so sweet and caring again. Rubbing my belly, pushing my hair behind my ear, babying me with my swollen feet.. .. .. But I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I knew I couldn't allow myelf to take it as anything more than her being nice. I couldn't allow myself to feel what I used to feel. I couldn't allow myself to hurt again.. .. ..
She and the boys came by the house afterwards. She needed to look for a blanket.. .. .. she ended up having lunch there with the boys and hanging out for a bit until I had to hurry and take them back so I could get ready to go to a wedding. It was different having her in the house. Again, almost like a stranger, a visitor. I don't know if it's because I didn't want to feel anything or that I really feel like she IS a stranger, like I don't even know her. Which, really, is how I feel most the time.
We actually got along well most of the weekend. Sunday she brought the boys to the lake where I was at a church lunch and we started to have a good talk. We talked about how she's somewhat hurt by the changes I am making in my life and how she wishes I could have made them when we were together. Of course we did end up arguing at one point. Too many wounds, too much hurt still. The whole anniversary before she broke up with me. She finally admitted the date, and I quickly put it together as the night they spent alone in LA. The weekend she swore to me nothing happened and she'd always love me and never leave us (me and the boys). I have to wonder how a relationship built on lies and hurting others can be a good thing.. .. ..
Anywho, she left with us fighting again, this time about the kids and her insistance that it's fine if her girlfriend is around them. She cornered Jonah and I was furious at her for putting him in that position. He said, "I don't really care, as long as I get to see you." How does she not see that's him putting his feelings aside, taking whatever he has to, just to see her? He was bawling when she left, again walking out of their lifes for goodness knows how long. It breaks my heart to see the boys hurt, but she doesn't seem to see that part. She thinks it's okay to swoop in for two days every two months and everything is okay. NOW she thinks she visited once alone with them, so it's okay to bring the girlfriend next time. Really, if you only see "your kids" every two months don't you think it should be one-on-one time and they shouldn't have to share you?? We'll see what happens.
I do know that my heart still aches sometimes. That I'll always love her. But that she is not the person I fell in love with and not someone I respect. After she was gone for a few, things returned to normal and the boys and I were okay again. THAT felt good. To know that we have eachother and we'll always be okay.. .. ..
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Jo's Big Update!
Jonah's parent-teacher conference went GREAT. His teacher said he's been doing well on his work and getting along well in class. He said his reading needs to improve, which I've known. Jonah does NOT enjoy reading or anything "English" related.
BUT he does love math. And he's always excelled at it. So much so that he tested on an 8th grade level!!! He's in SIXTH grade right now. He's been recommended to the GATE program, an advanced class to help challenge him so he doesn't get bored. It's a huge honor to be accepted to GATE and I am soooo flippin' proud.
I am also proud and happy that Jonah is taking the initative to do well. I have not been checking his homework or correcting it. I told him at the beginning of the year that I trust him to get his work done, done right, and turned in. I told him that I would not micro-manage him unless he gave me reason to. So far, the teacher says there is no reason to, that Jonah is doing what he needs to get done. I am so proud of him for doing as he promised and taking care of his responsibilities.
I must say, it's hard to watch your kids grow up, but there is so much pride in seeing them develop into responsible young men.. .. ..
BUT he does love math. And he's always excelled at it. So much so that he tested on an 8th grade level!!! He's in SIXTH grade right now. He's been recommended to the GATE program, an advanced class to help challenge him so he doesn't get bored. It's a huge honor to be accepted to GATE and I am soooo flippin' proud.
I am also proud and happy that Jonah is taking the initative to do well. I have not been checking his homework or correcting it. I told him at the beginning of the year that I trust him to get his work done, done right, and turned in. I told him that I would not micro-manage him unless he gave me reason to. So far, the teacher says there is no reason to, that Jonah is doing what he needs to get done. I am so proud of him for doing as he promised and taking care of his responsibilities.
