Thinking It Through Out Loud

The Sun Is Shinning

2010-02-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

I always find I am in a much better mood when the sun is out. It's supposed to hit 70 degrees today and I couldn't be happier about it. Of course the rain is returning this weekend, but for today I'll prance around in my skirt and ballet shoes and soak in the sun!

With the change of the season also comes a change of mindset for me and new determinations. I am all alone right now and I like it. I really like it. There's two guys that are battling for attention right now though I'm not really into either. Mostly because, like most - if not all - guys I've dated of late, they get clingy! I am NOT into clingy at all. And there's that issue of going on ONE date and suddenly it's just "let's hang out and watch a movie or get dinner in". I am sorry, but I deserve a little winning-over. Just because you took me to dinner ONCE does NOT make you my boyfriend and movie buddy. I can have that with my girlfriends.

So my dating time with people is less and less because I am cutting them off at the knees pretty quick. Clingy? bye... Too comfortable? bye... Think you're "hitting it"?? bye... Yep, meet my standards or move on. Single is much better than stuck!!

So it's a new season and it's MY time. = ) Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who make others wait.. .. ..

Another month gone...

2010-01-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

You know, I am kinda tired of my sob stories and the "this isn't working/that isn't working". Well, hello stupid, it's my own fault. I am the one that chooses to put myself in situations that just CAN'T be what I want them to be. That will never amount to more than heartbreak and disappointment. So why cry??

Because even though I set the stage, it doesn't make the tragedy any less. Our hearts break regardless of why they are broken. Our tears fall, regardless of why we cry. Even when we know it's our fault, it still has the same emotional reaction and claim on us.

So, I sit here, again at the mercy of my own doing. I have no one but myself to blame and I am just angry. At myself, at the situation, at the tears that fall. Mostly angry that I have put myself through so much that I hardly feel anymore. I should be crying and crushed right now and I'm just NUMB.

Damn me for doing this to myself over and over. To dulling my senses and numbing my heart.

I am done. I have to be. I have to rebuild myself from the inside out. I have to allow myself to FEEL again. And the ONLY one I can blame, the only one I can be disappointed in, is ME. Period.

So it's time to stop this pattern. Do I want this year to be better? YES. Do I want to be a good friend? YES. Do I want to be a good mother? YES. Do I want to find love? YES.

Then by God I need to grow the f* up and stop this... here and now... and for good.

Happy Holidays?

2009-12-24T13:31:00.000-08:00

I am making the best of it I guess. This year has been such a roller coaster that being "happy" is somewhat of an effort. This is my first Christmas at "home" all by myself. Well, with Logan. Okay, without being a family. Okay, the more I say those things I call bull shit on myself. Family is what you make it and if family is just Logan and I well then so be it!! New traditions, new definitions of family!!

Overall I don't care that I'm not the family I was two years ago. I don't miss the ex at all and that's not a bone of contention. Now, Jonah, that's another story. I miss him with every ounce of me. It is so painful to not have him here with me. I miss him beyond words. That's my baby and he isn't here with us. Every morning this last week (and a few times throughout the day) Logan has said, "I want my Jonah". It breaks me. Logan knows this is a special time of the year and he is feeling down that Jonah isn't here with us too. That's the part of my family I truly miss....

We don't do anything traditionally. It wouldn't be ME if we did. Tonight I will wrap presents (yes, I am a procrastinator). My brother is spending the night and in the morning we'll open presents with Logan. Then have a Christmas breakfast. Then it's off to visit friends and end the day having dinner with some very close friends of mine. I feel so fortunate for the friends who take us in and love us as part of their families. It makes me happy for Logan, that he can see that family is who you make them, not just the ones you're born into.

Anywho, this year is coming to a close and I was super bummed. I felt dead-ended and just ... shitty ... about it all. I am lucky my 'family' has pulled me out of my funk. Things always get worse before better, now I think I'm passing through the worst of it. I finally feel a little optimistic about what's to come. I have a plan and a plan to back that up. And I'm confident my life and where I'm at this time next year will be completely different and wonderful!! I found an awesome quote that I'm making my mantra...

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Blessed Christmas to all and many wishes for a SUPER New Year!!! xoxo

Addiction

2009-12-17T09:13:00.001-08:00

I have an addiction. I go through withdrawl like with any drug. I get moody, irritable, irrational, and sad. I find fixes in the wrong ways, just to have a fix. I am addicted.

Sometimes addicts put themselves in destructive situations to have their fix of their drug of choice. For me, its happened more and more. Allowing myself to be in situations that are dead-end or a temporary fix. Desperate to fill that need, I will neglect what is best for me in the long-run for that momentary high. I refuse to see the writing on the wall and try to believe that what is good right now is good enough.

You try to convince yourself you're not doing any harm. It's no big deal. That it's FINE. Is it though?? Is it okay to cry when you don't have what you NEED (so you think)? Is it okay to be sick to your stomach, waiting to know if you'll get your fix?? Is it okay to live each day waiting for the next time you have your drug??

No it's not okay. You have to find that inner strength to say "I'm better than this". To walk away and find that fix within yourself. To rely on your inner happiness to fill the void the drug smokescreens and pretends to fulfill.

That's where I am now... having to pick myself back up, stop relying on my fix, and rely on myself. Know I'm worth more and need to take care of myself.

And that I don't need anyone else.

And that my inner happiness is more than anyone can give me.

My name is Jennifer. I am addicted to love.

Another month...

2009-12-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

Another month has gone by. Funny how time seems to just slip away.

So there seems to be so much going on yet so little to share. No guys in my life right now to really speak of. Not even sure what's happened/happening on that front. I know that I am standing up for myself and making sure I am getting what I want/need, which limits the dating pool. Haha. I really don't care at this point. Just too much energy to try to even invest into it. Single really isn't so bad. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes it is. Overall though it's managable and it's not as bad as a bad relationship. So for now I'm just fine where I am...

The house is officially in foreclosure. Got the notice on Saturday. I will contact the company one more time this week to see if there is ANYTHING they will do. If not I will start packing and wait for them to evict me. I am not leaving until they make me!! I knew it was coming so I am not too sad. A home is what you make it, so wherever I go will be home. The reasons I am upset are very fun and rediculous mostly, so I'll just leave it at that. But moving definitely seems on the horizon.

I have had a hard time lately reconciling that I don't have the family I wish I did. Thanksgiving was spent with me, Logan, and my brother. My mom didn't even bother to come by. Christmas will probably be the same. My friends have invited me to be with them Christmas day, but how pathetic and sad is that??? I just feel ... alone ... sometimes. In the deepest, saddest of ways. I feel most bad for Logan. That my brother and I are basically all he has... I am lucky to be surrounded by awesome friends. I suppose, though, at the holidays you think about how important family is and not really having any ... well, sucks a little. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all I have. Just feel Logan is being cheated... Which is another whole story and saddness...

Anyways, besides that crap things are good. Work is good and I am overall happy. I have been dieting and will start working out again today. For real, today. I realized I need to tone and no amount of dieting will help that. I will say I am thankful that for a year now I have maintained a size 6/8 and feel good in clothes. Naked, not so much, but clothes hide it all well.

I really am just kinda in a state of limbo right now. I know the responsible things to do in my life, and I know what my whimsical life wants. I just want to leave. Start over. Though I know that I can't. I just want to.

Oh well, I am sure things will get better. They really aren't BAD so I shouldn't be complaining. Just in a funk. It's the holiday's. I always feel this way at the holidays.... UGG.

Miss you Dad...

Things that make you go hmmmm....

2009-11-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

So this old friend from high school found me on Facebook. Or I found him. Not sure. Anyways, we started chit-chatting. Just "hey what's up". We were talking about past relationships and what we've been through, both saying we were just happy to be single and chillin' out. We have been talking, reacquainting ... and now he's making me dinner next week. We both acknowledge we still don't want a relationship, however cannot deny that we have a lot in common and enjoy talking to each other. So it's kind of exciting to get to know someone and just let things play out. It's super refreshing because he's so open and such a great communicator! If nothing else I think we'll help each other a lot in healing and growing. So, it's a win-win!!

Other than that though I am happy happy happy with where I am at. I think I realized that even more this weekend when I saw the ex. I was anxious and scared as hell. I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. She even came in my house, which had caused me huge anxiety, but then I was fine with it. We talked for a little while and it struck me how much she hasn't changed and how much I really have. I feel proud of where I am now and sad that she will always be stuck in the same dysfunction she has always known. You always want people that you've cared about to do well and thrive in life. And right now she is. She is very happy right now (so she says). But what happens when things aren't all roses? Same cycle ... Oh well. Like I said, it was awesome talking to her and seeing how much I truly have grown and changed. And how much I love and respect myself now, like I never did before. I sometimes got jealous because she has someone and is "so happy". I realized I'd rather be single and happy and waiting for the RIGHT situation than to be "happy in the moment". I want something real and healthy and I am so willing to wait for it. I needed confirmation that I was still in a good place and going in the right direction, and that was definitely what I got.

Besides all that, life is so good. Logan and I are so close and he's turning around again. I am surrounded by great friends, enjoying my life, and smiling - a lot. Good times, good times.

FANTASTIC DAY... scratch that .... LIFE

2009-11-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

I am in such a flippin' fantastic mood. I am right where I am supposed to be in my life and couldn't be more optimistic or happy. I am making decisions that work for ME and I am taking care of ME. Thinking about my sons and me and what's good for us. Not worrying about who approves, who agrees, others opinions. It's so dang freeing!! I am surrounding myself with relationships and friendships that are good for me. Enjoying the dynamics of the people around me. It's such an amazing way to feel. I am so excited about the upcoming holidays. A big surprise early-Christmas present for Logan (woot-woot). And the best part ... I *shouldn't* be in such a good mood. In the past I would be sulky and blah today. I have a headcold (still), a bladder/kidney infection, AND the old witch should be visiting any day now. And it's allllll okay!! I am happy and light and on top of the world!!! Happy Friday!!

Wow....

2009-11-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Holy crimeny. Life has been flying by at a much faster pace than I would like. So much going on, the days and weeks seem to just zoom by.

Things have changed so much since my last post. Of course they have, if not it wouldn't be *my* life. Nothing bad all all, just changed.

N and I are no longer dating. This was 100% my choice and not because I don't care about him and not because I wasn't happy. I really WAS happy. There were just a few issues or differences in us that I could not ignore. In the past I would have easily swept them under the carpet and ignored them or, worse yet, pretended I could fix them. I am not that person anymore. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where I have lied to myself to try and make things right because I don't want to fail or don't want to be alone.

I had a really good talk with N and expressed my concerns on the few areas that we don't mesh on. Though it was hard for both of us, he too recognized that they were big issues and neither he or I were going to change those things any time soon. So, instead of drag the relationship on and lose a friendship in the end, we ended things and are maintaining our friendship. It is somewhat hard. I still care very much for him; I never disliked him. So it's the first time I've amicably broke up with someone with maturity and honesty ... it's just different. His daughter and I are still friends too, which means a lot to me. I think once the initial adjustment is over we'll be good and can be more friends again. Just takes time to heal.

As I said, it hurt to end things and especially hurt him. I know it was the right thing to do though. And I am proud I have grown so much that I COULD do it.

Other than that life has just been crazy busy. I have no idea where the days and weeks are going. Too fast, that's for sure.

Logan's soccer finally finished so that's one less thing to do. My softball ends next week, and soccer has only 3 weeks left. Until January then it all starts back again. Logan is struggling with school and, more than anything, missing his brother immensely. It breaks my heart and I wish so much there was something more I could do for him to help him through.

Jonah is good. He has been having issues with lying and hiding school stuff from him dad. Nothing that he hasn't done before; frustrating and upsetting nonetheless. His dad and I talk and try to figure out the best way to handle things. Is there a "right" answer though?? I guess if so we'd all have it figured out!

You know what strikes me most ... with life being crazy, some big disappointments lately, being single again, the stress of the upcoming holidays ... I am really happy. I cannot complain about much and what I think I can really isn't worth complaining about. I have great friends who surround me with love, support, and distractions. I have two kids that love me and I love so much. Besides the annoying ex (THE ex, to clarify), being sick, and not knowing 'what's next', I am doing dang good. I really never thought I'd be able to say that and mean it for this long running. Hmpf, maybe I have grown up and maybe things ARE looking up.. .. .. TTFN.. .. ..

Can't stop smiling ...

2009-10-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am so happy about where I am right now that I just can't stop smiling!!! Yesterday I picked up L from school so N could get as much sleep as possible. He worked all night Saturday, then back Sunday, court Monday morning ... he needed sleep!!! So I offered to pick her up from school. I already had Logan and we were hungry, so I invited her along. And... she accepted. So the three of us went to dinner and had a nice visit. During dinner she was talking about their spirit week, since their school is playing their rival school on Friday. She needed a shirt and puff paint, ribbon, etc, to make a cool shirt for Thursday. Since I know N is working through Wednesday night, and because I really wanted to, I offered to take her to get all the stuff she needed. So we went to four stores looking for all the things and getting the materials she needed ... and a few extras. She's going to look all school-spirited!!!

We went back to her house and *thought* dad would have a break soon so Logan and I hung out. Logan was doing his homework and L and I were hanging out. I was surprised, happily, when she showed me her myspace. And "introduced" me to her friends... Showed me who they were, funny clips they did on youtube ... really just shared a lot. She talked about people from school, the boy she has a crush on ... It was so much fun just sitting around chatting and having a good time. Eventually she did her homework, and by the time she was done it was 11:00! (Logan had gone to bed long ago....) So we sat and watch t.v. for a few and then she went off to bed and I fell asleep on the couch. I was only going to wait 30 more minutes but ... sleep won. N got off work at 2:00 so I saw him for a few and headed home.

I can't stop grinning though. We had such a great night!! It ONLY would have been better had N been with us. Then again, maybe not. It's nice to have time with L and get to know each other...

So, I sit here smiling. Happy for all that's happening and enjoying each and every minute!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... and a side-note. While we were at one of the stores I saw someone ... The last guy I was dating ... the girl he went back to ... she walked by. OH MERCY, if looks could kill I would have been DEAD. Not sure why she hates me... she "won" ... So she thinks. I could only smile. I am so lucky things happened the way they did. I ended up with a man that loves me so much and would NEVER waiver between me and anyone else!! So I just smiled and she got more mad and stormed by.... Ahhh the comfort of security!!!

Happy days ahead!!!

And another great weekend.. .. ..

2009-10-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

What an awesome weekend!

Friday I left work a little early to help N out ... he needed to go to Fresno to pick up another car and so I went with him to drive it home for him. The ride down there was so nice. We talked some, he took a phone call, I was texting ... just being!! Things are just so comfortable with him ... so normal. So we got down there, then headed right back in the separate cars. It was nice, to have the time to think, to reflect on how things are going... When we got back to his house I used his computer for a few and hung out with him and L, his daughter. They got into a WWIII wrestling match, which was HILARIOUS!! We were all joking and hanging out; having a good time. L wanted to go to the football game, so I took her and dropped her off. We had all the windows down, the moon roof open, and the music up ... so much fun! N came over and hung out for the few hours she was at the game. At least I *think* he was there ... Logan stole him! LOL

Saturday morning Logan and I got up and went to L's cross-country match. Holy smokes, talk about impressed. She ran a 3 mile course in 22:35. YES, a little over 7 minutes a mile!!! I was exhausted FOR HER. She had to stay the day, so Logan and I took off to his soccer game.... and N came too!! After that N went home and Logan and I went to clean house!! I had three kids on their way!! LOL. I babysat for a friend ... her three kids, 12, 7, and 3. =) My brother came over, too, and N and L. The kids all got along SO well and had a great time!! They were so well behaved ... I would watch them ANYTIME.

The downer was ... 10 minutes before dinner time N got a call-out. =( Had to respond to a crime scene. So he had to take off, but L decided to stay and hang out. And stayed. I offered to take her home, but she wanted to hang out. So we played Guitar Hero, Wii Fit, and talked ... until dad got home at 4 a.m.!!! YIKES!! It was so awesome though. Such a good time getting to know her!!

Sunday Logan and I were LAZY until soccer time at 1:00. N & L came out (N plays with us now). We had a good game, but lost, but I was too tired to care!! We left to go home for dinner, and L rode with me. ... . Told her dad "meet you there!". =) Soooo, I *think* she might like me!! Whooohoooo!! They came for dinner, and while it was cooking all four of us went out front and played soccer together. It was so nice and such fun!

After they went home (N had to work at 6) we relaxed and went to bed early. It was such a nice weekend and a great way to start the week. Here's hoping for many more good times with the people I adore!!! =)

(Little Less) Cautiously Optomistic

2009-10-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to my friend Mary's house. Just to stop by and drop off some stuff. It turned into a long visit, which is always a treat with Mary. We were sorting candle orders and just kinda b.s.'ing when she asked about N. She said, "You haven't talked much about him, what's up?"

She's right. I don't talk about N much. I do not feel like this relationship is ANYTHING like the ones I have had in the past. I know I've already talked about this, but I don't feel fireworks and butterflies. I feel peace and security. And I am slowly, cautiously, falling in love with the man he is. I don't feel a need to grasp to him or make labels. I don't need a plan or a commitment. I don't need anything but the moment with N. I talked those things through with Mary and she was beaming. She said, "this one is so different, and different is good."

I have talked to Nikki, Mary, my brother, and my counselor about N. And all have said that he could be "the one". I think maybe, though I'm in no rush to make that happen. I weigh everything with him. Pro's/con's ... likes (no dislikes yet) ... On paper, he is everything I want and need. He is secure, he has a great career, he's a phenomenal father, and he treats me like a princess. In my heart, he is everything I want. And some stuff I didn't even know I wanted. Goofy as heck, silly, and just full of life.

After talking to Mary I went home and N and I started talking. We shared a lot of the thoughts we both were hesitant to share. We have both been able to see ourselves sharing a home. Sharing our families. We are both willing to take our time getting there though. And I think that balance is what will make it work. I told him I am not ready to share all of me. I am scared and I can't be hurt again. I have to keep him at arms length and slowly allow him in. He is okay with that and willing to put in the time and effort to make this work. He is such a good man and words cannot fully express how good he is to me. How caring, compassionate, and patient.

So we will continue building this foundation we have started. Letting it go as naturally as possible, and puling back the reigns when necessary. I will say, I am ubber excited today. N is working overtime and his daughter needs picked up from school so I am going to get her. And she's happy about that. ;) She likes me, and Logan likes N, so at least one big hurdle has been cleared!!

Still hesitant, still scared, however holding faith in God, myself, and N ... and just trusting the process!!

Great Weekend

2009-10-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

I had such a fun, great weekend!!

Friday night was so great. Logan and I went home and I made dinner. Which used to be a normal thing for me, but lately I had been lagging. It's so hard to make a dinner for two. Leftovers go to waste and it's a lot of effort for just the two of us. Soooo... we had company! I invited my brother and N over!! I made ranch chicken, rice pilaf, and broccoli. Yummmmmmy. They all enjoyed dinner so much. It was kind of nerve wrecking, and exciting, to make dinner for N. Luckily he doesn't cook, so anything is good, and he absolutely loved it and is still raving about it. For good measure I also made him brownies (his favorite) for dessert. We (brother, N, and I) stayed up late visiting and them getting to know each other. We had such a great night!!

Saturday was another great day. Logan had woke up Friday night coughing and ended up throwing up from it. We had a long night because of it, so we stayed home Saturday morning to rest and hopefully feel better. He was doing good, so he went with friends to a huge pumpkin patch and to spend the night so I could go off with my friend Kelli for the night. We went to a San Jose Sharks game! I have ALWAYS wanted to go to a hockey game, so it was an awesome time!!! Sooo much fun. We got home super super late, but it was so worth it!!

Since Logan spent the night with friends, I got to sleep in!! And boy did I ... until 11:15!! Wooohooo!! It was soooo nice and for once I felt fully rested and not tired!! I got up and went to get Logan and then soccer. N started playing soccer with us, so we met out there. It was a lot of fun playing soccer together. He did pretty well besides feeling like he'd die because he's out of shape. hehe. We'll take care of that. ;) He also brought his daughter, and it was nice to meet her! We all had lunch together afterwards and I *think* it went well. After that Logan got a much-needed haircut then we went home to veg. We left the house one last time, to take N some snacks and say good night. Then it was a peaceful, happy night at home.

So ended a great weekend and started a great week!!

Feeling Well-Balanced

2009-10-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

So another relationship has started for me. And I think I'm as tired of my relationships as my friends are. Always someone new I'm excited about and head over heels about. I know my friends are hesitant and tired of hearing about it. Hell I am out of enthusiasm myself.

And I don't have that zest and enthusiasm this time. I am not head over heels. I am not in love. I am, however, very happy and very at peace.

Things with N have been easy. This relationship feels a lot like the last. Those things I was so devastated I was losing are all right here again. N and I communicate very well. We can talk for hours. We check in on how our days are (his are always much more exciting, lol). We are very comfortable with each other. The ease of sharing our time together is so nice.

My brother met him the other day and really, really likes him. He said "This guy is really great. I hope it works". N has a good balance about him. He is a man's-man, being the big-bad cop ... yet he has a heart of gold and treats me like a complete princess. I have NO doubts he would NOT hurt me and will value and treasure me for a long time to come...

He has spent time with Logan and they are the best of friends now. They play Lego's (N bought three sets the other day for them to build together). Now that's all Logan wants to do. He asks when N is coming over all the time. They have a definite bond.

And yesterday I met his daughter. She is 15 and beautiful, sweet, and a lot of fun. We talked some at soccer, and then all went out to lunch together. I *think* she likes me and N says he's pretty sure she does too. I sincerely hope so.. .. .. It frightens the heck of me that I could potentially have a 15y old step-daughter someday, but she is a good girl and I can see us having a great relationship.

So, I guess I will say I'm very cautiously optimistic. I don't want to invest too much of my heart or get my hopes up. I do enjoy N's company very much though and cannot deny that the comfort of our company feels great and is something I long to have long-term.

We'll just keep going day-by-day and see how it goes. I do feel blessed, though. And fully realize and appreciate that truly when one door closes another does open. Normally with greater potential and possibilities than the last!!

Hmmm....

2009-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

You know, life really is sweeter when you take it one day at a time. When you appreciate the moments. And so is a relationship, as I'm learning. So I have been on the fence with how I feel about N. There still aren't mad crazy sparks and "I am dying to see you" feelings. There isn't a need for a label or to know "what's next". And I like it. A lot. I like that I am uncertain on how I feel, however I know that each time we talk I want to know a little more. I like that he is interested in me, though he's patient to take the time to get to know me. I like that we smile ... a lot. Laugh a lot. And can sit in silence and still be grinning just as much. There is a level of comfort that is soothing. Like hanging out with a good friend. I can see a future with him though I'm in no rush to make that happen. It's nice to be "going with the flow". We spend a lot of time together, and balance time apart. It's good.

And he is the single most genuine, sincere, sweet person I know. He treats me like an absolute princess and I have no doubt he would not even imagine to look elsewhere while we are together. He appreciates the small things and shares those with me. It's nice to hear randomly "you are beautiful". And then in the next sentence picking and laughing at each other.

He is coming over again tonight. I was looking forward to maybe watching a movie and hanging out. He is headed to Target right now, though. To get Lego sets. To build with Logan. Guess my date night will be another night. Tonight is fun with Logan night. Guess the boys will have to teach me how to build with Lego's. And just the thought makes me grin from ear to ear .. .. ..

Wonderful weekend and new possibilities.. .. ..

2009-10-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was really good. Surprisingly good.

Friday night I had a date. I was set up with this guy by a very close friend of mine. She said he's a sweetheart and thought we'd click. So, why not??

