There is something special about a good friend. I am very fortunate to say that I have a handful of really good friends. People that I know are there for me. Even if we don't talk all the time, even if we aren't super close, they are there for me and me for them. I am so fortunate for that.
Not only do I have those friends, but I have the gift of a very, very special BEST FRIEND. People say they have best friends all the time, but I don't think very many people get to experience the gift of a very best friend in the purest of forms.
I have a best friend. A friend that would do anything for me. A friend that loves me unconditionally. Not only has she said it, she has shown it over and over.
Nikki flew across the country to hold my hand at a time she knew I would need her the most. She knew not only would I need her as my birthing coach but as my emotional support. She knew the overwhelming emotions I would feel and knew I would need support. So she spent the weekend in and out of the hospital with me, at my house watching my kids. It was her birthday weekend and instead of spending it with her family she spent it with me at the hospital, then at home with me and my boys. Who does that?? LOL. She held my hand in labor and has permanent scars from my nails. She held me and cried with me. She took care of my kids. I cannot express my gratitude in full in words.. .. ..
Beyond that she has listened to me for the last six months crying over the same subject over and over. I know that it gets old. I know that it gets annoying. Yet she continues to listen and support me. She continues to let me cry and relive the same pain over and over. She loves me and supports me unconditionally.
Never in the world could we hope for friendship so pure, so open, without conditions or stipulations. I don't know how I got so lucky to find such a great friend. Over 2,000 miles away, a chance meeting, and a lifetime of secrets, friendship, support, and love. How lucky am I? I hope that I am HALF the friend to her that she is to me. And I hope for everyone a friend so wonderful.. .. ..
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Loss.. .. ..
These last two weeks have made me face everything I was trying to hide from for the past few months. These last two weeks, though, were horribly painful. It started to hit me during labor. I was sitting there, rocking in the chair, praying for pain relief, and it hit me. She wasn't here with me. We started this journey together, she promised she would never leave or abandon me, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there!!! I lost it. I started bawling. I felt horrible. My IP's were sitting across the room from me. Mom - my ex's mom - was sitting across the room from me. And I was just bawling. Nikki was sitting next to me and she wrapped her arm around me and cried with me. She knew.. .. .. with no words, she knew. I sucked it up as quick as I could. I had to get mad. I had to get darn mad over and over while in labor. I hated her at that moment. I hated all the lies, all the broken promises. I hated feeling abandoned, and I hated missing her and wishing she was there.
After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.
I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..
Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.
And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.
And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.
This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..
After little miss was born I was sad. Again, nothing to do with her, but with the past. On Saturday the ex messaged me to check on me. I finally blew and told her that I was fine except for issues with HER. She obviously didn't get it, since a few days later she called to ask me for stuff from the house she had left behind. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Did she NOT understand I was grieving the loss of our relationship, yet she was asking for further seperation and for me to get together her crap??? I couldn't believe it. Pretty much that's how the whole week went. The few times I talked to her she was asking for her crap back. You have no idea how bad I wanted to burn everything she asked for and ship her the ashes.
I guess, though, it did help me realize how selfish she truly is and how little she really cares. I have wanted to hold on to the idea that she loved me at one time. That she cared. She makes it very clear that she no longer cares - if she ever really did. I can't help but wonder sometimes if it were ever real.. .. ..
Anywho, I spent a lot of days in my jammies. I went through a lot of tissue. I yelled in my pillow. I sobbed in the shower. I was mad - ohhhh so mad. I was sad - ohhhh so sad. And, in the end, I was broken down. I was broken to the core. I thought that I couldn't see my way out.
And then, with the help of my very best friend, I realized that's where I needed to be. That's the point I needed to get to. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom. Sometimes we have to feel the lowest of the low to ever feel the highest of the high again.
And so, that's where I stand now. I hit the bottom of the staircase and now I'm starting to climb back up again. I am focusing on the good. Focusing on what I DO have and what I CAN have again. I hated, hated, hated feeling so low. I hated hiding from the world. I hated my self-pity, my sadness, my hate and rage. But I realize now I needed those feelings. I needed to experience them, to own them, and now to move on from them.
This week starts new steps in the right direction. New steps to healing. To learning about myself. To becoming the me I want to be. To acceptance and forward motion. To my future. To hope.. .. ..
Thanksgiving.. .. ..