I must say, it's hard to watch your kids grow up, but there is so much pride in seeing them develop into responsible young men.. .. ..
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Today is a New Day.. .. ..
That is the words I start my day by every day now. When I wake up I tell myself, "Today is a New Day" and I say a short prayer, meditate for minute, and then get up and get moving. It's amazing how taking just a few moments to align your mind and heart for the day starts you off refreshed and ready to face the world.
Today is going to be an exciting day. It's parent-teacher conference day! I will get to meet Jonah's teacher and see how he's doing. I asked him this morning if there was anything I should know before meeting his teacher. He paused, then said, "Yes, there is". He proceeded to tell me that he had a few late assignments in the beginning of the year. He said they were penmenship papers, practicing his cursive writing. He says that he did get them in, but they were late. He lost them on his desk at home. So we talked about how we can organize his desk better and we're going to go get bins for him to store stuff in and clean off his desk a little. I told him I was proud of him for being honest with me and that we'll see how the meeting goes and we'll figure it out from there. The maturity he showed in opening up to me was so impressive though and I was so proud of him. So I am looking forward to meeting the teacher and seeing his viewpoint on things and going from there. But, regardless of what is said, I am proud of Jonah for being honest and owning his mistakes. He is showing maturity some adults I know still don't!!!
That's the big news for the day, and an update is sure to come tomorrow.
My only other objective tonight is to *hopefully* finish my book. I am on the edge of my seat wanting to know how it ends!!! LOL.
Today is going to be an exciting day. It's parent-teacher conference day! I will get to meet Jonah's teacher and see how he's doing. I asked him this morning if there was anything I should know before meeting his teacher. He paused, then said, "Yes, there is". He proceeded to tell me that he had a few late assignments in the beginning of the year. He said they were penmenship papers, practicing his cursive writing. He says that he did get them in, but they were late. He lost them on his desk at home. So we talked about how we can organize his desk better and we're going to go get bins for him to store stuff in and clean off his desk a little. I told him I was proud of him for being honest with me and that we'll see how the meeting goes and we'll figure it out from there. The maturity he showed in opening up to me was so impressive though and I was so proud of him. So I am looking forward to meeting the teacher and seeing his viewpoint on things and going from there. But, regardless of what is said, I am proud of Jonah for being honest and owning his mistakes. He is showing maturity some adults I know still don't!!!
That's the big news for the day, and an update is sure to come tomorrow.
My only other objective tonight is to *hopefully* finish my book. I am on the edge of my seat wanting to know how it ends!!! LOL.
In the single digits!
Only 9 weeks left of this pregnancy. I am now in my 31st week and feeling good. I am walking a few nights a week with my friend Mary. We are doing 2 miles a night when we get out and it feels great, both for the body and the soul!! The girl-talk is great and the whole experience is refreshing! This little girl is full of energy and hiccups! She seems happy in there and I am getting some relief from the ligament pains. My weight gain is still slow and steady and besides the fatigue and heartburn I feel super!!
I was telling Nikki that I was getting so big. She didn't believe me so I sent her a pic to prove it.. .. ..
I was telling Nikki that I was getting so big. She didn't believe me so I sent her a pic to prove it.. .. ..
She responded that no, I am still small. I don't FEEL small, so I thought, "I'll prove it!!" and I put on my walking clothes and took another picture and sent it to her.. .. ..
I said, "See, I AM BIG!" I told her that in my "regular clothes" (size M non-maternity yoga capris and a size L non-maternity shirt) you could really see how big my belly is!! She so cleverly pointed out that I cannot be "BIG" at 31 weeks and still fitting into NON-Maternity clothes!!! Okay, why didn't I realize what an oxymoron that was going to be??!! LOL
SO I guess I conceed. I am not that big, but I AM growing!! Like I said, though, overall I feel fantastic and I cannot WAIT for this little girls family to meet her in just NINE short weeks!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Today was a Good Day!!