The first thing that impressed me about him was his take-charge attitude. Instead of beating around the bush, he just straight out asked me out. Then he asked if I'm okay with surprises and set up the date and just told me what time to be ready. It was nice not having to make any decisions or figure out anything beyond what to wear.

So I wasn't really nervous OR excited about the date. I felt really relaxed and just viewed it as an opportunity to hang out with someone new.

The date ended up being fantastic. He (N) picked me up right on time and we instantly clicked. I was good to keep conversation light and had low-key talk and banter. He took me to play putt-putt which I LOVE. And it's such a fun, light-spirited thing to do. Provided plenty of time to hang out and talk and be goofy and silly. Which we did all the above. We ended up golfing all three courses and had such a fantastic time. After that we played some air hockey. Then we were off to "part two" of the date. :) He took me to Marie Calendar's for dessert! We had such good conversation and just really enjoyed the company!

Afterwards he took me home and stayed until 4 am. We got to know each other, but I was careful to keep a lot back. I have two 'major' things I think is important to share, and did, and he wasn't phased by either. Besides that, though, I kept the conversation more on him and a little lighter, for the most part.

Saturday was going to be a low-key, hang around the house kind of day. Logan was chilling and I decided to ask N if he wanted to just come hang out. So he did. What surprised me the most was Logan's immediate draw to him. Which surprised and worried me. Lately Logan has had an ambivalence towards people...not really interested in making new friends. I was kinda counting on that when I invited N over. But within five minutes Lo was showing him toys and before I knew it they were building Lego spaceships and flying them around the house. They definitely instantly clicked. N stayed and hung out throughout the evening and we all three were having a good time.

Sunday he came back again, for my soccer game. He came back to the house for just a few before Lo and I had to go to a football party and N had to go home to sleep before work. (He is a police officer, working through the nights). Logan was very upset that he was not staying with us. I really feel bad about that because what if it doesn't work?? hmpf.

I am a wee bit confused with N. I like him. He is very very sweet and treats me like a princess. The things he says and does blows my mind. I have absolutely no doubt he would hurt me like I have been hurt. And I look forward to talking to him again and seeing him again. I just feel almost too comfortable ... I don't even know how to explain it. We'll just have to see how it goes I suppose. I will say, it was a very nice weekend. I am just very hesitant. Very guarded. So we will see.. .. ..

Overall though I am very happy besides this situation. I feel good about things again. I had a great day with my friends yesterday. This week is busy with friends and sports. ((OH I am going to start playing softball on Friday nights, too!)) And we'll see what the weekend holds. I am just happy right now and that feels good!

Moving Forward

2009-09-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been really good for me. I have continued to reflect and learn. I continue to grow from the experiences of my life. I feel so much lighter in the last two days and I let go of the past and am moving forward. So, emotionally, I am doing FANTASTIC and am optimistic for "what's next", whatever that may be...

Logan has been a little out of whack, as I think I mentioned before. He misses Jonah A LOT and keeps asking "when will he come home". I am hoping in time he will adjust. Right now we just spend a lot of time snuggling and sharing love. He is definitely more insecure lately and I want to do all I can to change that for him. He is doing fantastic in school though. He is suddenly interested in learning and having a good time with school. I am very proud of him. He is definitely growing up too fast though. Every day I look at him I think "where did my baby go?".

Things continue to be busy in our lives. I always think "this week will slow down". HA! This week I had my chiro appt/dinner/counseling on Monday, a candle party last night, softball tonight, soccer tomorrow night, a date Friday night, soccer Saturday and MUST clean the house, soccer for me Sunday and a football party. Exhausting just writing it out!! And that doesn't include work, union meetings, and negotiations. Oh the joys of life!!

Really, though, I cannot complain. Logan and I are healthy. We have good quality time together. We are active and share time with friends and together. Life really is good.

So irritated with myself.. .. ..

2009-09-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am so irked with myself for not being able to just say "screw you" and walk away. And I'm not even positive anymore that it's M that I'm more upset about or just the path my life is on all together. I am so tired of being alone. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I am a good mother, and I am so proud of that. However, I want someone to share my life with. I want to be a good woman to my partner and share my day with someone. Have someone to go do things with or do nothing at all with. I don't NEED anyone, though it sure would be nice to have someone. I so get why some people are codependent or stay in bad relationships. I do NOT want relationships like that .... I "get" though the thought that it's better than being alone. NOT SAYING I WILL SETTLE because I will NOT. And I don't ever want to be in another codependent relationship. Just ready for more ... I know I need to be patient. I need to stick to what I want and deserve. I will not settle, I will not compromise. Just pray a lot that God decides it's "my turn" soon and the right match, right relationship comes my way.. .. ..

Not sure what's up...

2009-09-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went out with friends, which ended up being a babysitting adventure that should have included stitches, but butterfly bandages instead. NO not for me... Reminds me why I don't go out often much anymore...

I slept so much this weekend. That's all I wanted to do. I was asleep by 830 both Saturday and Sunday night. And I still feel exhausted. Don't know what's up with that.

Mr. Logan has been full of p&v this past week and it's driving me insane. So I need to figure out what's up there and get that worked out.

Tonight is counseling again. Hopefully more progress can be made. Just in such a funk and I hate it. Wish I had the Magic 8 ball.. .. ..

And then there is anger ....

2009-09-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

They say there are many stages of grief. I think I've hit anger.

Yesterday I emailed M an apology of sorts. I realized that I had made some mistakes and wanted to acknowledge them. Afterwards he messages me and is so flippin' sweet. And confusing. Says he's on my side ... um, what?? WTF does that mean?? Really? Because if you were then .... ??? He apparently thought it was an invitation back in ... so I reminded him he has business he has to take care of and I still think it's best we don't have that open communication. Do I wish we could?? Oh yea. BUT I'm not going to just let him have it all. Chose her and keep me on the side as his "friend". Hell no. If he wants that kind of connection and closeness with me, then be done with that crap and be with me. But I will NOT enable anyone to half-ass it with everyone around them, INCLUDING and ESPECIALLY with me. And I'm not going to "just be friends" at the sacrifice of my feelings!!

Guess what??!! I deserve better!!!!!

Know what I deserve?? Someone who adores me so dang much they wouldn't even THINK of going back to an ex ... or looking twice at another girl ... or wanting to be ANYWHERE but with me. Someone that appreciates everything I have to offer and wants to nurture my heart and our relationship. Someone who wouldn't dare hurt me for their selfish gain. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to have it.

I swear I have a magnet for people who cannot stand up on their own two feet. Who cannot make a decision, cannot stand up for themselves, and cannot be true to themselves.

Know what?? Polarity is OFF. I refuse to go through this anymore. I refuse to deal with half-asses who can't pull their head out long enough to see what's right in front of them.

Maybe I sound like an arrogant bitch, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I look decent, I can take care of myself, I am a good mom, good friend, a good homemaker, and a damn good woman. And I am tired of being under appreciated and walked on. NO MORE. I'm done!!

My list of criteria and MUST HAVES and MUST NOTS is definitely growing. I still believe that I will have exactly what I want and need, I just need to be more careful to make sure it's not a smokescreen before I allow myself to care so much. I am tired of being hurt and I am starting to see quite the pattern ... so I must be to blame in some way. And I say NO MORE. I am going to stand up for me, take care of me, and be happy. I deserve it!! And I will not settle for less.

((glad I'm okay with being single ... I lay out a tall-order, huh??))

May I phone a friend?

2009-09-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

When stuff like this happens in life you KNOW you aren't the ONLY ONE this has EVER happened to, though sometimes it sure does feel like it. So when you find someone who completely understands, who says "OMG, YES, that' exactly it" ... well, you hate they are hurting too, but you take comfort in knowing you really AREN'T alone....

Last night one of my longest-running friends (since we were 7!!) and I got to talking. And it's so unfortunate, but our lives are parallelling right now and we both know how bad it sucks butt!!!

We talked for over three hours. It was so enlightening. I think we both learned a lot about the people that have hurt us, though I am so proud that wasn't our focus. We both know that others can only change if they chose to. I had a few epiphanies that I want to share and, more important, write down to revisit when I get discouraged...

First, accept that people only as good as they know how to be. We cannot expect more than someone has to offer. If people are emotionally inept in certain areas, we cannot expect them to fulfill our needs in that area. We cannot hold them to a standard above their abilities to accomplish. So we have to decide if where they're at is adequate for what we need or if we need more. If so, we need to be strong enough to not settle and seek out a match to our criteria and needs.

Second, inspect what you expect. Don't be afraid to talk, ask questions, seek answers when you don't understand, when you're insecure, or when you have that 'gut instinct'. If you chose not to, then you're allowing deceit by omission or insecurities to sneak in....

Third, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk on you, they will. If you allow them to maintain relationships with others, they will. If you don't require them to respect you, they won't. If you don't set the minimum standards and expectations they will not meet them. It's so important to know what you want, need, will tolerate, and won't. If YOU don't know what you expect, if you don't know what you're looking for, you'll never find it.

I also really realized a big issue I have. My greatest attribute and fault. I love and give with every ounce of my heart, without reservation. Is that a good thing? I think so ... but not when I don't pace it and don't moderate to whom and how quickly I share it.

I own a lot of responsibility for the way this situation turned out. Though the sharing and the communication and connection were GREAT it WAS overwhelming on both ends. And I contributed and pushed that a lot. I regret that. I think had I been wiser to moderating how much I shared, pacing myself, keeping more mystery about myself, then things *may* have turned out differently. I do believe he feels he needs to finish this other situation, however I truly believe he also ran in fear. Of how close we were getting, of where it might go, of the situation as a whole. And I know a lot of that is my doing. I sincerely didn't have the intention of pressuring him into ANYTHING. I had no time frame, no pressure, no need for concrete answers on us, yet I know that's the impression I gave. In retrospect, hell, I'd be scared of me. I won't say that I will stop caring with every ounce of me, however I will be smarter to moderate that and keep some mystery in the relationship. I have learned how the best of heart and intentions can be your biggest enemy.. .. ..

Overall I feel more at peace today. I am not sure what comes next or what will happen. BUT I know my expectations, my wants, and more importantly, how to buffer myself and hopefully give the "next try" with whomever a better chance.

Baby steps and faith ...

Today...

2009-09-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

Is a little better than yesterday ... baby steps, right?

I saw a sign today at daycare. It's probably been there forever, but I just noticed it today. It says, "Faith is hope when you don't understand". I think I need more faith...

I will say, last night was better. I was surprised I did so well. Tuesday was supposed to be our standing date night. We were supposed to get together and watch the Biggest Loser (we had already picked our favorite team) and spend time together. So I was dreading last night ... big time ... and considered not even watching my favorite show. BUT I refuse to let this sadness and void rule my life.

Before Biggest Loser time, though, I helped my friend out with transporting her kids around. She had somewhere to be, her husband somewhere else, and her kids yet another place. So I brought them home to her. This is the friend that hooked M & I up.... So she asked what was wrong and I told her. She was so shocked and disappointed. She apologized and I told her there was no need; she couldn't have known this would happen... heck, I didn't know until it did. I was (am) pretty stunned too. It did help to talk things through with her, though. I know I have exhausted other friends. I just don't "get" it, so talking I find myself talking it through over and over, trying to make sense of it.

Anyways, I got home and was determined I was NOT going to give up watching BL because of this. I already am switching the radio every time Rascal Flatts comes on (the concert we had planned to go to together). So no more power over me!!

And I started watching the show. And I found myself thinking of last week, laying on the couch together watching it together. We would randomly look at each other ... nothing said, just staring at each other and smiling. That connection. That peace. That pure happiness. And I found myself smiling. What we share is something so special. We could say nothing and say a million things all at once. We were ourselves. It was easy.

I want to love and embrace those things. I want to remember and enjoy what we had. That was real. And it was awesome. I know that the love I want, the relationship I want IS possible. Would I love to share it with M, since we so obviously have it? Absolutely. However if he is unable or doesn't want to share it with me, at least I know it can exist. It may take a long time to find again ... I deserve that relationship. And I won't settle for anything less. Do I still hope and pray he has a V8 moment and we start over and share that again? Absolutely. I won't just sit and cry though. I will pray and I will have faith (see above) and I will continue forward. I do hope he catches up, however I cannot just stand still.

Mornings are the hardest time. We always messaged good morning. And I would tell him to be safe, and we missed each other and have a good day. So maybe putting it here will relieve some of the grief of not being able to tell him.. .. .. =(

WHY

2009-09-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

does doing the 'right' thing feel 'wrong' and hurt so much??!!

So very hard.

2009-09-22T09:34:00.003-07:00

I am in a much better state of mind today than yesterday. It has not been easy by any stretch. I finally just kept praying for peace and God delivered. In an amazing, awe striking way. And I was able to do what I had to do.

I told him not to contact me anymore. It's not what I WANT but what we both need. If he wants to give it one last go with the ex it is unfair to HER for him to continue to message me about how he misses me and is thinking about me. And it's unfair to me. I will not take half-ass. I deserve 100% and will not settle.

I figure one of two things will happen. He will be happy there and forget about me OR he'll miss me so much he'll realize he made the wrong choice and come back. Either way it will give me the time to think and heal and take care of ME.

I hate that people think that thinking of yourself first is selfish. You have to think of yourself first. If you are not happy with yourself, if you are not loving yourself, you cannot share those things with anyone else. You have to be comfortable with yourself and complete to share yourself anywhere else. So I need to reestablish that for myself and he needs to find that for himself. Either it will lead him back or ...

One thing I DO know is I found exactly what I want. The relationship we shared is everything I have hoped for. So whether it's with him or someone else, I know it exists and I won't settle for less.

So for now I fight the urge to message him ... I fight the urge to tell him I love him, be safe, I miss you ... and I pray to God to do his will and trust that He will take care of the details....

So confused and STILL crying....

2009-09-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

Which just pisses me off. I swore NO ONE would ever effect my emotions this much ever again. Yet I woke up throwing up for 20 minutes, almost called into work, and when I got here my boss tells me I can go home if I need to ... I think the swollen red eyes gave it away that things aren't okay...

I am really torn as to what to do. I really don't understand or know how he feels about me. "Thinking about you" sends a lot of mixed signals right now.

Should I just suck it up and accept whatever he is willing to share? I don't know if I could handle being "friends" if he and his ex are back together. I have NO respect for her. NONE. And I know she does not love him ... Love is not selfish, manipulative, and conniving. So it would bother me that he's settling for less than he deserves. Not even that he has to be with me ... maybe I'm not what he wants or needs, but KNOWING he is settling for less would bother me.

He really does have a great heart and I love him dearly. I am torn so much and don't know what to do. I think not really understanding where he's at, what he's thinking and feeling, complicates things. I don't know that I even know what *I* think or feel right now.

I just wish there was an easy cut-and-dry answer. I guess there isn't. Life is never that easy, right??

I will just keep praying, keep hoping His will will become evident, and pray for peace in my heart... Just want peace ...

My heart just hurts.. .. ..

2009-09-20T20:39:00.001-07:00

I sit here, again, sobbing. I can't stop crying. I feel like my hearts been ripped out and is in someone else's hand, being squeezed. I can't catch my breath. I can't focus...

I felt so bad at lunch. More than once my friends had to ask if I was okay ... to 'snap me back to reality' when I was staring off into the void I feel. I would hear the words people said, but couldn't comprehend the context. I had to excuse myself to purge lunch as the knot in my stomach won out ...

And he messaged me ... off and on all day ... Good morning. Drive safe. Hope you're having a good time. He even asked if maybe he should leave me alone for awhile ...

It's such a catch-22. On one hand NO, please don't stop messaging me. Please don't stop caring. On the other, please stop squeezing... I love him. Like I have never loved before. I wish he would just think ... for just a second ... about how good it is between us. I thought maybe I was delusional, but my friends say "he can't fake happiness like his smile shows in that picture". My brother says, "Jenn, the way he looked at you, it was real". So why?? Why wouldn't you want that? Why message me TODAY that "...but I have to say that i love u an u can always make me smile... thank u for that :)" ...?? Then WHY wouldn't he want that as part of his day-to-day life?!

Or maybe he does. Maybe he continues to hold on to me, not because he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, but because he wants to make himself feel better. Maybe he could care less about how I'm hurting as long as he can proverbially "have his cake and eat it too".

Or maybe he does love me and maybe he will decide he wants to be with me. Yes, I would still in a heartbeat say "Let's start over and let's keep writing this chapter of life together". Things would be different. Definitely slow down. Definitely make sure he's working through his past and I'm working through mine. And we would work together on a future. But I don't hate him; I love him very very much. And, sincerely in my heart, I think he feels the same. I just can't pretend to understand all this ... but I just do not feel that this chapter is over...

As for contact, I don't know what to do. Consensus is cut it off. Either he'll realize how much he misses me and come to his senses or I will be able to heal. Right now it's just seemingly false hope and extra pain. The idea of him not in my life at all, though, is excruciating as well. I don't know what to do.

I wonder if I'm just fooling myself to believe he cares and he will come back. I don't know if I am just in denial. I just know I love him unconditionally, with all the pieces of my hurting heart ...

Crazy how quick things can change...

2009-09-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

I sit here in tears. It's numbing how quick things can change ... without any warning, without any 'signs'. Actually, much to the contrary.

Friday was a good day. M and I were getting along great. He was happy, I was happy. We were texting and being goofy and sweet. Flirty and fun. It felt like things were back to "normal". He tells me that his ex is coming over that night to let the boys play. He knows I am not comfortable with this, but that I trust him. He even states there isn't anything to be worried about ... he joked "I want to tell her face to face about our upcoming nuptials"... totally a joke, but reassurance he isn't interested in going back there and I am where he wants to be.

Then he just stops messaging ... and doesn't again until the next morning. I didn't sleep all night. I knew... I knew in my gut.

Sure enough, they had a "long talk" and rekindled the flame and he "is confused". (Not so confused that they haven't spent most of the weekend together). And he doesn't know what will happen but hopes we can still be 'friends', he loves our 'friendship', and doesn't want to lose that.

I will tell you, I was a whole spectrum of emotion at that time. I was crushed, crumbled, mad, FURIOUS, ... and hurt. So so so hurt. And felt so lied to. We talked for a little bit and I let some of that out. Then I just closed up. And so now it's been 24 hours and I am coming here to get it out...

First, I am angry. At him and his ex. First at him for lying to me. For making me believe I had nothing to worry about, when obviously I did. For abusing and violating my trust. And for being blind and stupid to her antics.

I am angry with her for not respecting the relationship between M and I. ESPECIALLY because she does know me!! And she had no regard for hurting me or HIM. That's what makes me really angry. Her motivation is selfish. She is jealous he had moved on, she is lonely, and she wants him back... she, she, she. She couldn't give a rats ass about HIS needs and his happiness. She is blowing the smoke screen of "I miss you so much, your son misses me, I have changed, I will be better ... " BS. If you were going to change and be better you would have during the relationship. And SAYING it and DOING it are two different things ... and you don't change in a few weeks!!! FUNDAMENTALLY people DON'T change!!!! And do you WANT to be with someone who has to change who they are to be with you??!! But she knows M, and knows how to play every bit of that big heart. So my question is, is emotional blackmail and manipulation love? NO, it's codependency, selfishness, and neediness. And it kills me, because he's fallen for it and will go back to not hurt her more. And he, his son, and her will end up more hurt when it's the SAME EXACT THING all over again.... I believe she believes she loves him... but it's not love... it's her NEED to not be alone and have him take care of her. It has nothing to do with what's best for him. And THAT'S not love....

It kills me for him. I truly just want him happy. I know he wasn't with her, for the most part. We all have the good times, the connection, the moments that will forever make us smile. However, I know that there was so much hurt, so many issues, that those things will never mend and will never change.

There is nothing I can do to change that though. He has to make his own choices and see how they play out for him.

Crazy thing? I'd take him back and start over in a heartbeat. Our relationship was damn good. Easy communication, great with honesty, trust, and friendship as the basis. Great chemistry. And most importantly, the ability to just be ourselves and enjoy each others company.

I won't fight for him though. I am not going to whine and cry and plead my case. I am not going to be her... I will not manipulate him and blackmail and guilt him into missing me. He asked last night how I was and I made the mistake of being honest. Numb, hurting, hurting, hurting.... I won't do that again. He messaged me first thing this morning. My initial reaction was to tell him how empty and sad I am. Then to be hateful and tell him not to worry about me. BUT those are all from pain and hurt and I would regret it. So I took a few minutes and messaged back all I could muster "have a good day". It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want to love him and I know he needs me to just back off and let him figure things out. So I love him in my heart, from a distance, and pray ... a lot.

I pray that God will work in his heart. Lead him in the right direction for his life. Lead him to where he will be happy. Bring peace in his heart that he's making the right choices. I pray for peace in my heart and patience. It's the one time in my life I believe the saying, "If you love someone set them free, they will come back if it's meant to be". I don't believe our chapter is complete. And I pray that he'll chose me. That he'll resolve his issues with the past and realize how great we are together and choose, for once, peace and happiness in his life. Most of all, I just want him to be happy, wherever that is in his life. I truly love him, and I only want what's best for him. Only he can figure out what that is for him. I just pray for that ... for us to be right where we are supposed to be ... whether it's together or apart...

As for me... I keep praying for peace in my heart. For the tears and the numbness to go away. And selfishly, for M to see how great we are, how easy it is, and to chose me... = ( Like I said though, I won't beg, I won't even plead my case. IF what we share means as much to him as it does to me, his heart will tell him. And he will have to chose what to do.

Until then I just pray.. and hope that God will either work to bring us back together or heal my broken heart... the sobbing and vomiting is taking it's toll...

And the beat goes on...

2009-09-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

(I think I have used that before... maybe... hmmm... oh well....)

So there IS life beyond M... Promise. =)

Logan is on the UP-SWING!! YEA!! This week was so much easier as far as homework went. He is suddenly more interested and moving through the work with much more ease, with much less fight. He has started sharing with me the songs they are learning, and he seems happier to be going at all. THANK GOODNESS. Overall he has been a bit moody. He is exceptionally tired lately. School, soccer, it's just kicking his little bum. He has also had a hard week in regards to Jonah. He is missing his brother A LOT. He doesn't get the concept of time and he says "Jo has been gone FOREVER, he needs to come home." =( I wish it were that easy. I know with time he will adjust, but it has been hard. Overall though I think we're moving forward and each day is getting a little better.

I am doing well overall. Work has been busy. So many committees and commitments too; hopefully those will slow down soon. Besides that we have just fallen into our routine. Softball is Wednesdays and soccer on Sundays for me... Logan has soccer Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. So what little time we have left we VEG OUT. =)

Life just keeps moving on in all other fronts. I figure if I have nothing to complain about then it's a good week!! Lots of prayers it keeps going that way!!

Communication IS Key

2009-09-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

So I was obviously feeling a little confused and out of whack yesterday. Well, I figured the one super great thing about my relationship with M is the ability to be honest and communicate. So I just talked to him about how I was feeling. And everything is good. He understands my insecurities, shared a little more with me, and reassured me that we are good. And we made it clear that if either of us feel that things aren't going forward we'll tell the other. Having that open communication and trust is SO IMPORTANT and really is making a difference. Like I have acknowledge a few times ... this relationship is SO different, BUT things haven't worked in the past sooooo maybe it's a good thing!! ; )

Security Induced Insecurity

2009-09-17T14:50:00.001-07:00

So, the last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. And it's frustrating because I should just be happy. Things are good! But NOOOOO I am paranoid and insecure, all because I am feeling SECURE!!

How to explain?