Thanksgiving was a good day. Overall-ish. LOL. The boys and I spent the day with my (ex) BIL and MIL. It's weird to call them 'ex' family when it never feels that way. Same as on Thanksgiving. My BIL was picking on me more again. He said "glad you're not pregnant anymore, I can pick on you again" lol. We had a ton of great food. Mom is a great cook and there is ALWAYS more than enough. BIL makes a killer ham. Yummy, yummy, yummy. LOL
Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.
So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!
On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..
But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.
Later that night I finally got the nerve to talk to them and lay it all out. My ex has threatened - over and over - to "tell them all the bad things I had done" to "make sure they'd hate me". I was so tired of the threats and so tired of secrets that I decided it was time to just lay it on the table.
So I did. I told them everything. All the mistakes I'd made, the mistakes we'd made. I held nothing back. Not suprisingly, they "knew" most of it, or had already figured as much. Mom was mad - at both me and the ex - for the mistakes and very poor judgments we had made. BIL felt the same way. BUT the unanimous decision was that I have been family for 8 years, we ALL make mistakes, and that's not going to change our family. It felt so good to have that confirmation. That support and love and that acceptance and forgivness. And, most importantly, it felt good to not have any secrets. To not have to hide anything. To not have anything held over my head anymore. And there is nothing now. It's just.. .. .. freeing!!!
On Friday Jo and I had a talk. He knew the ex was coming to town and he hadn't wanted to go see her b/c she was bringing the new g/f and he didn't want to see her. But the ex was making it pretty clear she wasn't going to leave the g/f to see the boys. Priorities, ya know? So, in the end, my boys - 11 and 4 - decided THEY would suck it up and they would go see the ex. So they went to see her on Saturday for a few hours. I was ubber frustrated for a few reasons. First, I messaged her on Friday to let her know she could get the boys on Saturday. Finally at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday I message her to ask her if she still wants the kids!! I was so irritated. To me, if she really wanted the kids she would have called/messaged earlier in the day and spent more time with them. Second, they went to the park. They all went to the park. It made me physically ill to know that douchebag of a girlfriend spent time with my kids. She has NO BUSINESS in their lives and I just hate her being with them. But oh well, what can I do. At least it will only be a few times a year AT THE VERY VERY MOST. UGH. The boys came home and said they had fun and asked if they could play their video games. They haven't said another word about it. Not a word. Honestly, it seems like they don't really care. I am not sure if it's reassuring or sad.. .. ..
But it is what it is.. .. .. I guess I am just thankful, at Thanksgiving, that I have them and they have me and we are family.
The birth of baby girl K!!
Thursday, November 20th, my sweet surrogate baby arrived in the world. Here's a shortened version of what happened. Yes, this is shortened. LOL.. .. ..
I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.
So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).
Anywho, we held tight over night.
FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.
Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.
At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..
So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.
So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..
Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.
The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..
I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.
M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..
I worked my six-hour day on Wednesday, November 19. After work I went to the OB for my final appointment to settle the plans for the induction the next day. I was a little overly swollen, but I figured it was just because I was in the last week of pregnancy. Until I got on the scale.. .. ..and had gained five pounds in 8 days. So not good.. .. .. The nurse ran the urine, which came back fine. Then she took my BP.. .. .. then she took it again. CRAP. We all know what THAT means. LOL. Sure enough, she asked me to lay down for 10 minutes and she'd take it again -- it had come up at 160/92. YIKES.
So my OB comes in and is concerned about the BP. Well, yeah, he should be. He tells me that if the nurse runs it again and it's still high then I'm headed across the street to the hospital immediately. If not, then we'll talk about Thursday. She comes back in and ......... still 160/96. So, he decides to check me before sending me. Okay, nice two, but tight.. .. .. and he continues to dig around. HOLY HELL that whole "stripping of the membranes" and "assisted stretching" is for the birds!! OUCH. So he gets me to a "soft" 2 and sends me across the street to be admitted. I am freaking out! I have no plans for the kids, no bag (it's at home, ugh), and NO SUPPORT PERSON!! AGGGHHH. I call and get the kids settled and organized and call my IP's. They were already on their way up, so instead of stopping at the BIL's on the way they decide to come straight to the hospital. The nurse got me checked in and ran the BP again... now up to 160/104. YIKES. Crazy lady starts talking Mag and emergency c-section!!! Talk about freakin' a girl out!! Luckily the bp finally came down a little (always between 135-150/85-95) but stable enough to just keep me through the night for observation. No drugs were ever needed for the bp, thank goodness. It made for a nice evening, actually. I got to spend some great time with my IP's and my mom came up and spent a few hours with me. (Which we haven't been very close and she's never really supported my surrogacies, so this was a biggg deal).