So, today was a good day! It started out shabby, but went from there. Make yourself comfy, this will be a little long.. .. ..
First, I woke up late. Again. As this pregnancy progresses (31 weeks tomorrow!!!) I find myself more and more fatigued. This little sweetie is definitely growing like a weed and gaining strength. I must say, most people look at this as the uncomfortable, dreaded last few weeks of pregnancy. I am loving it! I love seeing the sudden burst of growth, the amazing amount of movement that will rock my whole abdomen, the shift of the hips - signaling the impending delivery of a new life into the world. I love every bit of it.. .. .. but it does make a body exhausted! So, I snoozed the alarm and woke up a little late.
I have a bad habit of getting frantic and rushing around like a tornado. I get the kids in a flurry and push them to hurry up and I'm not always as nice as I should be. On Sunday at Church our Pastor talked about our first love and remembering to stay true to that. To stay true to our family and friends and cherish them. Make your living for them, not making a living. So, I stopped and said a quick prayer, asking for patience and peace and a gentle tone with the kids. Things went more smoothly than I could have hoped and we left the house only 3 minutes later than I wanted!! And we were all in a good mood and geared up for the day.
I knew that I was still on track to be a few minutes late for work. I again prayed for patience and the ability to just take the morning in stride. Here's the cool part.. .. .. I dropped the kids at daycare and made my way down the road to turn onto the main road and head to the freeway. Inevitably every day I get stopped at the red turn light as I'm trying to get from the relatively quiet road to the bustling road. I anticipate this and know it's a given. I am over a quarter mile away and see that the turn light is green. YEP, NEVER going to make that light. I get closer and it's still green. Mind you, there is NO other traffic my direction but me. The opposite light is filling fast with cars. I keep going, still green...still green...I make the turn, and after I'm all the way through it turns yellow. Now, this may sound silly to some, but I knew better. I knew that in the six months I have been driving that way this has NEVER happened. I knew it was a gentle nudge telling me I AM NOT alone and "someone" is on my side. Talk about a good way to start the day!!!
I got to work and my heart was heavy from the conversation the night before (read down two blog entries and you'll understand). I had to let it out. My best friend in the whole world, Nikki, read it over and walked me through it. She dissected it, brought it into perspective, and made me giggle and laugh the whole thing off. Nikki has been the most amazing, wonderful person to have touched my life. I don't think even SHE knows how much she has helped healed my soul and saved me from myself. She is one of those true friends who knows what to say, when to say it, and when to just send her love in full force and say nothing at all. By far today - and every day - she is a blessing at the top of my list!!! (LOVE YOU NIKKI!!)
My next bit of good in the day was getting an email from my childhood friend Kyla. Kyla and I were part of a group in Jr. High that was inseparable, dynamic, and the core of my Jr. High experience. We all experienced our fair share of joy, tears, laughter, and sadness. Due to the AF base closing many of us were separated right after Jr. High. Kyla and I had reconnected last year, then off again (my fault, I own it and apologize) and have since reconnected again. Kyla has also stayed in contact with my Jr. High Soul Sister, Jennie. Jennie and I were ALWAYS together. Her mother was the mother I never had. Her brother was another little brother to me. Her dad would call from the war and I was included in the conversation as one of the kids. Her family was - and always has been and will be - a huge part of my life and heart. Unfortunately, I am TERRIBLE about staying in touch and lost touch shortly after she moved. Something I have ALWAYS regretted. Well, that's a long story to get to the good news. Today Kyla told me that both she AND Jennie will be in California at the end of October!!!!!!!! We are making plans to all get together for the day!!! When I read the email, I cried. My heart swelled up thinking of it and how wonderful it will be to see two of my dearest most beloved friends again. I cannot wait to make a final plan and to see them. AND TO NEVER LOSE TOUCH AGAIN!!!!! Part of my new plan in life.. .. .. making sure those that matter most KNOW IT!!! So that was good times #3 for the day.