I feel very confident and comfortable in my relationship with M. We are becoming very close, as friends and as potentially more. I trust him wholeheartedly. We have great conversations and continue to learn more about each other. In the beginning it was a mixture of "wanting to take it slow" and the eagerness of wanting to talk all the time, missing him like mad, and butterflies. As the time has gone by, especially in the last few days, I don't feel the need to talk/text all day. I am not stressed on "when will I see him again?". I know I WILL see him again, so when isn't as stressful. Our texting has slowed down some.... Things are changing some. And in one way that feels great and makes me happy. I think it signifies a security and comfort in the relationship. That you know that the relationship is strong and moving forward. No need to rush, no need to be needy, just enjoy it as it goes along. On the other hand....

He has been acting the same way in return. He's also been a little stressed and reflective of all the stuff that's happened the last year. (He's had a hell of a year). So he's been a little more reserved. Or so it feels. A little withdrawn, or so it feels. I have started to over analyze EVERYTHING that he does now. I am so secure with how I feel, where he stands with me, and where I want things to go. But I find myself more INsecure with how he feels, where I stand with him, and where he wants things to go (if at all). I did ask him and he said we are good, though I still wonder. I feel neurotic!! I don't doubt what he says ...

I am scared. Guess that's the only way to sum it up. I feel AMAZING with him and am happier than I have ever felt. My friends have noticed and commented to the same regard. This is so different, so great, and so WHAT I WANT. So what if it's all gone tomorrow? What if he changes his mind? What if the stress of the last year makes him run from this? What if, what if, what if....

And that makes me feel stupid. Because I know we can't live in what if's. I know that alone will destroy anything that's happening because I will become insecure and push him away. Hence the writing it out. (though it suddenly feels like I'm talking to myself and need a straight jacket....).

So here is rational me again.... Things are GOOD. We have a great relationship and enjoy each other very much. So there is NOTHING to stress about. I need to just enjoy the security and the comfort of the relationship and let it unfold each day, one day at a time. I need to have faith in him, that what he says is true and that we are okay. I need to remember to just breath ...

And, honestly, if he walked away he'd be an idiot. =)

Deep breath in, deep breath out, and on to enjoying another day .. .. ..

Love and it's many definitions.. .. ..

2009-09-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

So M and I have been seeing each other a lot and not a day goes by that we don't talk. Things are truly amazing and so ... different. He is becoming such a good friend first and foremost. I can talk to him about anything, and he can do the same. We talk about random stuff, important stuff, and share a little more about ourselves each day. We laugh, comfort, care so much about each other. The relationship is so special in so many ways.

This past weekend was great together. Saturday night he came over and we shared a super evening. We had champagne and strawberries and pineapple with chocolate fondue. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. Often we both share how comfortable it is with one another. No pressures, no stress. No expectations. No censoring. Nothing but acceptance and shared enjoyment of our company. It was a wonderful night ... Sunday we got together again and things took a little bit of a turn...

So we went to pizza and were watching the football game. On another TV they had the MTV awards on. Well, Beyonce was on singing her single ladies song. And so I looked at M and asked, "She says all the single ladies should put their hands up... should I put my hands up?" He smiled and gave me a kiss, but didn't say anything ... Later we went back to his house to hang out for awhile and he said he wanted to talk about something....

The "L" Word. My heart was RACING. There had been many times over the last week or so when he'd say/do something and my first thought was "I love you". BUT I was NOT going to say it!!! NOT FIRST anyways. So I was nervous ... what was HE thinking?? So he said he believes there is all type of love in varying levels and then there is "in love". Long story short (because we could talk things to death ... communication is GREAT between us...) we both agreed that we love each other. The exact definition of that love is uncertain, however it's very much there. So... the "L" word has been introduced to our relationship. And then he also said, "BTW, to answer your question earlier ... I'd appreciate if you kept your hands down" and winked at me. So... guess we're officially more than just "kinda dating". =) (Not sure WHAT we are .... it's irrelevant anyways ... just know it's wonderful).. .. ..

The great thing is we are both so very honest with each other. It's easy to talk to one another and share how we feel and what we think. Even if we don't know how the other will react/feel, we promise each other to be honest and open. It's extremely refreshing and has been wonderful!

I won't lie ... I am not sure where my love for him falls today ... but I do know that it's headed down the path to being in love with him. I have more than once thought to myself "I can see myself with this man for the rest of my life". The best part is there is no rush. We both feel so comfortable and confident and happy where we are that there isn't a rush to move on to the "next level" or stake claim on one another. We do get swept away sometimes, but reground each other and remind ourselves that if this is true and right we have a lifetime to experience things together. So one day at a time, enjoy every moment, and no overthinking or rushing things!!

It's a different approach ... for both of us ... And it's working better than anything that's happened before for either of us! Definitely don't want to think too far ahead ... will acknowledge that we're pretty certain there is an "ahead" for us though!!! =)

((Oh for those that have asked ... He's 5'11"-ish, brown hair, green eyes ... GREAT body ... One kid ... Great career - law enforcement ... And has a heart big as the world. I am soooo lucky!!!))

Wow.

2009-09-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

Just out of interest.... I looked back to when I started this blog. Just a few days over a year ago. Is it crazy I don't recognize that person? That I have grown so much and changed so much that I am almost embarrassed that I was so ... weak? I know that all that I experienced molded me into who I am today and for that I must be grateful. I have learned so very very much.

I heard a quote yesterday ... "The further you look into the past the farther you can see into your future". LOOK at those past mistakes, look at where you were, where you're at, and where you want to go. BE a better person today than yesterday, and tomorrow than today!!

Life is Crazy!!

2009-09-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

But good. =) I thought with the end of summer would come some relief from the constant go-go-go of life. Of course I was just kidding myself! Things seem to be just as busy or busier here on this end. Logan started Kindergarten and "it sucks" ... oh boy! He is adjusting "okay" though homework is a challenge and his overall enthusiasm with school is ... lacking to say the least. I knew this would be a challenge with Logan. Jonah liked school (though he too dislikes homework), but Logan is much more of a goof-off and enjoys the "funner" things in life. I think he'll do fine and his teacher says he is smart and CAN succeed, he just needs to focus a little more. Tell me something I DIDN'T know!!

Jonah is doing well back east. He likes school a lot and says "the girls are prettier". Lord help me. Apparently he has a crush on FIVE girls ... hmpf. I talked to him this weekend and we both cried. There are so many feelings I have on the situation... I am so proud of him for making such an adult decision and the right choice for him. My heart aches and I miss him so much though. And I feel guilt ... when people ask about my kids and I have to say I have two, but only one with me. For some reason I feel like a failure. I KNOW I am not, but people look at you like you had to have sucked as a parent for your child to not want to live with you ... and I do wonder a lot. I wonder if choices and behaviors in the past led him to this decision. He says not, but..... Bottom line, though, I am happy that he is happy. That is all a momma could want for her child....

As for ME.... busy!! Between Logan's soccer practice and games, my softball and soccer, Union Board, Credit Union Board, management training, AND my "regular" job ... I have been swamped and overwhelmed!! But it's good. Keeps me busy. I think these next two weekends will be busy, then things should slow down ... relatively.

I am also seeing someone new... I felt bad in a lot of ways that things couldn't work out for me and F, but they just couldn't. We started things out WAY wrong and those would be issues that wouldn't go away. And we're really two different people, at two different places in life.

A good friend had "a friend" that she connected me with. We have been talking a few weeks and things are going beyond amazing. We have a lot in common, with a good balance of our "own things". He has a great career, good goals, level head ... he is a parent too so he understands that responsibility and role. And he's really turning into an amazing friend and potential partner ... We both want to take things slow .... really get to know each other and build from a friendship up. Sometimes it's hard ... the heart runs faster than the logical mind. However we keep each other grounded and remind ourselves that each day is an opportunity to learn more and to know each other better. I won't lie though... I am very optimistic!!!

So there goes the days of my life ... Now off to another meeting!!! =)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2009-08-20T12:03:00.001-07:00

Isn't that the battle we all fight? Life can be so confusing sometimes. And you're not sure what to do; what's best for you, your family, your sanity! I have really tried to make a concerted effort to fully think through my decisions to try and avoid the position of wondering if what I'm doing is the right thing or not. But what do you do when it's not YOU having this issue, but the people around you? Do you stand by and wait to see what they do or do you decide that you must move forward and they can either ante up and come along or be left behind? I guess it really all comes down to what's right for YOU. For me, standing still or moving backwards isn't an option. So I move forward. And as unfortunate as it is, some people might be left behind because of that. Some people say I've become too hardened, too resistant to flexibility and change. I personally think I'm just not going to do it anymore. Not going to compromise myself or modify what I want or need, or damn it deserve, to accommodate others. Really, should a person have to? Hmmm, so much to ponder, so much to weigh...

The 10% Pendulum

2009-08-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

We had an interesting talk at lunch yesterday that I am still contemplating and mulling over. It was called the 10% Pendulum... So here's the theory:

We all have a 10% Pendulum in our personality. The "other" 10%. You know, the 10% most people will never know or see in you.... The stuff like ... freaky, weird habits, dark thoughts. You know the stuff that others would think "what the hell" if they knew about you. So the question we all posed was, does everyone have that 10% pendulum?? Does everyone have their dirty secrets? That one (or more) thing they wouldn't want others to know or maybe only share with a few?

I think ABSOFREAKINLUTELY. AND now that we talked about it I am cracking myself up. I look at others and think "What's their 10% pendulum swing??" I KNOW that others would be shocked to know my little secrets. I so do not look like "that person" or act like it. So now I wonder what other people carry inside.

Oh and the point was made that those who let it become the 90% rather than the 10% are our freaks and serial-killers of society. Hmmm, are we really that closely on the edge of being on the wrong side of social acceptability??

Okay, so I know this is weird ramblings. But really think about it. Think about YOUR 10%. About those around you. If nothing else, you'll get a laugh at what you make up about them!! = )

Gooooooooal!!

2009-08-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so no goals yet. But soccer practice was a blast. Logan really loves it and was mad when practice was over. He is a left-footer just like his momma! He has great ball control and really enjoys it. AND I got asked to help coach. Oh boy, this will be fun. Back at it tomorrow night.

His attitude was also a little better last night too. He worked on his homework better and finally remembered how to say "yes m'am" and please & thank you again. PROGRESS!!! So we'll see how the rest of the week goes.... Prayers welcome. xoxo

What a night.

2009-08-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night wasn't fun at all. Yesterday morning I woke up with a killer back ache, which I recognized immediately. Yep, a good ol' kidney infection. Sucks having only one good kidney. So off to the doctor I went ... confirmed and antibiotics prescribed. Today it's killing me and I need to send a report for the boss, but he's not in yet, and I'm not sure I can make it much longer. The report may need to wait until tomorrow, I think my bed is calling me...

Logan was a poop last night too. We went to get his soccer gear and he kept walking off. I don't know where he got the idea that he's the boss and in charge, but he's about to get knocked down a few pegs... and soon. When we got home I tried to get him to do him homework, which he fought me on. I finally just sent him to bed. Between the migraine that had developed, the kidney pain that makes it hurt to breath, and his attitude I was done. Apparently he was too, as he was asleep in less than 5 minutes. I just keep praying for peace and patience ... hopefully soon that will come.

My heart is so heavy today too. So much turmoil and uncertainty.

I really think it's just time to go home, take a pill (or two), and go back to sleep for a bit ... oh and the serial-killer-hunting-me-nightmares didn't help either.. .. .. **long sigh**

First "good" Monday in awhile....

2009-08-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Normally I dread Monday's. Not that I don't like work, I really do. I think it's just that life gets so routine and mundane. And I get restless and just want each week to be over and done with. So it was with great surprise that I woke up this morning and smiled. Happy that another week was starting and wondering what excitement this week would bring.

I am sure that has a lot to do with having a great weekend too. Friday after softball I went on a date, of sorts. We went out to a favorite hang out and had a few drinks, played around, and did a lot of laughing and smiling. It was such a low-key, relaxed, fun time. Much needed!! Saturday was a full day. That morning we had an American Cancer Society pancake breakfast to go to. Then Logan and I went with my friend to a birthday party. It was such a great time. I was nervous; meeting new people still puts me a little on edge, however I ended up being very much at ease and having a great time. Logan had a GREAT time with all the kids!! I was appreciative of that. With Jonah being gone I like to have him around other kids as much as possible... Yesterday was a perfect day. Soccer was great, though we had no subs, so it was also quite the workout. Then we took Logan swimming and headed home for a quiet night of XBox and snuggling. Overall it was just a perfect weekend.. .. ..

This week will be busy but much fun. Tonight we have to get Logan's soccer gear and tomorrow (and Thursday) are his practice nights. I must say, I am so excited to see him out there playing soccer!! I think he'll enjoy it a lot. Friday is softball, last regular game of the season. Then Saturday is opening day for Logan's soccer, and Sunday is another game for me. Things are definitely going to stay busy, but I love it. Life is too short to not enjoy it!!! xoxo

Wow, gooserbumps....

2009-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

... Just when I start questioning myself. Hoping I am making the right decision, hoping following my heart won't be a big mistake again...

Jennifer got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...

... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging. That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish.

TGI School Time!

2009-08-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

My baby is back home!! I missed both my kids sooo much. So so much. It is still hurting a lot that Jo isn't home and I miss him something awful. I talked to him Tuesday and he seems to be adjusting well. It was his second day of JR HIGH. He said he had met some people and was making friends. He's getting used to changing classes and dressing out for PE, which I think was the biggest shock for him. He was pretty held-together when he talked to me, but talking to Logan sent him over the edge and he cried a little. They are best friends, so they are both missing each other a lot. I am hoping it gets easier over time. I know that I have my good moments and bad. As long as Jo is happy, growing, and finding whatever he's looking for then I am happy for and supportive of him.

Now Logan ... Logan is being a pill!! A complete little butt. It's going to be a task to get him back in-line and behaving again. He thinks it's cute to talk back, whine, and throw a fit. So he has been spending a lot of time on time out in bed. It kills me because I just want to spend time with him; we have to get his attitude under control first though. He is very much the "give an inch, I'll take a mile" type personality, so I have to be vigilant to stop it before it gets to bad. I am sure he'll adjust back soon, just a challenge so far.

He does LOVE Kindergarten though and was excited to start and go back today. He says he likes his teacher. I asked what he learned yesterday and he said, "You know, letters, songs, and how to play on the playground... stuff like that." =) He is adorable. This after rolling his eyes that morning at the mom and girl crying good-byes. Mr. Independent!! I am waiting to see how the next few weeks go, but he seems to love it and be adjusting well so far.

This summer was full of traveling and changes for me. I thoroughly enjoyed all my visits. Ohio, Phoenix, and Los Angeles were a blast. Seeing old friends, developing stronger relationships with new friends ... such good times. Three tattoo's later, many memories, and many smiles brought me back home. And, yes, a roller coaster of emotions, relationships, and internal drama. Before I get called out on why I haven't posted in a month!! =)

I also got to see my surrobaby girl while I was in LA. Since I haven't seen the triplets since they were 5 days old it was completely surreal to see her! She is 8 months old, crawling, smiling, cooing, and 'talking'. I got to hold her, snuggle her, and experience her in her own family and life. I was so proud to have helped create her and so blessed to see her interacting with her family, who love her so immensely. What a wonderful experience it was to see a child you carried with such love growing into such an amazing child!! I will always be appreciative to M&J for allowing me to remain part of their family!!

So the summer is at a close now. And it's time for life to settle back down. Which I am quite appreciative for. I am so happy to have my little man home and look forward to seeing him grow and learn this year in his FIRST year of school. Work is going well and I still love going to work every day. I am playing softball and soccer and Logan is starting soccer next week!! Someone I care VERY deeply for from my past has resurfaced and we are building a strong friendship with the foundation for possibly a great relationship. So life is good. And I am happy and at peace.. .. ..

What else could a girl ask for?? xoxoxo

Busy busy busy....

2009-07-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend went by entirely too fast. I have been non-stop since ... awhile!!

Thursday was a good day. I worked the farmers market during the evening, so I got out of the house and got some OT. YEA!! Afterwards a few of us went out for a few drinks. It was the first time I had hung-out with one of them and we had a great time. She's a people watcher (and commenter) too so that was a riot.

Friday night we had softball. Of course it was against the team that spanks us every time. They used to be in a higher league, but registration was down and only one league formed this season. So we got our spanking and then chilled out after the game for a bit. I went home and got ready to hang out with my friend Mandi. We have been friends since grade school, but don't seem to see each other nearly enough!! We had such a good evening though! We both made a promise to try and do it more often! No excuses!!

On the way home from there I messaged B.... Long story short, I went up to where he was staying and we had a nice long talk. Cliff's Notes: I am giving him another chance. He knows he was wrong, he knows I won't put up with it again, and he knows he has a good thing and better now blow it. That said, I didn't rearrange my weekend for him. I still kept all my plans and saw him around those things. He needed to know I was serious and that things aren't "all better" and completely healed!! So ... we'll see where that goes....

So anyways ... Saturday. I was so excited to get to meet my friend from Maryland!! She's doing a cross-country trip and stopped in Turlock to visit with me and another friend of ours. She was so absolutely genuine. Just like I've always known her to be!! We hung out around the pool (even through the rain ... yes, RAIN??!!). Then met some of T's friends and just hung out and laughed for a bit.

After that I headed back to town to a GTG with work folk. We ordered the UFC fights!! Whoohoo. The fights were good and a lot of fun. Good friends, good food, and good entertainment!! LOL. After that I headed to a friends birthday party. The bar he chose was a complete dive, so not much dancing or doing anything but watch over your shoulder. But it was his birthday and so we were there to celebrate with him.

Sunday was a great day, too. I will actually make a post of it's own for the highlight of the day ... SOCCER!! Yes, I am playing soccer again. After that I crashed out. Between the weekend and then the game I was just spent!!!

This week is another busy one ... I need to go see Momma Ardene and then Wednesday B is back for his grandma's funeral. Friday morning I fly out to Phoenix for the weekend!!! Whooohoooo!! I can't wait for my mini-vacation!!

So, yep, time to update I suppose ....

2009-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been quite an overwhelming week. I had an amazing visit with Nikki and her family. We had a great visit. Some of my favorite moments were sitting out back with the fire pit, just relaxing. Shopping was fun too ... nice to have girl time!! We also went to Kings Island, a really cool theme park. The roller coasters were awesome. It's been too long since doing that!! Overall it was just a super great visit. Very relaxing and much needed ... and a good distraction ...

... which, of course, was over when I got home Monday morning (2 a.m.). The house was so empty and quiet. And you can't miss the boys rooms. And I just crumbled. I miss my boys so very much. People say "It'll be so cool ... no kids for six weeks!!" Um, not really. I have never been away from Logan more than 3 days, so this was huge. We are on day 10 or something and I MISS him. Tomorrow is his 5th birthday, too, which just makes it harder. And Jo ... I can't even think about that. Ugh. I lost it when I put him on the plane. Just hysterical. I called my mom, begging her to tell me I was doing the right thing. I wanted to run down the tarmac and grab him and not let him go. He called me the other day, talking to me about how nervous he is. I wanted to tell him to come home, but I know he needed me to be strong and support him. So I did. I tell you, this is the most difficult, heart wrenching thing I have ever been through as a parent. I know I am doing the right thing for him, but ..... Anyways, I am sure it will get easier. Just counting the days until Logan comes home and at least ONE of my babies will be back....

Besides that I have been good. I was seeing B ... or talking I guess. He is flying down this weekend but I have asked him to make other arrangements than seeing me. He is a good guy with some insecurities and he takes them out on me. Dejavu bad and won't go back there again. I just cannot do that. So I'd rather be single than dealing with someone else's issues being projected to me. I feel bad, because I do care about him and think he's a sweet guy MOST of the time. But even the few bad times are too much for me to overlook, especially this early on. So I'll just be content to be single and see what comes along next.

So the daily bump and grind goes on and on ...

((Rereading this, it makes it seem that I am very down. I really am not. LOL. I feel good about life and where I am at. Just miss my boys. But life is still trudging along and I am still looking forward. Onward and upward always!!))

Finally have a second ...

2009-06-28T16:07:00.001-07:00

... but just one, so I better make it quick. LOL

Things have been so busy and hectic lately. I'll go from the back forward, though I'm not sure where I last left off. I'll start with NASCAR weekend.

Which was ... AWESOME!! The whole experience was so cool. We camped out which was a fun experience. The whole lot was full of motor homes, tents, and people passed out all over the place. Constant party from Friday ~ Monday! We got there late on Friday night, but that didn't stop us from hanging out with friends. Come 4:30 we finally went to bed. Saturday was a really nice day. We spent the morning hanging out, chit chatting, and laughing our butts off. Early afternoon was the Nationwide race, so we went over to watch that. Afterwards we went back for dinner and ... well, drinking. (though I didn't drink much all weekend ... drinking really doesn't do much for me anymore) We stayed up until 2:30. The group I was with was absolutely awesome. Lots of great conversation and lots and lots of laughter. We played some dominos and listened to music. They all reminisced and told old stories - which was hilarious. Finally we all crashed in anticipation of the BIG DAY! Sunday was an awesome day! Little did I know we had pit passes, which was soooo cool. Literally I stood a foot from KASEY KAHNE!!! I could have reached out and touched him. Of course, I wouldn't have stopped there and a night of jail was not on my agenda. = ) We walked down and saw his pit ... we got to be right at the stage for driver introductions ... it was so cool. The whole race was a lot of fun. Of course, having your driver WIN always makes the day even better. That night I was exhausted and passed out at 10:00 (a good four hours before the rest of the group). But that was okay ... I neeeeeeded sleep.

Monday was probably one of the BEST days I have had in a long time. B and I had a few hours before he had to be back to the airport. So we were going to go to Golden Gate park. Well, we made a few wrong turns which turned out to take us to the right spot ... a gorgeous beach up near Daly City. It was absolutely breathtaking. We walked along the beach, had a great picnic lunch, and then took a short nap on the beach. Words really cannot express how perfect the day was. The quiet time, the closeness, the relaxation ... it was really what my soul needed. Perfect end to a perfect weekend!

The rest of the week went by entirely too fast. There was dinner with friends and family, the Festa, and packing and preparations to be made.

Friday came all too quick. And now the tears begin again ... Friday I put my babies on a plane. I was a little better about Logan leaving by the time I had to load them onto the plane. I hope six weeks will go by fast and he'll be home soon.

Letting Jonah go, though, became suddenly excruciating. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces as I watched him go down the path into the plane. My son, my first born, my baby, was leaving me. I called my mom, sobbing my eyes out. All I could manage to get out was, "please tell me that I'm doing the right thing". We cried together and she consoled me and made me calm down.

I have to say, I am very glad that I jumped on the next plane out of town. I could not have gone home. To be there without my children ... to have to face his empty room ... I would have lost it. I think this week will be good for me to distract me and give me time to process it all.

So... here I sit in Ohio, getting some R&R with my best friend. So far the weekend has been great. A fun bbq with friends yesterday, the NKOTB concert last night, lunch and a movie today ... I'll write a full update on it all later, but now it's time for BBQ brawts and a firepit in the backyard. Good times!!

Can't Wait!

2009-06-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to see the proofs from our pictures!! Sunday was such an awesome day! We went up to Monterey with Tammi and her family. We meandered through shops, looked at the seals (or sea lions? or otters? LOL... even saw one rescued). We had a good lunch and a nice chat just relaxing. Tammi had three sittings (including us) so I got to watch her and R do two engagement sittings. IF I ever get engaged they are doing my photos!! The shots were amazing and you could feel the love and beauty. (I know, I'm a sap). I think our pictures will turn out awesome, too!! We did some on the beach, some on rocks, and a few in a Cypress tree!! The whole day was absolutely awesome!!