Anywho, we held tight over night.
FAST FORWARDISH~~ We started the induction on Thursday. They count my labor as starting at 11:30 a.m. as I finally got a normal contraction patern. My IP's were with me the whole time which was great. Nikki (anikkim0915) arrived around 2:00 p.m. I was so happy to see her!! My labor partner was finally there. LOL.
Things were slow going to say the least. After they broke my water I started getting some gooood contractions. My hips and back were KILLING me. She was wedged wrong .. .. ..way wrong.
At 6:50 p.m. my nurse came in to check me. I had been given two doses of Stadol at that point and was hurting BAD still. She checked me and I was a big whopping FIVE. UGH. At that point I conceeded to an epidural. I was hurting too much and too tired to make it to a ten.. .. ..
So my day nurse said she'd start setting it up and have my night nurse finish it up when she came on at 7:00 p.m. At about 7:10 my night nurse came in and I was in the middle of a gooood contraction. My night nurse, Tasha, was amazing. She talked me through it and was ready to check me when it was over. She checked and said, "You aren't a five anymore"... I thought for sure I was a three and going backwards quickly!! NO, I was AN EIGHT. So she asked if I still wanted the epidural - she would fudge to the doctor and get it done. I said no, if we were that close let's just finish it.
So she told me to roll over onto my hands and knees. I hurt so bad I could barely move. She and Nikki helped me and BOY HOWDY a contraction hit and I was pushing!!! I told Tasha after the cx passed that I was pushing and it was time. She checked and sure enough baby girl was on her way out!!! My doctor came running into the room, sits on the cloth with the clamps, sending them across the room, and yells "I still need a clamp... now!". Baby K came out in two pushes and was quickly hollering. Baby K was born at 7:23 p.m., 7 lbs. 3 oz, and 19 in. And a head of pretty black curly hair.. .. ..
Her daddy cut the cord while mommy watched. Then they handed her to her mom and was taken over to the heating bed. It was amazing. Seeing them meet her daughter was the most overwhelming PERFECT moment in time.
The following minutes, hours, and days were amazing with my IPs. They were so wonderful. They shared K with me all I wanted and we were able to spend some great time together.. .. ..
I have to say, it was my hardest labor but best recovery. I had no tearing, no issues, so I am bouncing back well. I have lost 36 pounds and am a size 8, smaller than I've been in YEARS. My bp is still a little high, so I am on meds for the next month, but that should regulate out soon. I feel good, though, and am already back to work part time. It's been a great experience.
M & J (mom and dad) have continued to be amazing. They called the following Monday, on Thanksgiving, this Monday.. .. .. they have shown me and the boys so much love and consider us family. They will ALWAYS be family to us. Always. This has been ana amazing journey and I am so blessed. They say they are, but I think we all have gained so much, so much more than words can express.. .. ..
I'm BAAAAACCCCKKKK.. .. ..
Miss me?? Ya, didn't figure that you'd realize I was gone. Haha. I have so much to update. So there will be a few posts tonight. I couldn't put it all in one long post, no way!! So here's the first of a few to bring things current. LOL.
Here's what's ahead.. .. ..
Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship
So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol
Here's what's ahead.. .. ..
Birth of baby girl K!!
Thanksgiving
Loss
Friendship
So you pick and chose what you want to read, but I have a lot to say!! lol
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Time to Play Catch-Up.. .. ..
Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. Guess it's proof positive of how crazy things have been lately.. .. ..
The most pressing issue right now is the impending birth of this little sweetie. She has preoccupied a lot of my time and energy lately, not only with the birth only FIVE days away, but with the fact she was BREECH until just a few days ago. I began going to acupuncture, chiropractic care, and massage therapy to try and turn her. I was doing home remedies as well - frozen veggies on her head, elevating the hips, shining a light at the pelvis.. .. .. you name it, I tried it.
Finally on Friday, at 38w3d, we saw that she flipped head down again. My OB was shocked. He did not think that this late in the game we could get her to go back down, but sure enough we did it! My honest gut thought is the Moxi treatments - acupuncture - did the trick. She would definitely show a strong reaction afterwards. Honestly, though, I am just so happy she turned and I can have the birth experience I have envisioned throughout this pregnancy. VBAC here we come!!!