Then I pick up the boys and we head home. Jonah and I have been talking about doing a chore chart, though we've never completed it. But I asked him, "What do you think about starting our nightly chores tonight?" He said, "Okay, sounds good Mom". The idea is that we can do a few things each night during the week as part of our routine, then the weekends we can relax and enjoy each others company. So we get home and we divide up what to do. Jo got vacuum duty, just for the tile floors. Which, in our house, is a lot. On his own initiative he added the bathrooms. (So proud of him). Logan had to clean up his room, as a hurricane had hit yesterday. And I had to put away laundry that was done but hadn't quite made it to closets, drawers, and cabinets. We all set off to work and in an hours time we'd all finished our chores. We congratulated each other, thanked each other, and all just felt good about working together as a team. Tomorrow Jo and I will get on the computer and "map out" our chores, assigning tasks to each day. It felt so good to all work together and accomplish a goal together. And seeing the boys participation and enthusiasm was such a boost. Great moment #4.. .. ..
Finally, the last great moments of the day. The "me" time. My friend Mary and I went on our walk together. We're trying to get into a routine, though right now it's more "can you go tonight?". We walk for about 45 minutes, chatting away, and completing a 2 mile heart-to-heart. I always feel refreshed spiritually and physically. I LOVE our walks! After I got the boys in bed I sat down and read. I MISSED reading. I didn't realize how much until I started getting into it again. I read up to the designated page (book club, ya know) and then I caught up on a little DVR. Sitting there, I looked around and thought, "Life is good". Really, I have things I could worry about. I have stresses I could focus on. But when it all boils down to it at the end of the day, life is good.
I feel so blessed today. Blessed that I'm never alone, that I have great friends who NEVER leave my side, great friends who are resurfacing, two AMAZING awesome little boys (don't tell Jo I called him little though), and a great person in myself who, even at the end of the night - sitting there all alone, is great company to be around and someone I love and enjoy.
Like I said, today was a good day and life IS good.. .. ..
First, I woke up late. Again. As this pregnancy progresses (31 weeks tomorrow!!!) I find myself more and more fatigued. This little sweetie is definitely growing like a weed and gaining strength. I must say, most people look at this as the uncomfortable, dreaded last few weeks of pregnancy. I am loving it! I love seeing the sudden burst of growth, the amazing amount of movement that will rock my whole abdomen, the shift of the hips - signaling the impending delivery of a new life into the world. I love every bit of it.. .. .. but it does make a body exhausted! So, I snoozed the alarm and woke up a little late.
I have a bad habit of getting frantic and rushing around like a tornado. I get the kids in a flurry and push them to hurry up and I'm not always as nice as I should be. On Sunday at Church our Pastor talked about our first love and remembering to stay true to that. To stay true to our family and friends and cherish them. Make your living for them, not making a living. So, I stopped and said a quick prayer, asking for patience and peace and a gentle tone with the kids. Things went more smoothly than I could have hoped and we left the house only 3 minutes later than I wanted!! And we were all in a good mood and geared up for the day.
I knew that I was still on track to be a few minutes late for work. I again prayed for patience and the ability to just take the morning in stride. Here's the cool part.. .. .. I dropped the kids at daycare and made my way down the road to turn onto the main road and head to the freeway. Inevitably every day I get stopped at the red turn light as I'm trying to get from the relatively quiet road to the bustling road. I anticipate this and know it's a given. I am over a quarter mile away and see that the turn light is green. YEP, NEVER going to make that light. I get closer and it's still green. Mind you, there is NO other traffic my direction but me. The opposite light is filling fast with cars. I keep going, still green...still green...I make the turn, and after I'm all the way through it turns yellow. Now, this may sound silly to some, but I knew better. I knew that in the six months I have been driving that way this has NEVER happened. I knew it was a gentle nudge telling me I AM NOT alone and "someone" is on my side. Talk about a good way to start the day!!!