Saturday was a great day as well. Logan had his closing ceremonies at t-ball. He got his first trophy and thinks he's pretty hot stuff now!! After that we went to lunch to celebrate, then went home to rest for a bit. The block one up from us was having a block party, so we went over. The kids had a blast in the bounce house. There was yummy bbq, too. AND they invited the sheriff's department and the fire department out!! The kids got to use the fire hose and got soaked! The fireman also showed them the jaws of life and other equipment they use. The Sheriff officers showed the kids the cars, let them use all the lights and sirens, and let them experience (and play with) the handcuffs. The officers were really great with the kids and everyone had a great time! (and a friend gave one of the officers my number, teehee, we'll see if he calls. LOL)

And back-tracking one more day ... Friday night was FUN! Emily and I headed out for the evening and didn't look back! We had so much fun dancing and flirting, laughing, and just hanging out. After the bar closed we hung out with the D.J.'s at Denny's ... an after party indulgence I hadn't done in years and GASP Emily had never done!! The highlight of the night, for me, was running into an old friend/fling from High School. I used to wear his jersey and we went to a dance together ... we chatted for awhile and he got my number. I realllly hope he calls, at least so we can hang out as friends. He's such a sweetheart and I would love to keep in contact.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Now gearing up for this next weekend ... Last night Mom and I went and did all the shopping for the NASCAR trip. Just three more days!! Whoohooo!!!

It's the WEEKEND!!

2009-06-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Yea for Friday!! And another busy weekend ahead. Heck, this weekend starts the string of busy weekends to come.. .. ..

Tonight we have t-ball (last game!) at 6:00. Then C is coming over to watch the kiddos so I can go out with friends. Tomorrow is closing ceremonies for t-ball and that's DONE. Sunday is going to be a great day!! We are headed to Monterey with my friend, who is a photographer, to have pictures done on the beach!!! I am sooo excited. They will be such awesome pics to have done right before Jonah leaves. YEA! I can't wait to spend the day with friends and then get the pics done!! Whoohoo!!

And just as a preface to the summer ....

Next weekend is NASCAR in Sonoma and the boys are staying with my good friends Tricia and Mary (splitting the weekend). The following week the boys head off for their vacation and I head off for my week in Ohio. The following weekend I *may* have company. The next is in Phoenix. Then the next in LA ... Then it's AUGUST!! Holy Cow!! And during the weeks I will have my ... woot woot ... pole dancing classes!! I have a feeling this summer will FLY by!!

So, YEA, the day is done ... time to start another great weekend!!

What does it mean??

2009-06-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

So I am feeling much better today. Things seemed to have calmed down after the crazy weekend and things feel more in focus again. The bad news of last week has remedied and we're looking forward again. Works been hectic, but keeping me busy. And no more boy drama. Actually, just one boy to deal with and that's why I posed the question in the title.. .. ..

So... what does it mean when you "virtual shop" with a guy?? LOL The guy I'm *talking* to lives pretty far away. It takes airfare or a loooong drive to hang out if we wanted to. So we don't get to hang out. Tomorrow is his birthday and he's going out with friends. SO last night we were talking about what he was wearing out and decided he should wear a tie ... not fully tied, kinda loose... anyways, so today he goes shopping for a tie. And he messages me and starts emailing me pics. To help him pick out the right tie. Now I'm wondering if he thinks of me as potential girlfriend OR girl-friend material???? LOL. I *hope* it's the first option, but who knows. I do know we were up until 1:30 this morning, talking and laughing on the phone again. So that's a good sign...