Nikki - my BFF from Ohio - will be flying in Thursday morning, the same day we are inducing. Erica, another great friend, will be picking her up and bringing her down to the hospital. Hopefully around the time they are getting there things should be starting/picking up. I am so happy I'll have Nikki there to help me through the delivery and the weekend after her birth. It's so amazing to have such a great friend.. .. .. And it's so amazing to have such a great support of friends, like Erica, willing to help make this day so amazing.
M & J are so excited they can't hardly stand it. Hearing their enthusiasm over the phone is just intoxicating. They are so ready to meet their daughter and their love and excitement about her is so heartwarming. I seriously CANNOT wait to see them meet their daughter. THIS is what surrogacy is all about!!!!
As for the rest of life, it's been .. .. .. going. The ex and I ~ well, her girlfriend thought it would be "cute" to post pics of them on a board we both belong to. My ex didn't understand why it bothered me. She said, "I thought you were doing better." YES, I am doing much better, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt, and throwing salt in the wound is just uneccesary. She said some ugly things to me, many of which I truly believe she means. We haven't really talked since. I filed the paperwork and she's been served so our dissolution of our partnership and issues regarding custody, the house, and other assets should be resolved soon. It breaks my heart to think we'll just fade out of each others lives. But that is how it seems to be headed and it's very disheartening and sad. Not only for the loss of the relationship of 8.5 years, but the loss of a friendship of over 16 years. Moreover, the loss of what I thought would be my forever with my soulmate. It's just so hard to process sometimes.. . .. I still don't understand, probably never will, but am working toward closure there.
On a better note, work is going very well. Things are always busy and always plenty to do. I am bouncing around, trying to get everything done before I go on leave. Only 2.5 days of work before I am off!! YIKES. I received my review last week and was promoted again. I am at the top of the scale for where I can go, so it's quite an accomplishment (in only four years I jumped four classifications and 20 steps!!). I got a small raise, and we have contracted raises in January. Every little bit definitely helps when you're a single mom!!
Through the last few weeks, too, I have come to rely on myself and have strength and confidence in ME again. The main thing I have done is make this 'house' a 'home'. I figure I'm still paying on it and probably will be for awhile (until I can get it sold) so I might as well make it home. "WE" had plans, ways to decorate, etc. and I decided I can STILL do that on my own. So I bought stuff for the front 'living room' (formal dining turned kids playroom) to make it more.... personal. I have hung up pictures and the whole aura is changing. I got some stuff for the back tandem room, too, to make it my frog room as I'd planned. Today I cleaned out that room completely. It was full of boxes that were just dropped in there when we moved in and I was finally done living in suspension. I cleaned it all and have it all ready to make into what my vision was for it.
I cannot really explain how GOOD it felt to move forward on my own. To KNOW that I CAN and WILL be just fine and that my life doesn't have to be less than I wanted because I am single. Sure, I would love to have my "family" back and would love to be a team again, but I am pretty dang strong and good on my own. And it feels amazing to realize that and LIVE IT.. .. .. I guess you never know your inner strength until it's truly tested. I guess I never knew how strong I am.. .. ..
Anywho, I think I rambled on and on a bit there. IF you read all the way through, you are good!! LOL. Thanks for the followers, thanks for the support, and thanks for "listening"!!
The most pressing issue right now is the impending birth of this little sweetie. She has preoccupied a lot of my time and energy lately, not only with the birth only FIVE days away, but with the fact she was BREECH until just a few days ago. I began going to acupuncture, chiropractic care, and massage therapy to try and turn her. I was doing home remedies as well - frozen veggies on her head, elevating the hips, shining a light at the pelvis.. .. .. you name it, I tried it.
Finally on Friday, at 38w3d, we saw that she flipped head down again. My OB was shocked. He did not think that this late in the game we could get her to go back down, but sure enough we did it! My honest gut thought is the Moxi treatments - acupuncture - did the trick. She would definitely show a strong reaction afterwards. Honestly, though, I am just so happy she turned and I can have the birth experience I have envisioned throughout this pregnancy. VBAC here we come!!!