I got to work and my heart was heavy from the conversation the night before (read down two blog entries and you'll understand). I had to let it out. My best friend in the whole world, Nikki, read it over and walked me through it. She dissected it, brought it into perspective, and made me giggle and laugh the whole thing off. Nikki has been the most amazing, wonderful person to have touched my life. I don't think even SHE knows how much she has helped healed my soul and saved me from myself. She is one of those true friends who knows what to say, when to say it, and when to just send her love in full force and say nothing at all. By far today - and every day - she is a blessing at the top of my list!!! (LOVE YOU NIKKI!!)
My next bit of good in the day was getting an email from my childhood friend Kyla. Kyla and I were part of a group in Jr. High that was inseparable, dynamic, and the core of my Jr. High experience. We all experienced our fair share of joy, tears, laughter, and sadness. Due to the AF base closing many of us were separated right after Jr. High. Kyla and I had reconnected last year, then off again (my fault, I own it and apologize) and have since reconnected again. Kyla has also stayed in contact with my Jr. High Soul Sister, Jennie. Jennie and I were ALWAYS together. Her mother was the mother I never had. Her brother was another little brother to me. Her dad would call from the war and I was included in the conversation as one of the kids. Her family was - and always has been and will be - a huge part of my life and heart. Unfortunately, I am TERRIBLE about staying in touch and lost touch shortly after she moved. Something I have ALWAYS regretted. Well, that's a long story to get to the good news. Today Kyla told me that both she AND Jennie will be in California at the end of October!!!!!!!! We are making plans to all get together for the day!!! When I read the email, I cried. My heart swelled up thinking of it and how wonderful it will be to see two of my dearest most beloved friends again. I cannot wait to make a final plan and to see them. AND TO NEVER LOSE TOUCH AGAIN!!!!! Part of my new plan in life.. .. .. making sure those that matter most KNOW IT!!! So that was good times #3 for the day.
Then I pick up the boys and we head home. Jonah and I have been talking about doing a chore chart, though we've never completed it. But I asked him, "What do you think about starting our nightly chores tonight?" He said, "Okay, sounds good Mom". The idea is that we can do a few things each night during the week as part of our routine, then the weekends we can relax and enjoy each others company. So we get home and we divide up what to do. Jo got vacuum duty, just for the tile floors. Which, in our house, is a lot. On his own initiative he added the bathrooms. (So proud of him). Logan had to clean up his room, as a hurricane had hit yesterday. And I had to put away laundry that was done but hadn't quite made it to closets, drawers, and cabinets. We all set off to work and in an hours time we'd all finished our chores. We congratulated each other, thanked each other, and all just felt good about working together as a team. Tomorrow Jo and I will get on the computer and "map out" our chores, assigning tasks to each day. It felt so good to all work together and accomplish a goal together. And seeing the boys participation and enthusiasm was such a boost. Great moment #4.. .. ..
Finally, the last great moments of the day. The "me" time. My friend Mary and I went on our walk together. We're trying to get into a routine, though right now it's more "can you go tonight?". We walk for about 45 minutes, chatting away, and completing a 2 mile heart-to-heart. I always feel refreshed spiritually and physically. I LOVE our walks! After I got the boys in bed I sat down and read. I MISSED reading. I didn't realize how much until I started getting into it again. I read up to the designated page (book club, ya know) and then I caught up on a little DVR. Sitting there, I looked around and thought, "Life is good". Really, I have things I could worry about. I have stresses I could focus on. But when it all boils down to it at the end of the day, life is good.
I feel so blessed today. Blessed that I'm never alone, that I have great friends who NEVER leave my side, great friends who are resurfacing, two AMAZING awesome little boys (don't tell Jo I called him little though), and a great person in myself who, even at the end of the night - sitting there all alone, is great company to be around and someone I love and enjoy.
Like I said, today was a good day and life IS good.. .. ..
The Downside of Blogging.. .. ..