Anyways, I am trying to NOT over think things (haha, that's an oxymoron with me, huh?) and just enjoy and go with the flow. But it's a lot of fun to have someone to talk to, laugh with, and flirt with. And in 8 days actually get to hang out with!! = )
~~~~~

Wave your hands and SCREAM!!!

2009-06-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Isn't that what you're supposed to do on a roller coaster?? Right??

So things are always a constant roller coaster. I think that it happens to keep me on my toes. I could probably be a ballerina at this point.. .. .. But I keep learning new lessons, growing stronger, and overall feeling better, so I have to believe it's all part of "the Plan" and go with it.

So now to un-confuse you ... here's the last week in a nutshell.

First, last Tuesday I was given some really upsetting news. The best laid plans had all gone to pot and things came to a screeching halt. I was very upset and disappointed. Obviously it all happens for a reason, the rest of the weekend showed that clear as a bell.

Here's the bad, then we'll go with the good.

This weekend was enough to make me want to scream. Friday night I ran into a guy I used to "hang out with". We still see each other from time to time at work. But not socially. Well, my friends and I were out and ran into him. He was ubber flirty and we danced together, talked about 'old times', and he told me to get a hold of him later. So I messaged him after we left to say "it was great to see you, talk to you soon". Well.... his wife messaged me back. The one he ISN'T separated from and the one that is sitting at home with their 2-yr-old and PREGNANT with another!!!!! I was soooo mad. I do NOT want to be *that woman*. I apologized to her over and over and we text back and forth for a bit. Got that all cleared up but I could kill him.... So all that transpired from Friday night - Sunday ... Monday I get a call from Mr. Disappear. He and I were talking again off and on, nothing serious. I knew he was dating someone else, but we weren't serious and neither were they. However, he calls me Monday to tell me he's sorry, can't talk to me anymore, they are serious, he's confessed everything to her, and he's sorry. REALLY??? I didn't care that he wasn't going to talk to me anymore, I cared that he felt the need to be so damn dramatic about it. So, okay, that's done. Things can't get any more bizarre, right??? NOPE. THEN I get a message, not two hours later, from J, the guy I went on the date with. Saying he really liked my company, I'm great, but .... he and his ex are reconciling!!! OH for goodness sakes. Okay, at this point I'm just done. So done with boys. I still have one I'm talking to ... flirting with. He's super great. A lot of fun. But doesn't live anywhere around here. Maybe that's what I need. A little light-heartedness with no dating or interaction. ROFL. I am just done caring or trying as far as that's concerned though.....

SO, that was the bad. But there has been good too!!!

First, the boys and I had a good weekend. Friday I had ball and they got to spend time with Nana both at my game and then at home. Saturday we had t-ball in the morning and then spent most of the afternoon just hanging out together. Lazy days are nice! Sunday we had a graduation party to go to, so YEA something to look forward to! On our way we stopped at the shoe store. Jonah needed another pair of shoes. YES, he outgrew them AGAIN. So we tried on shoes and found a pair that fit with just a thumb between the toes and the tip. A size 10 in mens. Yes, I typed that right, a 10!!!! Freakin' big foot!!! He stands almost as tall as me already. Ugh, he's growing up too fast. I can only imagine how big he'll be when he comes back next year .. .. ..

Anywho, the graduation party was a lot of fun. A lot of good friends and good food. Jonah ended up staying the night there Sunday ... and Monday. And last night his friend stayed the night with us and will again tonight. I love that he has a friend for slumber parties now, even if it's just a few weeks until he leaves.

Speaking of, these next few weeks are going to be CRAZY. This weekend we're supposed to go to Monterey for pics on the beach. Next weekend the boys are staying with friends while I go to Nascar up in Sonoma and then the next week we all leave. Whaaaa!!! Time has surely flown by.. .. .. =(

HOWEVER, everything is going well. The boys are both happy and doing well (Logan has had NO corners this week!). I am doing well and am happy. Things are just .... good. And what more can we ask for??!!

Perrrrfect Weekend!!

2009-06-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend was by far one of the bestest. It started great and just carried through the weekend.

Friday night was softball. We were short and I got to play first. I haven't played first in years!! So it was so much fun getting back over there. I caught a line drive, took a grounder, and caught all but one (in the dirt) throw. I was so pumped and had such a good time. I hit fairly well all night too, which was just the icing. Afterwards a whole group of us went to the pizza place and hung out. The kids were all running around playing games and having fun. It was so awesome.

Saturday started out great. Logan had t-ball at 9 and it was so nice and cool out. Grandma came out to watch his game, which Logan LOVED. He only has two games left and I can't believe the season has gone by so fast!!

After t-ball we went to my friends daughters first birthday. PJ was so flippin' cute. She got a ton of cute stuff and the boys had a great time. There was water to play in and a mini-pony for rides! Logan thought that was so cool.

I must say, I think *I* had the best time of all. My other friend just foster-adopted a baby, who is 11w old. She has had him for 5 weeks, and the final judgement making him permanently part of their family is August 17th. He is so adorable and loves his mommy sooo much. She let me hold him, change him, feed him ... and he fell asleep on me. My favorite baby thing ever!!! xoxo She actually thanked me for helping her and giving her a little break! HA! It was so my pleasure.

We stayed there until a little after 3. Honestly, I was putting off going home until the last possible moment. I figured the less time home between the party and the date the better. Less freak-out time.

So we got home and I cleaned up the house a little. It wasn't really dirty, but it gave me a good distraction. So about 4:30 I started getting ready. I did my hair/makeup first. I figured if I put off getting dressed until last I wouldn't make 100 changes. Surprisingly, I put on the first choice and didn't change!! LOL. The boys went off to Auntie P's.. .. .. and, right on time, J showed up. He came in while I got my stuff and I showed him around. Then we were off....

He was SUCH a gentleman. He opened the car door for me! What?? LOL. We had great conversation on the way to the restaurant, at the restaurant, and on the way back home. He came in for a bit and we talked some more. Spilling our guts, as he later said. = ) He had to leave and I walked him to the door and he gave me the sweetest hug.. .. ..

As soon as he left I, of course, started to run over everything in my head. Mostly wondering IF/WHEN I would hear from him again. I was still playing it all over in my head when he messaged me. Turns out we BOTH had a great time and want to see each other again. He messaged me again yesterday and hopefully sometime this week he'll confirm a second date. I am still nervous and won't count on it until it's settled, but I must say I'm awful excited. He's a very sweet guy, very cute, and I feel comfortable around him. So, I hope to hear from him again soon!!!!

Sunday was another awesome day, too. Jonah decided he wanted to hang out with P and the girls for the day, so he went off to Columbia State Park with them. Logan and I had a full day planned, too! We went to Manteca to visit Cyn at her daughters softball tournament. I realize every time I'm around her how much I miss her and appreciate her friendship. She's very refreshing. Honest, sincere, and heartfelt. So we had a great time chatting. (At least I did, lol). After softball we headed to Modesto to meet up with Erica and her girls. We let them play at the park for about an hour (which my back sooo appreciated ... awesome burn lines, lol). Then we went to BJ's and enjoyed dinner together. I must say, I was broken-hearted. She's moving and I'm not happy about it. LOL. She'll still only be an hour away, just the opposite direction. We'll still hang out (can't run from me Erica), but I was bummed. =( Anyways, we enjoyed our visit and the kids had a great time. Logan loves both her girls and her youngest and Lo were cracking up. And the kids were great ~ They saved me from myself and ate most of the Pazooki before I could devour all of it. haha, my butt definitely didn't need it!!

After that we meandered on home and I got the kids settled and went for my walk. I love walking, it's so refreshing and it's such a nice time with my friend Mary. We get to chit-chat and it becomes just as good for the soul as the body...

After walking I got the boys ready for bed, settled down, and enjoyed the quiet in the house.

I must say, things are brighter and brighter lately and the sorrows of the past seem so far away. It feels so good to be, plain and simple, HAPPY. xoxo

One sheep... two sheep... Not working, just blog...

2009-05-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

Insomnia is still lingering (obviously, it's 1:15 a.m.) and that's driving me a little whack. Especially when I have a lot going on this weekend. We have t-ball at 9:00 a.m., the b-day party at 11:00, I need to straighten the house, and I have a date at 6:00. Sunday we are going to watch softball and head back to play in the park with Erica. So I need my sleep. And it's just not happening!! LOL

It was quite a week. In some ways it flew by, in some ways I thought it would never be over. Short work weeks are always a pain. Too much to do and not enough time. Today was a GREAT Friday though.

I got a lot accomplished at work for one. And when the boss needed a report he was stressed on I was on it and was able to extinguish the fire. So I actually had to work on a Friday (there oughtta be a law) but it was good!!

My softball game tonight was AWESOME. I played first, which I haven't done in awhile. I got a few good plays, made some good catches, and just LOVED being back there. I forgot how much I enjoy first base. Took me back to my days of fast-pitch... oh the memories. And my batting was "on" tonight so I had good hits. Winning was just the cherry on the sundae!

Afterwards a group of us went out to pizza. The kids ran around and played games and the grown-ups got to hang out and chat. I love the people I play ball with so it was an added bonus to have extra hang-out time with them.

About my date, before I get asked. Because I know I will be! LOL. I am so jazzed. I *think* I mentioned him earlier, too tired to go look. He messaged me Thursday with some small talk, then solidified the plans for Saturday (oh hell, tonight!!). It was so direct and ... I loved it. Just a simple, "Can I take you out to dinner Saturday?". He's picking me up at 6:00 and we'll go to dinner and who knows.... It's so exciting to go on a *date*. It's been fun talking to him and getting to know him too. We have found we have a lot in common. Oh and you know me and signs ... really weird one HE noticed ... our phone #'s have the same last 4 digits. So random and bizarre, right?? Anyways, I am pretty confident we'll enjoy each others company ... so far I have at least enjoyed his. Can't speak for him. LOL. We will see.. .. ..

Okay, going to go lay down and try again for sleep. I can't look dog-butt tired tomorrow night (agh, tonight!!) and yawn all evening. How horrible would that be??!! .. .. ..

Holy Heat

2009-05-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

It was sooo hot tonight. It wouldn't have been bad if we'd been able to stay home and enjoy the AC. Nope, it was tball night. My shirt was soaked in sweat. Ew. And I so wanted to ditch (I know, so wrong of me), but there is only two weeks left AND it was our snack night. So we went and suffered through the heat. The poor kids were beat....

My friend, whose son plays with Logan, is getting her boobs done tomorrow. One one hand I'm jealous (mine have deflated SO much with the weight loss) and on the other I don't miss the backache. Her husband is super cool and we were talking about how he'd rather have a boat with the money ... I tended to agree. Haha. Plus, I figure the more he and I get along the less likely he is to give me a ticket (love the CHP). And the more likely he is to refer a friend. Hehe, scandalous I know.. .. ..

I am so happy tomorrow is Thursday. This week needs to be DONE. I am ready for the weekend and some R&R (yea right). OH CYN (b/c I know you faithfully read) ... Sunday we have no plans... Is C playing in Stockton on Sunday?? I want to come up and watch! And visit with you!! I miss seeing you!!

I am eagerly waiting for a call/text to confirm IF I have a date this weekend or not. I prefer to stay skeptical and be proved wrong (hopefully).

I did get a great compliment today. My "special friend" M (you know, the guy who disappeared on me ... yea, we're friends now) told me that I was very sexy and beautiful and a great catch. So I told him to find someone who wants all that and have them catch me!! ROFL. I know, I know, all in the right time....

OH and I need to brag!! Jonah is going to participate in a GATE summer school program before leaving this summer!! He was invited based on his testing scores!! I am so proud of him. I hope that when he moves they'll be able to challenge him there. I am sure they will, just worried. Having no control or input really irks me. Just have to hope Zach and Brandy will make sure it happens....

Okay, off to try and fall asleep again. NO idea where this insomnia is coming from but it sure needs to find its way GONE!!

Oh to know then what we know now.

2009-05-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

My temper tantrum of my younger years is catching up to me. So... Jo is leaving in just a few weeks and Dad and I are figuring out all the logistics. One of which is medical insurance for Jo. Well in order for Z to add him to their insurance he needs a copy of the birth certificate, showing he's his dad. Oh, you know, the birth certificate that says "Father: Not Named". Nice. I didn't have him put on the birth certificate because I was 18 and pizzed off at him. So now the fun begins to change that. I went through THREE different departments, still with no answers to speak of. I *think* we have to go to court and have a judge order the change to the B.C. What a pain in the rump. Guess it's one of those great decisions of days ago back to bite my arse. UGH.

On a good note, I have a date this weekend. A real cutie from a store I frequent. He asked me out, and I am super jazzed about an upcoming DATE. = )

Oh and then I remember that tomorrow is T-Ball and guess who's snack night?? Yep, off to the store after work. So snack packs tonight (and pie), t-ball tomorrow, softball Friday, Presley's birthday Saturday, park with Erica at some point, my date ... and another week and weekend flying by!!

Calgon, take me away!!

Loooong (but awesome) weekend!

2009-05-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

So my weekend started early on Thursday afternoon! Whoohoo!

Thursday night was the Fleetwood Mac concert. One word - AMAZING. It was a dream come true to see them live in concert. The show was so great. They played all the classics and some of their newer music. To see them together was priceless. Mary and I had such a great time, dancing and singing and having a ball!!

Friday we headed home and took the scenic route. We went by Casa de Fruta and I got some lovely fresh veggies and fruits. (oh the cherries! yum, going to bake a pie in a few!!). After getting home the boys and I just chilled around and hung out. Very low-key nice evening.

Saturday Logan and I went to a play date with Mary, her granddaughter Tatum (Logan's girlfriend), and Mary's niece and nephew. Our day was full with going to the park, swimming, and playing. That night we had a few friends over to watch the UFC fight... fun fun!! Jonah had an awesome day too! HE got to go with Uncle Richard and his cousins to the lake! They swam, roasted marshmallows, and fished. He was so excited and had such a good time.

Sunday both boys went to Uncle Richard's to spend the day with their cousins. I got to go to Sac to visit with two Jr. High friends, Kyla - who I went to Vegas with, and Rhea who I hadn't seen in YEARS!! It was a great lunch and visit. Rhea just moved back to San Jose so we'll get to spend more time together!! YEA!

Today the boys and grandma and I went to see Night at the Museum 2. It was a cute movie. It's always fun taking Logan to the movies. He's so animated and funny! They had a good time. Since then we've just been hanging out at home. We're headed to grandma's soon for dinner and visiting. Then, ugg, back to work tomorrow.

I swear, sometimes I need a weekend to recover from the weekend!! Okay, off to bake (attempt to) a pie!!!

One Last Thought (I hate insomnia.. .. .. )

2009-05-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

I will say this. Regardless if I'm crazy or not for forgiving F, I am a better person for being with him ... for being with all the people I have talked to/dated. Each person has helped me learn a little more about me. Helped raise my awareness of who I am, what I want, and what I will and won't put up with. I am so much more independent than a year ago. I would have been CRUSHED (hell, I was) a year ago. I wouldn't have known how to go ahead *alone*. I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I am confident and comfortable with myself. Do I *want* to be alone?? No. But I am not a lesser person because I am. If nothing else I am proud that I don't need anyone else to be happy. Like my ex... will never be alone. Can't be. Doesn't know how to be. So bounce from relationship to relationship, having to prove love and stake claim to make sure there won't be any alone time. I'll tell you, spending this past year alone most of that time and really having to reflect has helped me grow so much. Though there have been times I just wanted to ball up and cry, I am a stronger person today for it. And I think that will make me more desirable and give me a healthier, happier relationship down the road. I have no need to force any relationship or hold on so tight. Because with or without someone else I will be ... and am ... okay. I think THAT'S why I am okay with what happened. I will not be broken or derailed. It's a bump in the road, and I pull myself up and dust myself off. I feel fortunate for that!! It's another test I have faced and passed.. .. ..

Oh one last thing tonight!!

2009-05-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

TWO DAYS UNTIL MY CONCERT!!!

Fleetwood Mac here we come!!

Vote please.

2009-05-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I am asking all my friends here to chime in on this for me. Leave me a comment and let me know what YOU think.. .. ..

SO I finally talked to F. Turns out, in his words, he is an ass. He was with me and his ex. He *says* he was back with her because he hated seeing her hurt. Yet he still picked fights to see me because he loves me and wanted to be with me... Long story short, we had a great talk, we are NOT together, but we are still friends and will be there for each other as support.. .. ..

So here is the way I look at things and feel about the situation.. .. ..

He made a bad decision. Doesn't make him a bad man. He has a lot of growing and maturing to do. For the last five years she's enabled him to be nothing and do nothing. His dad and I agree it's because as long as he lived like that he wouldn't leave her and that was her fear. He is insecure and has no faith in himself. He doesn't believe he's "worth it" or will succeed. That stems from ... a lot. However, I got to know him, the real him. He has a heart of gold and so much good in him. He can be a great man and make and reach goals. He just has to believe in himself and want to be that man. I know I can't make him do that or see that, but I do feel like I can be his friend and encourage him, which he doesn't get anywhere else, from anyone else. How good of a person would I be if I just turned my back on him and gave up on him, like everyone else has? So I chose to make myself available as his friend and offer my support to him.

Sooo, *I* think that it shows how much I have changed in the last year. Before I would have wanted to castrate him and send him international (that's my UPS drivers solution). But I don't feel any animosity at all. I forgave him before he asked for it. I feel compassion for him. I want us to be friends and I want to support him.

My friends say I'm much too good for him to have as a friend and that I shouldn't give him a second thought in any capacity. They say I'm much too nice and that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. (though I don't see how... can't be more disappointed than I was....)

So, anyways, jury is out.. .. .. am I compassionate or stupid??!!

Happy Birthday!!

2009-05-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today marks two years since the triplets were born!!! It's still surreal to me that I carried three little babies into this world all at once. Carrying triplets was one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences. I will forever appreciate the love and support of my ex, my kids, and my friends through a trying yet amazing time. Though I don't hear from their family anymore I will forever hold them all close to my heart and be appreciative of the journey we had. Happy birthday D, P, and S!!

Lazy Weekend and More Confussion

2009-05-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend I did my best to do very little. Friday night was busy. I played ball then helped friends move. Saturday was more help with moving, after t-ball. Logan is now hitting the ball WITHOUT the T most of the time!! So exciting. It was so flippin' hot I felt like I would wilt though. UGH. Sunday was my wilt day. I laid on the couch 90% of the day!! I did get some laundry done and cleaned up a bit around the house, but for the most part I just vegged. I took a nap which was more than needed and I just allowed myself to sulk and rest all day.

Today is the start of a new week and it started with more dizzying questions and information. One of F's good friends called me asking "What the hell is going on??" Apparently F's ex called him yesterday screaming at him for ??being my friend??.. .. .. He said he had no idea any of this supposed stuff was going on and confirmed she was lying at least about part of it. No one has heard from F, so until then there's just more questions.

Even though I know she's a whack and lying about some of it I still don't feel okay with the situation. It's much more drama than I want or need. But it would be nice to hear him out.. .. .. If I hear from him.

Anyways, I am looking forward to this week. It's going to be ubber busy though. Tonight is t-ball, tomorrow cleaning, Wednesday a little gtg, Thursday is the Fleetwood Mac concert (whoooohooooo), and then back to the weekend. I am thinking about going to LA for the weekend, but still not sure. I'm so tired, we'll see how I feel at the end of the week. I might just want to hide out again. LOL. We'll see how the week goes.. .. ..

Better Today

2009-05-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

I think the initial shock of it all has worn off. I am still a little perplexed but not as angry or sad or whatever. I swept through the emotions pretty quickly I think so I wonder if they'll ebb back up on me again soon or not.

The only think I hope for is an apology or some sort of explanation. I think I deserve at least that. Whether I will get it or not ... who knows.

I do feel awful sad today for F and his family. Last night was the viewing, today is the funeral, and tomorrow they spread her ashes. I cannot imagine the pain and grief they are experiencing.

I am quite angry his ex - or current - or whatever - girlfriend would confront him with all this crap while he is there dealing with this. I think it definitely shows her selfishness and immaturity. Sure, if this is what's going on he needs to be held accountable, but there needs to be some tact about it all.

I really don't hate him and I'm not all that mad. If being with her is what he wants, that's fine. I just wish I had been afforded the truth and not been lied to. I still will allow him to talk to me and hear him out, if that's even what he wants. But I cannot trust him and will not have this kind of drama in my life.

It hit me last night the irony of it all. Exactly this time last year my partner was running off with someone else. Now it's happening again. Note to self, don't let this become an annual pattern.. .. ..

I think I'm just going to stop looking and caring for a bit. They say when you do that then it all falls in your lap. I can hope I guess. I really, really, just want to be a wife and mother and share my life with someone. But I guess it's all in His time and I just need to be patient and have faith. So that's what I think I'll do. Easier said than done, but much easier than hurting.. .. ..

Really??

2009-05-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

Last night was very interesting. I got a phone call that threw me a curve ball. It was F's ex ... no, not ex ... his girlfriend. Apparently they are back together and have been for the last three weeks. And she was just calling to confirm that he and I weren't together any more. Because, according to him, he hadn't seen or talked to me in weeks and I was "a big mistake" and he loved her and wants to be with her. So imagine her surprise when I tell her that he and I have never broke up and I just talked to him Tuesday night, saw him Monday night, and he spent Saturday evening with me for my birthday.. .. ..

Long story short, she and I had two long conversations last night to clear up many of the lies we were both told. She called him, he called me - completely denying everything she said and saying he loved me and we'd 'figure this out' when he got home, then she and I talked more.

The sad thing is, I think she'll keep him. I think she'll forgive him and stay with him. And that's so very sad for her. I remember being in her position a year ago, though, and thinking I would do the same. That I would take my ex back too. How weak and needy, to allow someone to treat you that way and still stay.. .. ..

What scares me, for me, is that I haven't cried. I don't feel this deep pain. I know I love(d) F. So why am I so numb to feeling? I am most pissed about being lied to. I gave him plenty of opportunity to tell me the truth. I asked him outright more than once if he was back with her, seeing any one else, or really wanted to be with me. The answers were always no and that he loved me. He wanted to marry me someday and have children ... yada, yada, yada poo. I am just irritated that I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I saw the best in him, and I treated him so good and got crapped on in return. I would hope that I would at least get an apology from him, but I am not sure he's capable of being man enough to give one. And, really, would I even believe it's sincerity?? Hmpf.

Oh well. Nothing can be done about it now. Yet another chapter closed.. .. ..

Cherish the ones you love. xoxo

2009-05-13T12:56:00.001-07:00

You never know when you're number will be up, when your time is done. I wish I was with my F right now. He is in Utah, though. With his family, grieving the death of his sister. She was right around my age, with two young children of her own and a niece she was raising. She was out on ... of all days, Mother's Day ... ATV'ing with her husband and oldest son. The ATV rolled on her and crushed her. She died en route to the hospital. It wasn't anything they hadn't done a million times before.. .. .. It wasn't like she was skydiving or bungee jumping for the first time. It was just a freak, horrible accident.

And, even more heart wrenching, he's the third person close to me to lose a sibling in the last year. So much young life, so much tragedy.. .. ..

So remember to cherish the ones you love, because you'll never know when it's the last moments you'll have with them. "I love you" are the three most important words you can share, so do it.

And I learned a big lesson, not just about grieving, but about communication from F the other night. He said he's already tired of hearing "I'm Sorry". He said, "Why do people say that so often, not even just in the loss of someone, but in so many situations in life?? Say what you really mean." So I sat for a minute, figuring out what I really meant. And I told him, "I know you are hurting and grieving. I know that your heart is heavy. I want you to know I am here if you need me and will step away when you need space, and I'll always love you." He looked at me and said, "Perfect" and kissed me and I knew that what my heart felt was just what he DID want to hear.. .. ..

So I have made a commitment to use the words "I'm sorry" very sparingly now. I think too often we DO use it as a scapegoat to not confront how we really feel and not express ourselves fully. So unless I specifically do something that deserves an apology I will not say I'm sorry. I will take the extra few seconds to formulate my true thoughts and feelings and convey that. I think we could all benefit from that honesty.

So, remember to love those near to you and never take life for granted. Sometimes it really is much too short.. .. ..

Not the same person.. .. ..

2009-05-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

One thing that I've really realized this past week is how much I am not the same person that I was this time last year. I think in a lot of ways it's good, but - as with anything in life - there's always a flip side of the coin.

For one, I am much more outspoken than I was a year ago. I stand up for myself and what I believe. I make my own decisions and stand firm in what I want for myself. It might not always be what's "right" for me (especially in the eyes of others) but it's what I want for that moment. And I can only learn from my own mistakes. I won't learn from being chastised or criticized. And I make no qualms in expressing my point of view. Unfortunately, that may hurt others. Which I do not do intentionally, but I won't hurt myself to spare someone else.

I spent entirely too much of my life trying to do everything "right" for everyone else in my life. To say the right things, do the right things, be the right things. I walked on glass too long and I have the scars to prove it.

I promised myself that I would never be that way again and I think that is causing hardship in some of my friendships. I don't think people know how to take me now. I am independent and secure and strong. I don't need others to lead me, I am my own leader. I value others opinions but I don't take them as the gospel and do what others think I should.

And I'm blatantly honest with people. I try and be tactful, however I think it's doing a disservice to not be honest with others. Even if it may hurt their feelings. Nothing is accomplished by sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending everything is okay.

Mostly, I am just my OWN person now. I march to my own drum and I stand up for myself. And not everyone will appreciate that, but I'm the only one that has to. I can't change that about me and I WOULDN'T. I don't ever want to be that weak, meager person I once was ... under the control of others and governed by the rest of the world and not myself.

I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings, but I do not apologize for being me and standing up for me. I am stronger and better than I have ever been and I just cannot apologize for that.

Logan's Good News!!

2009-05-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

First, Logan had a gooood week at daycare!! Four out of five days with NO CORNERS!!!! Whoohooo!!! (you have no idea how happy I am about that)!!

But he got even better news this weekend.

So, part of the spread on Saturday night was a fondue bar. With marshmallows, bananas, pretzels ... and strawberries. Well, Logan has never been able to have strawberries. When he was younger he got some wicked (ER visit) reactions. So for years he has longed for a strawberry without satisfaction.

He begggggged on Saturday to have one. So the doctor had said when he got closer to 5 to try... so we tried a small sliver. Waited 10 minutes and he was okay. Gave him a little bigger piece and waited 30 minutes ... and he was okay!! So gave him a whole strawberry ... and he was okay!! I only let him have 3 strawberries that night (still was a little nervous), but he had NO reaction. He was dancing around all the rest of the night and weekend saying "I'm not allergic anymore!!!"

Yea for a summer of Strawberry Shortcake!!! Yummmmmy!!!

Bestest Birthday EVER!!

2009-05-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend was so great. My best friend Nikki flew in for my birthday, which made it that much better. So, here's how it went, Cliff's Notes version.. .. ..

Friday
Woke up and got the kiddos off to school/daycare. Got breakfast to take out to the guys at work. Nikki got to see where I work and tour the poo-plant. = ) The guys had all pitched in and got me a carmel-apple cheesecake and a gift card to Jamba Juice!! Yummy!! We left there and went to have lunch with my friend Mary. It was an awesome lunch with my two bestest friends!! After lunch Nikki and I went shopping for the food for Saturday's party. Then we went and got pedicures. Ahhh, that was SO nice. So refreshing!! Friday night was softball... then...

We went out. I will just say I remember *some* of the night. I haven't drank so much (or been so sick) since my 21st. Glad it's the last time I will be drinking for a long time. But it was so awesome and so much fun. I had a great group with me - Nikki, Mary, Patience, Jeff, T.J. (my baby brother!!), and my friend Andrew. It was such a great time.

Saturday
I actually felt *okay*. Probably from purging all the night before. = ) We started straightening up then went to T-ball for Logan. He did well - as always - but we were ready to eat after! We went to my favorite place for Stromboli (yummy again) then headed home to cook, cook, cook. As always there was MORE than enough food. Saturday night we had a little over 20 people over. Mary's husband Ron bbq'd for me (yummy tri-tip) and Frank Sr. brought his signature potatoes and cheesy bread (oh my favorites). I did ONE jello shot and felt sick again, so no drinking for me. =) But we had such a great time. Kelly brought over her daughter Presley, who is almost one and getting so big (lub her). My friend Mandi, who I haven't seen in quite awhile, showed up with Kelly!! Erica came down with her girls from Mo-town!! All my favorite softball friends (minus Allison = ( ) came over. My mom, brother, Patience, and Jeff. F was there ... It was such a great time!!!