Nikki - my BFF from Ohio - will be flying in Thursday morning, the same day we are inducing. Erica, another great friend, will be picking her up and bringing her down to the hospital. Hopefully around the time they are getting there things should be starting/picking up. I am so happy I'll have Nikki there to help me through the delivery and the weekend after her birth. It's so amazing to have such a great friend.. .. .. And it's so amazing to have such a great support of friends, like Erica, willing to help make this day so amazing.
M & J are so excited they can't hardly stand it. Hearing their enthusiasm over the phone is just intoxicating. They are so ready to meet their daughter and their love and excitement about her is so heartwarming. I seriously CANNOT wait to see them meet their daughter. THIS is what surrogacy is all about!!!!
As for the rest of life, it's been .. .. .. going. The ex and I ~ well, her girlfriend thought it would be "cute" to post pics of them on a board we both belong to. My ex didn't understand why it bothered me. She said, "I thought you were doing better." YES, I am doing much better, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt, and throwing salt in the wound is just uneccesary. She said some ugly things to me, many of which I truly believe she means. We haven't really talked since. I filed the paperwork and she's been served so our dissolution of our partnership and issues regarding custody, the house, and other assets should be resolved soon. It breaks my heart to think we'll just fade out of each others lives. But that is how it seems to be headed and it's very disheartening and sad. Not only for the loss of the relationship of 8.5 years, but the loss of a friendship of over 16 years. Moreover, the loss of what I thought would be my forever with my soulmate. It's just so hard to process sometimes.. . .. I still don't understand, probably never will, but am working toward closure there.
On a better note, work is going very well. Things are always busy and always plenty to do. I am bouncing around, trying to get everything done before I go on leave. Only 2.5 days of work before I am off!! YIKES. I received my review last week and was promoted again. I am at the top of the scale for where I can go, so it's quite an accomplishment (in only four years I jumped four classifications and 20 steps!!). I got a small raise, and we have contracted raises in January. Every little bit definitely helps when you're a single mom!!
Through the last few weeks, too, I have come to rely on myself and have strength and confidence in ME again. The main thing I have done is make this 'house' a 'home'. I figure I'm still paying on it and probably will be for awhile (until I can get it sold) so I might as well make it home. "WE" had plans, ways to decorate, etc. and I decided I can STILL do that on my own. So I bought stuff for the front 'living room' (formal dining turned kids playroom) to make it more.... personal. I have hung up pictures and the whole aura is changing. I got some stuff for the back tandem room, too, to make it my frog room as I'd planned. Today I cleaned out that room completely. It was full of boxes that were just dropped in there when we moved in and I was finally done living in suspension. I cleaned it all and have it all ready to make into what my vision was for it.
I cannot really explain how GOOD it felt to move forward on my own. To KNOW that I CAN and WILL be just fine and that my life doesn't have to be less than I wanted because I am single. Sure, I would love to have my "family" back and would love to be a team again, but I am pretty dang strong and good on my own. And it feels amazing to realize that and LIVE IT.. .. .. I guess you never know your inner strength until it's truly tested. I guess I never knew how strong I am.. .. ..
Anywho, I think I rambled on and on a bit there. IF you read all the way through, you are good!! LOL. Thanks for the followers, thanks for the support, and thanks for "listening"!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Weekend Recap.. .. ..
Friday - Halloween.. .. .. the boys had a great Halloween, which started early for them. Earlier in the week they got a package from Aunt Nikki. Yummmy candy!! They still haven't opened them yet, but they are excited. One is a gummy frog to dissect and the other is a gummy pizza to put the toppings on. LOL. They are looking forward to it. THEN they got a box in the mail with two bags full of candy from my friend Rebekkah. THEN they got a pail of goodies from the Popcorn Factory from my friend SKD. Spoiled much?? LOL. My nieces came over that night and we took all the kids out trick or treating. They got a good amount of candy and I got a good workout. LOL. Here are my little cuties, the grim reaper and Dale Earnhardt Jr... .. .. 
Saturday & Sunday, Fun with Barb and kiddos!! On Saturday we headed down to Fresno to hang out with Barb and the kids, M & Z. Barb is Jenn's (the baby momma) sister-in-law and is about the sweetest woman ever. She and Matt, J's brother, live in Fresno - only about an hour south of us. We have gone over a few times to hang out with them. It is always so much fun, and this time was no disappointment!!