Is that people MUST think I'm schizophrenic!! Seriously, I go back and read through what all I've posted and it's a roller coaster! I am not one to hold back my thoughts or feelings and I want to share the good and the not-so-good. In doing so I must look like a whack job!!
Honestly, writing provides me such healing and such release. To share the inner frustration and pain and then get to share the outer joy and exuberance.. .. .. It's a blessing to have such an outlet!
Just, please know, I'm not crazy. I just think .. .. .. A LOT!!! And with that said, on to my "Today was a Good Day" post!!
Honestly, writing provides me such healing and such release. To share the inner frustration and pain and then get to share the outer joy and exuberance.. .. .. It's a blessing to have such an outlet!
Just, please know, I'm not crazy. I just think .. .. .. A LOT!!! And with that said, on to my "Today was a Good Day" post!!
No, really, I'm serious.. .. ..
Why do some people think that the world revolves around them?? Seriously, that everything should accomodate to what works best for them?? Because - goodness forbid - they actually have to do it on their own. That they have to be accountable for THEIR choices?
Seriously, I am so tired of being - or attempting to be made - to feel guilty for OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES. I am sorry if you cannot handle the responsiblity of the life you are chosing, but it was YOUR CHOICE. I will not stand by and be used and support your new life for the benefit of you and your new family. I have enough to deal with on my own. I don't want to continue to take care of someone else and be legally and financially obligated to what I no longer have anything to do with. It's USING me and I'm TIRED of it.
So I gave an ultimatum yesterday that went on deaf ears. No, I was serious. Either you take care of it or I will!! I am tired of being a doormat. If your new life is so wonderful and perfect, then take care of it. If you can afford a new place to stay and all the expenses of life together, then get your crap the rest of your crap taken care of!! I will not support you and your new wifey. Not my job, not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be my obligation!!!!
I know this is somewhat vague, but I don't want to get into the details. Honestly, this could match A LOT of aspects of this whole twisted, warped, screwed-up situation. At this point I will be happy when the last string is cut, the last tie undone, the last connection terminated.
It becomes more and more evident of the lies that were told, the lies that CONTINUE to be told, the misleadings and the USING that is going on. Every time I *think* that things have changed, that heartfelt niceness and decency are shining through I am reminded that I am JUST BEING USED.
I deserve better treatment and it's apparent that the people of my PAST will never grow up and realize and respect that. It truly makes me sad, truly breaks my heart. I hate feeling like the person I loved with all my heart I never really knew at all.. .. ..
Seriously, I am so tired of being - or attempting to be made - to feel guilty for OTHER PEOPLE'S CHOICES. I am sorry if you cannot handle the responsiblity of the life you are chosing, but it was YOUR CHOICE. I will not stand by and be used and support your new life for the benefit of you and your new family. I have enough to deal with on my own. I don't want to continue to take care of someone else and be legally and financially obligated to what I no longer have anything to do with. It's USING me and I'm TIRED of it.
So I gave an ultimatum yesterday that went on deaf ears. No, I was serious. Either you take care of it or I will!! I am tired of being a doormat. If your new life is so wonderful and perfect, then take care of it. If you can afford a new place to stay and all the expenses of life together, then get your crap the rest of your crap taken care of!! I will not support you and your new wifey. Not my job, not my responsibility, and it shouldn't be my obligation!!!!
I know this is somewhat vague, but I don't want to get into the details. Honestly, this could match A LOT of aspects of this whole twisted, warped, screwed-up situation. At this point I will be happy when the last string is cut, the last tie undone, the last connection terminated.
It becomes more and more evident of the lies that were told, the lies that CONTINUE to be told, the misleadings and the USING that is going on. Every time I *think* that things have changed, that heartfelt niceness and decency are shining through I am reminded that I am JUST BEING USED.
I deserve better treatment and it's apparent that the people of my PAST will never grow up and realize and respect that. It truly makes me sad, truly breaks my heart. I hate feeling like the person I loved with all my heart I never really knew at all.. .. ..
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