And I got some wonderful presents. F gave me a beautiful plant and a Van Morrison CD. Which is very special to the two of us and reminded me how much he does think of the small things. xoxo. Nikki gave me a beautiful frame with a picture of us and a nice wall hanging. And a pedicure. And food... she - as always - was too good for me. I got bath and body works stuff. An amazing, beautiful bracelet that Erica made for me and a picture. And a few gift cards and $$$. A beautiful sunflowers chime.

OH and the coolest present. Teehee. A gc for ... POLE DANCING CLASSES!!!! Hehehehe. I was talking to Mary about them one day and she, Tricia, and Sarah went in together and got me a gc. I am sooo excited. I will have to check it out soon to see when I can get in and do them. Soooo much fun!! Teehee

Sunday
We had a relaxing day on Sunday. We were kinda lazy in the morning, then headed up to San Fran around noon. We took the boys to the Exploratorium, which was a lot of fun. I think Logan was a little overwhelmed by all of it. He seemed to be just so amazed and in awe. After that we went to the wharf for dinner then it was time for Nikki to go to the airport. Which is always a sad point in the trip. = (

We had a good visit, though it was much too rushed. A lot for one little weekend. And I just want to sleep now. Early to bed this week for sure!!! But it was so worth it. It was the best birthday ever!!

It's MAY!

2009-05-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's been May for a week. But it's been a busy month so far, cut me some slack.

I am super-duper-overly excited about this weekend!!! My bff Nikki is flying in tomorrow night to spend the weekend with me. My BIRTHDAY weekend!! I will be 29, take 2 on Sunday! We have such a great weekend planned! Pedi's, softball, going out, big BBQ with my friends, SF.. .. .. Okay, I am getting old; just thinking about it makes me tired!! hehe

I am actually "okay" with the big birthday. I am not upset about the age. If I think too much about it, though, I get frustrated that this is NOT how I imagined my life at 30. SO not how I imagined it. But in order for it to be how I imagined it I would have to regress and be living as much less of a person than I am now. I wouldn't have the growth that I've had in the last year and I'd still be stagnant in my life. So I have to weigh that in and stay focused on all the good. And that definitely outweighs the rest.

I am NOT okay with birth control. Okay, yes, this is a weird sidebar. But I never realized how much I hated - and my body hates - bcp's. I was off of them - for the first time ... ever - for three months and I felt fantastic. Now, back on them for a WEEK and I feel homicidal. I am bitchy, crampy, irritable, bloated, bitchy, sore boobs, and bitchy (did I mention that one yet??!!). OH and NO sex drive. A few weeks ago I thought I was going to have to go to meetings. I mean, I thought it was just because of that 29, take 2 surge of hormones. BUT since on bcp the thought of s.e.x. makes me cringe. So now I am wondering if my lack of sex drive for, oh, the last NINE years was actually bcp's??!! (sorry, I know that was TMI, but this is MY blog). Anyways, hopefully I won't be on them long and I can go back to sane again. Yes, I know that's a relative word with me.

OH, Logan has had a GOOD week at daycare!! WootWoot. He had NO corners on Monday, five yesterday, NONE today. So we'll just pretend Tuesday didn't happen. = ) The daycare has moved, so I think he's adjusting. But overall he's doing so much better. And he LOVES T-ball. He is so flippin' cute out there!! I love going to his games. My lil' champ!

Jonah is doing well, definitely winding down now at the end of the year. He is getting excited and anxious for school to be over and to head off to his dads. It still hasn't completely hit any of us, I don't think. But I am sure it will soon. I feel good about letting him go, though. He's a big kid and it's time to let him explore himself and answer the questions he has. He's a good kid and I have faith he'll do just fine.

I am doing really well, besides the bitchiness. F and I are doing ... okay. Things have definitely slowed way down, which is a good thing. I am not sure what direction we'll go but I am okay with where we stand ... for now. I know, I'm not making much sense, sorry. I guess I'm just not sure where I want to go from here with him or anyone right this second. I *think* I know what I want, but I find myself somehow preventing that from happening. So maybe I'm not as ready as I think or maybe *someones* grand plan isn't the same as mine right now. But I am at peace to just sit back and see where I go.

At least work is going really well. No loss of job, so that's a positive thing. I do have a lot going on ... I could burst at the seams I am so flippin' excited about some of it!! To sum it up, though, I am at peace. I feel like I'm right where I am supposed to be. I am walking the path laid out for me and I have faith good things are waiting along this trail. I am fundamentally happier than I ... maybe have ever been. I have goals and direction and complete peace, which is something one can only hope to achieve. So, I'm going to enjoy it. And enjoy the ride for a bit.

That said, there is ONE lil' aspect that I'm finding a realllly hard time with having patience with. That is one virtue I cannot master. Seriously, can things go any slower (rofl, really, in this case that's so far from true). It's true though, the more you want the phone to ring or the email to pop up or something to happen the longer it seems to take. Again, making no sense ... sorry. = )

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is cleaning and a trip to SF to the airport!! Whoo-freakin'-hoo!!!

Holy Poop

2009-04-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's really been almost a month since I last posted?? No wonder Cyn called me out!! ((Hi Cyn!!))

Wow, I knew I'd been slacking, but not that much. I guess things have just been so hectic and busy that time slipped by. Hmph.

Well, things are going really well on my end of the world. The boys are doing good. Jonah had last week off for Spring break and is back into the swing of things this week. Logan has his good days and his bad days, which I've come to accept as normal for him. We're working on it and he is doing better.

Easter was good. I actually made Easter lunch and had my family over. We had ham, mashed potato's, green bean casserole, and banana pudding. It was a really good lunch and I was proud to have done it all by myself. After lunch the kids and I went with F out to his friends house. The boys were in heaven!! Other kids to play with!! LOL. We stayed for a few hours. Logan went swimming (yes, it was warm enough here, isn't that crazy??!!). Jonah played basketball with all the big boys (they are not men on the court, lol). And I got to meet all the other wives and significant others and start to meld into F's world. It was very nice.

The night before Easter we had an absolute blast. We went down to the Fresno Grizzlies (minor-league baseball) game!! It was so much fun!!! Logan's girlfriend Tatum (and her grandparents, my very close friends) went with us. Jonah's friend Kyle came along too. We all loaded into my car (which I LOVE by the way ... so nice to all ride together). The kids had an absolutely awesome time, dancing and cheering and laughing all night. It was such a treat!!

Other than those big highlights, things are just moving along nicely. There have been the normal ups and downs, but nothing worth getting worked up over. Which I guess is the biggest thing of all. In the last few weeks I have really realized how different I am now than I was this time last year.

How much stronger I am as a person. Little things don't bother me like they used to. I can shrug off things that used to rile me up. I take less for granted and appreciate the little things more. I am at peace and feel good about where I'm at. I am so much stronger than I was. I can handle so much more without the stress and worry. I am at a really really good place.

Maybe that's why I haven't blogged. ((NOT a good reason, I know)). I started this blog to help me through a very difficult time. To work through all the stress, anxiety, and fears. I am so much more at peace now. Maybe it's time for the blog to morph into a celebration of all the good instead of a ponderance of all that is. That was deep, huh?? LOL

Now that I expelled the last of the braincells of the morning ... Be back SOON!!!

Clarification!!

2009-03-30T18:11:00.001-07:00

So I reread my last post... After being asked about something in it...

After that we all meandered around, some took naps, and some did ... nevermind. =)

The "nevermind" thing had nothing to do with sex. Just for the record. I did do something spontaneous, fun, and totally awesome in Vegas ... but what happens in Vegas ... no, it came home with me. Hmph that won't work. Well, I will always remember this trip!!

MAJOR UPDATES

2009-03-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Oh I am so behind.. .. ..

I will work furthest back to current.

THE WEDDING
So the wedding was good. The day was long. The boys and I left out of the house around 10 a.m. I had to finish up the rest of the favors Friday night/Saturday morning so I got a later start than I wanted. We got up there in plenty of time, however we had to stop and get the groom and the kids. So fast-forward .... It's one-thirty and we arrive to set up the hall. Wedding is at three. AH! But I got all the tables set up and ready to go. The groom and I leave the hall to head to the wedding. We get there at 2:50 (the wedding is at 3:00, did I mention that??). So I send him to get dressed and check on the bride ... who is still getting make-up done and doesn't have the dress on yet. Okay, groom is safe. Long story short, we were running back and forth, pinning boutonnieres and checking on this-and-that, and finally started the wedding at 3:30. It was over by 3:45.. .. .. Off to the reception hall to set up all the food (it was brought in by family, big pot luck...). Okay, so the rest is pretty much standard wedding stuff. Except these few highlights.. .. ..
* The wedding topper - fell, crashed and burned, broke in pieces. OOPS.
*The toast ... um, eventually it was done...
*Karaoke - 'Nuff said
and the most awesomest part ....
*The wedding crasher. OH YEA, they had one. Some random dude totally crashed and helped himself to four plates of food. As he was being asked to leave he grabbed a handful of favors for the road!!! haha, it was great!!

It was a very long day ... got back at 10:30 at night. But the bride was BEAUTIFUL and happy and it was a good day!!

ST. PATTY'S DAY
So on St. Patty's Day I attempted corned beef cabbage. It went well ... it was good. But the following Sunday we had our traditional dinner with our family friend (second mom). It was fantastic. Super fantastic ... and her signature homemade-all-from-scratch apple pie for dessert. That was the only reason for this blurb ... the pie is blog-worthy!!

WORK
So boring, but such a big part of what's going on in my life right now. Being on the union has its good and bad ... and it's the same thing - Knowing it all and knowing it first. Things are gloomy. Fifty-five people are losing their jobs. Golden handshakes and voluntary severances are being pushed. Furlough days are a hopeful option. Though my position is safe it's still very disheartening to see people you know, employees of 10+ years in some cases, up to lose their jobs. It's heartbreaking. Everything will be final by June 30. Honestly, at this point, I just can't wait for it to be over and done .. .. ..

VEGAS BABY!!
This last weekend we went to Vegas for my friends 30th birthday!!! OMS it was an AMAZING trip! The two girls I met up with are my Jr. High bestest friends (J & K). I am horrible and didn't maintain good contact with them ... thank goodness they have forgiven me and invited me to join them for the birthday celebration. Friday afternoon we got into Vegas and I dropped the kids off with the ex (read next blurb for those details). I met up with everyone at the hotel and we were STARVING. So we headed over to Planet Hollywood for dinner ... yum!! Afterwards we decided to get the drink on and went to Kahunaville in our hotel (Treasure Island). Holy wow, what a good time. Free shots, bubbling and smoking drinks, screaming, and getting lei-d. Good times! Our dear birthday girl K needed bread. LOL. So we split up and she and J went to get bread (which later was described as HORRIBLE). I went to find the guys who were playing Roulette and proceeded to lose all of M's money (sorry sweets). We finally all caught up again and headed out on the strip to walk. We didn't make it far ... landed at Margaritaville!! We got the signature LONG cups of frozen margaritas. Here's a quick recap of the rest of the night ... J and I were dancing most of the time, trying to avoid being vomited on by college boy who was bouncing like the Teen Spirit video. M almost fell asleep in the nachos and later puked on D. We made C the pimp-daddy of Vegas with a few college boys (Don't mess it up man!!). And we all collapsed out at ... um 3??4?? Uh, I don't remember!! Saturday we went to the Rio for brunch. Yummilicious!! After that we all meandered around, some took naps, and some did ... nevermind. =) That evening we all went to Mystere at the TI. It was an AMAZING show!!!! The strength and acrobatics was awe-striking and the comedy had everyone busting up. Afterwards we went to eat and then ... to eat again!! We ended up at the Venetian for dessert. Oh yummmmmy creme brule! and chocolate cake! and bananas foster! and banana cream pie! Oh yes, we ate like rock stars!!! We all retired for the night after that. Mostly because we were leaving the next day ... partially I think because we were all too full to do anything else!!! Sunday morning it was time to go ... BUT not before BIRTHDAY CAKE!! J bought K the MOST AMAZING birthday cake. It was from Jean-Philippe ... and shaped just like a coach purse!! It was a beautiful pink and had all the detailing, down to the tag and stitching! There were flowers next to it that were gorgeous. All edible!! The cake ... OMS the cake ... a decadent chocolate that melted in your mouth. The filling was hazelnut praline crunch. Words cannot describe how FANTASTIC it was. When I get pics I will upload them ... a must see!! The only bad part of the whole weekend was that it had to end. It was so amazing to see my friends again and meet their significant others. I miss them already. But we have a date for July! Get ready K!! Your turn to lay on the table!!! hehe. And, yes, that's the abridged version of the trip. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (or ends up on the Internet, according to the shuttle driver. At least here I can edit what it says!! As long as it's not on myspace or yourspace, right??!!

THE BOYS VISIT IN VEGAS
Overall they said they had a good visit with the ex. That's all I am allowed to say on the subject.

AND LOVE
Is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and love does heal.

So excited!!

2009-03-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today was a goooood day. I was busy as a bee at work but that's okay. Good for job security (in this very uncertain time).

BUT THE GOOD STUFF!!

First, I found out my VERY deserving, WONDERFUL mommy-to-be friend is expecting TWINS!!! Her surrogate is 7w today and they saw the most beautiful little bugs in the belly!!! They are ADORABLE. In three more weeks they'll see them again!! And as soon as they can find out gender I am shopping!! hehe. I am so very excited for her and her husband. They are truly two of the sweetest people I have ever met and will be AMAZING parents!!!

Second, my boys are so lucky. Period. They are going to go visit MY grandparents this summer for a MONTH!! Jonah, of course, will be staying with his dad at the end of the summer, but Logan will be taking a ROAD TRIP with granny and pop to come home!! They will show him all kinds of cool things across country on their way home!

So I am scared and nervous, not having my boys for a month, but I am so happy for them. I was thinking, how many people even have their grandparents?? My boys are spending a month building memories with their GREAT grandparents. How amazing and awesome is THAT??!! I hope Logan does okay being gone that long ... he is a momma's boy, so.... but I think with his brother there he'll be okay. Hopefully. If not they may be shipping him home early!! haha. No matter what, it will be an adventure for both of them!

Stressed

2009-03-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on I have to remember to breath. As a matter of fact, a coworker has been very good about making me stop and take deep breaths. Just so much going on.

The wedding is THIS weekend and I still have so much to do. It's my fault. I was going to hammer out a bunch this weekend, but we had T-Ball, then the bachelorette party, and - though I didn't drink - I had to recuperate on Sunday. I don't remember the last time I was out until 3:30 a.m.

So I still have a lot to do for the wedding and now only three days to do it. It WILL get done, but I am feeling the rush setting in. And I want it all to be beautiful and perfect. Saturday the boys and I will leave EARLY to get up to Marysville for the wedding and to set up the reception hall. The wedding is at three so ... oh heck, if I think too much about it I will start to stress again.

Yesterday Jonah came up to me as we were leaving the house to give me a paper ... that said I had parent-teacher conference THAT afternoon!! UGH. Apparently Jo has been lying and NOT finishing all his work and turning it in on time. I was so frustrated. His grades are still OKAY. He is testing below his reading level. Not because he can't read, but because he doesn't want to. However in math he's testing at a 12.9 level. Yes, a graduated senior level in the sixth grade. So we had a good talk last night and then F had a good talk with him. F can relate to him so well and it makes Jo feel a lot better. I was impressed with their interaction and the great response Jo had with F. I was also relieved. I don't "get" Jo's lack of concentration and his disregard for his work. So having someone to relate to and have encourage him is a great thing. And F loves it. He enjoys being a friend to Jo and seeing that he makes a difference. I think he is more upset about Jonah moving than I am. They are just becoming really good friends and then he's moving. I have at least had a while to process it.. .. ..

Logan is actually having a better time at daycare. He's down to 1 - 3 time-outs which isn't good but is better. He is at least trying. My problem now is bedtime. He lays down fine, but I find him 30 minutes later up and playing with toys. I am considering either moving the toys out of the room or taking away the nightlight. He never used it before ... He is smart way beyond his years, as everyone notices, not just me. He is doing well overall with the F situation. He either wants all my attention or all F's attention, but not for us to pay attention to each other. He really loves him, just not sharing me with him. He is adjusting well, though, and it seems the more F is around the better Lo is doing (at home and daycare).

As for me, I wonder if I'll ever be normal again. I am sick again. MRSA flare up again. I was exposed to Strep but instead of getting that it went straight to a MRSA infection. So back on antibiotics for that. Other physical things are going on, which is just too personal to share in my blog. But it's been a rough week. I try and stay optimistic that next week, next month will be better, but ... it gets hard sometimes. Overall, in the grand scheme of things, it could always be worse. I have two great kids, a good job, and someone who loves me insanely. I really shouldn't complain.. .. ..

And, hey, last night I attempted Corned Beef and Cabbage for the first time ever. It was yummilicious!! F even messaged me this morning to tell me how "excellent" it was again. The boys scarfed it down too. Tonight is ribs and noodles, but tomorrow and Friday are yummy leftovers (gives me more time for centerpieces, lol).

Hopefully after this week is over things will be better. Just gotta make it through this one.

And then the real world.

2009-03-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

So the wedding planning is going very well. I started on the centerpieces yesterday and I must say, they are so pretty. I am having a ball with it! I don't think it will take too long to finish them up. It's fairly easy, but looks really nice. Tonight the bride-to-be will come over to give her seal of approval. Since I have a dozen finshed she better like them!! It's actually a lot of fun. If I could make a living of bridal/party planning and execution I soooo would. It's fun to be creative and help make someones special day what they dream it to be.. .. ..

Logan did better for all of a day. Monday he had no corners, yesterday he had four, we'll see what today holds. I just don't get the swings in his moods and why he cannot process and retain the simple fact that he NEEDS to quit being such a butt. Ugh, it's definitely a work in progress and hopefully it'll start WORKING soon.

Jonah is doing really well. I think he's split on moving again. This time because of F. He really likes him too and I think enjoys the male-bonding time. F does homework with Jo, plays guitar hero, and talks music with him. He makes Jo feel good and I wonder if that's not what is now making Jo second guess moving. Hell, F has taken a liking to him and even asked yesterday "how wrong would it be to try and convince him to stay?".

My life is going through the normal bump-and-grind as far as all that goes. But my friend isn't going through the normal stuff. At all. And I am worried about her but there isn't anything I can do. If she doesn't want to help herself I cannot force her. I can't make her do anything or work anything out. But it breaks my heart. I also feel bad because I know I add to her stress and that bothers me. I need to just step back and let her go through this. Though I wish she'd be more protactive to work through things. UGH, it's such a crappy situation. I honestly wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better.

But, it's life. The real world.

So when do I wake up?

2009-03-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

I imagine I must be dreaming. I am waiting for that funky falling feeling, where you're about to hit the ground and suddenly startle awake. I seriously cannot be living in the real world. It's just not this good there right? There aren't butterflies in the tummy, hearts in the eyes, and smiles all over your face in the REAL world, right?

Well, if not, don't wake me. I like this place. I love that when he walks through the door my heart swells and a smile blooms across my face and soul. I love his sweet kisses and how he holds me close. I love feeling safe in his arms.

I love knowing he loves me too. He said so. Yesterday. For the first time. And even went so far as to tell me he was in love with me ... while staring into my eyes, into my soul.

I enjoy humoring the idea of a wedding. Of a baby. Of a life together. I enjoy the optomism of what tomorrow might hold. What a future - OUR future - could be like. Picking out "our songs" ... talking about the boys and goals with them ... talking about 30 years from now ...

Don't wake me if I'm dreaming ... I am enjoying this one much too much ...

Sunny Days

2009-03-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Literally the weather is much better finally. The sun is out and that always makes for better days. I don't mind the rain in spurts, but I am awful glad the sun is shining again.

Figuratively, the sun is shining much brighter lately. I guess love does that to life, huh??

Friday night F came over to spend some time.. .. .. And then Saturday ... and again yesterday. We have been spending a lot more time together, though we both agree we still want more. It's crazy, I guess, how much we want to be together. How much adoration we share and how happy we are together. But everything just seems sweeter when he's around. The boys ask for him all the time now. He is so good with them and to them.

Jonah and F are working on their "career" on Guitar Hero. Jonah loves the attention and friendship they are building. Logan has been a little apprehensive ... not of F, but of sharing me with him! But yesterday we had a breakthrough - he told F "This is MY mommy, but she's your Jennifer". We both just laughed, but we knew that was a pretty significant moment. The more time we spend together, the more time we want. We have started discussing the big things of life ... marriage, kids, etc, to make sure we're on the same page with things. We discuss goals and dreams and hopes. And the possibility of sharing those things together.

I am still apprehensive myself. I am scared of getting hurt. So scared. I haven't felt so strong or cared so much in a very long time and I'm terrified of being crushed again. I have told him this ... I have told him he has the ability to do that. He very reassuringly told me that it would kill him to hurt me and he'll protect my heart. I know he genuinely cares and will care for me. I am just scared .. .. ..

OH yesterday was so much fun! I got BABY time!!! My friend had her little girl on Friday and she is beautiful!! SO much hair!! I loved cuddling and snuggling her. Dang baby fever though. It was nice, too, to visit with friends and have some quiet time. And cuddle the sweet little one. Well, relatively little. If you consider a 9 lb newborn little!! What a beauty, though!!

Let's See.. .. .. The boys are doing well. Jonah came down with a wicked double-ear-infection, but the antibiotics are clearing him up. he's still in good spirits (always). Logan had a good weekend with very little trouble to speak of. I am praying for a good day today at daycare. It sucks, having butterflies when I go to pick him up, wondering how bad of a day we had. UGH. I am hoping he outgrows this soon.

This week will be the last quiet one for a few weeks, so I hope to enjoy it. This coming weekend I have a bachelorette party, the next weekend a wedding, the next weekend Vegas ... I am tired just thinking of all of it. AND I need to get all the wedding stuff finished. Only TWO WEEKS. What was I thinking??!! LOL.

I am so glad we are on the tips of Spring. I love this time of year. When everything is fresh and new and hope and possibilities are bountiful!

So...

2009-03-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

What do I do now?? Logan is just a demon. No, not really. He's a sweet child but much too ... smart? sassy? streetwise? smartass? for his own good. Yesterday he, yet again, decided time outs and lying was a good idea. So, the punishment was already laid out and had to be followed (goodness forbid another 'haha, mommy won't do it' episode). So when we got home he got his spanking first. Then time for hot sauce. I put a dab on his tongue. A dab that would make my mouth hot for a few, a dab that would make most kids cry and swear to never do it again. Logan? Not so much. He made a funny face and said "it tickles" - yes! there's the burn and the lesson - but no, then he says ... "Can I go play now?" WHAT?? Phased him for all of a second. He *says* he doesn't want it again but he sure didn't seemed phased. And he made sure I knew that my spankings don't hurt.

Of course F (bf, we'll use his first inital now...) came over and was giggling at me. He was VERY good to not laugh in front of Logan. Even with not having children of his own he knows that would be very bad. Not only for what it would show Logan but for the fact he would be in physical harm from ME for laughing. He did talk to Logan and asked him to please be good for mommy. And that he's bringing a bottle of super-duper hot sauce for mommy to keep in the fridge. We'll see if that helps. Ha. He also hung out with Jo for a few and looked at homework with him. He did manage to spend a FEW minutes with me. Haha. It's okay ... I love seeing him with the boys. He is so good with them and it warms my heart. We did talk and establish that our intentions are to make this work for a very long term. Though it's hardly work at this point. But the boys are a priority for us and we do not want them hurt at all. And I think as long as we continue to communicate so well and respect and adore each other so much this could definitely work out for a long time to come.. .. .. He DID message me a 'warning' ... it said "Please be aware that my affections for you are growing leaps and bounds". Glad I'm not the only one feeling that way.. .. ..

Ahhh. I am so ready for this week to be over!!! Tomorrow is Logan's first t-ball practice. I am so very excited. Then we'll get to spend some time with F this weekend. And I have to start all the wedding stuff (Sarah and Erica, you might get a call!!). OH and Sunday I hope to shoot up to visit a friend and her NEW baby that will be born TOMORROW!!!! Yea for babies!!!

OH and tonight more walking!! My friend Mary and I have been very good little walkers, going all week. We do between 2 - 5 miles a night!! Walking seriously makes me feel better physically and mentally. I am going to start the Wii Fit again, but I am going to get up and do it in the mornings so as to not take more time from the kids. But it makes me feel so good I want to do it again! (now that the doctor says I can!)

And my tummy is hungry... the roast and potatoes are in the crock-pot, though, so easy night for me!!!

Oh heck, watch out, I'm officially BACK ... I'm rambling again!!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha

And the beat goes on.

2009-03-04T10:38:00.000-08:00

So things just keep getting better with the bf and me. I start to worry or doubt or get scared, just my nature now (after getting hurt so badly) but then he'll say something so sweet and it comes so naturally that I know he's sincere and I calm back down. Last night he called and was telling me about something and said "our songs". It made my heart skip a beat. And, at the end of the conversation he very sweetly, very meaningfully, told me he missed me. And I knew he meant it and it felt good. To know he thinks of me and misses me too. Anywho.. .. ..

I was quite frustrated last night though. The ex called (Hi to you) and gave me the 20 questions about him. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to share that yet. But through emotional jabs and manipulation I gave in. And I'm damn pissed about it. I did NOT want to have that discussion. I didn't want to hear the smug "well I hope you're happy" b.s. I just want my life to be MY life. Seriously, was enough not stolen from me already? Let me just be happy at rebuilding it and finding a meaningful, wonderful relationship. I have not been so spoiled, adored, and cared about in as long as I can remember. I just want to enjoy it. So shut-up and let me. Don't rain on my parade. And, yes, I am venting but I also know this will be read and I'm much better at writing my feelings than saying them. So I hope the point has been made clear.

On to updates on the other stuff. My health, first of all, is hopefully finally on the mend. We found out why I've been so sick .... MRSA. It's a hospital born staph infection. The baby, her parents, and I all have it. So my immune system has been shot since I got out of the hospital. I am on round two of antibiotics now and should be feeling much better in the next few weeks. Thank goodness!! My weight still fluctuates almost 10 pounds a week!!! Still no idea why. It's between 129 and 139. I just wish it would level off already. But besides that I'm feeling fantastic now!!

Jonah and I had a good talk the other night. About the ex, about the bf, and about him moving to his dads. It just amazes me how much he is growing up. He is still a goofy kid under it all, but sometimes he amazes me with his comprehension and insight. (He loves the bf, btw. He said if it was his choice he would be over every night. ) He is sure he wants to live with dad, but we were still talking about pro's and con's. He is really thinking it through and I am proud of him. Poor guy has caught my cold though and is a little under the weather now. I hope we caught it early enough. I am trying to keep him well-drugged.

Logan got his first taste of soap yesterday. No lecturing, please. It was a tiny little drip, but enough for him to know it's gross. He was insistent on lying to both Miss Cathy and me and that's a huge no-no. You get in much more trouble in my home for lying than the actual infraction of the rules. He also got a spanking since he had three time-outs. I have taken away video games. I don't know what else to do. Little stinker. I will just keep praying for patience and I'm sure we'll figure it all out soon.

And the wedding is right around the corner. I have to work on the centerpieces this coming weekend. All the vases will be in so I can start assembly. I hope they turn out nice. I never thought I would be the nice wedding type, but in helping plan I can't help to start to dream.. .. ..

Who knows what the future will hold?? .. .. ..

twitterpatted.. .. ..

2009-03-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

I have a wonderful boyfriend. Just sayin'.. .. ..

Three examples:

One, he made me a CD of amazing love songs. Van Morrison, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Joe Cocker, and even threw in Jason Mraz.

Two, he messages me in the morning to say "good morning beautiful!"

And three, he just now he sent me a message. This weekend I gave him a card that said "When I see you my eyes turn to little hearts" or something like that. I told him the other card I almost got said "You make me smile all over my face".. .. .. So he just messaged me that!!! Ahhh, it feels soooo good to be so adored!!! hehehe

A week and a wild ride.. ... ..

2009-03-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

So what a week!! It's been crazy to say the least. I had a lot going on.. .. ..

First, Logan is still being difficult. Little poop is still getting a lot of corners, mostly for being a smart ass. He is pushing the envelope a lot. He thinks he's so dang cute too. I had to spank him twice. I hate spanking. But Thursday he got in a lot of trouble at daycare and I told him that when we got home I would spank him. Well, we got home and talked it through and I made him sit on time out, no t.v., but no spanking. SOOOO Mr. Big Stuff thought he was big stuff the next day. He was sent to the corner again and was singing under his breath. Miss Cathy asked him what he was saying and he said - get this - "It's okay, mommy won't spank me anyways". WHAT??!! WHAT??!! I TRY and be nice and he mocks me?? So, needless to say he got a spanking when we got home. And another Saturday night for not listening. He is just much much much too smart and grown up for his age. I have a strong feeling the principal and I are going to be close. Can anyone say speed-dial??.. .. .. UGH OH but his first T-Ball practice is Friday!! YEA!!!!