On Saturday we took the boys (minus the baby) to the zoo. It was drizzling off and on, which really wasn't bad. The weather was actually quite nice, but the thought of bad weather deterred others, so the park was so slow and almost all to us!! The kids had such a great time. Lo and M became best buddies and Lo calls M "bubby". He was walking around with his arm around him most of the day! LOL. After the zoo we went back to the house and all the boys played. Barb made dinner - fantastic dinner, btw! We had yummmy chicken and white rice AND pasta and sauce that was amazing!!! The boys watched Hulk after dinner and Barb and I got to chat. It was so nice getting to know her better and just feeling like we were forming a great friendship!!
Sunday we attempted to go get pedicures. Well, nothing opened until 11:00!!! WHAT?? LOL. It was okay, though. We just went back to the house and got the kids so we could spend time with them. We went to Woodward Park to the Japanese Garden, which was AMAZING. The architect did a wonderful job; it was so serene and beautiful. We fed the fish and left some for the ducks if they were to come later. Then we took off for lunch. We took all the kids to John's Incredible Pizza. Oh my, they had a blast. We filled their tummies first then let them play arcade games for awhile. They had such a gooood time. When we got back to the house it was almost 2:30 and time to head home. We had such a good time, though, and promised each other to get together again soon!! Definitely a promise to keep!!
Oh, and best news, MATT DOES EXIST!! LOL. Poor Matt is a pediatric ICU doctor, so he works all hours. The last few times we've been there he's slept through the visit. This time we got to see him for almost 30 minutes total!! Whoohoo!! hehe. He, too, is sweet as they come.
Honestly, the whole family is amazing and has become an extension into our family. I feel so blessed to have the love and support of such amazing people. Jenn's parents, Mike's parents, all the siblings.. .. .. everyone is amazing and not only am we so blessed to have them in our lives but I feel so incredibly blessed to help bring this little girl into a family that is so full of love, respect, and open-heartedness. What a truly lucky child!!!
Only 17 days until they get to meet her, and her meet them! YEA!!!!!
Saturday & Sunday, Fun with Barb and kiddos!! On Saturday we headed down to Fresno to hang out with Barb and the kids, M & Z. Barb is Jenn's (the baby momma) sister-in-law and is about the sweetest woman ever. She and Matt, J's brother, live in Fresno - only about an hour south of us. We have gone over a few times to hang out with them. It is always so much fun, and this time was no disappointment!!
On Saturday we took the boys (minus the baby) to the zoo. It was drizzling off and on, which really wasn't bad. The weather was actually quite nice, but the thought of bad weather deterred others, so the park was so slow and almost all to us!! The kids had such a great time. Lo and M became best buddies and Lo calls M "bubby". He was walking around with his arm around him most of the day! LOL. After the zoo we went back to the house and all the boys played. Barb made dinner - fantastic dinner, btw! We had yummmy chicken and white rice AND pasta and sauce that was amazing!!! The boys watched Hulk after dinner and Barb and I got to chat. It was so nice getting to know her better and just feeling like we were forming a great friendship!!
Sunday we attempted to go get pedicures. Well, nothing opened until 11:00!!! WHAT?? LOL. It was okay, though. We just went back to the house and got the kids so we could spend time with them. We went to Woodward Park to the Japanese Garden, which was AMAZING. The architect did a wonderful job; it was so serene and beautiful. We fed the fish and left some for the ducks if they were to come later. Then we took off for lunch. We took all the kids to John's Incredible Pizza. Oh my, they had a blast. We filled their tummies first then let them play arcade games for awhile. They had such a gooood time. When we got back to the house it was almost 2:30 and time to head home. We had such a good time, though, and promised each other to get together again soon!! Definitely a promise to keep!!
Oh, and best news, MATT DOES EXIST!! LOL. Poor Matt is a pediatric ICU doctor, so he works all hours. The last few times we've been there he's slept through the visit. This time we got to see him for almost 30 minutes total!! Whoohoo!! hehe. He, too, is sweet as they come.
Honestly, the whole family is amazing and has become an extension into our family. I feel so blessed to have the love and support of such amazing people. Jenn's parents, Mike's parents, all the siblings.. .. .. everyone is amazing and not only am we so blessed to have them in our lives but I feel so incredibly blessed to help bring this little girl into a family that is so full of love, respect, and open-heartedness. What a truly lucky child!!!
Only 17 days until they get to meet her, and her meet them! YEA!!!!!
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