Jonah is doing well though. He decided, with conviction, that he IS moving to his dad's. In all honesty I think it will be good for him. I think he needs to build that relationship and have that time. Sure it hurts and I will miss him like heck, but I love and support my son. He is growing up too fast, too. We had to buy new shoes AGAIN yesterday. Mens size 9!! He's 11 (okay, almost 12). Who gave him permission to grow up so dang fast??!! =(

My BFF seems to be doing better, which makes me happy. I try not to ask her much about how she's doing. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I don't want her to think I forgot or I don't care, but I don't want to keep bringing it up either. I just always try to remind her I'm here to talk to. I still wish there was more I could do. I can't wait for her to be here in May. We definitely need some BFF time!!!

Work went well this last week. It was so busy. End of month is always a whirlwind. And we had a few union meetings. This economy... ugh. But I have faith it will all work out and we'll be okay. I have to believe that.. .. ..

On the boys side of thing. Well, the one guy never emailed me back or anything. BUT I guess things always do happen for a reason. Mr. Saturday Night and I have really really hit it off. We absolutely enjoy each others company. What makes me the happiest is finding peace and happiness in the quiet moments. We'll sit there with music on, me laying wrapped up in him on the couch, and just completely silent. Just BEING. It's special and sweet and fantastic. He is wonderful with the boys. They absolutely adore him. I swore a long time ago that I wouldn't introduce anyone to the boys until I knew they would stick around for awhile. And I am still so hesitant, but they met him at the party and were asking for him. They like him as much as I do I think!! He plays video games with them, goofs around, and just treats them good. Logan will ask for a drink and he tells me to stay where I am, he'll get it for him. It's so nice to have that little break AND see someone adore my kids as much as they adore me. He made me a CD that melts my heart. Ahhh, yes, I am smitten. I am scared to death. I don't want to get hurt. But I can't back off, I can't walk away. I am just way to happy when I'm with him. I just have to have faith and hope that it lasts, that we continue to share time and heart with each other.. .. ..

Anywho, enough rambling. OH I do have one other BIG thing going on. My friend is getting married in three weeks!! And she didn't have centerpieces yet or her favors done or, well, anything!! So the next few weeks I am making favors and centerpieces for the wedding. What was I thinking, volunteering??!! LOL. Guess that's what we do for friends.. .. ..

Another Day, Another Dollar

2009-02-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

At least for today.. .. ..

I could actually feel the stress today at work. It's going to be a long week. Actually, I think from here until the end of the year is going to be long. We are having our - seems like - annual "coaching" this week. Today was interviews with the Risk Management guy, G, and Friday we have our big pow-wow and meeting of the minds. Overall everyone at work gets along, except for a few distinct lines in the sand. Of course those are an issue of great discord and therefore the need for coaching. Ugh, seriously, aren't we all adults.. .. ..

Today was also a union meeting. I am on the board of the union as the secretary, which is probably a good thing. I have to concentrate on taking minutes so I can't speak up as much. And y'all know opinionated me.. .. .. Some people just burn my behind though. Today, and for some time to come, we are having to focus on jobs and cuts and what to do. It is inevitable the city manager is going to ask us to cut back. Actually, all departments have been required to cut 12% off next years budget, equalling over $7.5 million. For a lot of departments their only budget is staff.. .. .. Which will force us to look at layoffs and/or furlough days. However some people just want to focus on what everyone ELSE should do instead of what THEY can do to help. For crimeny sakes, how hard is it to realize we ALL have to work together so we can ALL at least KEEP our jobs. Some people!! Anywho, since I am on the board I will have a lot of meetings coming up to discuss our stance and protect our workers. And we are renegotiating our contract this year. Good times. All we are really hoping for at this point is job retention. Scary to even have to think about that.. .. ..

On the boy front.. .. .. I emailed 'said guy' from the last post (or one before or, well, down there somewhere). I decided I at least deserved some sort of explanation, so I sent an email. If he doesn't respond I'll just Carrie Underwood him. Just kidding, if you got what I was saying. Nah, seriously, just an explanation is all I am asking. I hate feeling left in the dark. I also met someone else on Saturday, but have no expectations there. We'll see. *rolling eyes*

And I went back to the doctor today. Sinus infection. FUN. So I started the Z-Pack today and should be better by Wednesday. However I heard from J tonight and she was headed to the ER with Baby K. Apparently she isn't doing so hot. Sick, fussy, not eating. So they are getting her checked out. They need to find out why some of her platelets are low, so I am going to see if the same tests were run on me and get my results. If not, I will probably have them run just to compare for Baby K. I hate that she's been so sick and will super hate it if it has anything to do with me. Though I can't see how, I will still feel terrible if somehow it's related at all.. .. ..

Good news is I did get to exercise tonight. Well, I got to walk. I did a quick mile and then came back in. For having rained most of the day it's remained relatively warm. And 10 more days (at least) forcasted for rain. I am soooo over it. Spring and Summer cannot get here soon enough. (and, with Spring comes SOFTBALL!!!!)

So tomorrow is a new day. Though Saturday cannot come soon enough. Another meeting tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday, and all day training on Friday.. .. .. Calgon take me away!!

Good Times

2009-02-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

We had such a great evening. In spite of having NO voice and coughing like crazy we decided to still venture out to our softball team bbq. The chef rocks and is always the host with the most. There was great food ... hamburgers, hot dogs, Frank's famous potatoes, potato salad, pasta salad, beans, mini-wienies ... I could just keep going on!! LOL.

There was lots of great music and the pool table was in full swing. We all had such a great time. LOTS of laughing and fun. Jonah even had an excellent time, not only playing with the kids but making friends with one of the "big kids" and learning more about how to play pool. One of the great things about this group is the friendship of everyone and how we all take care of each others kids and look out for one another. Seriously feels like one big family.. .. ..

So we got home a little late, but had the best time. The boys slept in this morning, not so much from being out late, but from playing so hard!! It was a great great time and a much needed break! Whoohoo for good friends and good company!!

Oh but one realllly great thing!!

2009-02-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Logan got his first pair of cleats and a baseball bat!! I cried. I am such a nerd, I know! But he's so cute in his little cleats, holding his little bat. I'll have to take a picture to share. I can't ... I mean HE can't ... wait for t-ball to start!!! =)

My Chinese New Year

2009-02-20T19:21:00.001-08:00

Seems to be accurate so far. This is not going to be my year.. .. ..

First, there IS good news this week. My very close friend is going to be a mom. Her babies were created this week and her surrogate will become pregnant with them on Sunday. I am so happy for her, as this has been a long journey for them and they so deserve all the blessings this world has to offer. And, second, I heard from the couple I worked with in my last surrogate journey. Today my surroprincess is three months old!! And, health permitting, I will get to see her this coming Thursday! YEA! Something to look forward to!!

So that's the good, here's the rest.. .. ..

.. .. .. the mono panel came back positive-ish. I have ebstein-barr virus, which apparently most of the population has. It's not active, though, so I had mono at some point in my past, but no telling when. I will probably never have another flare up, according to the doctor, but I'll always be a carrier. Hmmm. My iron levels are still low, so back on prenatals to try and help that situation out. My periods are off and whacky and not happening, so back off the birth control and just letting my body regulate. And praying in doing so I don't get cysts again. And just when I was starting to feel better my allergies kick in. So I feel relatively well, but from all the coughing I have NO voice. UGH. My doctor is also concerned about my weight and wants me to eat more protiens and breakfast. Breakfast... what's that??!! So he gave me a diet plan to follow. I swear, I am coming up on 30 and breaking down along the way!!

The dating situation.. .. .. I just throw my hands up. Seriously. I *thought* things were going well and then don't hear from him for a week. Not a text, call, pm, nothing. Whatever. I am not even going to try and understand. I think that single-for-life sounds more and more enticing every day. I am definitely done looking or caring for awhile. Too exhausting. That said, I really like said guy. So if he came back with a good explaination, I'd probably work through it. Hmpf.

Still nothing on the house front. And it's just so frustrating I can't think about it or I'll cry.. .. ..

And more than anything else this week I wanted to be in Ohio. For my best friend. For a loss she had to endure that no one should. And it crushed my heart because I couldn't be there for her. Logistically I just couldn't. Had I been able to work something out with the boys I would have been on the next plane. I even looked at tickets. SO, one, I feel like a horrible friend because I wasn't there. And, two, I feel horrible because my friend is hurting so bad and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Not a damn thing and that kills me. She has done so much for me and been there for me through the toughest of times. And I can't do anything for her now. I am not there (though I SHOULD be) and I can't find the right words to say or things to do. I feel so helpless and I just want to comfort her and reassure her that things will get better. I hate it for her. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

My doctor asked me if I was depressed or stressed and I said I didn't think so. But, obviously that's why I was ignoring my blog. Because now, writing it out, I am crying. I just want to crawl under my blankets and hide and sleep for a week ... or two ... maybe three. I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am spent. I am not even wishing for everything to be all better anymore ... just an end in sight would be nice.. .. ..

Called out.

2009-02-15T18:58:00.000-08:00

Erica called me out. That I haven't been blogging. And I know why I haven't. I can't hide from myself if I blog. Writing it out makes me really think about it and focus on it. And avoidance is much easier.

Things really aren't bad. Just so many unknowns right now that are driving me a little batty.

First, this stupid house. I mean, I do love my house. I want to keep it. But trying to get anyone to help you refinance is like pulling teeth. Especially if you're not in default. And I am having a hard time not paying the mortgage. I can't do it with a clear conscious. SO I will work on it more this week. It's just so frustrating and not knowing what will happen compounds that.

Second, my health. I have just been so tired. Preliminary blood work shoes possible mono. MONO?? Ugh. BUT here's the kicker. The less I do the worse I feel. The more I do the better I feel. Not supposed to be like that with mono. OH and I can't stop losing weight and we don't know why. Seriously, I am tired of losing weight. I know that sounds stupid to some, but it's to the point of worrying me. 10 pounds in 7 days ... not good. I have plateaued again, so hopefully this is it.

Third, my heart. Farfigpoopin. So I am seeing someone. For not too long now. But I like him. Really like him. But ... I don't know. I doubt EVERYTHING. I wonder what this means or doesn't mean. I deconstruct everything thats said. If he does contact me, if he doesn't. What he says. What he does. What that means or doesn't mean. I constantly want to run and protect myself. But then I see him or talk to him and don't want to go anywhere. It's just so frustrating. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to do. I just don't even want to think about it. I'm just .. .. .. scared.

Besides that, everything is just on spin cycle. Sometimes I am not sure what is up and what is down. I don't even know what to say. ME!! Not knowing what to say. I think that says it all. I just want peace and clarity and it's being awful elusive.. .. ..

Happy.. .. .. Really HAPPY

2009-02-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

There have been many times in the last few months that I thought I would never get to this point. That I would never feel genuine, in and out, happiness. But here I am, a smile on my face, a smile in my heart, feeling HAPPY.

Things aren't going perfect. I have had some situations I had to deal with. But I have learned the skills I needed to handle them. I was honest and upfront. I didn't compromise myself to make anyone else happy. I held true to myself and was sensitive to others while being loyal to my needs. And it felt GOOD and it was EFFECTIVE. And I knew, then, that I had grown so much. That I have learned the lessons I needed and I am the person I have so long strived to be. I knew that I was going to make it and be stronger and better than ever.

Since then things have just been falling in place. I am maintaining boundaries with some, building wonderful relationships with others, and loving myself and my boys more than ever. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I am not stressing about what will happen next and where I am going. I have faith that things will work out how they should. I am confident in myself and the strength I have.

I talked to the ex the other day on the phone.... and it went WELL. We didn't fight at all, we talked business and then were even able to talk about general stuff. We laughed and we joked a little and it felt GOOD. I no longer harbored anger or hurt ... I was fine. And that was fantastic.

For the first time in a very long time I am happy. I don't delusion myself to think it'll always be this good, but if it is even 80% of the time I'm good. And, more than anything, I have the confidence to know I can handle anything that life throws my way.

I am happy. Really, really happy!

Good times.. .. ..

2009-02-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

Ah, this weekend was a good weekend. Actually, Friday was good and it's just carried over .. .. ..

Work was great Friday. It was payday Friday, which has it's own traditions at work. I always pick up cinnamon rolls from an awesome local bakery and we typically bbq. Friday held true to form with scrumptious burgers for lunch. The day was very low-key. I finished up copies of reports for end-of-year for the most part. We did get a new (to us) little meter-maid car to get around the site. So, of course, we all had to try it out. OMS, those things can go 80mph. NO we didn't prove that true, but they can. They have some major power. If we got a few more we could totally do lap races around the site! haha. We also have had some equipment down and a new building put up, so I went around and checked it all out. It was definitely a good Friday at work.. .. ..

After work I had quite the hustle-and-bustle.. .. ..I had my counseling appointment, which went fantastic. Then I was off to get my kids AND my friends kids. We were all meeting up later, but they had a dinner to go to, so I was on kiddo duty. SO I ran all over, got the kids, got them all fed, and headed off to a friends for her son's going away party. As always, we had a good time, but it was bittersweet. Her son is going off to the Army, and of course we're all nervous and excited for him. He and I have become good friends, as his daughter is one of Logan's "girlfriends". So it was tough telling him goodbye.. .. ..

Saturday was a very good day. I got motivated and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. It felt good to take care of the little things that needed to be done. The only thing left now is the bathrooms. I HATE cleaning bathrooms. Ew. But they'll be done tomorrow and the house will be all spic-and-span again. Love that.

Saturday afternoon and evening were awesome. Today is my friends birthday, so us girls went out to celebrate last night. We went up to Black Oak casino for a little gambling and girl time. Though we only ended up gambling 30 minutes of a six-hour stay. Go figure. We had the BEST time eating and talking and drinking. And bowling! That was a hoot. I am really lucky to have a group of amazing, funny, happy friends to surround myself with. It's never a dull time with them.. .. .. We got home about 2 a.m. (left at 3 p.m.!!!) and I spent a little time with Mom (my ex-MIL) before heading off to bed. That was a really nice night-cap, as we haven't spent much time together lately. (we also talked some on Sunday ... it was really nice. I am hoping we can get together and just chat soon.. .. ..)

And then there was today. I was dog-butt tired when I woke up. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. BUT I am glad that I did. I took the boys up to Sacramento for lunch with surrogate friends. It was so nice to see Cyn (hi!) and visit with her. It's amazing how fast pregnancy seems to go when it's not yours!! She looked fantastic and ALMOST made me want a preggo belly again....Almost. LOL. I hadn't seen Melissa in a looong time, so it was fun to chat (and share ice cream and cookies... yum). I met some new faces to me, though I've seen them in the surro world for awhile. It's ALWAYS nice to put faces with names.. .. ..
The boys were awesome. I was so proud of them. They sat for two hours, playing their DS's, and behaving like good little men. I am so lucky.. .. ..

After lunch we headed home and crashed out. We watched the rest of the Super Bowl, then just a few minutes of TV before they went off to bed. I had all intentions of going to bed, but got sidetracked. Good sidetracked. So, I thought I'd update the blog, share the goodness (?) of the weekend, and settle in for another GOOD week. Yes, I predict good and will make it happen. It's a busy week, so off to catch my beauty sleep (need all I can get, lol).. .. ..

On The Shelf.. .. ..

2009-01-28T09:34:00.001-08:00

I heard a Motivational Speaker this weekend who made things make a lot of sense. Here's the story.. .. ..

People and Pottery

When making pottery, it's a long process. There are a lot of steps involved to make sure each piece turns out in good quality.

The first step is choosing the clay. A piece is picked out of thousands of possible pieces. Colors are different, thickness, size.. .. ..

Second, you mold the clay. Adding water and gently guiding the clay into the figure you intend for it to be.

Third, you pull all the imperfections out. Pieces of grass, dirt, rocks, that are embedded in the clay. If you don't pull these out then when put in the kiln the clay will break and crack. So you pull those out then continue to mold and clean, mold and clean.

After that the clay has to dry before going into the kiln. Again, to prevent cracking and breaking. The mold you made has to sit and slowly let the moisture out and dry to a strong level to withstand the flames of the kiln. Only once that's been accomplished can you successfully go through the fire and come out a beautiful piece of art afterwards.

Still with me??

So, we are all a slab of clay. Our lives mold us. We add to our lives, like the water, to help us grow and help shape us. We pick up potential hazards. Like the grass and rocks, we have pain and hurt. We have character flaws like jealousy, anger, stubborness.. .. .. All things we must pull out of ourselves and must heal. The things that if we don't heal and don't pull out will break us in the fires of life.

And then we must sit still and let it all dry in. Let it just be. Take our time before combatting the next fire and make sure we're ready for that. Ready to become the piece of art we're intended to be.

Once we enter the fire we'll be ready. The fire can be anything substantal in life. Maybe it's something bad. For me, last years break up was a horrible horrible fire that I was NOT prepared for and I broke. I shattered into many pieces because I was not ready for the fire.

Maybe the next kiln I enter will be a great one. Maybe it'll be a beautiful relationship. Maybe it'll be moving. Who knows what's in store for me.

But I wholeheartedly believe that the last seven months I was a ball of wet clay. Being molded, working out the imperfections, growing, nuturing, healing. And now I sit and dry. I allow everything I have learned to soak in. I practice the skills and qualities I want to master. I sit, patiently growing, knowing that in taking my time I am enabling myself to stregnthen through whatever fire I may find myself in. But I do NOT want to jump into any fire or rush anything. I understand the importance of healing by myself on the shelf.. .. ..

I do not want to crack again. I do not want to crumble. So if that means sitting on the shelf for a little longer and continuing to just BE, then I am more than happy to sit here. And it's not so scary and not so lonely when you know it's not the end - sitting on the shelf - but really it's just the best possible beginning .. .. ..

What am I "supposed" to do??!!

2009-01-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

Yea, that's about it. Wow. See, I thought I was doing better. Seriously, I thought I was. My post yesterday, about the Chinese New Year... honestly, it was all good-hearted and good spirited. So it says my year will suck. Maybe so. I'll take it in stride if so. I wasn't upset, I didn't feel defeated. I actually just kinda felt like, "hmmm, so that's what's in store".

Apparently, though, I'm self-pitying. And I'm not dealing with life. And I'm not as strong as I should be. Hmmm.

I guess I am self-pitying. I am pissed. I am so angry that everything I worked towards - good credit, a family, a home - is all gone or going quickly. I'm hurt that I am bearing the consequences of others poor decisions. I am frustrated that my life - and that of my children - will continue to be impacted for at least seven more years by choices I had no choice in making. So, if that's self-pity so be it... Make me a button and I'll stick it on my shirt.

I asked nicely for a little consideration and help. And I may actually get some mercy. I am definitely not holding my breath, but just to be heard and considered was nice. Could it possibly be that I WON'T have to live with the consequences of others actions for years to come??? Maybe?? Probably not, but at least I tried and at least I asked.

My point... I'M TRYING. No, not everything is done in court yet. One, time. I have a lot going on and a lot on my mind. Maybe that's just an excuse, who knows. Two, I get burnt out. Frustrated, irritated, burnt out. And so I take a step back. Is that right/wrong? Who knows, but it's what I do. I have finally looked into what my options are with this house (limited to NONE). I am asking around though, getting creative. I am finally accepting that I may just have to find somewhere to rent and let this house (and my credit) go. I could not accept that less than a month ago. But now I'm facing that and looking at other avenues and options.

And, NO, I am not tackling dating like I "should". Yes, I'm running avoidance. Yes, I'm letting the good guy go and settling for the good-enough. Yes, I'm hiding. That's all I can do for now. That's all my heart is capable of. That's where I am right now and it's okay with me. Why would I want to try and date when I am so obviously not ready and hurt more people than I already am?? What would be the point?? I am NOT ready. Is it really better to be out there dating a million people when you aren't even ready than to just BE for a bit???

So maybe I'm not moving as fast as I should be, but I am doing the best I know how. Maybe I'm not getting stuff done that I should, but I cannot swallow it all whole. Maybe I'm still taking baby steps when I guess I should be leaping over canyons. But I'm doing the best I can. And if my best isn't good enough.. .. ..

I wish I had the quick fix. I wish I had all the answers. Until then I just have to go through it. And I will make mistakes. A lot of mistakes, obviously. But until someone can provide me with all the right answers and the freakin' manual on how to do this "right" then this is what I will do. I will make my mistakes, hopefully learn from them. I will get things done at the pace I am most comfortable with. And I will live the best I know how because it's better than not living at all and better than giving up. And if it's still not good enough, then so be it. But it's better than nothing at all. And THAT is what I hold on to. THAT is my inspiration. Because whether people see it or not, I AM better off this month than last, and moreso than the month before that. At least I FEEL now. I am not so freaking numb and dead. I am finally feeling alive again. And that is ALL I can ask for right now.

Off to bed to cry and yell and scream some more. And guess what?? Pick it all up and start all over again tomorrow with determination, drive, and conviction. Because, believe it or not, that's how I'm doing these days.. .. ..

Year of the Ox

2009-01-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I read my Chinese horoscope for the new year. It says I'll have five okay months and seven bad months and that 2010 looks better for me. Well, I guess at least now that I know I won't be so disappointed.

Thus far the Chinese are right on for me. This month has been almost comedic. First I get a cold. Realize I'm going to lose the house soon. Giving in to avoid fighting, as always me giving in and losing out. Frustrated with people. Frustrated with life. Lo's been in LOTS of trouble. Jo doesn't want to do anything for school. Can't sleep. Always tired. AF for five weeks. Now getting bloodwork done for all that. Tendenitis .. .. .. OH and I have pink eye now.

Seriously? Seriously??

But you know what? It's okay. Because the Chinese prepared me to know this year would be like this. That this year will challenge me and shape me and mold me for a better year NEXT year. Heck, it even acknowledged that last year was bad and I was hoping for a good year! BUT NO ... not going to happen.

LOL, I can't help but laugh. Yes, I do know it's not real. Maybe. So I will just work harder to try and MAKE this year better.

Or at least bearable.. .. .. Ah, my life.. .. ..

Feeling a Bit ... Lost

2009-01-22T15:21:00.001-08:00

It just kinda hit me this week. I think I've been riding a high and this week it's all just mellowed down. I haven't lost my positive outlook, but I think I am reassessing. I think I wanted it all and wanted it NOW and am now realizing all good things come to those who wait. Corny? Yes. But true. It seems the more I want things, the more I try and rush things, the more screwed up they get. I have never been a very patient person, so learning to slow down and have faith is a challenge. I am also in a sticky situation with someone that is weighing heavily on me. It's an impossible situation, and I know I need to just step back and remove myself from potential pain, but it's easier said than done.

I am also tired of being nice and being used, yet I cannot muster the meanness to make it stop. So I continue to let it happen. My boys and I will be on the losing end, as always it seems lately, but at least I'll still have my self-respect. I made a promise and going back on it seems wrong. Though I have no legitimate reason to care. Unfortunately, the benefiting party(ies) have no conscience and no appreciation for it ... but that's not why we are nice and why we are decent people, right? As long as we can be at peace with our self.

And I hate hurting people, but I think I have to in one situation.. .. ..

And, well, sometimes I just feel worn out. Being a single mom is NOT easy and a break would be nice from time to time. But it's near impossible to get a sitter it seems. Don't get me wrong, I love the boys and love spending time with them, but a break from time to time is nice. Next weekend I get an afternoon/evening away. I will have to enjoy it to the fullest. LOL.

Anyways, I think this has maybe been my whiniest post yet. To top it off my cold isn't gone and I've been nauseated all day. (NO, I'm NOT pregnant, lol... ) And the wet, dreary weather doesn't help.

Good news is I'm going to Vegas in March!!! YEA, something to look forward to!!!

Until I'm in a better disposition.. .. ..

Ramblings.. .. ..

2009-01-19T14:38:00.000-08:00

Not sure what else to title this one. Yes, I'm at a loss of words. Worn out I guess.

This weekend was fairly good, though. On Saturday I took the boys to see Hotel for Dogs. It was actually a very cute movie. I haven't liked the last few 'kid' movies I have seen (Space Chimps... omg, torture)... But this movie was really cute. It was so cute to hear all the kids cheering and clapping and giggling at different parts of the movie. And it ranged from little kids to teens. Heck, I was even laughing through parts of it. Though I'm still not sure what I enjoyed more, the movie or splurging on the calories and having popcorn and a coke freeze.. .. ..

That evening we went to my (ex) BIL's to hang out. It's weird, I'm not really sure what to call him. A friend of theirs stopped by and he wasn't sure what to call me either. I guess it's probably not normal for the ex-inlaws to hang out with you. I think the awkwardness of not knowing "who" I was kinda made it real that I don't really fit there anymore. I love spending time with them and still consider them my family and friends, but I guess I'm starting to wonder if they feel the same or if they just feel bad for me. And I don't want any pity. Mom was acting differnt. I am pretty sure that she had a great visit with the ex and the new wifey last weekend and I am ... well, being replaced. Which is the natural order of things. Just has me wondering if I've been holding on too tight to something that should just be let go. Again, I don't want any relationships in my life to be out of pity. I guess I should talk to them, just don't have the courage right now .. .. ..

Anywho, rambling ... we ate pizza and watched a horrible movie together. Mom knows how to pick them. LOL. We watched Burn After Reading with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. It was so scatterbrained and ... weird. We laughed and tried to find SOME moral of the story at the end. Not sure we came up with anything good.. .. ..

Sunday the boys and I went to church. It had been a little while, and it was awful good to be back. The message was exactly what I needed to hear and I left feeling better about things. The boys seemed happy to go, too, and we ARE going to make a concerted effort to make it each week.

After church we went to the park. It has been in the mid-high 60's and sunny, so we took advantage of it. The boys ran around for a bit, then it started to cool off so we left. We did some grocery shopping and got all the needs for the weeks menu.

OH I also got something very very very important.. .. .. the sign-up forms for T-Ball for Logan!!! Yea!! We'll sign him up next week and the league starts in March. He is so excited, and so am I. I love watching the kids play. It's so flippin' cute. Then in August soccer starts!! Yea for kids sports!! I can't wait to see how he does and if he enjoys it (fingers crossed).

Today has just been a lazy day. Yes, I am a blessed government employee who has a three-day weekend. We have all been lazy around the house, though I had plenty to do. I really need to clean out my closet. I need to get all the maternity clothes out (and sold, they won't fit again) and make more room for my new clothes. I love that I have lost the weight, but it sure breaks the budget when you have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Even when shopping clearance... ugg. Oh well.. .. ..

Any volunteers to clean the closet???? .. .. ..

Indifference.. .. ..

2009-01-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

Indifference is an interesting thing. I cannot refer to it as an emotion, as there is no emotion attached to it. It's almost a level of numbness without all the depression numbness might bring. You don't feel anything. No love, no hate, no sympathy, no anger ... nothing. It's just ... indifference. I would definitely not want to feel this way about many people. It's not a good feeling by any means, but it's peaceful. My counselor has been talking to me for MONTHS about how much better I would feel when I hit that point with the ex. After this last weekend, I made it there. Today we spoke on the phone and I felt ... nothing. She asked why I was always so mad at her and I told her that given the circumstances she shouldn't have to ask. But, honestly, I wasn't mad ... I just didn't care. I felt no emotion. And part of me is sincerely sad for that. Because she has always meant so much to me. And, locked inside, probably will. But a large part of me was ecstatic. I finally made it through a conversation without crying, without vomiting, without the nervousness, and without the pain. I don't need time to recover from it and I don't feel ... anything. And THAT feels good. There is hope there that I am really on my way upward without more backsliding. That I am making it through and, hell, may be on the other side of this.

For a long time, too, I was angry and upset that I "wasted" 8.5 years. If this is how it was going to turn out then why did it ever happen? Why didn't we end it a long time ago? Why go through all we did to end up here?

But I have no regrets now. Not about us being together anyways. I have made peace with the things I did wrong. I have forgiven myself and learned from the mistakes and how not to make them again. I have recognized and acknowledged the faults in our relationship that lead to its end. I recognize the traits that I will and will not tolerate in a partner. The qualities I want someone to have and those I will not accept. I have a better understanding of me and of the person I will end up with. I think things through better, evaluate all angles, and - most importantly - stand up for myself. I will not compromise myself, I will not change myself. I will not save anyone and don't want to be saved. I simply want to be me.

My ex would tell you I was the most selfish, self-centered bitch she's ever known. I heard it more than once, not only since the breakup, but during the relationship too. The problem was I had given up so much of me that when I started doing for me again and being my own person again she couldn't stand it. When she wasn't the center of it all, when there was life beyond what made her happy, she couldn't be happy anymore. She took it as I didn't love her anymore. In reality, I was loving her more and more because I was also loving myself again. When you don't love yourself you cannot love anyone else fully and you can't be truly happy either.. .. ..

I guess that's the one thing I WILL retain from this.. (Not HOPE to, WILL...) .. You have to love yourself before you can fully love anyone else. You have to know who you are. Enjoy your own company. Know what you like/don't like. Have hobbies. BE YOURSELF. And, most importantly, don't lose or compromise those things because of who you are with. Yes, relationships are about compromise, but not about compromising yourself. The right person will see you for who you are and accept you right there. They won't want or need anything from you to be happy. That's the other key, making sure they are at the same place as you. No rescuing or needing to be rescued. Just appreciation of each other.

Ugh, once again the post got off track. I guess it was appropriate I named my blog with the word "ramblings" ... I sure seem to do it a lot. But, the more I do the more the ramblings start to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle and I am slowly getting a deeper realization of who I am and what this twisted mess means. And, finally, I am confident that I am becoming a bigger and better person and in the end this will all be worth it for me to develop ME. The tools that I have learned will help me to do that. Indifference is the latest to be implemented, but my hope is that I continue to learn and grow. And be the person I am meant to be, live the life I am meant to lead .. .. ..

You take the good, you take the bad.. .. ..

2009-01-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

You take them both and there you have
The facts of life, the facts of life.. .. ..

Sing it with me!! HAHA. Oh this week has had it's share of both.

First, the bad.
1. The cold. I have been fighting a cold for a week and I think it won. I am conceding and going to the doctors today. My ears are hurting today, so it's time to do more than tylenol cold. I hate being sick. Hate it. So, instead of continuing to whine, I'm just going to go in. And hopefully feel better soon. Luckily the boys haven't even shown hints of getting sick, so hopefully I'll just keep it to myself.

2. Logan. He has been ... awful ... this week. I am pretty sure I know why. He acted the same way the last time he had a weekend like this past weekend. As always, I am left to deal with the consequences of others actions. UGH. He has been acting up A LOT at daycare, talking back to me, being rude and nasty and mean, and just downright ugly. I hate having to get tough with him, but otherwise he doesn't listen at all. So I can't give him any "chances" and have to be harsh. Which is hard for me, but it's even harder having to hear Miss C tell me how bad he's been ALL DAY LONG. Yesterday he had so many corners she couldn't keep count or remember what they were all for. He didn't want to eat last night, so he went to bed without dinner. He got up three times, spanked and put back in bed three times. I keep telling myself he WILL learn, but gosh I hate the interim period until he does. Hopefully he'll straighten up again soon. It's wearing on me!

3. Jonah. He is hormonal and going through it. I think that sums it up. LOL. He isn't wanting to do more than bare minimum for school.... he doesn't know if he wants to move now, because he doesn't want to try and make friends.... he doesn't want to do GATE next year because 'I might have to interview or write an essay, and that's too much' (ugh)... He doesn't want to read because 'I just don't like it'... Oh mercy. And this is just the beginning of puberty and hormones and the craziness.. .. .. Lord help me.

The good
1. Family Time. It's still going well. Last night I made homemade lasagna and the kids liked it (Lo just refused to eat to be a butt). The night before we had steak and noodles and broccoli (Lo's favorite). Jonah says I should be chef. Ha!! But they are eating well. I do miss leftovers. Seems no matter how much I make it's gone.. .. .. growing boys. LOL.

2. Wii Fit. 'Nuff said. That thing is awesome. I am telling ya, exercise is good for the body and mind. Even with a cold I force myself to do it and feel a ton better afterwards. Well, at least besides the cold. LOL.

3. Friendships. I have been nurturing my friendships more and I think they are blooming nicely. Its nice to be surrounded by love and support and POSITIVITY. It's nice to be accepted just as you are and meet others where their at. Good stuff, I tell ya.

4. EIGHT WEEKS!! That's how old baby K is today! J emailed me to tell me she's laughing and kicking her legs, flailing her arms. She loves music and sounds to be very happy. It's so wonderful to have a continued relationship with them and get updates. I feel so blessed to be part of something so very special.

So, like I said, ya take the good and the bad, and there's the facts of life. And it's always better when the GOOD outweighs the bad. Now to just kick the cold.. .. ..

Know-It-All-Friends.. .. ..

2009-01-13T21:00:00.000-08:00

Oh I'm sure you have them too, don't lie. The friends that know-it-all ... that can tell you everything that they know and it'll make life all better??!! Yea, I have those friends.. .. ..

And I feel soooooo lucky!! ROFL. You thought I'd bitch about it, huh? Nope. Not at all. I love having friends who can give me that been-there-done-that point of view. Who can take personal experience and give you insight on how to heal and grow. The friends that can say "I see it going this way" and - even though you know it already and maybe hate it - it's a nice dose of reality. Or, heck, even the occasional "I told you so" or "I knew better" is okay.

Why?

Because we know they care. I know that my friends truly care for me. They would do anything for me, and me anything for them. Only a true friend can think "dang, this might really piss her off" and say it anyways. Only a true friend will be brutally honest with you, even if it might sting. Only a true friend will love you anyways and still be there for you. Even if they DO throw in an "I told you so".

Really, this world is too full of people who will tell you what you want to hear to make you like them. The sugar-coating gives me cavities and I am so tired of it. I have been burned by those people, the ones that cater to whatever you want or need to hear. Ultimately, all they are out for is themselves. And the facade can only last so long.. .. ..

In my opinion, a good friend shoots from the hip. Telling you everything you want to hear doesn't do you any favors. Being honest and forthcoming is the best thing a human can do for another human.

For having sooo much in common, my best friend and I do not agree on a lot lately. She has had to tell me that she doesn't approve or doesn't agree more times than not. She has had to give me reality slaps and make me look at the hard angles of things I'd rather ignore. She has ignored me for as long as she could (maybe a few hours?? lol) to try to NOT say something that might hurt me. But I don't think she understands how much it means to me that she DOESN'T always agree with me. That she WILL give me her opinion. That she challenges me, questions me, and holds me accountable. I can say without hesitation SHE and her friendship have helped form who I am today and have made me a better person. Her love, her honesty, her soul have been such a blessing to me.

Others have reached out and pushed me along.. .. .. Erica, Sarah, Andrea, Jacy, Christy, Heather, Cyn, Amber.. .. .. you ALL have made an impact on me. Beyond what you will even know. Thank you all for that.

Ah, hell, this has turned into a mushy awards-acceptance-speech. Which of you want to smack me?? lol. I blame PMS.. .. .. my story and I'm sticking to it.

Anywho, seriously, friends are best when they are raw and real. And I am beyond blessed with some of the best in the bunches. Remember, friends will appreciate you more when you tell it like it is .. .. .. Love doesn't lie!! ((HUGS)) to all the greatest of friends of mine!!

Realized something.. .. ..

2009-01-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

I need to update my blog more!! ROFL. I realllly want to update at least every other day, even if it's randomness, and I really need to set aside the time to do it. Otherwise I end up with marathon, rambling posts. Like this one will be. hehe, I warned you.. .. ..

So, last week was good. Work went well and I'm getting back into the swing of things better than I thought I would. The guys were kind enough to keep a bug for me, so I've been battling a cold for a week now. Tylenol Severe Cold *may* be working, fingers crossed.. .. ..

Saturday was ... ugh ... a day. Honestly, it's not even worth giving the attention to in my journal. I am so beyond other people's stupidity, self-centered attitude, and childishness that's it's not worth a second thought. Jo and Lo are having a little bit of a rough time, but we'll make it through. We always do, and seem to be easier each time and they seem to be stronger each time. Really, that's ALL that matters.

I have been having a great time with the boys. Jo and I are talking a lot more. He's been telling me all about camp (he had a fantastic time), the girl he has a crush on, his deep emotional feelings on the ex, and other odds-and-ends he thinks of. My new *thing* is no TV until after dinner, if at all. I turn on the radio while I'm cooking and the boys can play toys or hang out with me. It's really developing a stronger relationship between the three of us and seems to bring more joy in the house. I know I am enjoying it and the boys seem to as well.

We have also been spending time together playing Wii. Lo is quite the bowler!! LOL. We have a blast and it gets us all involved together. I am doing well at at least that resolution!

Another I'm doing well at is taking time for my body. I have been doing Wii Fit religiously. And, boy howdy, it's kicking my butt!! I have dropped two pounds and another pant size, though I refuse to go buy more clothes, and a four seems toooo small to me. So I am going to check out some websites to find out how to maintain my weight AND exercise. I am already feeling definition in my stomach, thighs, and buns, and I LOVE IT. I am definitely feeling better about my body than I have in a loooong time. I can look in the mirror and think "not bad". hehe.

Overall I am feeling great. I really feel on-track right now and I am committed to continuing in the right direction. I think I'm making progress, and others comment on it too. One day, one step at a time, right??

And more blogging!!!

Off With a Bang!

2009-01-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

So, my New Years has started off good! Because I'm determined it will be!!

Thursday I did nothing all day. I don't think I could have if I'd really even tried. I had such a fantastic time on N.Y.E. with my closest of friends. My abs hurt so much from laughing!! The kids had a great time running around with the other kids and playing games and finally konking out shortly after midnight. I woke up on January 1 feeling renewed and hopefully and ... happy.

Friday was a great day, too. I had my six-week post-partum check up. My doctor was shocked to see me so "tiny" as he said. I made him say it again, just to hear it. LOL. According to their scale I officially lost 36 lbs!!! My blood pressure is back to normal - yeehaw!! AND my inners look perfect. He said I am good to get pregnant whenever I want. Not on the agenda any time real soon, but good to know all is well. And since the VBAC was such a success there should be no reason to not do it again! Good news all around!!

I had lunch with one of my favorite people. She is so ... real. It's refreshing and I always enjoy getting together with her (and the girls!!). Lunch was fun and then it was off to home. Lo was at daycare so I decided to surprise Jo with an afternoon movie date. So we went to see Bedtime Stories together. It was a very very cute movie. I enjoy Adam Sandler anyways, but this was quite good. Afterwards we got Logan and came home to crash for the evening.

Saturday was fun. We went to the mall to get me a pair of jeans that fit better. All my 8's were baggy, so I picked up Levi's in a 6 and they are perfect. I needed them for my night out!! hehe. The boys were gone overnight so my friend S and I went out! We went to Applebees for dinner... poor S, I made her watch the Colts with me. Then we hit up a couple bars and had a good ol' time. I ran into some old friends and did a lot of laughing and dancing. I got home about one and passed out - IN MY BED - and slept really good.

Sunday I took the boys to breakfast after I picked them up, then we were lazy at home. We watched football together and I got suckered into Space Chimps after dinner. It was fun, though, hanging out with the boys.

Today, oh today. It was my first day back to work. First FULL TIME day in months. But I made it through and actually got A LOT done. I missed work, missed my peeps. I am very lucky that I love what I do and who I work with. So the day went by fairly well.

Tonight was a milestone. Jo and I packed his bags for 6th grade camp. He has all his necessities, all the snow gear.. .. .. I remember going to camp so vividly. Heck, I liked it so much I went back in High School as a counselor! It's such a right-of-passage, such a huge time in their lives. And my baby will be going tomorrow. I have heard him get up to the bathroom three times. He cannot sleep, he's so nervous. He said he will miss us and got a little nervous lip, but I think once he's there he will have so much fun. I am sending a camera, hopefully he'll remember to use it! I just hope he enjoys every minute of it. I am so excited for him!!

So, that's my year so far. Okay, yea, it's only been 5 days but I am excited that it's been a good 5 days. And I'm determined the next five, and the five after that .... will all be as good. I have learned a lot, grown a lot, in the last seven months and I'm hoping that will help me to make the best of the new year and new opportunities!!

Now off to bed for me ... another full time day tomorrow!! lol.. .. ..

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T16:45:00.001-08:00

And that's all I can muster up for today!!

And it took me until almost 5:00 to even be able to do that!!

ROFL.. .. ..

The Eve of New Beginnings.. .. ..

2008-12-31T15:19:00.000-08:00

Today is New Years Eve and I've decided it's the Eve of New Beginnings for me. I decided to make a list of ten resolutions/goals for the new year. And I figured if I wrote them out here I would be more accountable to them. I can count on at least Nikki and Cyn to make sure I'm doing them! lol

10. EXERCISE - I love, love, love my body now. I *think* I've bottomed out and won't lose anymore weight. I am a comfortable size 6, sometimes 4 or 8. But I want to tone my arms, legs, and of course belly. So my resolution is to exercise at least 3x's a week. And to start walking again, at least 3x's a week, also. Not only is it good for my body, but it's good for my soul and will make me healthier overall.

9. WORK BETTER - Not necessarily harder, just better. I love my job and don't always give it the attention I should. So I commit to doing better there.

8. BE A BETTER FRIEND - I feel like I have sucked my friends dry this last year. They have been there for me soooo much, it's my time to give back. So I will let the people that are there for me know how much they mean to me and return the favor better.

7. WORK ON ME - I think I have come a long way this last six months, but I have a lot to still learn about myself and work on. I met someone recently and really wanted to see where it would go ... but then I saw the red flags, the possible "save me" syndrome, and immediately stopped it. THAT is progress for me. So I will continue to work in that. I have been getting to know me more... and, hell, I'm not half bad. lol.

6. SKYDIVE - Yep, skydive. I have always wanted to do it and just never have. SO I WILL skydive this year. Maybe more than once.. .. ..

5. YOSEMITE - The boys need to see Yosemite. It's beautiful and they have never been there. I will take them at least once to Yosemite and we'll go back to Sequoia National Park, too. We are too close to so much beauty to not take advantage of it.

4. SPEND TIME WITH THE BOYS - Jonah says I do a good job of it, but I want to do better. I want to have one Saturday a month that's a play-date with the kids. And at least one Friday night a month for movie night. They are the staple of my life and they need to know how important they are to me.

3. SLEEP IN MY BED - Sleeping on the couch doesn't make the bed any less empty. I need to face that fear, face that sadness, and stop hiding from the empty spaces in life.. .. ..

2. HANDLE THE BIZNAZ - Most importantly, this house. I need to get it figured out and I commit to crunching down and getting it done. It needs to be and procrastinating won't change anything.

1. LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I NEVER FEEL ALONE - It can get very lonely sometimes, being alone. I want to love myself so much that I never feel alone. That I can sit in silence and not feel engulfed by it. I want to find new hobbies, indulge myself in things that make me happy, and not want or need anyone to make me happy. Now THAT's happiness, right??

So, there it is. My list of resolutions for the new year, for the new beginning. I know that it won't always be easy. I know that I will still have peaks and valley's, but I am hoping the cliffs will be longer, the valley's will be small craters in the otherwise level land, and that sunnier skies are ahead. I KNOW that my actions, my behavior, my feelings, have a huge influence on that and I am committed to making this year the most beautiful, wonderful year I have had. I have a family of two amazing boys that I adore, an extended family full of love and support, friends who are priceless and mean more than words can say, and most importantly, I have ME. And I have underestimated myself and sold myself short for way too long. Time to live up to my potential. Time to celebrate the possibilities and make the best of the life I have. I turn 30 this year and I'm determined to take this new phase of life by the horns and grow and learn and be a better person this time next year. That's my hope, commitment, and excited anticipation on the eve of new beginnings.. .. ..

Have Mercy??

2008-12-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

Will it ever end? This is yet another post about the ex. I know it's such old b.s. and the same crap over and over so stop reading if you're as tired of it as I am. But I have to get this out. Since, once again, she has contacted me and opened the wound I was so desperately trying to stitch closed.. .. ..

This week has been hard as it is. Coming off of the Christmas holiday has been hard. Though spending the time with my best friend and grandparent helped, it still ached in my soul that my "family" wasn't together anymore. Logan asked about the ex and still says, "She's coming back soon, right?" I don't even know how to answer anymore beyond just saying "no". Then this week is New Years. We had been planning to spend it in Las Vegas, oh so ironic now, since it's something we always wanted to do. And, the worst of it all, Saturday would have been our 9-yr anniversary. SO this week has been ... a challenge ... to state it simply.

I hit a really rough patch Sunday. I was just drowning in the pain. Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I need to make her not exist. I had done it once before, I could do it again.

When I was 18 the ex came to me when she and her g/f got into a bad fight. She stayed with me and we had the most amazing week together. All the love we wanted to share together for so long we were allowed to experience. It was the happiest week of my life. Then she went home to get more clothes ... and didn't come back. Hours passed and she finally called and said she couldn't come back. Couldn't leave her (ex's) son.

I was devastated. Seriously crushed. I became very ill and didn't - couldn't - get out of bed for a week. I lost the one thing I wanted, the one thing that made me feel complete and happy. I was destroyed.

Yes, I see how mellow-dramatic that sounds, but it was true. There is some wicked connection for me to her that I cannot explain and I cannot will away. I have tried - Lord help me, I have tried.. .. ..

Anyways, after a few weeks of not talking to her things got better. I was able to pretend she just didn't exist anymore. That she didn't live in the same world as me. I was able to get out and about again, date, FUNCTION. Things were better.

A year and a half later she came back in my life. I remember very clearly the day she called my work. The moment I heard her voice my breath caught, heart skipped a beat, and I was in love all over again. She came to my work to visit that day and we were together from then on. I was hesitant, I knew what would happen if she left again. I trusted her, though. Trusted she'd never hurt me like that again.. .. ..

So here I am. Not nearly as incapacitated as last time, but still struggling nonetheless. So I asked her to please, please not contact me anymore. I have asked her more than once. I was doing okay this week, then she goes and contacts me again today. YES, I KNOW I shouldn't have talked to her, but she is good at guilting me and making me feel like the bad guy when I try not to talk to her. I am too weak, too worried about HURTING HER that I give in. All to set myself up for more hurt.

She wanted to know if Jonah hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her. How am I supposed to know?? Jonah doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to hurt more than I already do, which breaks my heart for him. He shouldn't have to protect me. Anyways, I told her to ask him and said that I do know he is angry and hurt. That I overheard him telling my grandma "I know she was in our lives a long time, but then she just left us. I don't understand how she could do that." He's mad. He's damn mad and hurt and he has every right to feel that way.

She just doesn't get it. She says she does, but she has no idea. She tries to compare her hurt, her 'pain'. It make me infuriated when she says she understands how the boys feel or how I feel. I cannot believe she has the audacity to compare her momentary, here-and-there, self-serving sadness to what the boys and I feel. She feels sorry for herself, NOT the boys. It's all about her not getting the attention from them, life not revolving around her. I told her to go back to her perfect, wonderful life and not worry about them. She has said she has everything she wants and so WHY does she worry about or bother herself with thoughts about the boys? No point. Like Jonah said, she walked out.. .. ..

She tells me that she understands how I feel. YES, I cheated on her during our relationship. I will admit my faults. But I NEVER walked out on our relationship. I was remorseful and did everything I could to make our relationship work. She says she knows my pain, NO I never walked out on our relationship, on our children. She has never rolled over in the middle night, reaching for the other half of her whole to find empty space. She hasn't consoled her upset children when they miss their parent who abandoned them. Yes, I am furious as I type this. So I know it's choppy, but DAMN IT I am so angry. I am so tired of her living her perfect life there, yet keeping one hand here, always keeping us at arms length. She said, AGAIN TODAY, that she wishes we could be friends. That tells me that she really has NO IDEA the damage she caused, the pain she inflicted and continues to.. .. ..

Anyways, I just need her to not exist. This was the point of the post. She needs to just not exist in my world anymore. Hearing her voice makes my heart skip still, makes all the love rush back. After all of this, it still does. Which very well tells me that's the way it'll always be. If I can't hate her now I will never be able to. Which tells me she was my soul mate, no matter how little I obviously meant to her. Which tells me I need her to GO AWAY. I need her to not exist in my world in order for me to heal and function in it. I know that sounds so weak. So stupid in so many ways. But it's the only thing that has worked and the only thing I know to do anymore.

So my only hope is that she will have mercy and leave me alone. I wish I could hate her, I really do, but I obviously can't. So she needs to just not BE in my world. As sad as that makes me, it's what has to happen for this to go away and for me to heal.. If she ever cared anything for me than I can hope she'll have mercy now. .. ..

Back from Vacation!!

2008-12-29T17:14:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, it was so nice to go on vacation. To visit with family and friends. It's just always too short. LOL.

We spent the first part of our trip in OHIO with Nikki. We had such a good time. The boys and her daughter got along really well. She is right between the two boys in age, so she got along with both of them. She is a riot, I absolutely adore her. D (hubby) talked a lot more to me, which it was nice to get to know him. Nikki and I shopped, which is one of the best friend things we miss getting to do together. And we went out on Friday night and had a blast. I LOVE the place we went. It's a little pizza place with the cutest resident dog, Gypsy, who eats your pizza. LOVED IT. LOL. Good drinks, terrible carpet, good music (O*H*I*O, haha), and good food. Just sucked being the second tallest guy in Ohio. ROFL (That's for Nikki...) We did get a little snow on Saturday night. Just enough to coat the ground. It was awesome to watch the snow come down. It was COLD COLD COLD there. Nikki says you get used to it, I beg to differ. LOL. But it was wonderful and cozy in Ohio and so pretty. (but so cold when we left, lol.. 4 degrees, yes FOUR.. .. .. )

Then we were off to Georgia. (And mid-60's ... wth?? at Christmas??) Logan jumped into Granny's arms as soon as he saw her. It was so wonderful to see my grandparents and finally see where they live. On Monday when we got there we went to my aunts and my grandparents were blessed with five grandkids and 11 great-grandkids all together!! It was a zoo. LOL. But it was very nice. My grandparents home is beautiful. They live on five acres of land and it's quiet and beautiful there. The weather was so great that I was able to take a good book on the back porch and read for a good part of one of the days. I also got to see two of my great aunts, which was very nice. Spending Christmas with my grandparents was so nice; it had been four years since the last time we had that opportunity. I also got to see my uncle and aunt and cousin who I haven't seen in four years. S, my cousin, is growing up too fast. It scares me; I remember being a 14y old girl!! LOL. Everyone has changed so much, yet stayed the same.. .. ..

I also got to visit with Jonah's dad. It was so odd, it seemed like we picked up right where we left off. It didn't seem that 11 years had passed since we had seen each other. Visiting with him was very nice. I met his wife, too, and she and I (I thought) got along really well. She is very sweet, and I feel so fortunate that Jonah has such a good step-mom.

Especially since he HAS decided to move to live with his dad. I am sad about it, but I support Jo in his choice. He will leave toward the end of summer and spend at least the next school year there. So only seven months or so.. .. ..

(here comes the rest of the sadness, look away if you want)

Then Christmas just made me sad overall. I missed having my "family". It hurt. And this week is hard - This Saturday would have been my anniversary.. .. ..

Then we get home and I find out another couple we are close to is seperating. A couple my boys are close to.

I am just sad. So much has changed this last year and it seems like it'll never end. And I am mostly sad for my boys. Really, how much more should they have to endure?? I worry a lot for Logan. He'll lose a parent, a very close person, and a brother all in a years time. How's he going to handle all that??

UGH, I didn't want this post to turn south. But I just have to so much that's so heavy on my heart right now. Thank goodness I am home and can blog away. Be ready to be inundated with my random thoughts. They are too foggy, heavy, and hard to not get out now.. .. ..

2009 BETTER be BETTER!!!

Sometimes People Touch Our Lives.. .. ..

2008-12-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we meet people and they leave permanent marks on our hearts. You may only know them for a moment or maybe for years, but their impact will be felt forever. When you meet someone you don't know how long they'll be in your life, but you learn in time to appreciate each moment you're given.

I bring this up because my best friend from work came up to me today and told me that no matter where our lives take us I'll always be special to him, always hold a special place in his heart. We have been so close over the last four years. Him being there for me and me for him through relationship issues. We laugh together. Cried. Just been good friends. And he's right. No matter what, he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I just met someone who makes me smile. Who makes me think there is life after this breakup. And forever I'll be greatful for that. For that renewed hope, that renewed alive feeling.

There are so many people who I can say have made a difference, who have touched my soul in some way and I will never be the same. How lucky we are to have those opportunities. I am glad I was reminded today of how special, how real, our connections can be in our life and how blessed we are.. .. ..

Baby Fix and Best of Friends.. .. ..

2008-12-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

First, Friday I got my baby fix!! My friend from work had her baby 5 days after Baby K was born. We had a retirement lunch for the boss Friday and she brought her little girl, Brooklyn. She is ADOREABLE!! I immediately stole her, of course. It was so sweet, cuddling and snuggling her. I took her for a good thirty minutes. Her little baby sounds and scrunchy face. It was so sweet. Until she cried.. .. .. then I had to give her back. It was a quick reminder that I had just had a baby too!! ROFL. So I got my baby fix for awhile. Plus I got an open invitation to come by anytime.. .. .. YEA!!

Today was a great day, too! Some of my surrogate friends and their kids came over to hang out and enjoy each others company. I am so fortunate to have such great surrogate friends. Sarah, Jessaca, and Erica were here. We had the easiest, best conversation. They all have hearts of gold and I have to say Erica CRACKS ME UP. She is so candid and funny. (hope you don't mind me talking about you Erica. hehe) The kids all got along so well and played great together. It was so funny - we had chocolate fondue and, of course, had marshmallows. I looked over and the kids had become creative.. .. ..

Yes, that's the gas fireplace and that's the kids pretending to roast marshmallows at the fire. It was hilarious!! The kids thought it was fun

and had a good time pretending it was actually working. They would "roast" their marshmallows then dip them in chocolate and smack 'em down.

The boys were bummed when everyone left. They really enjoyed the company so I guess we'll have to have another get-together soon. DARN. LOL. The kids, obviously, are going to be as social as their mom!

Actually, I really hope they do grow up remaining as social and outgoing as they are. I love that they can interact with other people so openly and aren't afraid to make new friends. It's a good quality to have, and I'm happy the kids aren't shy or reserved. I truly hope they hold on to that.

Anyways, wondering thoughts there.. .. .. Here's to good friends!!

Why do I do this to myself??!!

2008-12-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

Why can I NOT just be the bitch and the "worst person in the world" that I am accused of? Why can I not just be cold-hearted and shut it all off? WHY???

I got a phone call tonight at the house ... someone looking for the ex. Someone who was soooo important to her. We looked for him for YEARS. Free searches, paid searches, you name it. All to no avail. The ex has wanted to reconnect with him and I always saw her sorrow and regret in not talking to him anymore.

Out of the blue he called tonight. When he said who it was I became a bubbling idiot. I couldn't think or talk straight!! I was so excited he was calling. I was so excited to tell the ex. I called her right away and all I get is super nasty attitude. So I just gave her the information and hung up.

Then it hit me. Then I remembered.. .. .. It didn't matter if I was excited he called. I wouldn't know what was said. I wouldn't know if they decide to keep in touch. Visit... reconnect. It was "our" mission for so long, yet I wasn't part of that anymore. I wasn't part of anything in her life anymore. She would get off the phone and celebrate with the D.B. and tell her all about him (if she hasn't already). It would be their excitement, their journey now.

And it makes me mad that I STILL haven't hit full disconnect yet. That I still get sad when I think about us not sharing those things. Still sad to think if we died tomorrow our last kiss wouldn't be together.

Maybe someday when I find love again I will feel different. Obviously it made her change on a dime (if we were ever important to her at all). But it was just a slap in the face, just a cold heartless reminder of everything left behind, everything that we won't share, everything lost.. .. ..

Now don't get too worried about me. I am not sloping back down into sadness. Just reflecting I guess. Disappointed and hurt. But what can I do?? Nothing. Just accept another heartache, another let down, and move forward again. I just keep telling myself these little bumps will just make me stronger each time I battle them.

Right?? .. .. ..

Feeling great!! .. .. ..

2008-12-07T21:56:00.001-08:00

I can honestly say I am feeling great. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.. .. .. I feel great.

Physically I am healing amazingly. It's only been two weeks since baby K was born, but I am back to normal and better. I had very little physical healing to do, as my labor was so quick. Weightwise, I have lost 38 pounds!!! I am a size 8, smaller than I have been in YEARS. Here's two pics, yes I'm bragging! LOL

Mentally and emotionally I am feeling so much better. I took a few days to sulk, stay in my pj's all day, and just FEEL it. Then I faced it; I took the emotions head on and faced it. I pulled myself together and said ENOUGH. And I feel better than I have in MONTHS. hehe, It feels amazing to be at this place. It feels good to laugh again, to smile, to enjoy life.

Here's to new beginnings and a new attitude!!